Back Door

  Written May 2, 2013 12:52 pm

Looking out the back door
I wait for what's to come
I wish I was not just seeing out
But making things happen now

Seeing out
Is it me?
Doing it to myself
Keeping me inside

Having it all
Circles my mind
You still circle
Every where I go you show up

Living
Dying
Waking up inside
Sleep walking

I feel I am awake
But still push it away
Press it against myself
And look away

What can I do?
What else is there to deal?
It's all just too much
And keeps on coming

I am at peace
But still stirred up inside
What exactly is going on
My life subsides

To the cool embers that still glow
Pushing me to face what is true
I can't keep ignoring it
Life still exists

I have learned to not look
At what I want
Because it doesn't seem
It's looking at me too

So I hyperfocus
On everything else
Waiting for it all to change
Or something new to come

But I also know
That things are on their way
Things I want
Trying to be ready

I open myself up wide
Pull out all of my insides
Rearrange it
Put it back together

I discard what I can
Face what I am able
While I keep what's special
In a special place

I know it all needs to be seen
So I repeat the process
I decipher what I can
Knowing my actions will change everything

Letting it all have its
Time
Place
Space to be

Letting it all go
Healing now
Sewing my insides
Back together

Leaves me wondering
Looking through the pane
Knowing it's only temporary
It will morph again

It always does
Bit by little bit
Change by small rearrange
Life just doesn't stay the same

It just looks that way
As so much has happened
To teach me what I needed to know
I have learned

I know I have
But still something is missing
Keeping me tied to my hearts ache
Wanting a release

I tried to be free of it
I tried to unleash myself
I just ended up
Back at square one

So its something for me to learn
From this place
I accept that
I embrace that

I am not always running away
I do dream of a different life
I do fantasize about what else could be
I conjure up simplicity within the pretending

I want things to be made right
But I also want to be safe
I want a new life
But also want to retain my strength

So that I won't second guess everything
Moving onto a whole new world
To live in possibility
Keeping all I learned in my pockets

I am not afraid to know
What is next for me
I have already seen so much
Believe I will get the life I want

Once I have learned
Once I grow more
Trouble for me
Is I always have an escape route

Always with my left foot out the back door
Thinking I would be better off
Believing I need to
Leave and leave now

The only proof I have to this
Is all the pain of yesterday
I want to draw a line in the sand
And then not cross it

But that's not reality
You can't live tomorrow
Through yesterday
No matter how much you believe you need to

No matter how you think you'd be better off
If you never this or that
I realize this
I turn around

I breathe
Let it be
See what I really don't want to see
Then I must accept it

Only then will I truly know
I am where I need to be
As scary as it is
Running never solved anything