Immersed Inside

Life changes

While staying the same

I have changed

But I know myself

It's not that I don't recognize myself 

Because I am not different

I am just not the same

Forever changed and unchanged

I don't feel apart of this place

Or apart of anyone

I feel left out

To be alone

With out my heart

Or my home

I wander still

Wander more

Wander lusting for what's to come

Mourning still

What was

What wasn't

Keeping things from

Eating me up inside

Making my happiness pay the price

Of the desires still strong inside

I keep my life from being a lie

But still must put on a show

Cause nobody knows

No nobody knows

Can't tell a soul

Would they really care anyhow?

I can't imagine that they can see

Past themselves into me

So I figure the point 

Of it all might be

For me learn to depend

Only and forever on me

With no one to let in

Or make sunshine bright

Inside their life

Making me happy too

I guess I've given up

You have won

Aren't you proud

Aren't you happy

You have beat a worthless tale

A broken girl

At the end you get to victory dance

And I'll just walk away

So be happy

Let it all be not for nothing

Cause it feels that way to me

That even though I can still see

I no longer think 

You see me

Or you care

Even though my heart whispers still

I just muffle it

Keep going

Giving up

Always giving up

Keeping life what it is

Is only a way to deal

Coping is not fun

It's actually pointless

It just keeps you 

From being who you are

I need that

Need not to remember 

So if you think you should show up

Think again

Your happiness is your own now

I won't think of it again

I am letting go

Of what used to be

It captures me still

Keeping life not my own

What to do?

Sitting alone in this place

People come

Mostly go

I carry on still

Towing who I am

And whom I used to be

It's just all about me

Feel selfish in an odd way

Cause it's  not supposed to be

I don't have a choice

I wasn't given one

It has all happened to me

And I have to believe 

It's not my fault

I did not ask for it at least

I know I did do some things

Keeping myself to myself 

Wasn't easy

But you don't know 

No one does

The price I pay

How it really is

What I live with

It's all on me

Seems almost cartoonish

Like not real or something

But it's my life

I have learned to deal

Learned to be raw only to me

And even then

I do it quietly and quickly

Keeping pace with my day

I roll it up

And put it away

Making it stay 

Like a worn out newspaper

The kind you read endlessly

Then put it away

Keeping it safe

Only to take it out 

And remember the tales

You love it

You hate it

It doesn't care either way

But often times

Life gets in the way

Of letting go

Or being yourself

Inside 

Outside

Fear every where

Sometimes seeing the back of someone

You love with all your heart

Is safer than your eyes meeting

Your joined hearts beating

So in a desperate attempt

At self preservation

You foolishly think 

You're better off

But there is no self preservation

It's all pretend

It does not exist

But only in your head

Playing the game is real

Fear taunting you to keep going

Losing is just too damn scary

More scary than fucking lonely