Veriest Life

If I want my life to happen

I have to let it
I am the Queen
Of ripping my own heart out
 

Whenever I get close

I always push far away
So others think
It's what they want
 

But I hold all the cards

I am in control
At least of myself
And the life around me

Sometimes, I need to let it be

Let it be
Let it be
Letting it be is hard for me

I see the point

The reason for it all
Pushing me further
Keeping me sane

I get the deeper meaning

And the profound reasons
Life is not just a moment
It is as series of them
 

With all the life lived

The good inside
Makes you stronger
It keeps you on the right path
 

Trying to change

I get what I am to do
Or at least supposed to
It carries me through
 

Keeping my pace

Quick and purposeful
I don’t question
It all anymore

 

But executing it
Really making it shine
Seems harder for sure
As am I really sublime

 

Just pretending at times

With the veriest kind
Life that has gone awry
By my deed seldom dry
 

It is for certain with this fantasy

That I live only for me
But I am not to be honest
As things don't change

Simply catastrophe
Was all a ruse
People run from what they don't get
And I am left to crawl inside

 

Inside where it is safe

I think
And I don't have to deal
But others are left to feel the unreal
 

A perfect situation

One where I can coincide
All that I am afraid of
In living my life
 

I need to let it go

Let it go
Let it go
Must be something I can learn
 

As something deep inside

Beckons me forth
Keeping me alive
Pushing me towards

To the unknown life

In a real and different space
Exciting possibly
Exactly what I want
 

If only I could
Choose it and let it be
Let it go
Have the courage to see

 

What’s right in front of me
Will become more than just a dream
It will in time
Come to me

No More Walls

I give up
Take it all
Take down all of my walls
So I am one with the ground

Exposed
Letting the filtering go
Keeping my thoughts simple
And focused on me

Letting people in
Seeing them
And who they are for me
Knowing myself more

Letting all that shit be
Be inside me
Even if I don't want it
Letting it be anyway

Confusing at times
It still all is
I want so much
And have so much to give

Letting myself know it
Believe it's possible
Letting it all be seen
Out and free

Letting go of what I used to be
Not looking back
Forward in my thinking
Seeing through the haze

Streaming and constant
Trying to keep me guessing
Uncertain and without
Lonely and ignoring

If I could truly see myself
For whom I am
I would first discover
How silly walls were

I am too powerful
Too protected
Engaged in life
Making a difference

Walls are just the formality
I hide behind
Because only then
I can look away

I don't have to see
I don't have to be
Seeing is being
Believing and freeing

Confusion is much better
For all that I hide
It gives me the means to cope
With the bad things in life

And if I dare to look deeply
I swear I will see what I already know
And what I want too
It ain't so bad then

What am I running from?
I can't cry for what I want
Then cry because it's coming
Already on it's way

At one point
I need to stop
Be happy
And accept it

Just how do I?
I am trying to figure it out
How can I?
I think I know

But have never done it before
So my belief is weak
I need to let go
And learn to let myself be

　

　

Squeezed

I would not have felt so squeezed

If it were not true

So compelled

Magnitized to you


I would not have wanted you

Just because I was near

I would be able to let go

And truly move on


As it's not all I know

Just what is true

I am lost without you

But you are close


As far as I can run

You just always reappear

Never gaining ground

Or losing you


If I go this way

Or that way

You are always

Around the next corner


And I am filled with fear

That you're never coming back

As that's what you said

Even though I know you tell lies


It makes it hard for me to fight

For anything

For you

Or for me


And I have been so without

Struggling to understand

Fighting to keep going

Wanting to give up


Gaining peace and knowledge

Learning things

About you

And about me


Things I always wanted

To know

To understand

It's all starting to make sense


Coming in clear

Decidedly so close

I can almost reach out

Almost touch it


I want to

I haven't stopped wanting to

I just am unable

But yet I persist


You're always there

I have never felt your absence leave

I have only felt you

Next to me


I have been squeezed

Into you and me

To see the truth

To let it be


As it is

Instead of what

I want it to be

Am afraid that it won't be


So squeezed

To just admit

How I still feel

In love with you


Squeezed for years

It never going away

Not even changing

Even if I push fucking hard


Many years it seems

I have tried to make it leave

Make you just fucking leave

But yet I am still squeezed


To just be

Let you be

Be inside me

Where you belong


Still I can't imagine

What that would look like

So I continue

Fight against letting it be


I try and remove it from me

I don't want it

If it means

Never having you for real


So I struggle with it all

Keeping things into perspective

Hoping it will change

Like I wanted for so long


But it hasn't yet

So I come in

I go out

Filled with so many doubts


Not ever knowing

My next move

How it will go

Maybe I am making it all up


Since I can't

Make you leave

Change what's true inside

Bring another into me


I have to let it be

Understand I am all for me

I am what I really actually need

Not anyone else


But since you are there

I also need to admit

You are here for a reason

And in time I will see


The point

The answers to unfulfilled questions

The truth

Beyond a shadow of doubt


Until then

I have to be

Live my life

Just for me


Things will change

In the time they need

And unless I see different

I'll go on being squeezed
　

Meta Making Me

I am changing again

Becoming less apart of this world

And more and more

Who I really am

 

I am not so concerned

With the small things

Or things bodily bound

I look up more instead of just around

 

I keep my eyes  focused on what's right

Although I still question things I can't see

Trying to remember

My eyes will always deceive

 

I am changing again

I am not apart of the crowd

And I am not supposed to be

I am only me

 

I don't need to belong

People don't notice anyhow

As long as you act the part

They don't even see

 

Often not even looking past their own nose

Their only concern

Is only them

Everything else merely a dream

 

It's the ugly side of humanity

The one I don't like to see

As if I really cared

I'd be in trouble

 

Why is it so hard

For people to go against the crowd

Everyone's afraid to be different

Afraid to stand out

 

Then when someone does stand out

They get in trouble

Ostrisized

Taken out

 

I know what's expected of me

People make it known

I put on my mask

Even if it's not my own

 

I let so much hurt me

So much get in my way

I let it linger for too long

It wouldn't go away

 

It has been shown to me

I have the true power

If I let it be

Let it be

 

It's always been there

Deep inside me

Working in my favor

Even though I didn't know it

 

If I only see what they see

Focus on what's wrong

Not seeing love through the faces

Beauty in my life

 

Like leaves on a branch

That can't be seen

Cause the tress blend into one

Making everything appear to be

 

Looking so far away

Like at a picture

You can't begin to understand

It looks one way but is really another

 

I see the crowd

How it looks

And I let it consume me

For a moment

 

And I think I am better than them

I am learning how to fly my own kite

Even if my life is still scary

I can do it

 

I have the power to make miracles

And I shuck it to look good

Or let my fears win

Or tempt fate

 

Pointless it is

It seems like the hardest thing

To just go with the flow

Learning its not me anyhow

 

I always have to interrupt it

Make it stop

Like I will be better off

Or saved

 

But inside the moment

Is something special for me

Truth that I can use

To make miracles be

 

Like a fast moving river

Life is pushing me down

Cutting into my life

Making things right

 

When I turn and hide

Or stop the flow

I only stop me

From becoming all that I am

 

Great things are up ahead

For this I know

I just have to let my fears go

And live my life

 

The awesome part is

I can do it all and never leave my seat

I don't have to chase life

It will chase me

 

I know how to handle the storm

I can sail my ship through anything

I have learned how to rely on me

I have found a way to let the last be

 

I know my best life is waiting for me

To uncover all of me

I know it's just around the corner

Bidding its time

 

Waiting for me to see

Waiting for me get it

At the right time

It will approach me

 

In step with who I am

Walking as one

Me now

Me before

Me then

 

I will make it all be

I am no longer willing

To let it go

I am going to fight

 

Make it all as I know it can be

This is my life

It is my destiny

I will not run anymore

 

All the doors will be opened

In the right time

When I need

Until then I need to let it be

 

Right now

I only need to focus on

Changing me

Seeing me

 

Letting me be

As I truly am

Deep inside

Everything is already right

 

The path laid before my feet

Is right for me

I know I wouldn't be headed here

Unless it was right

 

I want to be here

It is a gift

I accept that

I am grateful

 

My life is built best for me

I am the only one

Who had been in my way

Ever have

 

And the more I change

The closer I get

To all I am

To being here

 

Free to enjoy life

The right one for me

Without all the past

Bringing me down

 

What I have learned

Is worth the whole ride

And what's next

Is worth my life

She's Just There

I see you still

See you here

Inside of me

Never leaving

 

You're just there

I accept that

It's not me

It might be you

 

I don't hang on

Because I want to

Because I need to

Because I have to

 

I have let you go

I have made peace with you

Peace with out you

Inside me still, you are

 

I don't beckon you forth

I don't circle you

Trying to get you back

Hoping you will let me in

 

I am just here

Living

Hoping

Seeing

 

You are here

You never left

You love me still

It hasn't changed

 

I often wonder

Do you still write?

Or sing?

Or play?

 

I come across by accident

News of your upcoming show

It upsets me

I don't want to know

 

It upsets me

Because I would do almost anything

Dress in drag

Cut my hair

 

Just to hear you sing

The songs about me

The ones I know you avoid

Except for "Have to"

 

So I try and again make peace

Peace with you unbudging inside me

Peace with me not seeing you now

Peace or death

 

It feels like dying

Every time I hear about you

Every time you throw those same knives

You don't have any more

 

I don't do anything

I am not around you

I won't let myself be

I wish I was moving

 

So you keep throwing

The same knives

Because you think they still work

You think they still hurt

 

You think it's going to change

But it doesn't

I am still alone

You are still playing house

 

Sigh

Scream

Tantrums get me no where

I have actually learned

 

So I let go

Again

And I cry for a moment

Until

 

Peace from deeper than you and me

Swells up

Let's me be

Tells me, "wait, she just loves you"

 

If not for the relief I feel

I would fight still

But I accept it

Am grateful for it

 

I won't run away

I just have this inside still

I must deal with it

I must change it

 

It is no longer me

So I am learning to let go

I have so much already

I am changing

 

And all the things I put between us

Are disintegrating

And I am feeling lighter

Seeing the truth

 

I wonder

Will all this bring me back to you?

Then I look

And I see

 

You're just there

Inside me

For all my trying

I can't let go

 

For my all dying

Nothing has actually happened

In fact, everything is stronger

Bigger than before

 

 

In spite of our lying

We are more bonded than before

Your just there

Inside me, you are

 

 

And I am inside you

I believe it now

Why you freak out so

Why you act so transparent

 

 

I still have a beat

Inside your heart

You still bring mine to life

It hasn't changed

 

 

And I am not trying to any longer

I am not going to

But I will move forward for just me

I do not sit and wait for you