Alone, used to it

I am used to being alone

I guess it shouldn't come as a shock
I mean we are born alone
We die alone
And we walk through the pits of hell alone

Many people often tell me that I am going to hell when I die
They tell me that God hates Lesbians
Some hide their hatred inside of meaningless quotes like
"God hates the sin not the sinner"
Well if being a Lesbian is a sin, then I am sin
As it is who I am
And the God they speak of, if he exists, can take his vengeance and go with them
As all I did was be born

But I think about their hell and if it would be better than mine
I wonder if it would be any different
The long ago, old feeling of wanting to die sits with me here
My own personal fiery pit

I think that in Homosexual Hell there might be a lot of others near
I am alone
But I am used to it
I can't ask for help
No one to hear

Who would I turn to
I was told to shut up
I was told to leave
I was told to stop yelling, stop talking
Go away

I am used to it
Don't want it anymore
This sick pit that I long for death
But I am used to it

Even my mother can't comfort me
She excuses her rage upon me
Don't I deserve more?
Didn't all I try and do was deal what was done to me
Why is everyone so mean?

I am deep inside now
I wish you could be near
I am ready for you to hold me
But I won't ask
I want to, but you've made yourself clear

It is sharp and cuts me deep

I can't sleep
I can't eat
But am tired
Oh, my stomach hurts
I feel queasy and sick
Poison is running through my veins
I feel raw like a corroded artery
I don't think I can make it to the other side of this hell

I am finally dealing with all the abuse my grandfather put me through
Oh, it hurts so bad
I knew it would
I didn't want to go near it
I knew it would be hard

What I thought has happened
I was right to put it off
I don't know when its going to end
Or how I am going to get through it
What if this is only the beginning?
Isn't there an easier way?

It sickens me so
Fuck
Help
No
I can do it

NO I can't
How can I deal with this now
I couldn't handle it then
I don't seem to be doing much better

I can't see his face
But I know the stench of his rotten breath
I won't forget now
I won't get confused anymore

He is Big and Bald and Bulky
He smells like rotten flesh eating away from the inside out
His penis is sharp like a knife
It cuts me deep

I cry a bit
Then I shut up
As I was already warned once
It seems like time has stopped just for me to stay a bit longer inside this hell

He calls me Jenny, that is not my name
I don't correct him
As I wouldn't dare
What he was doing was bad enough
I don't want to make him mad

He continues, doing what I don't know
But I don't like it
Oh I wish he would go away
I don't think it will ever end

Isn't there anyone who cares
Am I really alone in this world?
(No one comes. My suspicion is confirmed. I am alone)
Must take care of it myself
There is no one else

A door materializes and opens. I don't ask questions, I just run through.

I don't know what is happening
I seem to be somewhere safe, at least I think
I ask myself to be sure
"Where are we?"
"Somewhere safe," I reply.
"Shhhsh, he is still out there"

I stay put
Quiet
Still
Hidden
Shhhhh

My attention returns as he leaves the room
I put on my happy face that I just created and say to me
"My name is Jenny, but don't tell anyone, I'm only four,"
And pull up my panties

I run to the bathroom and throw up only once
I clean up my swollen vagina
It stinks like him
It burns, but I make it go away

I hate him
I hate my life
I hate myself for having to endure this
I am afraid of getting caught
Afraid they will all find out
I am only four and this is my reality

I create someone to be nice and sweet
Someone to fool them all
"They won't hurt me like he does," Sara says
Then I smile and leave the bathroom

As I run to the playground the memory fades
The kids that see me, don't see me
I don't want them too
They wouldn't like me if they knew
Nobody would

Its dirty what granpa does to me
They would point and make fun of me
I would hate myself then
Not a word is said

My family doesn't see the truth either
I get lost among the numbers and the day to day
I turn more inside and shut all the doors
Nobody comes knocking
Figures
Yet I feel grateful he is only hurting me, I think

I sit still
Remain quiet
Hidden
Nobody bothers me
And if they do, I smile and they think all is ok

I get a bit older
The pain and the abuse doesn't end yet
The location changes and now I am afraid of more than just my bed
Too many memories of him, I feel choked by it all

I create someone knew, Sally who is six
To carry through
She hates her life more than I do
Cries a lot
Feels the deepest despair
For a few years she tries to deal with what granpa does

Doesn't work and someone knew shows up, Chloe
She is eight and can't speak well, but pulls off the act
She can't put one sentence together with her mouth
People stare, but at least they don't know
She wets her bed too
Trying to reach out to anyone who will care that she is pain
No takers yet

Still lost in the numbers and the day to day
For a few years Chloe does fine
She gets older and school gets hard and scary
There are so many people
I don't trust them
I can't learn
I can't go
I miss to many days of six grade and have to retake it

One day at school blood comes from my vagina
I feel like I have done something wrong
I get scared and put toilet paper in my panties
I tell no one
Not again
Not like granpa

I don't understand, as Suzie who is 13 takes over
She deals with it, even tells mom when I get home
I feel ashamed and wrong
Mom is so excited and calls all of her friends
I play along

I can't live at my house anymore
I am too lost in the numbers and the day to day
Nobody seems to see me
They just see what I want them to see
Everybody always sees what I want them to see

I sit still
Be Quiet
Hidden
And if anyone comes up to me
"A Fuck You" sends them running
They won't hurt me like granpa did

I learn early on people are easy
They don't fight you for the truth
They are easy to get to do what you want
A bit of force and they slide right by
Alone, but it seems to be safer that way

I go to live with a woman with two small children
She is sick and needs help
I need to help someone, I can't help myself
The pressure to mother the children, clean the house and cook is too much for this fifteen year old
She has a complete mental break

Goes crazy and does things she regrets
Things she won't ever let herself forget
Things she wishes she could change
She beats herself up for a long time
"I don't understand what happened or where I was?"
People got hurt, but I was just confused

Things go horribly wrong
Cindy shows up to help
Oh God, what have I done?
I have made her life worse
I have failed the kids
Time to leave quick

My boobs get bigger
My hair is long and flowy
I am sweet sixteen and I wish I were dead
I am beautiful, but don't see it
My name is Marie after my best friend

Boys come up to me
"Hey Big tits, want to fuck?"
Is what I hear.
The fucking nerve
I go deeper inside myself
What the fuck is the point in coming out anymore?

Bifica gets created to show the world a happy face
She wants to be popular and is outgoing
She succeeds, even the preppy girls want a seat next to me
She has some fun and meets some people

She tries to appear like she is one of them
Straight, OK, not hurting, into drugs, skipping school, a bad ass, smoker, like's boys, but doesn't ever want to get married or be with one
She changes herself to fit in with the current crowd
She goes from prep to pot head, can be anything for anyone

The boys don't let up, and Marie gets dragged further down
She tries to kiss them, they all tell her that kissing her is like kissing a brick wall
She doesn't care, maybe they won't come kissing me again
Things seem to be ok
Nothing bad has happened yet

Until, somehow, I don't know how, how did it happen
How did my panties get taken off?
How did it happen, I can't remember?
"Gross"

"Is it in?" Marie asked
"Yes, its been in!" Cocky but wounded fucker
Well I obviously wasn't there for that experience
Lucky me
But still seems to drag on,
Not this again
It ends quicker

Oh God what have I done
What did he do?
I go home to use the bathroom
And when I pull down my panties I see it
A condom with some black stuff in it
Oh god, I'm going to be sick

What if I get pregnant?
Oh god!
Help me
My mind caves in on me
I beat myself up
I can't take what he did to me
The fucking asshole doesn't even care

Somehow I start to forget
But somewhere a door has been opened
While I try and find it to close it shut
More boys enter
Naked, wanting the same thing

I can't say no
I don't
They don't care that I am dead inside
They work themselves upon my lifeless body
Why oh why can't I say no!!!
I wish I could die, but it never happens

Isn't there anyone to help me?
I can't do this.
Old dirty men grope me in restaurants
Men follow me into bathrooms
Men demand for me to suck their dicks

I wake up in the middle of the night with their mean parts in my mouth
They push my head to and fro
And try and squeeze my tits enough that they will go

What the fuck is happening to me?
Isn't there anyone to help?
I sit still, quiet and wait
No one comes, no one cares
No one ever does, I am used to it

I am all alone, still.
I am still used it and didn't expect them to come anyhow
Maybe they never will
I go numb all over
Go deeper inside and lock all the doors

I skip school almost everyday trying to find a place to hide from them
I'll have to retake the whole year of ninth grade as I have missed to many days
But it all beats having to do things to their body
Or them doing things to me

I can't be seen by anyone there
But show up one last time
A lone teacher tries to get me to wake up
"You have to get your head out of your ass and come back to school,"
I don't understand and leave anyway
I am already behind two years, I don't want to start over again

Horrible memories need to be forgotten
Elizabeth shows up with enough courage to stop it
She makes all of the men go away
I relax and sigh
Thank you
She hangs around, keeping all the doors chained and dead bolted

I can't do school
I can't do life
My mom sends me to the ghetto to get my GED at a facility
I meet some knew friends, like most of them
But it is a scary place
Not what Elizabeth signed up for
So Charlie appears

Charlie can take it
Any of it
She puts them all off
All the boys who want to fuck her
All the girls who want to kick her ass
She deals with it for two years

Carolyn shows up to add some support
She came with wisdom and an understanding
She aides us all in protection and finding a cure
She is full of light and love

Hangs around for a bit as things tapper off
A much needed dry spell
Finally
Until my sister gets married and I fly down
Unexpected I see my Granpa, thin, frail, dying
Something takes place unbeknown to me

Oh but the way he looks at me
What the fuck was that all about?
Was he looking at me because he was longing for my small lifeless body?
Was he sorry?
I thought nothing of it then, but it was a telling look.
What he was telling me, I don't know
I wouldn't ask him if I could

When he finally dies
Olivia comes to surface, 26 now
She takes on crowd control and is strong enough to deal
Life doesn't get better for years after
It takes Norma my counselor to start taking the pieces apart
So that they may be put back together without granpa
And it takes my girlfriend to lead the way
Before I walk towards the darkness

Granpa is still here with me
He has gone nowhere
As the silence is now breaking into tears
I feel the pain of the little girl who deserved more and got none

I can see how I ended up my prison
Makes perfect sense
I would choose the prison now so I wouldn't have to deal with his penis
I can't face it

I feel like like nobody cares that I am in pain
I try and sit still
Be quiet
Remain Hidden
But it doesn't work anymore
Norma has put a spell on me
I want too much now, love and life

I can see what I used to not see
I can see me
I don't like him inside me, I don't like what I see
Nowhere to turn but inside myself

Help is not coming
It's ok I am used to it
Nobody's listens
Nobody cares

But does the little girl deserve more? Do I? Does either get it?
Or is this all?
Left with a constant reminder of painful times so long ago?
Nothing feels more like hell than this

I just want it out of me
Which way do I turn?
I will go, to be rid of him
I will walk far and drop him off
He won't ever find me again

But it feels stuck inside me
And it hurts
I can't deal
I can't go further
I can see why I wanted to die
Dying is the only way I know to get out of this hell

I have tried to die
I have
I have thought about it
I have imagined it
I pictured it
I have planned it in my mind
I have asked, pleaded with God to destroy me
I have tried
Death will not come

How do I go on?
He is to close
I can smell his rotten breath
His penis is sharp like a knife
Cuts me deep
I cry once
Then I shut up

Not lost without you

I get that it would seem like I am crazy or something by the way I acted
It was confusing for me too
The loss of you

But months after crying because I was abused
I finally realized that I was crying because I was abused
I was not crying so much over you
I just wanted you there

I am used to not getting what I want
I am used to having to deal with your bullshit or mine
In the way like some fucking roadblock
Aggravating and incessant,
And I am unable to remove it, yet

I am used to not getting you
Wanting more
Wanting you
To be close, comfortable, and chatty
I miss those moments the most

Doesn't mean I like it
The separation and all
As I would give almost anything to have you, hold you,
And be intimate with you

Our Mutual Passion Flaring
The greatest Love Transcending
Our Lives intertwined
The most Excitement, Adventure, Possibility
I know it is worth it and a might reality

But I am not crumbling because you stopped yelling at me
I am not wanting to die because you took yourself away
And the other people I have come to love

I am wanting to die because the little girl is still hurting
And I can't take it anymore
I can't listen to the incessant crying
The constant and painful sighing
Or even troubled lying
And the insane writhing

I get it may seem like I can't go on because your not there
I thought so too at first
But when I realized that I was just looking for a safe place to hide
Someone to protect me from the danger inside

It all made sense to me
I know it was not your burden to bear
And I appreciate the room to spare
As I miss you, but am not lost without you
I cry over you
But am hurting over what he did to me

I am sorry if all the crazyness got to much for you
I get that it might have pushed you deeper inside
I want the world for you
I get that I want that too

Things are not better without you
As they never are
It was because of you
That I decided to come this far

I wanted to run away
But know it was not from you
I wanted to run away from him
But stayed because of you

You are a light in this troubled world of mine
I know that you are troubled too
We can work it all out my love
But for now lets push on through

Hell

What is it?
Is it a place you go to when you die?
That's what religion teaches us. But if that were true, how do they explain the fact that Hell is on Earth. That I know over the course of my life I have been in Hell numerous times.
What do the Theologians say about it?
Or do they just talk in circles and quote the bible?

Hell is when your grandfather uses you with his ugly parts.
What in the hell was I being used for?
Hell is when every boy you meet thinks you are a new ride at six flags.
Like who are they kidding.
Hell is when you can't say no to some of them.
What the hell I am doing?
Hell is when your relationships crumble because you can't find the beauty inside you that everyone you ever met has tried to kill.
Sooner of later you stop fighting them and give in.
Hell is when you can't sleep, get up early, can't eat, and are afraid that anything good has long since passed you by.
Don't I deserve something more than all this Hell?
Hell is the topic of conversation looped for the personal satisfaction of someone you can't stand.
Why can't I find anyone who sparks my interests.
Hell is having every one around you suck you dry.
I am nobody's door mat
Hell is not being able to break free from your self imposed prison bars
I can see out, but I can't get out
Hell is being completely in love with someone and unable to show it
When I break free from these chains, you will see what I mean
Hell is when you get close to what you want and it is taken away
Sigh

From the way I see it, Hell is place to be visited time and again on Earth and Hell's Demons are never far away, either

I am so sorry I was abused

I am sorry to myself, the parts of me that are still hurting.
I am sorry that I can't make it better right now
I am sorry that I didn't know how to make it better
I am sorry that couldn't run away
So sorry I was too small to fight back

I am sorry that I wanted to die when he was hurting me
I am sorry that I was afraid to live because of my pain
I am sorry that I couldn't see in this moment
I am sorry that I traveled so far in the past

I am sorry that what my granpa did to me affected you so much
I am sorry if you hate me
I am sorry if I hurt you
I am sorry that I couldn't make myself feel better
I am sorry that I couldn't make the pain stop
I am sorry that you were hurting too

I wish I could change the past
So that I might not be so screwed up
So that maybe I would be someone who was worth it
Worth you

I am sorry, but I did try my best
Even though I failed you

I wish I could make the pain stop
I wish I could go back and stop what he did
I wish I could kill my grandfather
I wish I could heal my body
I wish my counseling sessions were magical
Or at least moved quicker

I am so so so so sorry
I think I can see what you see
But do you see what I see?

With all of me

In my mind I see your face
I don't know if you see what I see
Your beauty, your grace
You are so full of light and beauty
So am I, we are a pair
In love sweetly
I see us caught up in the moment
Neither afraid to show how we feel
I see you there, as you really are, with me
I see me, there as I really am, with you
The only place I want to be
Neither afraid or scared or shamed
As we are entangled in our passionate embrace

The love we share it is so complete
You don't worry about how it might be
And I trust you with all of me

I am not afraid anymore
I am not afraid to love you
It is what I was meant to do
I am not afraid to show it
Or let my body know it
I am not afraid of how it feels
I am sorry that I ever did

From Down Deep

Last night I dropped off your Coldplay
Your car parked in the usual spot told me what I already knew
I felt your presence only being feet from me
As I pressed the eject button our song stopped playing,
I held my breathe and tussled my hair
Got out of my car and walked to your door
Thoughts of the last time I was there flooded my mind
And as I was about to silence them a new emotion emerged from down deep
From the heart of my soul came up with the overwhelming emotions that I wanted you
I know you don't believe it, but it is true
Being that close to you ignited our flame right away
I carefully walked to your door, which one, I wasn't sure
It took me a moment, as they all looked a like to me in Jesus Land
I longed to spring you from your catholic prison, but that was up to you my love

Focus on the task at hand, blurry everything got
I found your door, quietly opened up the mail slot and slid the cd in
I hurried back to my car and turned the corner and sped off
I passed your house, but did not stare
Did you see me for that second I was there?

I wanted to stay and be so close
I drove away, trying to quiet my aching mind
A song blaring from my radio, didn't help

Nothing worked as you permeate my soul
Every part of me longs to be near you
My soul longs to hear your guitar sing
My mouth longs to be upon you
My arms long for the feel of your skin inside my grasp
My ears long to hear your sweet voice ring
My legs wished to be wrapped around yours
My feet longed to walk closer to you
My eyes longed to meet your gaze
My hands longed to be moving freely on your beautiful body
My butt longed to be up against you as you held me
My vagina longed for the sweetness only you could supply and satisfy

I will never get over you, and I don't want to
I get this all has a purpose, but I love you with all of me.
I am still here.
Not going anywhere.
Patient. Not even asking. Patient.
Longing. Wanting. Patient.
Grateful for you