Old familiar thought and
feeling: I want you to take care of me.
New understanding: You
need me to take care of you. And I fail.
Aha moment: Oh so
that's why my relationships don't work, I can't take care of myself because I
have nothing left to give myself or anyone else because it has all been used up
on holding down the lid so that I don't come out. Which is also why I
have gained 10 to 15 pounds because I am not taking care of myself.
If I could go down to
the bottom and just stay there, I would. The bottom of my soul, the
bottom of nothing. So therefore, nothing will ever be experienced and
nothing taken away.
It is good to be alone,
alone to deal with me, but in the end it is lonely.
I am on the rise though,
rising up, up, up and away from who I was. I am making better choices and
seeing things from a better light. A good light. And the bad, bad,
bad are going away. Because I am making the fight and winning it.
Life is better when
shared or experienced, I can see now what that means.
I think about you, and
other people too, but I don't believe that I am also thought about.
Needless to say, I still have a ways before I can be who I see.
You think I am out
there? Maybe the escape is my only way to be free. Maybe
freedom doesn't come in pretty boxes, the world has set me on fire and freedom
is not being me.
Thoughts are sometimes
very harsh when they are attacking me, I am being taken over with the monster,
I can't sit by and not deal with it anymore, but I can't step towards it.
I am stuck. Frozen. I don't want to be, but when has that ever
had a thing to do with me or life.
I am scared, very
scared, and on the verge of giving up. I am also hopeful, very
hopeful, and can see that the end of my misery is coming near and I am almost
there.
