She's Just There

I see you still

See you here

Inside of me

Never leaving

 

You're just there

I accept that

It's not me

It might be you

 

I don't hang on

Because I want to

Because I need to

Because I have to

 

I have let you go

I have made peace with you

Peace with out you

Inside me still, you are

 

I don't beckon you forth

I don't circle you

Trying to get you back

Hoping you will let me in

 

I am just here

Living

Hoping

Seeing

 

You are here

You never left

You love me still

It hasn't changed

 

I often wonder

Do you still write?

Or sing?

Or play?

 

I come across by accident

News of your upcoming show

It upsets me

I don't want to know

 

It upsets me

Because I would do almost anything

Dress in drag

Cut my hair

 

Just to hear you sing

The songs about me

The ones I know you avoid

Except for "Have to"

 

So I try and again make peace

Peace with you unbudging inside me

Peace with me not seeing you now

Peace or death

 

It feels like dying

Every time I hear about you

Every time you throw those same knives

You don't have any more

 

I don't do anything

I am not around you

I won't let myself be

I wish I was moving

 

So you keep throwing

The same knives

Because you think they still work

You think they still hurt

 

You think it's going to change

But it doesn't

I am still alone

You are still playing house

 

Sigh

Scream

Tantrums get me no where

I have actually learned

 

So I let go

Again

And I cry for a moment

Until

 

Peace from deeper than you and me

Swells up

Let's me be

Tells me, "wait, she just loves you"

 

If not for the relief I feel

I would fight still

But I accept it

Am grateful for it

 

I won't run away

I just have this inside still

I must deal with it

I must change it

 

It is no longer me

So I am learning to let go

I have so much already

I am changing

 

And all the things I put between us

Are disintegrating

And I am feeling lighter

Seeing the truth

 

I wonder

Will all this bring me back to you?

Then I look

And I see

 

You're just there

Inside me

For all my trying

I can't let go

 

For my all dying

Nothing has actually happened

In fact, everything is stronger

Bigger than before

 

 

In spite of our lying

We are more bonded than before

Your just there

Inside me, you are

 

 

And I am inside you

I believe it now

Why you freak out so

Why you act so transparent

 

 

I still have a beat

Inside your heart

You still bring mine to life

It hasn't changed

 

 

And I am not trying to any longer

I am not going to

But I will move forward for just me

I do not sit and wait for you

 

Where are you?

Where did you go?
I saw you yesterday
I thought, anyhow
I can't find you now

You have disappeared from my sight
And left only my feelings behind
But your smile haunts me
Your silly grin, your laugh won't leave me alone

Did I make you up?
Was it all a dream?
Do you really exist
Or is that the dream talking

Your beauty beckons me to remember
But I feel so lost
I feel so caught between this dream
I am not sure where I am headed

I remember so many tender moments
So many that could've happened
And now that I am changing who I am
I want those moments back

But you're gone
No where to be found
I can't see you
I don't know where you went

It saddens me
As I see the blurry image
Of what used to be
The love between us

And I guess for me I hope I did dream you
As knowing you exist in the world
Makes it very hard for me to be right without you
Even though I am trying

What a dream it all could have been
Life gets too damn much in the way of living
And I wish I knew then how to remove all that I didn't want
And just keep you, next to me

Soft and tender
Cuddled in our embrace
Not wanting to let go
Passion flaring

Sigh
It's ok
I think I did dream you
You are just too good to be true

You don't believe me
I know you don't
But I can see past who you are not
Into who you are

Can you?

Obliterated Oblivion

Living without
Is living with
As if you are supposed to have it
You do

Even though you can't see it
Things have a point
Learning or growing
Seems to be what I do best

Life is not for the impatient
I try and remember
All good things
Come in the right time

But since I can't put my finger on it
I feel so left behind
And forgotten
Sad and without

Forcing myself to be different
Perfect and right
As maybe then
I will get what I want

I can't be sure
It seems so fucked up
This way of living
The way I do

I honestly don't know
If I am ready
Good enough
Going to succeed

I try and convince myself
I try and pep talk myself
I try and focus on something else
Anything else

It isn't all for not
Or all she wrote
As nothing is over, yet
But life is fucked

Most of the time I see it
Then I try and remember
That love conquers all
But I don't know that for sure

I haven't seen it
I haven't lived it
So when I say love is all you need
I am only going off what I heard

As for me love falls short
As short as people
People fail me
Time and again

They make life scary and boring
I really only have myself
To count on
And be with

The boundaries are getting smaller
I no longer care that I don't belong
I have accepted it long ago
I expect it now

I still struggle with believing
As I am not sure anymore
It just seems dark
Without a hope

Like a long corridor
I have been walking
It is hard to keep moving
When you can't see in front of you

To keep stepping blindly
Hoping you don't trip again
Hoping the punishment for doing so
Will be unlike last time

I wish I could run to the end
And never look back
Be safe and free
From all that scares me

I wish it were over
And I had won
Even if it means I had lost
As I am so afraid to face it

Face what's coming
What if I am not good enough?
What if I fail every time?
What happens when I hide?

Does it all just go away?
Like it did last time?
I don't know if I am strong enough
I don't know if I can do this

It has been so long
On this trail
In the dark
My feet hurt

It seems like nothing is really there
And nothing is coming either
Just how it feels
But I know different deep down

I have learned that
My eyes fool me
I know things won't look right
Nothing is how it seems

I try and remember
But it gets harder
And the closer I get
The darker things are

It is a lie
A light at the end
It only gets light
Once you emerge

I am still waiting
Still walking
Not yet seeing it
Blind and forgotten

Nothing comes from nothing
But life can't be nothing
Movement happens
So does change

So why does it all
Still look the same?
Like the end of a path
That goes on forever

Repeating
Just to have something to do
Bored beyond compared
Wanting the hell out of here

Stuck
Time and again
Stuck
Budging the unmoveable

Trying to run towards
And hide away
Wasting away
Growing tall

Scared through it all
Seeing my future
So close
But not able to touch

My dreams and visions
Keep me in route
Believing is the hardest part
Yet I do

I believe it is coming
Exactly what I need
I believe I already have it
It is right for me

It is important that I believe
As that's the whole point
To see light in the dark
And create and expand in stillness

Fear trails me
Sneaks upon my shoulder
Tells me all the things I knew
Makes me remember

I am learning to look away
To force myself to see
The light in the dark
The goodness inside me

And sometimes I can't imagine
My life without this glimpse
And while I am ready to face it
My fears overwhelm me

As scary was taught to me
So so long ago
And scary becomes a habit
One that's hard to overcome

Consuming your insides
Forcing you to make choices
You don't really want
Forcing life and love away

Making you stay in miserable
Needing to be punished
Unable to be happy
Closed shut

I know this well
I have fought it hard
I have lost
I have won

I hoped I would never have to deal
I try and tell myself that I don't
I get confused on purpose
I push back

Scared I am
Doesn't that matter
There simply must be
A better way

But I am not going to be able
To get by what's coming
It will meet me
Face to face

Safe in oblivion
Now I feel kicked out
Are you sure I am ready?
To deal with my doubts?

To make these changes
Deep inside me
The ones I keep fighting
The ones I am sure I can't do

But I am being kicked out
Of who I was
Before I couldn't promise different
Now I can't be the same

My oblivion has been permeated
I have been changed
And I am almost there
Almost done

My fears are less
I am so much stronger now
But still have a ways to go
Till I get to what I have seen

As I can only learn how to go so long on my own
Learn by watching
Learn by changing
Becoming whom I am

The mighty next step
Is for me to learn by doing
That I can't teach myself
That I can't do on my own

But until that next path is presented
Until I have reached that next place
All I can do is wait
Wait and work on me

As for now I feel so dead
Watching life go by
Others live it
And I just want life to happen to me!

Happen to me
I used to just want to be alone
Now I long to be free
To be touched and loved

So I send out a message
From me to you
And I'll face my fears
About what's coming

I'll take on me
I'll take on you
And just so we're clear
Bring it here

Cleanse me

Cleanse my blood

For the lies I told

Cleanse my heart

For the meanness I did

Erase the rotten words

Out of my mouth

With a mountain spring

Wash them away

Take away

The harshness I said

Make it better

For what I did

It just had to be

This way, I am afraid

As she can't understand me

Any other way

It just makes her mad

When I love her

Write of her

And me

And how I was drowning

And needed a line

But instead I saw her

And felt happy

I am sorry

It is true

For this I couldn't lie

But she won't wake up

She's dead inside

And this truth

Is on me

She is mine no matter how it looks

And I can't escape

It's like death or deny

I chose death

Maybe I want it too bad

Maybe she's in there still

Somewhere deep

Hiding deep from me

And from her

And was just as rotten

As she can be

And I wonder why I can't eat

I feel sick

But I always do with her

And it makes me so sad

That after all this

She still can't be with herself

Not lost, but not found

I didn't lose you
But I can't find you
You are lost
I don't know where you reside

You're not there

I don't think anyone knows where you are

I think you are stuck

Somewhere in the past

Stuck

In what used to be
Stuck in what was
In what has been done to you

You can't let go

Of anything it seems
It appears your progress has thwarted
Not moved at all

Seems only seems

As what do I know
I only know how you look
As others see you

But when they stop short

At your outrageous flare
I don't stop short at you
I go past it into you

You just can't handle it

That's not my fault
You can't handle you
So you can't handle me

Living a lie
Always living a lie
I bet She doesn't know
As if she does know

Know the truth

Really how well is She?
And you think I am unwell
I don't suffer as you do

Unless you count

All my suffering without you
That burns me up
Pangs of pain run through my soul

I long for an end to this

This fucking glimpse
As I have never been more wrong
Still so horribly wrong

To ever think

I could
Or would even want to
Live with out you

What liars we often are

To ourselves
And to each other
You my dear are the best

But just like Jekyll

Hyde will eventually win out
Take over
Analiate the lie

Consume even you

So you won't be able to hide
Inside this fake, superficial life
You created for yourself

It will eventually fall apart

Be destroyed
By you
They always are

And if you were to once

Admit the truth
In years, once
Admit the truth

You would see

You're not happy
Or fulfilled
Only sad and without

And to make my earlier prediction come true

You are bored

With a doppleganger wanna be

As close to me as you could find

But she doesn't have the class
The style
Or the looks

She even tries to follow in my footsteps

I am the bad ass you want

I am everything you need
You only deny yourself
And you call me a tease

At least I am here

Been here
Still here
Admitting how it really is

And I think if you could once

Turn and face yourself
See how you feel
Acknowledge how you still love me

Take on the truth deep inside

Really truly be at peace
You would most definitely see
You are found within me

Slipped

Life brings me down
To who's level
Is my frown
Its Not my own

This I know
As I can't see my own face
Too dark is this place
A boulder does replace

Slipped
Beyond the darkness grows
A shadow
To unfold and grow

A vortex
Has sucked me deep within
Where am I?
What is this place?

It feels dark and dirty
Hastening is my trace
To free myself
Of this place

But yet, alas
I find my fate
I am tethered deep inside
Some sort of hell is my gate

I feel alone
Without my sanity
I feel drowning
Inside this reality

It isn't what I thought
It would be
It is only all that
I am not to see

Slipped
Beyond the darkness grows
Tumbling now
Something tears

Opening me up
In spite of myself
All I see now
Scares the hell out of me

Alone I feel
Cold and quiet
Remaining still
As to not incur the wrath

That lies behind the darkness still
I try and let it be
Quietly existing
Still inside me

Writhing, turning inside me
Will it ever go?
So I can just be
It doesn't seem so

But what the hell do I know?
I am only here
And I am only there
Inside me still it is

Scaring and scarring
Does often occur
Life is unbeknownst to me
What direction does it travel?

Who keeps watch over me
My mistakes bring out the panic
I feel I have messed up again
Someone keeps all my mistakes made

Knowing I'll probably
Mess it up anyway
I let go
And try and fight back

A gentle love
Washes over me
For a moment
I let it be

Slipped again
A light goes dark
A sigh let's me know
I accept it

Fighting
What my mind cannot see
Turning towards this fate
Running still further away

Paying tolls
All along the way
Promises keep me influx
But still I can't escape

Knowing which way
I need to go
Keeps me headed through
But Hell lingers deep inside

Am I to ever be through?
I don't like this place
I don't want to be here
I want to leave now, please?

I have spent many years
Combing the labyrinth
For a way out
I have tried many things

None of it works
And I am just beckoned forth
With promises of love and laughter
I don't know

Anymore, I don't!
Are promises made to broken?
Or to be kept?
And who decides?

All I see is what went wrong
How it was all
Ripped away from me
At a very early age

And how it keeps
Being ripped away
Every time I try and change
It doesn't seem fair

Slipped
Beyond the darkness
Starts to shrink
I catch a tiny glimpse of me

Illuminated
Like a sliver of sun
Falling through dark clouds
And landing in my lap

Something different
Unfamiliar
Not quite sure though
It just seems so


I am still deep inside
And spend too much time
Hiding away
I still don't know how to stay

Bubbling now with rawness I feel
Emotion gurgles my mind
It overwhelms my insides
My stomach rotten at the core

I carry it around with me
I try and make sense
But I only come up with crazyness
And no where to take it

I feel oh so sick
And fear hinges a hold of me
Freedom is sometimes a high price
I am still not sure it's worth it

I am letting go of the past now
Trying to see beyond my face
But all I can see is dark and lonely
And just when I am ready to give up

I see her beautiful face
And it reconfirms for me
What I know is there
And what I hope won't go to waste

It pulls me to the land of the living
It grounds me in reality
All my doubts I had assured
(To my surprise) Were just not there

I only longed to reach out and touch her hair
It had gotten longer
I liked it
But didn't really notice

As I couldn't take my eyes off her face
Passing by
She didn't even look my way
I was going to wave hi

She looked as miserable
As I felt
Is life really funny?
For my amusement or theirs?

I want a do over
For some things in my life
But maybe that would just take away
The best parts of me

As a do over might suffice
But what exactly do I do?
As even though it was hard learning
I had to experience those things

But a do over would just erase
The brand new parts of me
So instead I'll take a second chance
When I am ready to begin

Copyright 2011

Radiates my Soul

She sits and plays

Music radiates

Life springs new

Deep inside me


I don't ask why

She changes everything

I just accept it

And embrace her


There in the moment

My heart cries

Tears of happiness

In her eyes


She doesn't fumble

Or change her mind

She follows the rhythm

Line by line


It happens automatically

With talent and ease

In her mind

She lets it be


Sometimes spontaneously

Other times she composes

The music and lyrics

For hours or days


Knowing best

What sounds sweet

She often makes it up

As she goes along


It is to be enjoyed

The purpose of it

I do more than enjoy it

I do more than idly attend


It becomes me

I become it

It always makes me happy

To hear her make guitar sounds


I often quietly walk by

As not to disturb

Does she know I am listening

I hope she knows I care


That her music changes everything

It rearranges me into myself

Time after time

She radiates my life


The sweetness touches me in ways I never knew

She touches me there to

It calls me forth

I don't question why


I eagerly pursue

This sweet life

It is enough

I let it be


Taking only and exactly

What I need

The music

Has no limits


No boundaries

No stopping points

It travels far inside me

To the very center of my soul


It isn't hard to tell

That she fits me so well

But I only say thank you

As I couldn't be more grateful


For the beauty she brings

And the healing that springs

I don't think of it

Not anymore


How I used to be

With her

Pushing

Pulling


Closing the door

Trying hard to forget

As she never

Gave up on me


And I learned how

To let her in

Let her be

In love with me


And all the healing too

As she changed everything

Became exactly what I need

And I to her


It has been a long road

And we have learned

We both finally see

How being in love can be


What has always been

Right before us

But now we can accept it

All for what it is


Accept each other too

Open and honest

Full of love and life

Music radiating from deep inside


As life changes you

For the better

But Love makes you become

Who you already are