Awaiting

It's not that I don't believe it

So much inside says it's true

It's that I still can't see it

So I am left with what to do

You can't live a life

You haven't been given yet

I can't be that I girl I see

Until another sees her too

I can only keep pushing myself down

Tunneling till I hit the bottom

But so often I still don't want to see

Does this mean I am not yet free?

I try, really I do

But lately I feel secluded

Self-concluded into me

I feel I just don't want to be seen

What is the point?

It matters not anyhow, it seems

I am still not living

The life of my dreams

And this simple lived life

Does not satisfy the appetite

Of the ever gnawing beast inside

So what the fuck is the point?

I can't go on for many more years

And expect or pretend that I will care

It seems not, as it always does

So what is this kind of love?

I have only heard

Like a whisper on the wind

Of an old Children's fable

It seems almost magical but not really able

Twisting and turning

It does so inside

And yet I am mourning

What I can't let be safe inside

I feel rearranged

Into a whole new me

And still I find myself alone

Wasn't the show supposed to go on?

I go up

I go down

I see

I turn a blind eye

It all seems to be happening now

It all seems like a dream

I can't pinch myself hard enough

I can't make my future be true

I have to have patience

Patience for what?

I don't think it's real

It just still hurts to bad to really deal

I too often still run fast and far

Is this the reason for my many scars?

I have probably done it to myself

Punishment required to pass this point

But I no longer think I deserve it

I understand who I truly am

It doesn't seem to change it though

I just continue to carry on my own

Still wanting life to change

Although things on the outside

Haven't changed the way I'd thought

So it confuses all I hoped would be

I feel held back

Right before home plate

Like I can get there

But maybe it's too late

And unlike others

Who aren't like me

I can't pretend

That I don't see

I know too much

To skate on oblivious

I see too far

To completely disregard where I am going

It isn't something I can change

It just is so

I must summon all my courage

And boldly go forth

I have pushed myself

For so long

And so hard

Isn't that enough yet?

I still can't see the whole picture

I am only looking at it just through my eyes

And this is not enough

To fully understand all of life

But yet I carry on

Searching for hope or a reason

One that confirms my journey here

And validates my being

I feel wandering

And not knowing

I feel purposeful in my steps

Getting closer, but not there yet

It seems I am closing in

On whom I am meant to be

But something is missing from this life

That something is the key

As what I do know

Is I am unable

To complete this task on my own

I am just not made that way

No matter how much

I would like it

No matter how I wish

I could make it true

I can't be satisfied

Just on my own

No more than I could be happy

With just anyone

If I want to finish

What was started

I'll have to meet her

Face to face

It will have to happen

Outside my mind

In the real world

My life awaits