Immersed Inside

Life changes

While staying the same

I have changed

But I know myself

It's not that I don't recognize myself 

Because I am not different

I am just not the same

Forever changed and unchanged

I don't feel apart of this place

Or apart of anyone

I feel left out

To be alone

With out my heart

Or my home

I wander still

Wander more

Wander lusting for what's to come

Mourning still

What was

What wasn't

Keeping things from

Eating me up inside

Making my happiness pay the price

Of the desires still strong inside

I keep my life from being a lie

But still must put on a show

Cause nobody knows

No nobody knows

Can't tell a soul

Would they really care anyhow?

I can't imagine that they can see

Past themselves into me

So I figure the point 

Of it all might be

For me learn to depend

Only and forever on me

With no one to let in

Or make sunshine bright

Inside their life

Making me happy too

I guess I've given up

You have won

Aren't you proud

Aren't you happy

You have beat a worthless tale

A broken girl

At the end you get to victory dance

And I'll just walk away

So be happy

Let it all be not for nothing

Cause it feels that way to me

That even though I can still see

I no longer think 

You see me

Or you care

Even though my heart whispers still

I just muffle it

Keep going

Giving up

Always giving up

Keeping life what it is

Is only a way to deal

Coping is not fun

It's actually pointless

It just keeps you 

From being who you are

I need that

Need not to remember 

So if you think you should show up

Think again

Your happiness is your own now

I won't think of it again

I am letting go

Of what used to be

It captures me still

Keeping life not my own

What to do?

Sitting alone in this place

People come

Mostly go

I carry on still

Towing who I am

And whom I used to be

It's just all about me

Feel selfish in an odd way

Cause it's  not supposed to be

I don't have a choice

I wasn't given one

It has all happened to me

And I have to believe 

It's not my fault

I did not ask for it at least

I know I did do some things

Keeping myself to myself 

Wasn't easy

But you don't know 

No one does

The price I pay

How it really is

What I live with

It's all on me

Seems almost cartoonish

Like not real or something

But it's my life

I have learned to deal

Learned to be raw only to me

And even then

I do it quietly and quickly

Keeping pace with my day

I roll it up

And put it away

Making it stay 

Like a worn out newspaper

The kind you read endlessly

Then put it away

Keeping it safe

Only to take it out 

And remember the tales

You love it

You hate it

It doesn't care either way

But often times

Life gets in the way

Of letting go

Or being yourself

Inside 

Outside

Fear every where

Sometimes seeing the back of someone

You love with all your heart

Is safer than your eyes meeting

Your joined hearts beating

So in a desperate attempt

At self preservation

You foolishly think 

You're better off

But there is no self preservation

It's all pretend

It does not exist

But only in your head

Playing the game is real

Fear taunting you to keep going

Losing is just too damn scary

More scary than fucking lonely 

2001-2004 « Connie Imboden

2001-2004 « Connie Imboden

Open Eyes Shut

It doesn't matter anymore

Nothing does 

People come 

People go

 

I am still here

You are not

You left

But didn't take yourself

 

I can't see a reason

Why I should continue

Why do I go on wanting more?

It seems so pointless

 

I don't want to come out

Not any longer

I just sit inside

It doesn't bother me

 

Not anymore

It used to

When I had hope you cared

It used to drive me crazy

 

But too much has happened

Too many have fled

Or disappeared

Too many are unable

 

Unable to be who I need

Why do I think they will ever be?

They have failed me so many times

I just don't fall for it anymore

 

Not like I used to

But still I seek

Answers don't come

They don't flood my mind

 

Except for you

You sit inside still

I made you leave

You won't

 

So I locked myself out

I can't look at you 

Not anymore

I can't look

 

I can't feel my own heartbeat

I can't decide what is important

I feel lost

Without

 

I am sure I am missing out

I know there are things 

That I feel

That are important

 

But I don't know them

They aren't obvious

They are hidden inside

They aren't seen by me

 

Am I sad?

Angry?

Lonely? 

I just don't know

 

It doesn't make sense

But it is what I must do

So I don't feel the overwhelming love 

I have for you

 

I try to move forward

But the circles still persist

I try and leave

But am still glued here

 

The fucking irony

The fucking point

It's all lost on me

It doesn't seem to matter

 

You would say 

I haven't changed

Or am still the same

You can't deal

 

But you would only see

What it is you want to see

That is normal for you

Doesn't make it true

 

Rotting in my prison

You left me here

Just so you could play house

Pretend you don't care

 

You act like you are right

And EVERYONE else is wrong

You can't even face the truth

Won't face it

 

Cause it faces you

But I am left to remember

And you wonder why I don't blink

Why I shudder at the mention

 

I can't look at you

But still can't look away

I force my heads movement

Turn turn turn

 

I make my eyes shut

You only appear inside

I walk away

You follow me

 

Is this still really my fault?

It seems I am not the only one

Who can't let go

Can't walk away

 

It's obvious you see

Cause if you did let go of me

I should be able to leave

But I can't 

 

With every ounce of try

That I have inside

It only depletes me

Leaves me left to deal

 

I push forward alone

And your right on my heels

I can't break free

I try and try

 

It only takes me around

Up and down

But always I still come back

And you are staring at me

 

Stop fucking staring

Or at least say hi

Apologize for what you did

Admit you were very wrong

 

But that never happens either

It's just in my mind

I create these moments 

They create me at times

 

Where you are actually human

Like real and giving a shit

Like you used to be

Like the woman I know 

 

But it doesn't happen

You aren't there

So many have joined you

Was it something I said?

 

It just doesn't matter 

I am trapped

You did it

I am helpless to your will

 

You hold all the cards

I am out of options

Nothing left to play

I can only sit and wait

 

If you would just look

And truly see me

You would see

I am still exactly what you need