Twisting in the Wind

It is ok for life to suck

If you are living it fully

It is going to be hard

You will have to overcome

It is easy to pretend

That everything is perfect

Easy to put on a happy face to the world

Be that nothing is wrong

Forget about your problems

Ignore what you need to let go

Not focus on you

Resist dealing

But you miss out

On life's true beauty and fullness

When you do that

And nothing really changes

You just think it does

You can fake it till you think you make it

But you won't get there

Not that way

Facing the trueness

Being life is sweet

Chaos or peace

It can be what you are ready for

Life can be both

Beautiful and dark

Both at the same time

And it is ok

I am alive

I am awake

I am aware of both light and dark

And choose to see the beauty

Sometimes when I don't see it

I admit that can be true

But it doesn't take me long to find it

And that is something new

It only depends upon what you commit

As if you are wanting to hurt or suffer

You will always find reasons

It will be in your face

But even though I still hurt

I still also work through it

I see beauty in the darkness

As I am supposed to

It changes me

It makes me whole

I learn from who I am

Life is good to me

I am here

Loving and learning

It is often hard

But I endure

I see who I am

I be what life has to offer

I am getting outside myself

I am finding my own peace

Even though life is troubled

I can still be happy with me

Even though what I really want

Is still Twisting in the wind

I am learning

How to be with myself

How to see myself as I am

It is good

If instead I would have chosen

To ignore the gentle pull within

I would most certainly have avoided myself

Done anything to keep it quiet

Including involving someone else

Anyone to distract me

Keeping me from dealing

Life is easier that way

If I would have

Jumped into any relationship

Just to pass the time

Or fill my bed for filling sake

I would have never seen me

As someone would always be

Blocking the view

And I would not have progressed

It would have been easier

Sure, but

Not better

Not right for me

But instead

I took a very long and hard look at me

Something that can't be side stepped

Or shortcutted

It can't be ignored

Or hurried through

You have to take the time

If you truly want to be happy

You have to learn

To truly love yourself

And focus on the light

Through the trees

And there is a time

And a place to do that

And when it comes calling

It's best to seek it

I took the road least traveled

As I was searching for me

That I cannot do with another

Truly find myself

I am stepping on all the stones now

Not just the pretty ones

Some are sharp

And they often cut me deep

Some stones are reflective

They show me a bit more of me

Some stones are hard to deal

And I often find myself lost for a bit

It is a long process

And after the life I had

Something I needed to face

And learn to be at peace

And while life still has it's ups

And it's downs

While I still am learning

I am still alive

I am not the same person

I am not in the same pain

I can hurt

And I can smile

I am love

I see I need to let it be

As when I cover it up

It doesn't go away

Letting the love

Fill me inside

Feels so good

So complete

I see that's really all I need

All I wanted

And that I actually did

All on my own

Awaiting

It's not that I don't believe it

So much inside says it's true

It's that I still can't see it

So I am left with what to do

You can't live a life

You haven't been given yet

I can't be that I girl I see

Until another sees her too

I can only keep pushing myself down

Tunneling till I hit the bottom

But so often I still don't want to see

Does this mean I am not yet free?

I try, really I do

But lately I feel secluded

Self-concluded into me

I feel I just don't want to be seen

What is the point?

It matters not anyhow, it seems

I am still not living

The life of my dreams

And this simple lived life

Does not satisfy the appetite

Of the ever gnawing beast inside

So what the fuck is the point?

I can't go on for many more years

And expect or pretend that I will care

It seems not, as it always does

So what is this kind of love?

I have only heard

Like a whisper on the wind

Of an old Children's fable

It seems almost magical but not really able

Twisting and turning

It does so inside

And yet I am mourning

What I can't let be safe inside

I feel rearranged

Into a whole new me

And still I find myself alone

Wasn't the show supposed to go on?

I go up

I go down

I see

I turn a blind eye

It all seems to be happening now

It all seems like a dream

I can't pinch myself hard enough

I can't make my future be true

I have to have patience

Patience for what?

I don't think it's real

It just still hurts to bad to really deal

I too often still run fast and far

Is this the reason for my many scars?

I have probably done it to myself

Punishment required to pass this point

But I no longer think I deserve it

I understand who I truly am

It doesn't seem to change it though

I just continue to carry on my own

Still wanting life to change

Although things on the outside

Haven't changed the way I'd thought

So it confuses all I hoped would be

I feel held back

Right before home plate

Like I can get there

But maybe it's too late

And unlike others

Who aren't like me

I can't pretend

That I don't see

I know too much

To skate on oblivious

I see too far

To completely disregard where I am going

It isn't something I can change

It just is so

I must summon all my courage

And boldly go forth

I have pushed myself

For so long

And so hard

Isn't that enough yet?

I still can't see the whole picture

I am only looking at it just through my eyes

And this is not enough

To fully understand all of life

But yet I carry on

Searching for hope or a reason

One that confirms my journey here

And validates my being

I feel wandering

And not knowing

I feel purposeful in my steps

Getting closer, but not there yet

It seems I am closing in

On whom I am meant to be

But something is missing from this life

That something is the key

As what I do know

Is I am unable

To complete this task on my own

I am just not made that way

No matter how much

I would like it

No matter how I wish

I could make it true

I can't be satisfied

Just on my own

No more than I could be happy

With just anyone

If I want to finish

What was started

I'll have to meet her

Face to face

It will have to happen

Outside my mind

In the real world

My life awaits