Sexually numb
But your insides blaze
A fire you try and ignore
Saving your grace for kinder days
Not really lonely
Just alone
Better this way
You tell yourself
And you remember it's not
Happening right now
And in the past
It always ended really badly
Trying to see through the black
Into something worth fighting for
Doesn't make it easy
To keep looking
Knowing your justified in your causality
As someone has to protect your heart
Someone has to guard the fences
March the perimeter
Walls are standing for a reason
Too many have taken off
With valuables of the land
Too many have ignored
And that time has come to an end
No more empty promises
No more of what will be
It's a mirage of nothing
So for the walls to come down again
It would take a mighty soul
To see beyond them
That is mostly what is required
Although people are too lazy
And too concerned with themselves
So the gold and jewels beyond the border
Are safe from all intruders
Sighing keeps it securely in place
It doesn't want to found
It doesn't need to held
It doesn't need to be loved
And it's ok
As its so much better than
Fighting others for the sake of it all
Love is just not worth it
No one has ever said different
And what can be said
Is not enough to go on
Or trust
Engaging a lie
To win a life
To complete a supposed tale
That's just pretend anyhow
I am better just like this
People don't understand
They think something's wrong
But I remember
All of them
In their imperfect darkness
Their rotten lies and withholdings
Always saying how I wasn't the one
I don't need to hear it
I don't need to be it
I don't need to find anyone
Or be anyone
I am going to change
All of this shit
And when I do
It will be me who shines
Not them and me
Just me
It's enough
It has been
I won't search for someone who is like me
Compliments me
Attracts me
Intrigues me
Fascinates me
Thrills me
Turns me on
And complicates my life
I shuck it to the side
And step forward
Not caring anymore what I leave behind
Or what that means either
It's all about me
And that has become enough
Sigh
Closes the door
I like it that way
It's easier
And I still have all of them
Who stir the ashes
Igniting the slowly dying embers
So they never completely go out
And remind me to keep moving
Even if I don't want to
Instead of a personal tale
I let strangers do it
They push and prod my buttons
They get the rise I need
They are safe behind their plastic screens
They let me feel and see
But it's safe
It's right and ok
I don't have to commit
Or make space
But they do their job
And I learn and get touched
By that invisible hand
I love so much
It never stings
But will still make my insides ring
Peering through the wire
Seeing only what I chose to
It's all a mirror anyhow
And I can turn off the lights
I can walk away
I don't have to fight
I don't have to over come
The terrible ache and pain inside
I can just step
This time I do
One two three
It's a way to be
It's not perfect but
With someone else it gets real bad
I don't have to suffer anymore
I don't have to run for my life
They have already taken off
With parts of me
Already tried to snuff out my fire
But didn't
I can burn
Hot ablaze
In secret
Protected
Without shame
As I am in school
Changing my life
Trying to move
A list of things
To be accomplished
Before I meet it
And that is good
As I only hope
If it ever has to happen again
It will find me
And I will be open when it does
April 16, 2016
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