Baby steps

Slowly
What does the moment say?
How do I feel?
Will it all seriously be ok?

As so much as happened to me

And to you
And I feel love coming through
And it is so wonderful

What that means for us

I don't know
But it is something
I would like to see

I am so vulnerable too

And don't want to cross any lines
So with my hands behind my back
I will bide my time

As I see you

Differently than I used to
But I am not sure you see me
As you will not say a thing about me

You act like so many sides of the same coin

And I don't get where I fit in

I guess I need to just wait and see

If I do

My family is floored

And I know they mean well
But I don't need their drama or hell
Life can sometimes be sweet

And I tried so hard to not insight this

I tried so hard to do what is right
I tried to not let all the lies be seen
But it all seems to be coming apart at the seams

And while I am sure

Things will work out like they need to
I am not certian about anything
And it can be a bit overwhelming

And I find myself afraid of you a bit

Like I am going to be tricked
Or when I am down kicked
And you tell me you won't

But I remember I have heard it all before

And so many times you have done it

So many times you have tried to destroy me

Tear me apart

And I don't get why

Why do you want to bring me down?
Was it all a lie?
Are you just talking to me because I wouldn't stop asking?

I don't understand

What you mean
And sometimes wish I could go back to being unseen
But it is so incredible to have you near

And even though you don't let me in

Even still you keep me far away
Like, but, always
I don't mind bidding my time

It is just so nice to see you sweet

Even if some of it is artificial
Like a sweetener you cover me up
And I can only take it in small doses

As I know you are not being real

But I don't know what it is you want
But it doesn't matter
Not now

The truth will unfold

It is its only job
And I will accept it and let it be
And stay out of the way

As not to disrupt the truth
And I don't want lies
So in time
I will see what is right

I am letting go of old stories

And seeing if I can just start new
I expect nothing
And would wait forever

And I want to believe

But mostly I just have to wait and see
As it seems to be happening fast
And you have said so many things

Things about how you don't want or need me

Your mouth moves
And your body and actions
Sing a different tune.

So waiting

Still waiting
For what I don't know
But I would like to see

And I open to everything

Even letting myself love you
Or you leaving me
Like I am afraid you will do

And time will make it true

Whatever to be
And so I take the backseat
And we'll wait and see

Handful of rocks

Your promises are like pebbles on a path
And if I do what you want
Then I can pick up another pebble
But all I get is a handful of rocks

And I can't buy food or shelter with those rocks
It is all so pointless
And I wish most my life was over
But it is just more rocks

You let people treat me like shit
And I truly have no one to turn to
I don't have anyone for guidance
You just beckon me to carry on

And I do
Thinking you might reward me
But you don't
And reward those who speak against me
Those who lie to me and hurt me

Everyone else gets what they want
And all you give me is rocks
I don't want rocks anymore
I don't want any of it

You can take it all back
And take my life back too
I don't want me
And I don't want you

I mean what is the deal
Are these magical rocks
Is there a point to all of it
Because right now I feel so lied to

And like I should turn and run away
Like it's not good to stay
As it looks like it might be
And I have no proof here

And everyone knows my intimate self
And that hurts me in a new way
Persecuted?
You wanted me to learn it

I suppose I will be grateful
But while I am forlorn
I don't see the gratitude
But it is not over
So we'll see

And truth be told I am so scared
To come close or go away
I don't know what to do
And wish it were not this hard

I know
I know
It is good for me
But in the midst of it
it's not what I see

Aug 28 8:48 pm

Fallen

She's had me by the neck for so long
That I am all she can see
She can't truly see me
Or herself

But she see's me as herself
And in the tunnel in her mind
She sits in darkness and fear
Sits holding onto her lies

And the choice is clear
She could come out into the light
But she is afraid of what she might find
Herself

And dealing with her
Is not a known choice
It is always someone else that must be to blame
But that person is no longer me

As I have now fallen from her grasp thankfully
And may I find the peace I need
To do with myself as I see
As I know right now she is not good for me

When your fears come inside
You blame me
But your anger and your blame will not keep you safe
As safety doesn't lie on the outside

You can't touch me with your lies
Because I know the true power inside
And while I do not see this evil as you
All you still see is me

And one day
With effort you might be free
But it will never be about me
It is still and only just about you

You say all sorts if lies
And I am struck with this awesome sense of dejavu
As I have heard it all before
And I know this empty rhyme

If things were so so so fucking fine
How could that be?
As I know the real you
But you forget the real me

As nobody has it all
And while I remember a tale not so tall
One where you beat me black and blue
With your evil words and lies

But I guess that was just me?
My fault, huh?
I suppose you were lost at sea?
With only me and that was the true problem?

As I know the real you
And this sort you have become, is not her
She sits deep inside now
And yearns to be free

I don't want to let my anger just be
So I let it go
And you hurt me so
But I love you still

And where
Oh where does that leave me
As I am not the point
Love is

She is not at fault
Her granpa is
And I yearn so for her to be free
Wondering if she still yearns for me?

But clearly the only choice for me
Is to let it all fucking be!
And so much regret!
And pain so strong!

I would do all I could
To change this song
As it hurts me
That she hurts

It hurts her
That she hurts me
And all I want now
Is healing and for us to be free

And I love her
But she doesn't see it
And I see the true person she is
I wonder, does she?


Aug 26 10:14 pm

Finger fuck me

Intense
Equal
Raw
Passion

Chemistry

Attraction
A love reaction
Finger fuck me
 

Desire

Love
Your body
Mine
 
Our breasts touch as I find you sweet
Your fingers find their way down
And upon my lips they meet
It is to you that I am bound

Wet

Ready
And full of emotion
You begin the in and out motion

Everything is fulfilled there

And I don't see anything but you
My love makes the intensity almost to much to bear

And I can't get enough of you

Sliding

Sweetly
To and fro
Please don't stop

You are a master at what you know

And I am the luckiest woman in the world
My sweet beautiful firefly
With hair as red as fire

She yearns and learns my body so

And I am totally hers
Flooded in more ways than just one
I cry out

And as the intensity of your fast and skillful arm endures

So does my patience for my desire

As my body is not ready yet

But getting there

And to show my appreciation

My mouth starts to sing
A moan
A heavy breathing technique

I am lost deep inside you
Your forearm moving fast
I don't know where I am
But it doesn't matter

Nothing else does

But you
Me
And my soul dancing in your sweet hot fire

When I am ready

I find you strong
I see the moment
And it feels not so long

I cry out

Like I never knew
But it is only you
My safety net coming through

And after the release of my purposeful pleasure

Basking in the glow

Of being loved by you

I get what I desire still

From you
Always from you
And you know exactly what I mean
As you feel it too

And before I turn to go down

I kiss you passionately
And my life abounds
And my soul is still in the moment true

As nothing is better than a life with you

And I know it

And you know it too

We share the best together

Being finger fucked by your soul mate

Can't be described truly
It is only an experince shared between the two
But one I want more and more
As it is so very worth the wait

And since I got to go first

You get the rest of the night
And so pleased by that am I
As there is nothing I would rather do
Than make sweet and passionate love to you too

Possessed not

Love is not possession
Love is a choice
Sex is not a weapon
To get what you want

I don't desire normalcy
As that merely falls down
As what I had was anything but
And why it lasted so long was it was not built on sex

It was built on deep love and healing
Trouble was the healing overtook the stage
and a Leo without a spotlight is a goner
As love is not possession

Getting involved with someone on a horny high
Is the American way
And when things fall apart
So does the marriage

Sex is not everything
It is important to enjoy ourselves
But it is not everything
And while it would be nice
I know it is not more important

I am deeply in love
Even though I am alone here
I love even though I can't see her
And there is nothing wrong with that

Nothing wrong with loving someone who is not in your eye sight
It is a mighty deed
It has it's purpose
And it is a strong and beautiful choice

And while I am persist in my true feelings
And shed yesterday
I find myself wanting deeper still
And it only grows in strength

The love I feel is stronger still
The feelings have grown as though we were not seperated
We are one, connected and strong
And I am satisfied with my heart

But I understand something others don't
Love is never wasted
Time is never to late
And the more flaws you can admit and overcome
The more desirable you are

I am acclimating to my alone state
And while I don't enjoy planning for one
Which I hate planning anyway
I also know now it is not what I want

But I also refuse to start over with some stranger right now
As I would have to betray my soul to do so
I need time to be with myself
And I don't need a lover to complete me

And there is something freeing
and powerful about choosing what you want
even though it is not yours
Or is it

And I am thoroughly satisfied in my choice
As love is not possession
I can love even to the deepest
even though my eyes stare back at only me

But still I can see her
And I get that I am lucky that I know that
As most people never get the privilege

They are caught up in only what their mind tells them is there
But I know better
And I am grateful
I am not my thoughts

Sex is never worth a relationship
And that I am glad to know
As a relationship can survive and prosper without sex
But sex cannot survive for long without love and a relationship

And while I want the sex
If I had to choose between the love of my life
And hot sex with my fantasy woman
I would always choose the love of my life

And being honest with my mind
I see the love of my life is the only fantasy woman I want
And sex is only an added and beautiful, enjoyable perk
But I will never want to pick it over her

Truth be told
I feel neglected
A bit starved for affection
And I try and take it where I can get it

A compliment here
A shared laugh there
A smile at me
A slobbery lick from my furry friend
It is not much, but it fills something

But I guess not enough
And at times I feel a bit desperate and stupid
Stupid enough to fantasize that things could actually happen for me
I guess that's when I get to that point

That I wish I could hide myself from myself
And Crawl into someone else's life
I so enjoy spending time with him and his kid
Talking and bitching about all the Republicans and their stupid ways

If I were not this way
If I were straight
I would have found my dream mate
He is so much fun

Tattooed and long hair
Hawaii Native
As Green as I am
Owns a Green coffee house

If I could possess myself as someone else
Become not myself
If I could hide who I am deep inside myself
I think I could act the part

And to be treated great by a happy father
Loved and worshiped
Would be nice
But at las I know better

And his heart is with the woman who scorned him
And I am not that stupid to think I could be happy with a man
But the fantasy in my mind is nice
Being starved is hard on me

I guess the truth is I just want to be married and have a kid
But I have fought it for so long
As I was afraid a marriage would possess me
But now I see I am plagued by my desire

And know that life is mere moments
The past lingers long
Lovers who are wise throw the past out daily
As it can ruin any relationship if it gets it's way

And as I let go of my silly thoughts
Who are not me
I see that I am worthy of what is to come
And love is not possession