Blurriness Between

Written: October 15, 2013 12:11 pm

Sometimes
I feel you
Close
Intimate

Without space
Between you
Between me
Melting into one

I can't see you
When I am awake
I can sometimes
When I sleep

You still won't talk to me
Pretending you don't care
Your actions still say different
Always did

I don't have to be apart of the lie
I choose to be me
Live how I am
Without constant regret

Or knowledge of how it really is
Should be
Isn't now
But should be

I get why you do it
Sometimes I am on that same page
Whatever will make you go away
I try

But sometimes
I feel differently
Damn the lies
And choices all

I realize it's not impossible
That you actually still care
And that is why
I still can't let go

It seems for real
That I hang on for a reason
It hangs on to me
I don't always fight it

Sometimes I give in
Embrace it
See it
Feel it

I feel at peace
Happy
Not living a lie
Just letting what is be

But due to you
I have to pretend
I have to run
I have to hide

I guess it's actually
Really due to me
I can't blame you
It's just easier if I do

But it's not you're fault
I cloak myself in the pain of it all
Hiding away
Thinking I am now safe

Safe from you
Hurting and leaving
Safe from me
Wanting or believing

If nothing comes out
Nothing goes in
There is no chance
Of getting hurt again

Or is there?
As life still happens
My heart hasn't stopped beating
I just pretend it has

I make myself believe
I don't really need it
Try to live with a knife wound
At the center

Incomplete
Open and pulsating
For a reason
A purpose

A great distraction
It can be
Pretending I don't care
It gets me by

Deep down I know different
I can and will admit
But after that what is there?
As I don't see how far veracity gets

If I could handle how I feel
There would be no problem
It would turn it's self up right
Illuminating the naked truth in time

If I could face myself completely
Accept it for what it is
It would most likely change
Change into something new

As I know I play a role
In keeping it this way
I am the one who needs space
It is on me that we separated

I was broken
Couldn't be repaired
Lost
Hopeless

I dragged you along
You had your own worries
It was all just too fucking much
Insanely goddamn ridiculous

It's good we parted ways
Even though you took my heart with you
I believe it was for a reason
But can't find it just now

I just know it's there
Like a shadow in the dark
The lines blemish
You imagine the worst

Whether or not it comes true
Doesn't matter
It starts to replace common sense
Reality changes in your mind 

Every time I run away
I have to eventually stop
It's impossible to run forever
It just can't be done

So in my more lucid moments
When my strength isn't failing me
I can see possibility
Inside the depth of the ravine

I no longer need to travel there
It doesn't help
Or solve anything
Make anything better

As I know where it leads
Round and round
Pointless ventures 
Then back up again

It's a waste of energy
But it's also not good for me
Life happens now
I don't need anything else to be

Even though I still feel you
I am strong enough
To let that be as it is
Without doing anything