Foolish Love

Interactive love

Admiration truth

I miss it

Don't get it

So walled up around you

I don't remember the sting

Of love -  you

Loving you

I don't feel my heart beat

I can't let it be

I tried for a while

On and off for years

But now

My brother died

You didn't stir

So I give up

I can't expect you to ever care

I really am a fool

Why do you affect me so?

I mustn't let it!

Letting go

Again?

I swear I try every day

I haven't given up yet

Is this still the problem?

My refusal to let it be

Let you be

Let me be

I don't know

I wish I could run away

Like my favorite heroine

She got to leave

But no not me

I have to pretend

You didn't move closer to me

That you aren't out there

Around the corner

Never in sight

Never there

Except always in my mind

I am reevaluating everything

It seems I have been beat

But I don't mind

I never expected you to come through

You never have

Why would you start now?

Reach past your fear?

Be who you are?

I try to forget

How it feels to love you

I try and remain anonymous in my own life

I try and pretend anything else

It never works

You haunt me

Between every space in my mind

You appear

It forces me to see it

It forces me to change

It makes me admit it

Against my own desire or fear

I suppose gratitude is the desired emotional response

I am however still afraid

Afraid to love you

Or be loved by you

But no matter how deep I go

No matter how fast I run

You spring up from the ground

Keeping in step with me

I have out run you

I have made you go away

But you only reappear 

Every time any song gets played

The songs echo in my mind

And you flash back for a time

When things were great

You were strong

I have tried to end it all

Between you and me

But yet you persist

Strongly and budgingly inside me

It makes me realize

There's more to tell

As if it were done

I would not revisit this or be trapped inside

So then I come to a new place

A place where I am stronger

A place where I can handle it

Handle you

It all pushes me

To see it differently

So instead of giving up

I change

Letting go of my wounded state

Trying to bring forth

What's to come

And me

Without the pain

Distant and dull

But yet still aching

In between the absence of you, space and time

Time has past

At last I am more different

The most different I have been

Maybe almost healed

Or close

Close enough to want my life back

Or at least what's coming

Nothing I can see clearly yet

But my dear

I would have to admit

That you are a fool

As much as I am

As if you would have been patient

And waited with hope in your heart

Even away from me still

You would know what I do

That you would get

Everything you always wanted

As the place I'm in

Is much better for me to give

I get why you shut me out

I see clearly in all of that now

I understand it

As I am living it too

The kind of love we share

Is by far the hardest

It's the most scary kind

The kind you run from

It's the most intense

The most fulfilling

The most patient

The most accepting

It doesn't need us to change

It's only desire is we bring out our inner most truth

Be who we really are

As for it to truly work we must be

It doesn't work with lies or games

It doesn't work if we pretend

That we don't want each other

And this has always been our problem

As for me, hurting so very much
From all that happened to little me
I was never able to unleash
The intense passion I have for you

And you, hurting but healing
You were always afraid
That you would break me
So you constantly held back

Probably the cause of most of it
I think somewhere you decided
I didn't really love you
But I do

As this kind of love is just too consuming

Soul aching

Life fulfilling

Right to the center point love

There's no escaping it

Or changing it

Or getting rid of it

Only learning to let it be

It's the worst kind

And the best

When we are honest and loving

It's all you could hope for

When we play games

Lie

Pretend

Or put up walls

It doesn't work

It shuts us out

It fails

It sucks-big time

It's only when we are

At our best-full self

Complete in our own self

Bringing everything good in

Only then does it really shine

That I remember

That I know was real

It still is

It's harder than other kinds of love

As it requires full honesty and authentication

To work and then it does

It runs rings around other kinds of love

The kind whose so easy to forget

Or the kind that lets you be what you are not

The kind that doesn't require authenticity

And lets you sail over life and love

Our love is the hardest

It takes the most to make it work

Cause the bullshit doesn't fly

When hurting people only have lies

It's amazing and fulfilling too

If one can learn to just be

Why is that so hard

For you and me? 

This scary intense love

Makes me afraid too

I run from it

From you

How I really feel about you

I run everyday

Trying to get away

Move anywhere you aren't

Leave-oh please!

Because I never wanted

Anyone like I want you

I never felt totally complete

Like when you are near

I've also never been

So haunted

So hurt

So confused

So broken hearted

So afraid

It's too much

I try and make my life over

Try and remove you

But it doesn't work

I only forget to breath

I forget to have feelings

I don't remember life

I disappear my self

To remain anonymous to love

It's not perfect

In fact it truly sucks

But it gets me by

I even pretend

Oh I've gotten better at that!

That it's what I want!

That I am better off!

But honestly

If it were true

You would disappear for real

Instead you linger

Why?

Why do remain?

What is your part in all of this?

I assume you also pretend

I think you're better at it then me

Laugh

Always were

I remember

The way your fear sent me away a thousand times

Oh those were the days

Young and foolish

Chuckle

Life!

You fall into a deep pit

Of absolutely perfect love

Encompassing and surrounding

It asks for nothing more than gratitude

And to let it be 

And all you can do is claw each others eyes out!

Smile and Laugh

Fight and run away

Still running

It's been over 12 years now

We still act like we are in our 20's

Smile

It's ok

I needed time

A lot of it

To see me

In that time

I saw you

It's ok

I am not afraid like before

I just realize

I wouldn't love you

Unless you also loved me too

So it's ok

I have dealt with stuff

Working hard to keep it up

Recreating my life

Putting all the pieces right

The sharp memory of you persists though

The love I feel abounds still

The ache and haunting you bring

Keeps my eyes open

I guess I'm learning to be grateful

As if it were over

-like you pretend-

It would be over

After five years

This I know

I could never sustain this kind of love

All on my own

It has to be intertwined with you

But hey I won't share your secret

I also won't come for you

You are safe

From this scary awesome love

You constantly flee

I am enough for me

And hey your still with me

So just let it be known

I know

You know

I am not playing the game anymore

You can however

Do as you please

Keep running

Please!

I think it's good for you

To try and ground yourself

In the ground

I think it's great

Still trying to remove me

Still pretending you love her

Grey covered skies

Grey covered life

Blah is all that is

Not enough

But you know that

And don't care

Ok it makes me giggle

I have to admit

Cause I am right!

We both know it!

Smile :-)