Goodbye to the person that I love the most in the world

Disclaimer:
(I write this for myself.  I blog this for myself.  I love myself and choose to honor myself, in doing so I also choose the hard road, the one less traveled. As I get most people don't fight for five years to get to a place of acceptance so they can honestly let go of the past.  Most people hate until they forget they ever loved and if it doesn't get buried it gets replaced.  It is the brave thing for me to do, to put it all out there like this.   I do it as it is real and true for me.  Not made up because I have an agenda or because I am hanging on.  It is just real inside me and this is what is being said.  It is what I need to say for my completion. It is only about me, and not about you. If you happen to read this and get any kind of understanding so you may let go of the past on a more profound true level, great, if not, great.  As I truly have no agenda. It took me 5 years to get what the fuck was going on, and now that I have I can see I need to truly let you go as you have asked. I have not been hanging on, just wasn't ready for this till I understood it all.  It is right for me, so those are my reasons.  I hope you don't read anything else into this even though I still love you.  I have not been able, with all my trying, to change that.  This is not about falling out of love, this is about letting go of what was. Thank you and goodbye.)

J,

From the moment I met you, you have driven me to push beyond who I am and into someone else. A person that was only possible before you showed up in my life. I fell immediately in love with you, almost in spite of what I tried to do about it.  I didn't even like you much back then and I was sure you were wrong for me. All the differences we shared were stark and our similarities were either mismatched or exactly perfect, being either the same and great or not compatible as we bumped up against the shared parts of ourselves we didn't like.  I had no idea then, who exactly you would be for me or the depth our love would go.  However, something inside me persisted to keep learning how to love you. 

You were the unlikely choice for me, for the reasons I listed a long with you scared the hell out of me.  Completely and totally scared the fuck out me. In some ways, you still do.  I didn't even get it back then, what the fuck was going on.  After I stopped running from you, I just tried like hell to get out of my shell so I could be with you.  As I knew it, at first deep down, then consciously, that I wanted to give you every part of me, if I had only known how.  I was driven, compelled even to change myself from a hurt and "abused" person into someone worthy of your love.  Trouble was I had no idea how to do it.  It was mostly trial and a whole lot of goddamn fucking  errors.  A long with pushing you away and pulling you close when I was able to have any kind of clarity that came from some kind of bravery I had not even realized I owned, much less knew how to call it forth.  It was the most amazing time for me, to go through it all with you.  Something I will never regret.  It was wonderful to love you and be loved by you, I have never before witnessed first hand such an intense and profound love with someone.  I have never experienced such drive or pull to be with someone.  No one has ever made me want to change myself so that I didn't hurt and push them away anymore.  Until you, I only wanted to push people away. You changed everything, everything.  Everything!

It seemed like walking through hell to complete our 8 year relationship.  We did the impossible together. I know you don't see it that way. But we accomplished a lot more than you can see with your plain eyes, you have to look from your heart. Where we came from in Chicago to where we got to in St Louis is not even in the same country of relationship.  If I didn't get stuck I and at which point it it all went sour, I would have taken us beyond infinity-just how much I love you. But unbeknownst to me, you were gonna take me somewhere I needed to go. Thanks for that.

I still get you don't get it all. But somewhere deep inside I think you do. I think you understand the profoundness of the love we share. This is why you run. I get it. It's why I run. So let's just run. It's ok to run.

I really only wanted you to know that I accept your decision. I have accepted it a long long time ago.  I knew many years ago, you needed to be in another relationship that was not with me.  I accepted it then. Then when it happened it hurt like hell, but I accepted it still, because I knew you couldn't truly see yourself as long as you were just looking at me. Life and reality became too muddled and it isn't easy to separate all of that.  Sometimes the best way to truly view ourselves is by looking through someone new, someone else.  So I am glad you found someone to be with, even though I honestly wanted it to be me.  I still accept it as it is important to me that you get what you need even if it's not with me.

I am headed into new grounds and need to draw a line on who I used to be so I let you go.

Be happy. I hope you truly are.

I accept that I will never see you again. I accept that you are gone for good from my life. I had hoped that it would not be forever till I could at least smile at you. But this is the life I live. Truthfully a mere smile would not suffice. So it's best that we meet next time around.  It's best that I don't see you again.

You are one of the most important people I have ever known.  But this is a grand thing you have done. Forcing us to separate.  It has made me seek deep within me and find out exactly who I am. Without your constant presence in my life, albeit was not a physical presence, I don't think I would be making the miracles I am today.  As I have felt you in one way or another for over the past 5 years.  I still feel you now.

I wish I could thank you. Send it out to the void and you would somehow get the message deep down in your soul where I know you still exist. I know your covered up. I know it's not really your fault.  Everything got too scary and I know I made that worse. I accept my blame and offer an apology for my part.

I wish you the best of luck in your life. It has taken me five years to sort this mess out. To look through the muck and mire of my life and my abuse and pull out bits and pieces of myself to try and make sense. I also pulled out bits and pieces of you and stacked them up till I was able to go through it all and face what I had done.

I guess I have been mostly mad at myself for pushing you too far. I guess it was perfect. Thanks for doing what I needed. I needed the pain of losing you to make me face my abuse. When you broke up with me, I tried to hide from you and I could not find a place inside where you didn't show up. The pain of losing you attached onto my abuse and it swirled together and overwhelmed me. I had no choice but to face it all at once. It was harrowing and if I had been weaker I would not have survived it, it was that hard for me. That is why I freaked out so bad. I could not help it, but still regret my desperate actions. I am so sorry.  

It is also the reason why it has taken me so long as it was not just about you. I dealt with all the pain I was experiencing.  Everything inside had to be looked at, discarded, rearranged or understood.  I actually cried every day for over two years.  I was releasing years of sadness and pain.  As I was left with huge mess from what my granpa did to me.  It wasn't until you walked away that I realized the severity and found courage to change.  In the beginning I changed so that I could be with you.  But shortly after, when I saw true change was possible for me, I spent years taking care of myself, loving myself and changing for me.  Thanks for being a reason when I needed one.

But still, it was what I needed. I needed to be free from it. You freed me. I am so grateful. I truly do love you so much. If I had been so lucky to spend the rest of my life loving you I would think I won the most priceless prize of all. But I fucked it all up. I get it. It's ok.

You're happy now. That is great. I love you enough to let you go. Be happy.

I suppose this is my break up letter, not that we are together. It's more of a break up from the past. I have been gifted with an intense and profound 5 years of getting to know me. And now it's time for me to move on to something else. It's time for me to live. I have done all the prep work I can do. There is just no more to discover. I get you, me and all of it in a way I never thought I would. It has just been walking the constant line with you that has taken me here. A place I am profoundly grateful to be. 

Although it was the only choice for me and before today I was not ready to put myself out there.  I needed selfish time to understand me, something I had never done before.  It is not true that I was waiting for you or anyone, but I was only concerned with dealing with my past and being free from it. As I didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, including you over the past five years.  It may have seemed that I was obsessing about you or hanging on, and that is false.  I was only able to deal with me and did not want to drag anyone into that.  I needed time to myself, as I said.  Now that I can honestly say I am ready, it is a wonderful feeling, a bit scary.

So I don't know how it's going to go. But I love you enough to say it's all ok.
I am really great. Been that way on my own for a while now. I don't need anyone, but do want to try and have a successful relationship now.

I am forever changed.

I only wish it would have come in time for you. But it goes how it goes. So maybe I'll see you next life. Maybe then I can love you the way you deserve and accept your love for me, the way I deserve.  We have been here before you know, maybe one of these lifetimes we'll get it right. :-)

Do yourself a favor and see the beautiful, talented and amazing woman that I see. You are more than meets the eye, a real gem, you just don't get it yet. Really really really get it. Maybe you have learned some things about you, I hope so, but trust me when I say that is just the tip of the iceberg and so much profound greatness lies below what you already know about you.

Oh and your family loves you. Love them freely. 

Enough of my wisdom (mini sermons, lol). Enjoy your life and thanks for everything.  Every small moment, every I love you, every sacrifice you made for me, and all in between that I cannot list as it would be way too long.  Just know I get it.

Me

Die or walk away

This is a monologue that I wrote in 2010, I am now ready to share it. It is something I am memorizing to preform at auditions.
Enjoy
Me



I know I told you that you could talk to me or not. I know I told you I was ok with it. But did you really think that I was telling the truth? Did you really think that I wasn't lying?  That I just didn't say that out of necessity because I had to be okay with it. Okay with not seeing you. Okay with how things are.

You acted like you could just come in and out of my life without paying any tolls. Well if you want passage you have to earn it.  You can't just come in and out anymore, I won't let you.


I should thank you though, as you have shown me that I will never again settle for that cramped little spot in the box your were offering. I want the whole shebang or not at all. And since I am certain you wouldn't dare, give yourself over to me, I choose to never see you again.

Yes, yes, yes, never see you again. You hear me!  Never. Ever.

It's not good for me. It's not good for me to see you knowing I can't see you. It hurts me to see you with her. It's not good for me.  I find myself wishing she were dead.  I find myself hating someone who probably is special in her own right because you picked her.

And for those five minutes that you smile at me taunting me to be honest about how much I love you, how I want to desperately be with you, how there is no other for me ever. And the minute I get real about all that, I have to stand up and force myself to walk away. And my heart is once again torn out of my chest and I am helpless to stop it. So no I don't want to see you. Ever again. No, no, no, no!

 I'd rather die than see you. It feels like dying and I am powerless to stop it.

It is has to be this way. I have to make it ok for me not to see you. You, when I want you so bad.

I can die or just walk away.

Protective Strike 2009 Rewrite

I wrote this poem in 2009, but am using it in a fictional book I am writing. It helps to reveal some of my feelings.  It is a pretend story that I am telling, but using my life as a base.  My feelings and my thoughts.  It is helping me deal with my past abuse and truly letting it go.  Giving me a voice to tell my story about how I was abused and what it cost me by having my grandfather sexually molest me at age 4.  It was a life defining moment for me, that left me crippled emotionally.  It has taken me many years like 30 to be able to deal with it.  I am writing a book about me, so I can give Vivien a abused person, like me at the age of 4, a voice to tell her story.  To share how she had been abused.  To share how her relationships blew up in her face and how no one gets her because she didn't understand love.  Not by choice, but because there was no room to learn it.  Others could never give her/me room to get it as they had too much baggage.  Such is life.  I have learned as I have taken the time to uncover it for myself.  But it was not easy.  So I wanted to re-share this shortened version, I removed all the crap I added when I was hurting.  It is going in my book.  The book about Vivien and me.  It will be awesome.  My hope is that others who have been through what I have been can relate to it to my story.  As there are so many who had been abused.  Sharing this poem about how abused people screw up love and let it slip through their fingers is a part of healing.

Protective Strike
This person you say you are
Is not you
Not by far
This is your protection

And if you didn't desperately want to be with me
And didn't love me that much
You would not have the protection up
You are scared

Afraid of loving
Afraid of being loved
Hurt and pain you get how to do
But letting me be who I am for you is way too scary

You can't just let us be
And I know I couldn't either
Always on the precipice of letting go
But I am changing

As your protection wouldn't be so in my face
If it weren't that way
And that is the real truth
You picked your fear over me

I know the pain you suffer
I know the fear too
Your grandfather hurt you
And you are too afraid now

I get it
I got hurt too
So many times hurt
At sometimes even by you

I know I hurt you too
I know you think it’s all we share
But it’s not
It’s just what is in front

Others don't see you
But I do
And I know this mean horrible person is not you
You do not have me fooled

The lies you constantly spin
The anger and rage you protrude
Seething with emotional discourse
Are so hurting you

I guess you don’t care
It feels more controllable 
Than letting yourself be truly loved
True love doesn't work right?

Everyone else in your life
Believe you are this deadened version
But only because they don't know you
And don't know how to wake you up

It is not fun
But be assured
It will not end
Until you put it an end

Look around you
Look in your apartment
I bet it is trashed
And has been since you got rid if that girl you didn't like

She wasn't me
And that was all you needed
To show her the door
And let another one in

I felt my flesh burn
When you touched her
And in my emotional cry
Did you feel me reach out to you?

(A funny Joke that came my way)
And I bet people on the street say
"Nobody goes in, Nobody comes out!"
She sent her soul mate away
And nobody has seen her since

She boarded up her heart and her life
And now she appears to be gone
But she is still there
She is just hiding

A spin off of Willy Wonka
But I think it fits
As so many times in your life
You have secluded yourself

I guess you think you are truly awful
And as Norma told me just this night
People who have been abused might do awful things
But it does not make them awful

And if you think you can show me
By getting a million girlfriends
I have already been told
As you want everyone to think
You fuck anything that moves

But I know the truth
I feel it
Your life will pass you by
While you sit alone
And wait to die

Unless you prove me wrong
By admitting you were wrong
Or you could just get a steady girlfriend

That would show me, ha!

Room to breathe

Days
Nights
Not so fulfilling
Yet

Crazy
Full
Busy
Running after my own head

Not too much to spare
To notice what's missing
Not even extra to make
For lasting companionship

It's a moment here
One there
Glad she's as busy as I
Otherwise I would be in trouble

But I didn't come here
To rhyme of her
Or to complain
About life

I am merely saying
Life goes on
I have a future
One that I can create

As I have taken my power back
I have let it all go
Been freed from it all
Life will now work it's self out

I guess a major shift
Has taken place
One that leaves me
Back in the drivers seat

I stopped waiting
For life to come to me
I am ready to go out
On my own or not

Honestly
I just needed time
To be on my own
Take care of my needs

Long years
I spent living for others
Helping them with their dreams
Mine were all left behind

I didn't go after my own desires
I thought it was a waste
Useless and all for not
I focused on everyone else

So when my life opened up
Like huge gates to be parted

Giving my cramped world

Room to breathe

It was in that stillness 

I became focused on me

Finally able to see myself 

Through all the pain of yesterday

I didn't waste a bit
Getting to know myself
I followed my heart
It showed me exactly who I am

Full of creativity
Of all kinds
I am learning how to balance it all
Keeping only one foot on the ground

I see that things will uncover themselves
And all that life will bring
Happiness is inside that
Showing me how to be

Although I am centered still about me
I am learning to take a moment
Here or there
For others company

While I am still
Hyper focused on myself
I am also looking forward now
To who's right in front of me

Trying out a new life
Hoping to make better choices
This time around 
I won't be guarded or afraid

Keeping other's close
No more pushing away
Letting other's in
Even letting them stay

I am not worried for what's to come
I have mourned my past
Dealt with all of that
Not looking back

I am not trying to pursue an outcome
Or make anything clear
It will happen all in good time
I am merely allowing what is

Instead of wanting
Instead of hoping
Instead of pushing
Instead of pulling

I am letting things be
As I still have a long way to go
I have a lot to learn
Life still has it's mysteries

Ones that leave me bewildered at times
Things I still don't believe in or buy
People can still be rotten and disappointing
And nothing may yet come that I truly desire

But it doesn't matter today
It isn't cause for tomorrow
It will work its own way
It will work out for me

And when it does
I won't have put it all on the table
I won't have hidden deep inside 
I won't have forced a life to be mine

I won't have danced till I fell
I won't have given it my all
I only would have done
Exactly what I needed to do

Exactly what was called for
So that I could make true 
Everything I dream

As this is now most important to me

I am not afraid to 

Gift myself 

Letting it all hang out 
In the end I'll do it all

But for now
Today is calling for me
To keep going
Try and make life my own

It is what is expected of me
It is exactly what I need
Monotonous at times
But full of mystery too

Things come when they are able
When I am capable of seeing them
It will all work out right 

Not much to do until then

Planning  
Crying
Living
Laughing

Life is good
I am seeing that
So I'll put aside 
What I know had to be

All the plans I was making
And I'll allow what's next 
For my eyes to see
As I am not trying to force anything 

Just letting all be
Unfold in my life
Giving what's to come
Room to breathe

Transcended Daze

So I hooked up with somebody
I moved on

I found happiness in a pretty girl's arms
It was wonderful

She's beautiful
Alluring
Captivating
Passionate

It was satisfying
Complete
Interesting
Hopeful

I gave everything I had
I left it all on the field
I yearned to be touched
I yearned for her love

I didn't hold back
Never second guessing myself
I didn't think of you
More than twice

Two unexpected
Unwanting times
You appeared before me

Beside her

I let it go
Let you go
Got back to the business at hand

Unleashed myself

Laying there in her arms
I realized a few things
Things I already knew
Things I didn't want to be true

I let it be
Enjoyed her company
Let it be
Let it be

I saw the truth

Hidden deep between she and me 

Right in the middle of the sheets

I saw what was right
And what wasn't

It was everything it could've been
It was everything it wasn't
It was everything I didn't want it to be
It was everything but you

It was incomplete
Frustrating
Empty
Meaningless

Only half way to as far 

As I was willing to go

It was only a scratch on the surface

Of all the passion bubbling up below

I couldn't let it all out

It was trapped

Love was the key

And I don't have it

I feel like I'm transcended
Like I'm dazed
Like I'm completely head over heels in love

With nobody new

Something I think you know

My transcended daze
Keeps me often in a dream like gaze
Floating around still deeply in love with you

The past ain't over over till it's over
But the future seems clearer now
I am moving forward
Getting on with my life

And yet something inside still persist
Something I thought was gone
Some thing I tried to break

But it won't go away . . . .

What to do?
What to do now?
Let it be
No. Yes.

It has to be
So I'll put you aside
As you asked me too
I'll give all myself to her

I'll pretend
I'll cope
I make my feelings secret
Even to me

Bury them underneath
Rotten and ugly things
Still at the bottom 
Of all that is not me

And I'll lie
Just like you
As if I can't have you
I suppose she'll do

Not the most romantic suggestion
Or even offering
That I could bestow
And pursue

But I am caught between
What is right for me
What's real
And how I truly fucking feel

I am caught between that
And this alternate universe
The one you created
When you chose to ignore

Ignore who we are to each other
How you really fucking feel
And what's truly between us
That even your lies can't break

So I have to pretend too
I didn't want to
But hey I have needs
I want things

I am amazing
Beautiful, Incredibly!
I have so much to offer
And NOW I am ready

So I guess I'll just hope
That forcing myself to get over you
Is the right choice
I mean it seems to have worked for you!

I will love her, eventually
It will never be the smack in the face
Like the one that happened
The first day I met you

It won't call me out
Or make me desire it
It might get boring
As it lacks that dramatic flare

But that's ok
I guess
I mean what choice do I have
I truly love you enough to let you go

And you have chosen, so there
It's happened
Please be happy
I am going to try too

She loves San Fran and LA
I can see us moving in a dream that might come true
When I am done with school
She likes the bass and I like it too

She's a Sag
Still fiery
Not as loud
But I am loud enough for both of us

2 out of 3
Isn't that how it goes
Life doesn't give you what you really want
It always falls short

I am supposed to be falling for her
But yet you always appear
I am feeling you
With every touch she gives

I guess it feels all right
Not quite the same
I wanted to wait till I was completely over you
But I don't think that's ever gonna happen

So I have to do what I have to do
Being single in this day and age
Is the same damn thing as being a stalker
Lol, but it's true

So as far as the world knows
I am over you
Good for me
I deserve it

She's all right
Pretty
I guess I can hang
She's in school for film production

Her true passion
Consequently, movies are also one of mine
I think we could make a great pair
All in good time

I like that, along with her green hair streaks 
But it's ok to not get it all
Life goes on
And so do I

I guess I'm just telling myself
The real truth
As I still know
Even though I can't really be honest

Many reasons
Life is complicated
But I think I have a future
Just a ways up ahead

Eventhough I don't expect to get rid of you
I guess maybe I'm still connected
You never seem to leave
Only closer and closer you become

I mean you're here
You're not going anywhere
And hey
I'm used to it

Foolish Love

Interactive love

Admiration truth

I miss it

Don't get it

So walled up around you

I don't remember the sting

Of love -  you

Loving you

I don't feel my heart beat

I can't let it be

I tried for a while

On and off for years

But now

My brother died

You didn't stir

So I give up

I can't expect you to ever care

I really am a fool

Why do you affect me so?

I mustn't let it!

Letting go

Again?

I swear I try every day

I haven't given up yet

Is this still the problem?

My refusal to let it be

Let you be

Let me be

I don't know

I wish I could run away

Like my favorite heroine

She got to leave

But no not me

I have to pretend

You didn't move closer to me

That you aren't out there

Around the corner

Never in sight

Never there

Except always in my mind

I am reevaluating everything

It seems I have been beat

But I don't mind

I never expected you to come through

You never have

Why would you start now?

Reach past your fear?

Be who you are?

I try to forget

How it feels to love you

I try and remain anonymous in my own life

I try and pretend anything else

It never works

You haunt me

Between every space in my mind

You appear

It forces me to see it

It forces me to change

It makes me admit it

Against my own desire or fear

I suppose gratitude is the desired emotional response

I am however still afraid

Afraid to love you

Or be loved by you

But no matter how deep I go

No matter how fast I run

You spring up from the ground

Keeping in step with me

I have out run you

I have made you go away

But you only reappear 

Every time any song gets played

The songs echo in my mind

And you flash back for a time

When things were great

You were strong

I have tried to end it all

Between you and me

But yet you persist

Strongly and budgingly inside me

It makes me realize

There's more to tell

As if it were done

I would not revisit this or be trapped inside

So then I come to a new place

A place where I am stronger

A place where I can handle it

Handle you

It all pushes me

To see it differently

So instead of giving up

I change

Letting go of my wounded state

Trying to bring forth

What's to come

And me

Without the pain

Distant and dull

But yet still aching

In between the absence of you, space and time

Time has past

At last I am more different

The most different I have been

Maybe almost healed

Or close

Close enough to want my life back

Or at least what's coming

Nothing I can see clearly yet

But my dear

I would have to admit

That you are a fool

As much as I am

As if you would have been patient

And waited with hope in your heart

Even away from me still

You would know what I do

That you would get

Everything you always wanted

As the place I'm in

Is much better for me to give

I get why you shut me out

I see clearly in all of that now

I understand it

As I am living it too

The kind of love we share

Is by far the hardest

It's the most scary kind

The kind you run from

It's the most intense

The most fulfilling

The most patient

The most accepting

It doesn't need us to change

It's only desire is we bring out our inner most truth

Be who we really are

As for it to truly work we must be

It doesn't work with lies or games

It doesn't work if we pretend

That we don't want each other

And this has always been our problem

As for me, hurting so very much
From all that happened to little me
I was never able to unleash
The intense passion I have for you

And you, hurting but healing
You were always afraid
That you would break me
So you constantly held back

Probably the cause of most of it
I think somewhere you decided
I didn't really love you
But I do

As this kind of love is just too consuming

Soul aching

Life fulfilling

Right to the center point love

There's no escaping it

Or changing it

Or getting rid of it

Only learning to let it be

It's the worst kind

And the best

When we are honest and loving

It's all you could hope for

When we play games

Lie

Pretend

Or put up walls

It doesn't work

It shuts us out

It fails

It sucks-big time

It's only when we are

At our best-full self

Complete in our own self

Bringing everything good in

Only then does it really shine

That I remember

That I know was real

It still is

It's harder than other kinds of love

As it requires full honesty and authentication

To work and then it does

It runs rings around other kinds of love

The kind whose so easy to forget

Or the kind that lets you be what you are not

The kind that doesn't require authenticity

And lets you sail over life and love

Our love is the hardest

It takes the most to make it work

Cause the bullshit doesn't fly

When hurting people only have lies

It's amazing and fulfilling too

If one can learn to just be

Why is that so hard

For you and me? 

This scary intense love

Makes me afraid too

I run from it

From you

How I really feel about you

I run everyday

Trying to get away

Move anywhere you aren't

Leave-oh please!

Because I never wanted

Anyone like I want you

I never felt totally complete

Like when you are near

I've also never been

So haunted

So hurt

So confused

So broken hearted

So afraid

It's too much

I try and make my life over

Try and remove you

But it doesn't work

I only forget to breath

I forget to have feelings

I don't remember life

I disappear my self

To remain anonymous to love

It's not perfect

In fact it truly sucks

But it gets me by

I even pretend

Oh I've gotten better at that!

That it's what I want!

That I am better off!

But honestly

If it were true

You would disappear for real

Instead you linger

Why?

Why do remain?

What is your part in all of this?

I assume you also pretend

I think you're better at it then me

Laugh

Always were

I remember

The way your fear sent me away a thousand times

Oh those were the days

Young and foolish

Chuckle

Life!

You fall into a deep pit

Of absolutely perfect love

Encompassing and surrounding

It asks for nothing more than gratitude

And to let it be 

And all you can do is claw each others eyes out!

Smile and Laugh

Fight and run away

Still running

It's been over 12 years now

We still act like we are in our 20's

Smile

It's ok

I needed time

A lot of it

To see me

In that time

I saw you

It's ok

I am not afraid like before

I just realize

I wouldn't love you

Unless you also loved me too

So it's ok

I have dealt with stuff

Working hard to keep it up

Recreating my life

Putting all the pieces right

The sharp memory of you persists though

The love I feel abounds still

The ache and haunting you bring

Keeps my eyes open

I guess I'm learning to be grateful

As if it were over

-like you pretend-

It would be over

After five years

This I know

I could never sustain this kind of love

All on my own

It has to be intertwined with you

But hey I won't share your secret

I also won't come for you

You are safe

From this scary awesome love

You constantly flee

I am enough for me

And hey your still with me

So just let it be known

I know

You know

I am not playing the game anymore

You can however

Do as you please

Keep running

Please!

I think it's good for you

To try and ground yourself

In the ground

I think it's great

Still trying to remove me

Still pretending you love her

Grey covered skies

Grey covered life

Blah is all that is

Not enough

But you know that

And don't care

Ok it makes me giggle

I have to admit

Cause I am right!

We both know it!

Smile :-)