She's Just There

I see you still

See you here

Inside of me

Never leaving

 

You're just there

I accept that

It's not me

It might be you

 

I don't hang on

Because I want to

Because I need to

Because I have to

 

I have let you go

I have made peace with you

Peace with out you

Inside me still, you are

 

I don't beckon you forth

I don't circle you

Trying to get you back

Hoping you will let me in

 

I am just here

Living

Hoping

Seeing

 

You are here

You never left

You love me still

It hasn't changed

 

I often wonder

Do you still write?

Or sing?

Or play?

 

I come across by accident

News of your upcoming show

It upsets me

I don't want to know

 

It upsets me

Because I would do almost anything

Dress in drag

Cut my hair

 

Just to hear you sing

The songs about me

The ones I know you avoid

Except for "Have to"

 

So I try and again make peace

Peace with you unbudging inside me

Peace with me not seeing you now

Peace or death

 

It feels like dying

Every time I hear about you

Every time you throw those same knives

You don't have any more

 

I don't do anything

I am not around you

I won't let myself be

I wish I was moving

 

So you keep throwing

The same knives

Because you think they still work

You think they still hurt

 

You think it's going to change

But it doesn't

I am still alone

You are still playing house

 

Sigh

Scream

Tantrums get me no where

I have actually learned

 

So I let go

Again

And I cry for a moment

Until

 

Peace from deeper than you and me

Swells up

Let's me be

Tells me, "wait, she just loves you"

 

If not for the relief I feel

I would fight still

But I accept it

Am grateful for it

 

I won't run away

I just have this inside still

I must deal with it

I must change it

 

It is no longer me

So I am learning to let go

I have so much already

I am changing

 

And all the things I put between us

Are disintegrating

And I am feeling lighter

Seeing the truth

 

I wonder

Will all this bring me back to you?

Then I look

And I see

 

You're just there

Inside me

For all my trying

I can't let go

 

For my all dying

Nothing has actually happened

In fact, everything is stronger

Bigger than before

 

 

In spite of our lying

We are more bonded than before

Your just there

Inside me, you are

 

 

And I am inside you

I believe it now

Why you freak out so

Why you act so transparent

 

 

I still have a beat

Inside your heart

You still bring mine to life

It hasn't changed

 

 

And I am not trying to any longer

I am not going to

But I will move forward for just me

I do not sit and wait for you