Standing Still

It's not that I am waiting 

For things to finally change 

It's that it still creeps 

Inside the crevices I used to call home 

I don't exist in spite 

I bend and face the will inside 

I don't let go

Only because it's still alive 

Thinking it all for not

Unsure of what is actually real 

How do you tell 

A ghost from a dream 

How do you live with the incomplete 

Like part of you still breathes 

But not in anyway satisfying 

Like it didn't actually happen 

Like it was all meant for something 

More than you actually are 

Something big and grand

But you forget all of that 

As you convince yourself 

You're so much better off than

You weren't living before 

Now you can have it all

It's ripe 

Yours for the taking 

Like handed down from another life 

Given and gotten 

But it's not for free 

You have to release 

What ails you to stay

You have to complete 

Wrap it up

Like it wasn't real

Make yourself steal the lie

So you can survive it 

It's not actually too late 

It all completes something 

But won't be exhumed

It's meant to stay buried

It might seem 

Like bringing up

Facing it head on

Will make it better

But it's just a mirage

One that's easily side stepped

To move along

Not keeping you down 

Confusing as it is 

It's only a step to take 

Something towards life 

Forgetting all that other stuff 

Anything that meant anyone 

I understand 

What it is I have to do

And I am grateful I know where to start 

It's not about them 

Or them 

Or me even 

It's about where I am supposed to be 

Headed there now 

Even though I carry it all

Letting it go 

Changes nothing

Naked 

Stripped of all my excuses 

Life has been chewing on me too damn long

I have ignorantly let it be 

I don't ignore me now 

I don't even fix me now 

I let me be 

As it will all right its self

Like there was nothing do to anyhow 

So don't feel pity

Or fear 

Or complacency 

It's already been walked 

And towed 

And carried 

And known

It actually changes 

Not what I want 

But it will change 

Everything else it's supposed to

And that will be enough 

As the little part of me 

That often speaks 

The absolute truth 

Still is persistent in the telling 

Still makes me turn and face what is 

Strong enough to see it now 

And still tow what's left behind 

Life is not just mere moments 

Or some other cliché 

It's all of it 

Encompassing and fulfilling 

But it's not often clear 

But it doesn't have to be

And running away or towards 

Is often running standing still

April 21, 2016 1:15-1:27 pm at Judy's