Obliterated Oblivion

Living without
Is living with
As if you are supposed to have it
You do

Even though you can't see it
Things have a point
Learning or growing
Seems to be what I do best

Life is not for the impatient
I try and remember
All good things
Come in the right time

But since I can't put my finger on it
I feel so left behind
And forgotten
Sad and without

Forcing myself to be different
Perfect and right
As maybe then
I will get what I want

I can't be sure
It seems so fucked up
This way of living
The way I do

I honestly don't know
If I am ready
Good enough
Going to succeed

I try and convince myself
I try and pep talk myself
I try and focus on something else
Anything else

It isn't all for not
Or all she wrote
As nothing is over, yet
But life is fucked

Most of the time I see it
Then I try and remember
That love conquers all
But I don't know that for sure

I haven't seen it
I haven't lived it
So when I say love is all you need
I am only going off what I heard

As for me love falls short
As short as people
People fail me
Time and again

They make life scary and boring
I really only have myself
To count on
And be with

The boundaries are getting smaller
I no longer care that I don't belong
I have accepted it long ago
I expect it now

I still struggle with believing
As I am not sure anymore
It just seems dark
Without a hope

Like a long corridor
I have been walking
It is hard to keep moving
When you can't see in front of you

To keep stepping blindly
Hoping you don't trip again
Hoping the punishment for doing so
Will be unlike last time

I wish I could run to the end
And never look back
Be safe and free
From all that scares me

I wish it were over
And I had won
Even if it means I had lost
As I am so afraid to face it

Face what's coming
What if I am not good enough?
What if I fail every time?
What happens when I hide?

Does it all just go away?
Like it did last time?
I don't know if I am strong enough
I don't know if I can do this

It has been so long
On this trail
In the dark
My feet hurt

It seems like nothing is really there
And nothing is coming either
Just how it feels
But I know different deep down

I have learned that
My eyes fool me
I know things won't look right
Nothing is how it seems

I try and remember
But it gets harder
And the closer I get
The darker things are

It is a lie
A light at the end
It only gets light
Once you emerge

I am still waiting
Still walking
Not yet seeing it
Blind and forgotten

Nothing comes from nothing
But life can't be nothing
Movement happens
So does change

So why does it all
Still look the same?
Like the end of a path
That goes on forever

Repeating
Just to have something to do
Bored beyond compared
Wanting the hell out of here

Stuck
Time and again
Stuck
Budging the unmoveable

Trying to run towards
And hide away
Wasting away
Growing tall

Scared through it all
Seeing my future
So close
But not able to touch

My dreams and visions
Keep me in route
Believing is the hardest part
Yet I do

I believe it is coming
Exactly what I need
I believe I already have it
It is right for me

It is important that I believe
As that's the whole point
To see light in the dark
And create and expand in stillness

Fear trails me
Sneaks upon my shoulder
Tells me all the things I knew
Makes me remember

I am learning to look away
To force myself to see
The light in the dark
The goodness inside me

And sometimes I can't imagine
My life without this glimpse
And while I am ready to face it
My fears overwhelm me

As scary was taught to me
So so long ago
And scary becomes a habit
One that's hard to overcome

Consuming your insides
Forcing you to make choices
You don't really want
Forcing life and love away

Making you stay in miserable
Needing to be punished
Unable to be happy
Closed shut

I know this well
I have fought it hard
I have lost
I have won

I hoped I would never have to deal
I try and tell myself that I don't
I get confused on purpose
I push back

Scared I am
Doesn't that matter
There simply must be
A better way

But I am not going to be able
To get by what's coming
It will meet me
Face to face

Safe in oblivion
Now I feel kicked out
Are you sure I am ready?
To deal with my doubts?

To make these changes
Deep inside me
The ones I keep fighting
The ones I am sure I can't do

But I am being kicked out
Of who I was
Before I couldn't promise different
Now I can't be the same

My oblivion has been permeated
I have been changed
And I am almost there
Almost done

My fears are less
I am so much stronger now
But still have a ways to go
Till I get to what I have seen

As I can only learn how to go so long on my own
Learn by watching
Learn by changing
Becoming whom I am

The mighty next step
Is for me to learn by doing
That I can't teach myself
That I can't do on my own

But until that next path is presented
Until I have reached that next place
All I can do is wait
Wait and work on me

As for now I feel so dead
Watching life go by
Others live it
And I just want life to happen to me!

Happen to me
I used to just want to be alone
Now I long to be free
To be touched and loved

So I send out a message
From me to you
And I'll face my fears
About what's coming

I'll take on me
I'll take on you
And just so we're clear
Bring it here