Die or walk away

This is a monologue that I wrote in 2010, I am now ready to share it. It is something I am memorizing to preform at auditions.
Enjoy
Me



I know I told you that you could talk to me or not. I know I told you I was ok with it. But did you really think that I was telling the truth? Did you really think that I wasn't lying?  That I just didn't say that out of necessity because I had to be okay with it. Okay with not seeing you. Okay with how things are.

You acted like you could just come in and out of my life without paying any tolls. Well if you want passage you have to earn it.  You can't just come in and out anymore, I won't let you.


I should thank you though, as you have shown me that I will never again settle for that cramped little spot in the box your were offering. I want the whole shebang or not at all. And since I am certain you wouldn't dare, give yourself over to me, I choose to never see you again.

Yes, yes, yes, never see you again. You hear me!  Never. Ever.

It's not good for me. It's not good for me to see you knowing I can't see you. It hurts me to see you with her. It's not good for me.  I find myself wishing she were dead.  I find myself hating someone who probably is special in her own right because you picked her.

And for those five minutes that you smile at me taunting me to be honest about how much I love you, how I want to desperately be with you, how there is no other for me ever. And the minute I get real about all that, I have to stand up and force myself to walk away. And my heart is once again torn out of my chest and I am helpless to stop it. So no I don't want to see you. Ever again. No, no, no, no!

 I'd rather die than see you. It feels like dying and I am powerless to stop it.

It is has to be this way. I have to make it ok for me not to see you. You, when I want you so bad.

I can die or just walk away.