Letter to the editor

I don't think you quite get
The difference you make for me
The change in my life
That you make with even the smallest touch

I am forever changed
Changing still because of you
You are special to me
The connection we share is so unique

All you have to do
Is offer the smallest thing to me
The tiniest piece of you
And my life is completely improved

It is so amazing
And I feel so damn lucky to have that
Not many people get what we share
It is all coming in clear to me now

As before I could only see
What was wrong
Or all of my hurts from the past
All the ones I used against you

But after letting so much of them go
Forging a brand new trail with you
One that I can see clearly through
There is no longer doubt or uncertainty

It is all clear to me now
I see you clearly
And the part you play too
Without all the old doubt and fear

I know you have me put away
In some box
Labeled "Grey"
Or something obscure like that

Something you would never
Think to look in
A label that might remind you
To stay away

As what can you really do with gray?
People step over gray areas
The color gray signifies age
And most often gray is to be left alone

It is right to do so
Politically correct even
So this is my final resting place?
This box you know I can't breathe in?

But you keep me there
And something pulls at you
Something tells you things
And I feel turmoil for you about me

I see what you aren't willing to
My box for you is labeled free
As you are free to be inside me
And free to never see me again too

I don't make anything for you
I just am for you
Just with you
Now

You would say many things
You are happy
We gave it our all
It didn't work

But you have no idea
What it is I can do
Or who I am
All you have is memories of what was

You would tell me to move on
As you have found someone
For the first time who really gets you
Who really makes you happy

I smile now just at the mention
As I know the truth will reckon
I know what it IS
For you and me

I know it is easy with her
You don't even go in deep
And you think it will always be
But that is what barely alive means

I know the change I am
From the broken
And torn apart
Too hurt to be me

To the taking on my freedom
As it is worth it for me
You may think a lot of things
Doesn't mean it's true

Thoughts are just a creation
Most come from the past
And sometimes they are true
But often it is just a lie

If it is a negative thought
As I am sure it is
You can be sure it is a lie
A story told for a purpose

As you have told yourself time and again
You have listened to all your own fears
The box you live in will be seen
As you also need to breathe

You say so many things
But still it is all not so true
And I feel what I know
I have seen you feel it too

You would think
I would never change
You would not confuse
Love and me again

As what you have now
May not be real love
But that didn't work out
So it's all you have and better than not

As you couldn't be alone
Don't seem to know how
The floor at night still walks
All the past demons

And you would call me crazy
Or something to remove the attention
But the truth is there
And I read it and feel it

I know the difference
You make for me
I know the battle I lost
Trying to get over you

I know there are so many reasons
Why you stay away
But what can you say is really true?
As life can be what you want

I know you inside and out
I am free to see you as you are
I would have to say
I miss your hands the most

They are soft and gentle
What makes your guitar sing
Comfort and hold me
They give me pleasure

Nobody gets you as I do
Nobody can see you fully like I do
In their own way sure
But not like me

What a gift I am for you too
I am just starting to see
All the ways in which I am good for you
All the ways I love you right

You actually have no idea
As you have never even seen
Every moment from the past
Is just that past

I am this moment
And who I am is awesome
You just can't know
Cause you look away

Crushed Butterfly

Sometimes I feel
Like a crushed Butterfly
Crushed hopes and dreams
That have already flown by

It seems that it's all for not
Even though I am assured different
Why do I have to go on
It doesn't seem like anyone cares

Will I ever fucking get there
Seeing and not being able to reach
Is becoming more and more aggravating
Patience, I am told

But who really cares
This moment is fine
But something is still missing
And I know it's not me

Life has a confusing way
It shares many tales
Much are filled with dismay
And the others don't get talked about

I fucking don't know what to do
Did I make you up?
Were you never really there?
Where did everything go?

Pretty
Empty
Words
It still seems to be

Pretty
Empty
Words
Why do I try so hard?

As it doesn't ever change
Even though I do
And as always
There is so much more to do

You could put a gun to my head
As I wish I were dead
But instead you'll just judge me
As you have no idea how it feels

So don't fucking tell me
To keep my chin up
Don't you think I already know
Don't you think I am fucking trying

As it's not for lack of
It's for too much in the way
You say it's so easy for you
But I suspect you also are not through

It's very fucking difficult
To follow the path that I do
And since I have already chosen
There is no way off

If I want to get out
I have to go through
But through feels like agony sometimes
Harrowing and fucked

And I know
I know
I am so strong
You love to tell me that

Right before you tear open my chest
And rip my heart out with a grin
Who are trying to kill
As I suspect it's really you

I just got in the way
Bleeding and mending I hang in there
Trying to understand your glare
I see fear, where did the love go

But you don't question
And I don't know
The past is like a deep ravine
Set between who we really are

So much goes unseen
And while I begin to understand
Life moves from here
Sometimes stuck is a way of life

Keeping up old beliefs
Make it more fucked for me
Learning how to accept what I want
Is my only way out

So towing my soul
I spit the bad taste out
And you just laugh and stare
What the fuck is wrong with you?

Everyone else sees it but you
You blame me for all
And then you push me down
Saying you did it all for me

You don't see yourself
You don't know how you act
All the weird and untrue ways you behave
You are safe in your oblivion

But it is obvious
That, you are starting to see
As you are fighting against it
Parading your bullshit

I don't look but I still see
I begin to understand
I don't think you do
As you tell me it's all me

But it can't be
It's an impossibility
That what you do or how you feel
Would ever be because of me

What it will be like for you
When your pretend world finally falls down
Something you've done on your own
Maybe then will you know

I put myself
Out on a limb
Time after time
To get put down or hurt again

So what am I supposed to do
What would you do
If you were me that is
I bet you don't know

It's not as easy as it looks
I bet you'd run away
And say fuck it all
I tried that too

Nothing works
Nothing
So I continue on
Lucky me

I must have hit the fucking jackpot
So much to overcome
And all the smarts I need
And intuition to get through it

How lucky am I?
Really, don't bother
Your fucking breathing is too much for me
I get why I always want to be alone

Fine with me
As I am just a Crushed Butterfly
Was once a beautiful sight
But I got tired of never being able to take flight

Pretty
Empty
Words
You have no real idea

Pretty
Empty
Words
So fuck off


Jan 26. 2010
11:36 pm
Copyright 2010

Right or wrong?

I told him off
Did I do it for you
For me
For both

This unrelenting fear
Has been touched
Down deep
It doesn't leave

My stomach is sick
Sick like a dream
A nightmare
Still lives inside me

But I notice all the strength I couldn't before
I notice the door is not so shut
I see all the progress I have made
As I am almost at the end of my rapes

The questions I asked
Stared me point blank in the face
And all the power within
Showed his disgrace

I suppose I never could before
Tell them how they hurt me
When the moment opened the door
I walked right through

But to be touched by this man
A sociopath
And I thought I had it bad
I suddenly understand something new

I feel for her
Doing nothing
Taking blame for it all
Wishing I could protect them all

She can't see it
But I do
I feel for her
Am sad too

He blames me too
I have done nothing
He makes me feel ashamed
But doesn't get his way no longer works

But the type like him
Can only be a jerk
And shrug off responsibility
And make others wrong for what he does

He can't admit the truth
Even when asked point blank
How did it feel when you touched her
Small and frail form, she was

He can't even see
What it is he has done
I can
I wonder does she

I know I was hurt too
But my grandpa
Was not my dad
He was so hurting too
And I am grateful it was him
If it had to be at all

I lose all self control
Call him multiple names
I can't even stop myself
Am I to blame?

I don't want to be mean
But someone deep inside me
Doesn't care how he feels
What does it all mean?

My friend says she is grateful
I tell her can't she see
It is most definitely him
He isn't right in the head

I apologize
Wish I could have handled it better
But for all I did say
For all I stood up for

I actually do feel better
Better and sick
One in the same
And I never wish to see him again

I lost it
Put him down
Made him feel uncomfortable
So much so he decided to go

My poor sister
Hurt in so many ways
And this man she was born to
Has swung the blade

Reaching out to the past
To grab a bit of light
I concern myself with healing for her
But it is not my fight

I have still some of my own work to do
And as much as I would like
Am not through
Are you?

Confessions from my vagina

A knife rips
Through the very part of me
Screaming no
Although no one hears

Something is stolen
Will it ever be returned
It doesn't seem the type to make deals
Everything burns

Lost inside my confusion
I peek out to see
But they have not gone yet
What do they want from me

My head is spinning
My life gets turned around
The path that I was headed for
I am no longer bound

Skewed is my very mind
Everything is wrong
I don't understand
So I relent and leave

Shutting down
All of which I was going to be
Seeing it all for what it is
Something torn out of me

I am not growing up to be
Beautiful and healthy
As was promised
All I know has been ripped away

And older I get
The more dismay I still say
When does it end
I know I have suffered enough

Shutting down
To keep what is left inside me still
Knowing that I won't
Make that same mistake until

She comes deep inside
And makes everything new
It all begins to release
Which terrifies me

But in spite of all my fear
I get happy deep down
In my inner most part of me
And that never leaves

Not understanding it
I try and remain still
Untouched
But nothing works

She finds her way deep inside me still
I try to block every exit
I hole up in my cave alone
Eventually she goes away

I am not sure anymore
If that was the point
I am just understanding now
I am just starting to see

But what I want
Or what that means
Doesn't stop confusing me
Even though it should

I live with the fear
Until the moment of release
And I bleed it out of me
With my sweat and tears

I can now finally breathe
In and out
Like I never knew
And this is my true virtue

I am healing deep down
Where it hurts the most
It is changing all of me
I am finally feeling like me

And when I touch myself to see
I feel the most awesome release
As I am not afraid to be seen
And something amazing changes inside me

My whole world is a new
And what was impossible before
I look now through brand new eyes
And what I see comes in right

Gay Marriage

People say I should not be
Allowed to marry
The right one for me
Because she happens to be a girl

People tell me I am wrong
Wrong for loving her
They tell me I should stop
And love another

The trouble that they cannot see
Is deep inside of me
I am missing that very piece
That connects me to their reality

I don't want
The embrace of a man
Why can't I just be loved by you
Exactly as I am

If she makes me happy
Why do you care
What exactly do you get
From controlling my personal affair

I don't tell you
How many kids you shouldn't have
Even though I think
You have too many

Or that never using birth control
Praises your God
As in your justified eyes
We are all sinners

Your God tells me that I am wrong
Or at least that is what I hear from you
I don't need you to save my soul
Worry about your own as I think you're fooled

It may come as quite a shock
But I want nothing to do with your God
As my God created me and loves me
Exactly as I am
And that is not for you to judge

I stay out of your home
And let you live your life
I only ask in return that
You do the same for me

I want to marry a beautiful woman
On the beach at sunset
I want it to be legal
I want our kids to have our names

Legal parents to our kids
In case the worst should happen
There should be no mistaking
Who is legally able to act in any scenario

A life built for two
Should have some safety
Some guarantees
Or certainties

I don't mean
The ones you don't expect
I mean
The ones you do

Life
Death
Birth
And what is all in middle to

I want to have security
For our life together
I want to have a legal commitment
All the benefits you take for granted

Health insurance benefits
Estate ones too
Legal to the end
All the rights you might not be grateful to


If I die I want her to be free
To have rights to speak for me
Follow my wishes
Have legal course for our life


I also want the same rights
In the absence of her life
As if we build it together
The law should not put its self in the middle

It is our affair
Not that of yours
So I ask that you let me
Live my life

I want the rights
You may not ever be aware you have
The ones that you seem to
Divorce so easily through

Why does it matter to you
Anyway??
Is it really your business
As I don't see how it is

So I will ask you again
Stay out of my life
And I will do the same for you
That is the way it is supposed to be

How do you think our children feel?
Not being able to have two legal parents
As it impacts our families a great deal
This matters to us as we are humans too

You may think it is a choice
Or that we are a wrong
But your judgments are just that
And it is getting old



Your hate has not weakened us
Only made us stronger
I choose to take the high road
As we all deserve to be loved

You
Me
All of us
Deserve to be treated with love and respect

In time, I hope you see
As change is coming
I have already seen
As no one is really better than another

We are all basically the same
At least in many ways
And your fears stop you
From being true

Your innate nature is strong
Deep inside you it screams
But yet you cannot see
That love is not wrong

Love is anything and most everything too
Not just what you THINK
But I can see us through
And in time I know you will too

As when you stop shouting
And listen to your heart
You will see that
There is nothing wrong with me

At that point
Peace and harmony will be
Between all of us
As it is supposed to be

It might even make you feel good
Until then I will press on
As your ways aren't going to stop me
From being who I really am

Video killed the woman inside

What can be done
We've come undone
And we've let it happen
We've let them take from us what we hold dear

We started to rise above
Rise against their masculinity
Their oppression
Their suppression of who we innately are:

Powerful
Strong
Wise
Intelligent
Then Beautiful
But never just a body

We are more than a body
We are a mind and a soul
We have desires, thoughts, cares, deep feelings, wishes for the world
around us
We want things for ourselves too

We go after them
Strive to achieve
Run for President
Give it all we got

We were never meant to
Be how they make us seem
We were never meant to
Do the things we do for them

We are more than
Legs in high heels
More than
Target for champagne or sperm

We can't be undone forever
As we have a core strength inside us
Among us all
And we will rise above

But the reality now is
Not as pretty as we want it
The reality is terrifying and unjust
And the Media has made it seem to be

It has taken from us
Out of our own hands even
Taken who we are
And removed everything but our naked bodies

We let them take our virginity
For three minutes in front of a camera
We let them have sex with our minds and our ideals
Until we didn't know who we were anymore

We let them run the show
We got in line to be a sex symbol
Nothing more than a body
No brains, no heart, empty

How little we MUST think of ourselves
How much contempt do we need to spew on our own souls
Before we've had enough
Before we can love ourselves again

We let them tell us who we are
We let them dictate what we deserve
We hold their dicks so they don't have to
Nothing more than a prop

Why do we all agree with how it is
Why do we let ugly ass men
Like Nelly or Limp Biskit
Tell us what we want or who we are

Why do we allow them to create a national image
One that teaches our boys to become heartless rapists
And our girls empty holes for which men stick themselves in

As women are depicted time and again
As ravenous beasts who only want to please men, any men
Women are depicted as empty and without desire for herself
We apparently have no feelings
Apparently we can't feel pain

And we all let it be so
We all just agree it's ok
We do by our silence
We do by turning away

And we might have well as said
Let them take advantage of us
Serve us for dinner
Well we need to say something else

We need to stand up for our rights
We need to say no
You can't throw meat at my ass
Even if that means I must get off the tour bus

I mean were you really happy anyhow
Are you happy with champagne or booze being poured on your body
Are you happy being used like a blow up doll
Are you happy really happy being a prop

You see I doubt it
And I bet you don't really want it
I bet you just put up with it
I bet you just don't know how to say so

Don't we fucking matter?
Don't we deserve more?
I am not a hole for fucking ass Snoop Dog
And Limp Biskit can fuck off too

The time is now
And it will be
If I have anything to say
This is going to end

Where is my feminist movement?
My comradery
My companionship
We can do so much together as women

Women have always had to fight
Our great grandmothers fought for us
And we must pick up the banners
We must fight for our great granddaughters

We can't let it end here
There will be nothing left of us if we do
Those power hungry men will take it all
It is already happening

We are powerful beyond our wildest imaginations
We need to band together once again
We need to assert our minds, our hearts
And that we won't be used anymore

There is strength in numbers
We can say no
This will change
All we have to do is stand up

Stand up and face it
Stick up for who we are
And what we really want
Stand with me

Stand here now
If we all realize how we are not standing
Than we won half the battle
It starts first with us, in our minds

I know for me
I am not going to let anyone keep me down
As I have seen the true beauty inside
And that can't be snuffed out by any of you