Flaming Orgasm

It used to be so easy
To let it go
To release
Let my body be

It was just a involuntary reaction
It was not on purpose
Or even what I wanted
It just happened

So set the precedent
To be free in my body reacting
It didn't matter who it was
That was pulling the strings

This I learned when I was very little

It was impossible

To seperate myself from this incident 

I tried and failed many times

As I wanted to let myself truly out

Who I really am

But it was just a hologram

An involuntary reaction to being touched

 

I was free
And able
To let the orgasms be

Released

It's strange now
As healing has made me quiet
Unlike anything I get
How to do

I am searching for the next phase
But not able to see it
Yet
Or clearly

Still looking
For me to show up
To shine through
See myself as I am meant to be seen

Be able to complete
This task
Of letting myself
Truly be in the room

Instead of locked behind some door
Hiding in the corner
Quiet so no one knows
Or afraid to come out

It's new for me
Not that I have completely let myself be seen before
Not truly as I am
As I didn't know how

I did however come close with one

Was able to see what was possible

But it was also like being stuck 

In a box with the top nailed shut

I could not find my way out

I could only murmur parts of me

It was never a fully passionate release

Not like the freak inside wants to be seen

 

It is something
That I long to understand
Long to see
Letting all go that is inside me 

As I haven't been able
To come full circle
Releasing myself entirely
Nothing holding me back

It's always been the opposite
Me shut down
I tried many times
To just come out

But it seems it was too hard
An uphill battle
I only lost
Over and over

It's not yet
Not found
Unable
As of now

I have a hard time
Letting go
Am I hanging on?
Am I waiting?

For me?
For someone else?
I have to work so hard at it now
It's almost not worth the trouble

No fulfillment yet
Not like I used to be
Zombie like
Flaming me

Released at the mere touch
It use to happen so quickly
In my mind it was rushed
Sometimes even without a true connection

It flew right by
I don't even get why
But now it's has to be dealt with
Now I can't circumvent the lie

I have to take it directly
Make it well known
See whom I am
And who I will be with

Make it all very purposeful
Face it
Confront it
Walk directly through it

I try and avoid any encounters just now
I don't want the awkward silence
I don't want the supreme true
To look at me

Vulnerable
Empty
Full
Open

I am not sure
What is before
Or after
But it's all different now

I no longer have to feed the monster

To let it go for a price on my head

Making up for what he did to me

My body needing a certain type of release

I don't have the same desires

Or obsessions inside that keep me tied to his fate

I am only now living for me

Thankfully it's all finally changed

 

Like climbing out of a tunnel
You only see so much at first
As the landscape changes
So do you

You begin to know yourself in a new way
Sometimes all you need
As things change
You begin to be

Yourself as you truly are
I suppose I am looking forward to that
And a true release of myself
One that will shake the night

As releasing this much passion
Will be amazing
I will burn hot
And I will dance freely in the fire

I have worked so hard
To see myself
It's going to be worth it
Eventually