Violent Love

Lay down 

Next to me 

I feel your warmth 

Your body close

I see my heart 

Thumping 

I see my life 

Up and down 

As it's supposed to go

My head sings

Of the violent love we share

It's so good for me

It wakes me  

From the deepest slumber

I didn't want to leave

Fought hard against it

I needed someone 

To fight passionately for me

As I wasn't going 

To be easy

It wasn't supposed to 

It never is

We all want easy

Easy is boring

Easy is work

Commute

Sit

Type

Easy is soul diffusing 

It's easy to forget 

Who you really are

What you really want 

I don't ever forget 

I just make myself 

Look away

And stay

Like he made me learn

I was just too young 

To understand why 

Or understand it

Or change it

Or stop the monster inside

To afraid to love 

Or be touched 

It's confusing 

Hard

And one only wants life to stop

So it can be easy 

Easy that I won't have to deal 

Or feel

Or live

But it's not real

I never wanted easy

I wanted soul crushing

Heart ripping

Passionately slapped 

It's all been a big bore since 

But I tell myself it's what I need now

I believe it

Keep going 

Maybe soon 

I might let someone in

Someone I don't know

It sounds so much work 

I just don't want

To always be alone

Even though I'm not

Not really 

I lay down

You're already there 

You snuggle up next to me

I feel your heartbeat 

I count my heart beats

I know I am where I need to be

I see it's all so confusing 

As I am alive 

You lean in

Kiss my ear

I flinch 

It tickles

It's not real

You vanish 

Once I point it out

It doesn't matter

I am fine

I don't need anyone 

As when I do

It only occurs in my head

And I realize 

I have nothing to give 

Nothing to say

On any matter

I haven't really lived 

Not enough to get it

The intimacies

Between two 

Still scare me

Makes me flee inside 

Still believing the lies 

I don't get it

I have tried

But it's too hard for me

I wanted to understand 

I wanted to be apart

It's an awful feeling 

To look through a window 

And not being able to do

Anything you want to do

It's how I am

My eyes are like steel bars 

Barriers I can't deal

I don't feel 

I needed violent passion

But I also needed tenderness and pleasure

I just couldn't let it in

Or admit I wanted it

A good fight 

Is good for the soul

Facing hard truths

Are good for the body

Someone forcing you 

Against all desire 

Is often necessary 

As sleeping is too tempting 

To just sleep 

And be 

Alone

Is mostly what I want

I have to remind myself 

And fight to remember 

Who I am 

And what I am after

And I give up

So someone reminds me 

I remember 

Ah yes, I did want that 

It's too hard

I am sure I'll never arrive

As life is too full 

Of unwanted things

They suck up 

The whole damn thing

I wish it weren't that way

I wish I could change it

It feels confining and suffocating 

Will it always be?

Will the truly beautiful stuff 

Always be out of reach?

August 21, 2016 1:50 am

Finished August 22, 2016 2:08 am

37

Untouched and Silent

I regret still

Throwing you away

You were once mine

Weren't you?

But now you belong 

To someone else 

I am so very glad you're settled

As you always wanted

I have remedied

My desire

I no longer want to settle 

Here or anywhere 

I want to remain free

Always 

I still haven't seen 

It's worth it

So really how I am supposed to know?

It's too complicated 

Life

And mine is too consuming

On purpose 

It's a great excuse 

But still I am empty

Life doesn't fill me up

I dream of flooding

And great big whales

Stuck in pools

And snow ends the water

Does it all mean

Things about me?

Heavily burdened I am?!

Emotionally cold?!

Powerful

Overwhelming 

Emotions 

Right

Well it's not like 

I can be honest

I mean where 

Does it get me?

I try sometimes 

But eventually I have to look away

Too much is wrong

And out of place 

Ok, here it goes again 

I want to move out west

Act

Love life

I know this 

Seeing it hasn't changed it

I am still stuck 

Inside this prism

And while I should want

To be with someone 

I don't 

Not really 

I can't get over

The pain of the past

How it all doesn't last

And I always end up alone 

I am sick of it never being me 

I deserve more

I don't get it

I only get heartache and suffering 

Don't think I don't get 

How it actually went down

I have fuzzy 

Embarrassing memories 

But it doesn't change 

Reality 

As when you are unconscious 

You're still accountable

I can't blame it on anyone 

That I pushed you so far away 

It's on me

I just never actually thought you'd leave 

But I am glad 

You have what you want

And I don't ever want 

To lose myself in someone again 

Never going to lose control again 

I will remain upright

Untouched 

And silent 

And maybe find someone 

Who can deal with that 

It's a hard harsh life

But I have a purpose 

August 15, 2016

2:04 am

Spiraling Unknown

Sexually numb

But your insides blaze

A fire you try and ignore 

Saving your grace for kinder days 

Not really lonely

Just alone 

Better this way

You tell yourself 

And you remember it's not

Happening right now 

And in the past 

It always ended really badly 

Trying to see through the black

Into something worth fighting for

Doesn't make it easy 

To keep looking 

Knowing your justified in your causality 

As someone has to protect your heart 

Someone has to guard the fences 

March the perimeter 

Walls are standing for a reason 

Too many have taken off 

With valuables of the land

Too many have ignored 

And that time has come to an end

No more empty promises 

No more of what will be 

It's a mirage of nothing

So for the walls to come down again 

It would take a mighty soul

To see beyond them 

That is mostly what is required 

Although people are too lazy

And too concerned with themselves 

So the gold and jewels beyond the border 

Are safe from all intruders 

Sighing keeps it securely in place 

It doesn't want to found 

It doesn't need to held

It doesn't need to be loved 

And it's ok

As its so much better than 

Fighting others for the sake of it all

Love is just not worth it 

No one has ever said different 

And what can be said

Is not enough to go on 

Or trust 

Engaging a lie 

To win a life 

To complete a supposed tale 

That's just pretend anyhow 

I am better just like this 

People don't understand 

They think something's wrong 

But I remember 

All of them 

In their imperfect darkness

Their rotten lies and withholdings 

Always saying how I wasn't the one 

I don't need to hear it 

I don't need to be it

I don't need to find anyone 

Or be anyone 

I am going to change

All of this shit 

And when I do 

It will be me who shines 

Not them and me

Just me

It's enough 

It has been 

I won't search for someone who is like me 

Compliments me

Attracts me

Intrigues me 

Fascinates me

Thrills me

Turns me on

And complicates my life 

I shuck it to the side 

And step forward 

Not caring anymore what I leave behind 

Or what that means either 

It's all about me 

And that has become enough 

Sigh

Closes the door 

I like it that way 

It's easier 

And I still have all of them

Who stir the ashes

Igniting the slowly dying embers

So they never completely go out

And remind me to keep moving

Even if I don't want to

Instead of a personal tale 

I let strangers do it

They push and prod my buttons 

They get the rise I need 

They are safe behind their plastic screens 

They let me feel and see

But it's safe 

It's right and ok

I don't have to commit 

Or make space 

But they do their job

And I learn and get touched 

By that invisible hand 

I love so much

It never stings 

But will still make my insides ring 

Peering through the wire 

Seeing only what I chose to

It's all a mirror anyhow 

And I can turn off the lights 

I can walk away 

I don't have to fight 

I don't have to over come 

The terrible ache and pain inside 

I can just step 

This time I do

One two three

It's a way to be 

It's not perfect but 

With someone else it gets real bad

I don't have to suffer anymore 

I don't have to run for my life 

They have already taken off 

With parts of me

Already tried to snuff out my fire 

But didn't 

I can burn 

Hot ablaze

In secret 

Protected

Without shame 

As I am in school

Changing my life 

Trying to move 

A list of things

To be accomplished 

Before I meet it

And that is good 

As I only hope 

If it ever has to happen again 

It will find me 

And I will be open when it does 

April 16, 2016

Standing Still

It's not that I am waiting 

For things to finally change 

It's that it still creeps 

Inside the crevices I used to call home 

I don't exist in spite 

I bend and face the will inside 

I don't let go

Only because it's still alive 

Thinking it all for not

Unsure of what is actually real 

How do you tell 

A ghost from a dream 

How do you live with the incomplete 

Like part of you still breathes 

But not in anyway satisfying 

Like it didn't actually happen 

Like it was all meant for something 

More than you actually are 

Something big and grand

But you forget all of that 

As you convince yourself 

You're so much better off than

You weren't living before 

Now you can have it all

It's ripe 

Yours for the taking 

Like handed down from another life 

Given and gotten 

But it's not for free 

You have to release 

What ails you to stay

You have to complete 

Wrap it up

Like it wasn't real

Make yourself steal the lie

So you can survive it 

It's not actually too late 

It all completes something 

But won't be exhumed

It's meant to stay buried

It might seem 

Like bringing up

Facing it head on

Will make it better

But it's just a mirage

One that's easily side stepped

To move along

Not keeping you down 

Confusing as it is 

It's only a step to take 

Something towards life 

Forgetting all that other stuff 

Anything that meant anyone 

I understand 

What it is I have to do

And I am grateful I know where to start 

It's not about them 

Or them 

Or me even 

It's about where I am supposed to be 

Headed there now 

Even though I carry it all

Letting it go 

Changes nothing

Naked 

Stripped of all my excuses 

Life has been chewing on me too damn long

I have ignorantly let it be 

I don't ignore me now 

I don't even fix me now 

I let me be 

As it will all right its self

Like there was nothing do to anyhow 

So don't feel pity

Or fear 

Or complacency 

It's already been walked 

And towed 

And carried 

And known

It actually changes 

Not what I want 

But it will change 

Everything else it's supposed to

And that will be enough 

As the little part of me 

That often speaks 

The absolute truth 

Still is persistent in the telling 

Still makes me turn and face what is 

Strong enough to see it now 

And still tow what's left behind 

Life is not just mere moments 

Or some other cliché 

It's all of it 

Encompassing and fulfilling 

But it's not often clear 

But it doesn't have to be

And running away or towards 

Is often running standing still

April 21, 2016 1:15-1:27 pm at Judy's