Sifting
Like ashes in a fire
Smoldering
White and blue
Unlike red flames
It's hotter than
It used to be
But still don't notice
Crackling (like a fire)
It makes its self known
It doesn't ask for attention
It also doesn't hide
It used to be
Quiet and hidden
Like a swinging door
Far away
It was understood
But able to be smothered
Pushed and pulled
Back and forth
It didn't have a say
It just was
Obvious
Confusing
A contradiction
Like both sides
Up and down
Left and right
I always felt
Somewhere lost in the middle
Wanting
Hoping for a change
Running
Hiding
From what was real
True
Keeping myself
Distracted
Amused
Fed up
Consumed
I didn't have the courage
Then and maybe not now
I can't find my feet
Squarely on the path
I never could
It's why I run away
Even though I didn't want to
I still don't
It's not secure
All so up in the air
It feels so unwanted
Thrilling
I am terrified
It's not like a book
Open
Shut
Readable
Clear
Words on a page
Words in my mind
It doesn't spell out success
It means more turmoil
Rejection
Anxiety
Facing dead on
Directly what I want
What's inside
The truth behind the lies
Getting serious about it
Who I am
What's to come
What's for me
I wish it had a bell
I could ring
To call it near
Bring it here
Cut out the middle man
Me
My fears
My mind
Make it all go away
Like a town
Under water
Frozen
Slain
Quiet
No drama
No playing
It's not like I expect anything
Or even have the will to hope
Fearful
Not fearless
Means I am
On the right track
And now I have to
Look back
At what's always been there
What I wanted so long ago
And I have to allow myself to have it
Let my reality change
And get what I was supposed to
What I threw away
It was wrong of me
To expect it
To think it would all just
Go away
Like clouds drying up
The rain is done
But it's not
I just have been
Under an umbrella
Unable to see it
Or notice
Truth
Life
How I never wanted it to
What I wish has been there
Deep inside its been clear
I just didn't have hope before
For myself
So I held back
Keep myself to myself
It has gotten me nowhere
I can't leave this place
I stay
Sit
Wait
Dream
I keep on
Shielding myself
From internal screams
Unable to face it
I have ran out of road
Trying to go the opposite way
Always a dead end before me
But I just kept on and on
Fucking crashing
Into the walls ahead
But they never give way
They persist too
I can't break them
Even though I try
It changes nothing
Stronghold unbreakable
Only the ones inside
Come apart
And something else
Comes alive
Thinking
Hoping
Willing
Moping
Depressed I often feel
When I am going the wrong way
I am forcing an outcome
That isn't right
But I do turn back
Knowing my mistake
It doesn't keep me from trying
To get around another way
Like an old memory
Repeat the same things
It's so engrained now
Like a man made lake
But it's time
Time to go
Time to be
Time to shine
Time for me
Changing lanes
Not going that way again
But how do I move past it?
It's not yet clear
It won't be
So I will take it slowly
Something creeps
I won't second guess myself
Or turn and flee
Just step by step
My true life awaits
I know I'll find a way
Even though I cannot yet see
It makes sense
To do this now
I am finally strong enough
It took forever and a day
For me to be ok with myself
Be open to who I am
I feel like there is
So much more for me
Like limiting yourself to playing in just a bucket
When you have the whole beach
I'll take that step
A little lean
And hopefully it will be
What the new life I need
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