When the monster wakes

Shhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Be very quiet
It is not safe
And its not going to be

If you can tiptoe quietly
We can get out of here
Maybe run away
And be free

But where would we go?
We are only four
We can't feed ourselves
Or even open the door

But when the monster wakes
It will be too late
We have to leave now
But I see your point

So what are we to do
No one to follow through
I don't like what he does
Do you?

No
But what can we do about it?
We just have to let go
And try not to let it show

Because when the monster wakes
It will be too late
To change our fate
Or safe us from this hate

When the monster wakes
I am not always four
Sometimes I am much older
But still can't open the door

What am I fighting for?
I just don't know anymore
I just don't get the point
I am so afraid of everyone

I can't face them
They terrify me
I can't get past them
They electrify me

I don't want my prison bars anymore
But I can't get past my fears
I get over some
And there always seems to be more

When the monster wakes
I get scared and run away
I tell people to leave
But really want them to stay

They leave anyhow
Like they wanted to
And I am left with my sorrow
And wonder if maybe I do deserve it to

I really want to not care
I really want to give up
But can't live there-here
So I sit still

Do I believe all will be forgiven
Or is this the long road to be forsaken
I am afraid to believe
As the monster still hurts me

It dwells deep down below
When you touch it
It just grows and grows
It consumes every part of me
But never lets me be

There is nothing I can do
It is fine and ok
This is my life
I am not meant to be loved

Love is for those who can't be hurt
Like the monster hurts me
As I have never known the sweetness of love
Or a complete and safe physical sexual release

I have just know how it hurts
And won't ever let me be
And I guess maybe I will be ok with that
As what choice to do I really have

I give up
I do
I just give up
Please just let me be

Let me go
I don't want this anymore
I can't
But in order for me to leave
You have to leave me

I know what my life is for
I am not supposed to be loved
I am just supposed to love
Nameless and faceless people

I will just be like Neo without Trinity
Instead of loving one the most
I'll love all equally
But I fear she made him all he could be
And in the end she died anyway
I mean who needs that pain
Not me
As I have enough

I don't want to try anymore
I just want to give up
Please just let me give up
It is ok


That I won't get those things
It is ok
That I won't be loved
I am ok with that fate


As I was ruined by the monster
And knew it was all I was good for
But can't be used like that anymore
So just let me go


To where I don't know
I'll drag myself around this place
And eventually I'll die
Maybe then my grace
Will not pass me by

As I can't see beyond my pain
And the more I touch it
The harder it gets
I can't live like this anymore
And know I am alone in my regret

When the monster wakes
It is never over
Just a new begining
How much more can I suffer?

How much more do I need to
Before the monster feels full
As his ravenous appetite
Consumes my soul

I know I was wrong
To let him in the first place
I am bad
And still bad to this day
I am told all the time
The monster says so
And so do others
I thought loved me
Little did I know


I finally see
I need to give in
The monster can have me
He has already eaten my grin


And the only wish I will make
Is for the sweetness of death to take
As I know I can't go on
And I am tired of pretending when I am wrong


But death never comes
And my path is still clear
So I'll try and give up another way
As the monster is still here


And has touched everything in my life
And turned it to dust
And I can't just let it all rust
So I'll go


Ruined by the monster
I try and give in
But he won't stop
I let go but go nowhere

I am still afraid
To be close to people
I fight to overcome it
But don't get what I seek

I make another wish for death
A reoccurring dream
But again the answer is no
So I again wish that I can go

Told to stay
I don't like it this way
But want to believe
Good things are not far away


No matter if I am right or wrong
I have to sit tight and try to be
And in the meantime
I feel stuck out in the rain

But hopefully
All is for not
Hopefully
My life will have some purpose

And maybe love will find me
Do I dare believe
And is it really up to me
As I just can't say

You are still with me

I feel you
Even though you're not there
I see you
I know you still care

I stopped running
Why didn't you
If you are truly over me
Why do you insist on going so far

If you really didn't care
Would it matter if I was there
I mean would you need all the dramatic flair
All the walls

If you could move on
You would talk to my sister when she calls
But you don't
You're not all you say you are
And I know it

I feel it
I feel you
Call me what you will
But it is just more excuses to not deal with you

You talked to your counselor about me for six months
Than told me by the by
Its over
And good bye

Like you are some king in my world
Well we rule together
But you are my queen
What about what I want?

I get a say too
What happened to "I am going to marry her?"
I know baby you got scared
I did too

Being hurt makes you scared
We let our fear have a vote
And it tore us apart

But I am done with that
Done
You don't believe me
But it is true

As if this is not true
Than I am ruined by my abuse
But I can't believe that
So I must believe that I am who I say

As I have changed all that was wrong
Because I want you so much
And I WANT A LIFE I LOVE
With you in it

Don't think my words are mean
I am not mad
I am in love with you
And you have done this before

Did it work last time
Ask yourself
Remember how it was
You tried this before
And did not break anything

And your poem/song
Doesn't say anything to me
But you are scared
And I hear that you still love me too

As I just want you to be you
Not this shut down version
Where in the hell are you?

I also wonder
Where is the emotion and the fire
You are not saying anything in that song
It doesn't even translate

You write from your heart
Not your mind
The passion is missing from your latest piece
So please don't tell me lies

Because I know you to be fire
And all is see is boring and mediocre
Which tells me you have yourself locked away
Oh baby please let yourself out
It is safe

Just say something
Anything
As if you weren't locked away
Your poem would have some meat to it
And you would not be so fine

Unless you are a cold hearted black heart
Who doesn't care
As if you loved me then
You love me now

And would be sad without me
At least
Not great as you seem
Or is that just what you tell yourself?

I know you
I feel you
I know you hurt deep down
I know you want to come out

Why did you hide
Or at least not stop
If you are over me
You could have said hi
But you did not

All of your actions have been so dramatic
Such a queen
Love that

I know you learned from your parents
That when life hurts
Run away
But they are not happy
Do you want to be?

But if it was so easy for you
Why do you need so many walls
Why do you need to put up those barriers against me
If I am not there
Who cares

I know you feel me
I know I am still there
As I tried to run too
But didn't know to where

I understand that you think
All is for not
But dealing with our abuse
Has made us something we are not
Something we were never meant to be

And I say we can be together
All we were meant to be
But you say
No way

I get that
But can you just let yourself see
How it really is?
Having faith or peace or whatever
Is sometimes the point!

The lies you tell yourself
Will be your regret in the end
I already have enough regrets to last me
I don't need to add you to that list

You forget that I know you
That I have seen you at your WORST
That I have loved you through your hardest moments
Why do you think that I would be so fooled by all this?
I know you

If it were really over
Wouldn't it be
Because you have never
Ever left me

I saw you too
Did you know
We are so connected
And I don't have to lie about that

I have loved you for eight years long
And still do to the end
That does not make me crazy
It makes me human

You "had to" let me go
Because you couldn't show me your love
You couldn't be with me as you wanted
You were too scared

Now if you said that in your song
I would buy it
But there is no truth
Only filler
And you want me to believe that you are not running?

A coward too I might suggest
This is so not on my stability
As I was always more stable than you
Stop the lies and come through
This is not you

I get that I will be fine
Do you really think I won't?
So many people would love to be with me
I am all that they desire

But my fire burns so hot for you
And I don't have to pretend it doesn't
What you say is I am on my feet
But don't you see that I was dealing with being rapped at four?

You even wrote a song about it
But could never understand
Understanding was never your strong suit
But I never stopped loving you

Because I know who you really are
I have seen the beauty by far
And it is that beauty that keeps me here
As I could so move to a place where this doesn't take

And you have stated you are looking
For serious relationships and or a date
It seems almost desperate
Again not you
(yes I know you took off serious relationships, good, don't be desperate please)

Don't you see that might make you look crazy
To people who know you
As it is customary to at least give yourself
A few months before you begin looking

As you put that up just after you left me
And if you were healthy
You would be doing everything different
Again not meant to be mean, just love you

But I would be lying than
Saying I want to date or a relationship
Is pretty much a false state
And boring too

Might I add
As I have never learned so much
From anyone
I am doing well
Miss you like fucking hell

But I am doing things for me
Changing to be myself
Going to run a half marathon next year
And will I be hot as hell
I do all of that FOR ME

I wonder if you really "have to" run from "you" not me
As being with me
Makes you deal with you
And you don't want to

If you were stable enough
For a relationship with someone else
Would you blame them for everything?
Or would you confront your demons

Because yelling at someone
Is your demons
That is not because of me
But I see past that into WHO YOU ARE!

I have spent the past five months
Dealing and confronting me
I did that for me
And for you too

But have you done the same
As me being stable was never the game
It was us learning how to love each other
And we failed

But could give it a shot
You would not believe
Who I AM NOW
You would regret missing out on that

As I would move on
If not for the bond is still so strong
And I am preparing myself to love you right
Since you are what I want

And by the way
Sending an email
Is a pretty coward way to run
And if you want to be done
Meet me face to face
If you can

I am patient
I have waited for you
For as long as you have waited for me
We both deserve to get each other now

And I am just about there
But I see our future
It is amazing
Can you see it too?

This came pouring out of me in minutes
As the truth sets me free
And I just don't believe the charade
Do you really?

Oh and by the by
I feel you trying to push me away
You are trying hard to block me
You don't like it that I stayed
But when you tire of that game

I am here
And I love you
Such a beautiful person
Know it