Who am I

She sits heavy on my soul
She lives deep down within me
She has no name
Only she knows where she came
Or why she is here
I can't see her
Or feel her
And my heart is wrapped tight in her grasp

She protects me
And comforts me
I don't even know her name
I can't let her go
I can't let go
Until she says so
I feel so inbetween

I love her
Hate her
She only loves me
I feel ambivalent
And probably always will be
She has a desire
Mine is so different
She has a name
I have another
She longs and wants
I do it differently
She is quiet and unnoticeable
I holler and scream
She says she's here for me
I can't even see her
It doesn't stop her
I ignore her
She is my favorite person
I am hers
She is me

Written 8-25-05

I am sitting and looking at myself in a most familiar place, but also see myself in the shadow of who I used to be and also in the light of who I long to be.  Who am I?  For I don't know anymore.

Old familiar thought and feeling:  I want you to take care of me.

New understanding: You need me to take care of you.  And I fail.

Aha moment:  Oh so that's why my relationships don't work, I can't take care of myself because I have nothing left to give myself or anyone else because it has all been used up on holding down the lid so that I don't come out.  Which is also why I have gained 10 to 15 pounds because I am not taking care of myself.

 

If I could go down to the bottom and just stay there, I would.  The bottom of my soul, the bottom of nothing.  So therefore, nothing will ever be experienced and nothing taken away.

It is good to be alone, alone to deal with me, but in the end it is lonely.

I am on the rise though, rising up, up, up and away from who I was.  I am making better choices and seeing things from a better light.  A good light.  And the bad, bad, bad are going away.  Because I am making the fight and winning it.

Life is better when shared or experienced, I can see now what that means.

I think about you, and other people too, but I don't believe that I am also thought about.  Needless to say, I still have a ways before I can be who I see.

You think I am out there?  Maybe the escape is my only way to be free.  Maybe freedom doesn't come in pretty boxes, the world has set me on fire and freedom is not being me.

Thoughts are sometimes very harsh when they are attacking me, I am being taken over with the monster, I can't sit by and not deal with it anymore, but I can't step towards it.  I am stuck.  Frozen.  I don't want to be, but when has that ever had a thing to do with me or life.

I am scared, very scared, and on the verge of giving up.  I am also hopeful, very hopeful, and can see that the end of my misery is coming near and I am almost there. 

There seems to be always two sides to me.  Two different me's.  Two different personalities.  Two this and two that.  It is exhausting, but I won't give it up.  It seems like I have been nearing the breaking point for so long.  I can't believe it is so strong and intense that I can't be at the end yet.  Maybe I really am two.  Maybe it is not going to go away.  Maybe I am two, and two shall be