Protective Strike 2009 Rewrite

I wrote this poem in 2009, but am using it in a fictional book I am writing. It helps to reveal some of my feelings.  It is a pretend story that I am telling, but using my life as a base.  My feelings and my thoughts.  It is helping me deal with my past abuse and truly letting it go.  Giving me a voice to tell my story about how I was abused and what it cost me by having my grandfather sexually molest me at age 4.  It was a life defining moment for me, that left me crippled emotionally.  It has taken me many years like 30 to be able to deal with it.  I am writing a book about me, so I can give Vivien a abused person, like me at the age of 4, a voice to tell her story.  To share how she had been abused.  To share how her relationships blew up in her face and how no one gets her because she didn't understand love.  Not by choice, but because there was no room to learn it.  Others could never give her/me room to get it as they had too much baggage.  Such is life.  I have learned as I have taken the time to uncover it for myself.  But it was not easy.  So I wanted to re-share this shortened version, I removed all the crap I added when I was hurting.  It is going in my book.  The book about Vivien and me.  It will be awesome.  My hope is that others who have been through what I have been can relate to it to my story.  As there are so many who had been abused.  Sharing this poem about how abused people screw up love and let it slip through their fingers is a part of healing.

Protective Strike
This person you say you are
Is not you
Not by far
This is your protection

And if you didn't desperately want to be with me
And didn't love me that much
You would not have the protection up
You are scared

Afraid of loving
Afraid of being loved
Hurt and pain you get how to do
But letting me be who I am for you is way too scary

You can't just let us be
And I know I couldn't either
Always on the precipice of letting go
But I am changing

As your protection wouldn't be so in my face
If it weren't that way
And that is the real truth
You picked your fear over me

I know the pain you suffer
I know the fear too
Your grandfather hurt you
And you are too afraid now

I get it
I got hurt too
So many times hurt
At sometimes even by you

I know I hurt you too
I know you think it’s all we share
But it’s not
It’s just what is in front

Others don't see you
But I do
And I know this mean horrible person is not you
You do not have me fooled

The lies you constantly spin
The anger and rage you protrude
Seething with emotional discourse
Are so hurting you

I guess you don’t care
It feels more controllable 
Than letting yourself be truly loved
True love doesn't work right?

Everyone else in your life
Believe you are this deadened version
But only because they don't know you
And don't know how to wake you up

It is not fun
But be assured
It will not end
Until you put it an end

Look around you
Look in your apartment
I bet it is trashed
And has been since you got rid if that girl you didn't like

She wasn't me
And that was all you needed
To show her the door
And let another one in

I felt my flesh burn
When you touched her
And in my emotional cry
Did you feel me reach out to you?

(A funny Joke that came my way)
And I bet people on the street say
"Nobody goes in, Nobody comes out!"
She sent her soul mate away
And nobody has seen her since

She boarded up her heart and her life
And now she appears to be gone
But she is still there
She is just hiding

A spin off of Willy Wonka
But I think it fits
As so many times in your life
You have secluded yourself

I guess you think you are truly awful
And as Norma told me just this night
People who have been abused might do awful things
But it does not make them awful

And if you think you can show me
By getting a million girlfriends
I have already been told
As you want everyone to think
You fuck anything that moves

But I know the truth
I feel it
Your life will pass you by
While you sit alone
And wait to die

Unless you prove me wrong
By admitting you were wrong
Or you could just get a steady girlfriend

That would show me, ha!