Goodbye to the person that I love the most in the world

Disclaimer:
(I write this for myself.  I blog this for myself.  I love myself and choose to honor myself, in doing so I also choose the hard road, the one less traveled. As I get most people don't fight for five years to get to a place of acceptance so they can honestly let go of the past.  Most people hate until they forget they ever loved and if it doesn't get buried it gets replaced.  It is the brave thing for me to do, to put it all out there like this.   I do it as it is real and true for me.  Not made up because I have an agenda or because I am hanging on.  It is just real inside me and this is what is being said.  It is what I need to say for my completion. It is only about me, and not about you. If you happen to read this and get any kind of understanding so you may let go of the past on a more profound true level, great, if not, great.  As I truly have no agenda. It took me 5 years to get what the fuck was going on, and now that I have I can see I need to truly let you go as you have asked. I have not been hanging on, just wasn't ready for this till I understood it all.  It is right for me, so those are my reasons.  I hope you don't read anything else into this even though I still love you.  I have not been able, with all my trying, to change that.  This is not about falling out of love, this is about letting go of what was. Thank you and goodbye.)

J,

From the moment I met you, you have driven me to push beyond who I am and into someone else. A person that was only possible before you showed up in my life. I fell immediately in love with you, almost in spite of what I tried to do about it.  I didn't even like you much back then and I was sure you were wrong for me. All the differences we shared were stark and our similarities were either mismatched or exactly perfect, being either the same and great or not compatible as we bumped up against the shared parts of ourselves we didn't like.  I had no idea then, who exactly you would be for me or the depth our love would go.  However, something inside me persisted to keep learning how to love you. 

You were the unlikely choice for me, for the reasons I listed a long with you scared the hell out of me.  Completely and totally scared the fuck out me. In some ways, you still do.  I didn't even get it back then, what the fuck was going on.  After I stopped running from you, I just tried like hell to get out of my shell so I could be with you.  As I knew it, at first deep down, then consciously, that I wanted to give you every part of me, if I had only known how.  I was driven, compelled even to change myself from a hurt and "abused" person into someone worthy of your love.  Trouble was I had no idea how to do it.  It was mostly trial and a whole lot of goddamn fucking  errors.  A long with pushing you away and pulling you close when I was able to have any kind of clarity that came from some kind of bravery I had not even realized I owned, much less knew how to call it forth.  It was the most amazing time for me, to go through it all with you.  Something I will never regret.  It was wonderful to love you and be loved by you, I have never before witnessed first hand such an intense and profound love with someone.  I have never experienced such drive or pull to be with someone.  No one has ever made me want to change myself so that I didn't hurt and push them away anymore.  Until you, I only wanted to push people away. You changed everything, everything.  Everything!

It seemed like walking through hell to complete our 8 year relationship.  We did the impossible together. I know you don't see it that way. But we accomplished a lot more than you can see with your plain eyes, you have to look from your heart. Where we came from in Chicago to where we got to in St Louis is not even in the same country of relationship.  If I didn't get stuck I and at which point it it all went sour, I would have taken us beyond infinity-just how much I love you. But unbeknownst to me, you were gonna take me somewhere I needed to go. Thanks for that.

I still get you don't get it all. But somewhere deep inside I think you do. I think you understand the profoundness of the love we share. This is why you run. I get it. It's why I run. So let's just run. It's ok to run.

I really only wanted you to know that I accept your decision. I have accepted it a long long time ago.  I knew many years ago, you needed to be in another relationship that was not with me.  I accepted it then. Then when it happened it hurt like hell, but I accepted it still, because I knew you couldn't truly see yourself as long as you were just looking at me. Life and reality became too muddled and it isn't easy to separate all of that.  Sometimes the best way to truly view ourselves is by looking through someone new, someone else.  So I am glad you found someone to be with, even though I honestly wanted it to be me.  I still accept it as it is important to me that you get what you need even if it's not with me.

I am headed into new grounds and need to draw a line on who I used to be so I let you go.

Be happy. I hope you truly are.

I accept that I will never see you again. I accept that you are gone for good from my life. I had hoped that it would not be forever till I could at least smile at you. But this is the life I live. Truthfully a mere smile would not suffice. So it's best that we meet next time around.  It's best that I don't see you again.

You are one of the most important people I have ever known.  But this is a grand thing you have done. Forcing us to separate.  It has made me seek deep within me and find out exactly who I am. Without your constant presence in my life, albeit was not a physical presence, I don't think I would be making the miracles I am today.  As I have felt you in one way or another for over the past 5 years.  I still feel you now.

I wish I could thank you. Send it out to the void and you would somehow get the message deep down in your soul where I know you still exist. I know your covered up. I know it's not really your fault.  Everything got too scary and I know I made that worse. I accept my blame and offer an apology for my part.

I wish you the best of luck in your life. It has taken me five years to sort this mess out. To look through the muck and mire of my life and my abuse and pull out bits and pieces of myself to try and make sense. I also pulled out bits and pieces of you and stacked them up till I was able to go through it all and face what I had done.

I guess I have been mostly mad at myself for pushing you too far. I guess it was perfect. Thanks for doing what I needed. I needed the pain of losing you to make me face my abuse. When you broke up with me, I tried to hide from you and I could not find a place inside where you didn't show up. The pain of losing you attached onto my abuse and it swirled together and overwhelmed me. I had no choice but to face it all at once. It was harrowing and if I had been weaker I would not have survived it, it was that hard for me. That is why I freaked out so bad. I could not help it, but still regret my desperate actions. I am so sorry.  

It is also the reason why it has taken me so long as it was not just about you. I dealt with all the pain I was experiencing.  Everything inside had to be looked at, discarded, rearranged or understood.  I actually cried every day for over two years.  I was releasing years of sadness and pain.  As I was left with huge mess from what my granpa did to me.  It wasn't until you walked away that I realized the severity and found courage to change.  In the beginning I changed so that I could be with you.  But shortly after, when I saw true change was possible for me, I spent years taking care of myself, loving myself and changing for me.  Thanks for being a reason when I needed one.

But still, it was what I needed. I needed to be free from it. You freed me. I am so grateful. I truly do love you so much. If I had been so lucky to spend the rest of my life loving you I would think I won the most priceless prize of all. But I fucked it all up. I get it. It's ok.

You're happy now. That is great. I love you enough to let you go. Be happy.

I suppose this is my break up letter, not that we are together. It's more of a break up from the past. I have been gifted with an intense and profound 5 years of getting to know me. And now it's time for me to move on to something else. It's time for me to live. I have done all the prep work I can do. There is just no more to discover. I get you, me and all of it in a way I never thought I would. It has just been walking the constant line with you that has taken me here. A place I am profoundly grateful to be. 

Although it was the only choice for me and before today I was not ready to put myself out there.  I needed selfish time to understand me, something I had never done before.  It is not true that I was waiting for you or anyone, but I was only concerned with dealing with my past and being free from it. As I didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, including you over the past five years.  It may have seemed that I was obsessing about you or hanging on, and that is false.  I was only able to deal with me and did not want to drag anyone into that.  I needed time to myself, as I said.  Now that I can honestly say I am ready, it is a wonderful feeling, a bit scary.

So I don't know how it's going to go. But I love you enough to say it's all ok.
I am really great. Been that way on my own for a while now. I don't need anyone, but do want to try and have a successful relationship now.

I am forever changed.

I only wish it would have come in time for you. But it goes how it goes. So maybe I'll see you next life. Maybe then I can love you the way you deserve and accept your love for me, the way I deserve.  We have been here before you know, maybe one of these lifetimes we'll get it right. :-)

Do yourself a favor and see the beautiful, talented and amazing woman that I see. You are more than meets the eye, a real gem, you just don't get it yet. Really really really get it. Maybe you have learned some things about you, I hope so, but trust me when I say that is just the tip of the iceberg and so much profound greatness lies below what you already know about you.

Oh and your family loves you. Love them freely. 

Enough of my wisdom (mini sermons, lol). Enjoy your life and thanks for everything.  Every small moment, every I love you, every sacrifice you made for me, and all in between that I cannot list as it would be way too long.  Just know I get it.

Me

Die or walk away

This is a monologue that I wrote in 2010, I am now ready to share it. It is something I am memorizing to preform at auditions.
Enjoy
Me



I know I told you that you could talk to me or not. I know I told you I was ok with it. But did you really think that I was telling the truth? Did you really think that I wasn't lying?  That I just didn't say that out of necessity because I had to be okay with it. Okay with not seeing you. Okay with how things are.

You acted like you could just come in and out of my life without paying any tolls. Well if you want passage you have to earn it.  You can't just come in and out anymore, I won't let you.


I should thank you though, as you have shown me that I will never again settle for that cramped little spot in the box your were offering. I want the whole shebang or not at all. And since I am certain you wouldn't dare, give yourself over to me, I choose to never see you again.

Yes, yes, yes, never see you again. You hear me!  Never. Ever.

It's not good for me. It's not good for me to see you knowing I can't see you. It hurts me to see you with her. It's not good for me.  I find myself wishing she were dead.  I find myself hating someone who probably is special in her own right because you picked her.

And for those five minutes that you smile at me taunting me to be honest about how much I love you, how I want to desperately be with you, how there is no other for me ever. And the minute I get real about all that, I have to stand up and force myself to walk away. And my heart is once again torn out of my chest and I am helpless to stop it. So no I don't want to see you. Ever again. No, no, no, no!

 I'd rather die than see you. It feels like dying and I am powerless to stop it.

It is has to be this way. I have to make it ok for me not to see you. You, when I want you so bad.

I can die or just walk away.