Open Eyes Shut

It doesn't matter anymore

Nothing does 

People come 

People go

 

I am still here

You are not

You left

But didn't take yourself

 

I can't see a reason

Why I should continue

Why do I go on wanting more?

It seems so pointless

 

I don't want to come out

Not any longer

I just sit inside

It doesn't bother me

 

Not anymore

It used to

When I had hope you cared

It used to drive me crazy

 

But too much has happened

Too many have fled

Or disappeared

Too many are unable

 

Unable to be who I need

Why do I think they will ever be?

They have failed me so many times

I just don't fall for it anymore

 

Not like I used to

But still I seek

Answers don't come

They don't flood my mind

 

Except for you

You sit inside still

I made you leave

You won't

 

So I locked myself out

I can't look at you 

Not anymore

I can't look

 

I can't feel my own heartbeat

I can't decide what is important

I feel lost

Without

 

I am sure I am missing out

I know there are things 

That I feel

That are important

 

But I don't know them

They aren't obvious

They are hidden inside

They aren't seen by me

 

Am I sad?

Angry?

Lonely? 

I just don't know

 

It doesn't make sense

But it is what I must do

So I don't feel the overwhelming love 

I have for you

 

I try to move forward

But the circles still persist

I try and leave

But am still glued here

 

The fucking irony

The fucking point

It's all lost on me

It doesn't seem to matter

 

You would say 

I haven't changed

Or am still the same

You can't deal

 

But you would only see

What it is you want to see

That is normal for you

Doesn't make it true

 

Rotting in my prison

You left me here

Just so you could play house

Pretend you don't care

 

You act like you are right

And EVERYONE else is wrong

You can't even face the truth

Won't face it

 

Cause it faces you

But I am left to remember

And you wonder why I don't blink

Why I shudder at the mention

 

I can't look at you

But still can't look away

I force my heads movement

Turn turn turn

 

I make my eyes shut

You only appear inside

I walk away

You follow me

 

Is this still really my fault?

It seems I am not the only one

Who can't let go

Can't walk away

 

It's obvious you see

Cause if you did let go of me

I should be able to leave

But I can't 

 

With every ounce of try

That I have inside

It only depletes me

Leaves me left to deal

 

I push forward alone

And your right on my heels

I can't break free

I try and try

 

It only takes me around

Up and down

But always I still come back

And you are staring at me

 

Stop fucking staring

Or at least say hi

Apologize for what you did

Admit you were very wrong

 

But that never happens either

It's just in my mind

I create these moments 

They create me at times

 

Where you are actually human

Like real and giving a shit

Like you used to be

Like the woman I know 

 

But it doesn't happen

You aren't there

So many have joined you

Was it something I said?

 

It just doesn't matter 

I am trapped

You did it

I am helpless to your will

 

You hold all the cards

I am out of options

Nothing left to play

I can only sit and wait

 

If you would just look

And truly see me

You would see

I am still exactly what you need

 

Ambivalent Diversity

Strength is good

It keeps you sane

It makes life easier

But it also makes it harder

 

Because when you are strong

You are able to take on

More hardships

Harrowing experiences

 

The weaker ones

Struggle with the same

Lessons and life

Over and over again

 

They learn much slower

Keep a steady pace

Hide and seek their problems

Not face them head on

 

But not me

I can't do that

I feel like I miss out when I do

I make myself do what is right

 

I boldly stand in the storm

I grasp the issues

I face them

Challenge them

 

Bring it on

I call it forth

The next lesson

The next point

 

I can't always see it

The reason why

But I know it's good for me

I know I can handle it

 

I get bored 

So often bored

Especially when I stay still

Or when I avoid what's coming

 

It pushes me out

Of my comfortable space

Into a new zone

Of challenge and purpose

 

It breathes new life

Into meaning

Keeps me moving forward

Around the bend

 

Sometimes it's scary

Often I have to find courage

Cause it doesn't come easy

But it does come

 

Overcoming things are not immediate 

Life gets constantly in the way

So pushing forward at times

Is very difficult

 

But it doesn't stop me

It never stops me

Is this good or bad?

Cause more always comes

 

It never ends

It keeps coming

I can't look away

I want it too bad

 

The faster I learn

The faster I am approached new

I size it up

And follow through

 

Sometimes I look away

Sometimes I sit still for a bit

Then I am reminded

Of what I really want

 

That changes everything

It makes me see

All that I forget to remember 

It makes me want what I had

 

If not for the pot of gold

At the end of the rainbow

I would have stopped walking 

A very long time ago

 

But alas

I cannot sit still for long

I must carry on

Must keep going

 

Through the darkness

Seeing or not

Through the mist

Or weathered spaces

 

I keep it up

Second guessing myself

Not much more

Knowing I am able

 

Is it a curse?

Or a gift?

I am often ambivalent

About my fate

 

Wondering how often

It will nip at my heels

Keep me going 

Pushing forward

 

I am not there yet

Wondering still

Looking for clues

If it will actually happen

If I will actually arrive

To a place foreseen

From deep in the night

A place where I might be happy 

Down a dark tunnel

Deep inside a blackened pit

I saw a glimpse of light

It gave me a glimmer of hope

I pulled myself out

Learned how to walk on my own

Not looking back

I have traveled far

Many miles I have put 

Between me and what was

And still I see more road to go

And I haven't stopped yet

Towing myself

And what used to be

I realize things are changing

Becoming what I want

Has strength gotten me here?

With an intense bit of determination?

Rawness and truth

Overcoming life

Carry on

Traveling far

I guess I'll keep going 

Alone or not

Others get so stuck

And I feel them drag me down

I no longer let them

I just keep going

If no one is ever good enough

To travel with me

Intelligence, rawness, openess

Vulnerability, offering who they are

Most people can't manage 

One nonetheless two

As they are consumed 

By their own scars

I know I don't need them

If they can't treat me the way I deserve

So I'll travel by foot

By myself

I'll keep on

And maybe one day

I'll encounter

One person who is right

One who makes me understand

Strength is not a downfall

They can carry it too

And life can be what you want

Until then

I choose to not compromise

On who I am

Not anymore

I will not be treated like shit

Just because people are fucked up

I choose myself 

I know I deserve it

I am strong enough

To walk alone

To handle it myself

To be satisfied with just me

It's not something 

I am sure anyone else can do

But I have hope for the future

And keep my heart pure

As maybe they are right

Maybe just maybe 

Fairytales do exist

And I will get everything 

Time will tell

The truth always shines through

Life speaks volumes

Of what's to come

When I finally arrive

Where I am

I will have figured it all out

And then I will see

That it was always here

To begin with 

It never left

It just looked like it

When I meet it face to face

I will know it

It will know me

And I will truly see myself

And it will see me

We will not look for another

We will be peaceful inside it

Everything will be as it is