Wounded

Love has wounded me
Made me believe
To rip it all away
Death faces change

Dying
Reality
People leave
I have learned

I feel like new
Something
Nothing
Different

But still I feel wounded
Unable at times
To deal with the smallest
Confrontation or truth

I hope to believe
I am still steady and strong
Resting below
Waiting to strengthen

As I don't think
This fleeing and avoiding
Person is really me
It's just not who I am

At the core
Foundation
Cemented in
Being me

Just another name
Who has been wounded
I wonder for myself
As I cannot wonder for others

It all seems to be too fucking much
Or am I just making it too real
Maybe it's not real
Only a game to be played

One that was caught
To avoid the real me
The one that sees things
Keeps going no matter what

I suppose I don't hold it against me
The falling flat on my face
I guess it's understandable
And I do understand

I can be
Compassionate
Loving
Supportive to myself

But I don't feel like the
Go getter
Maker of miracles
Stronger than mountains

I know myself to be
But not now
Now I just feel wounded
And scared

Maybe it's the real me
The one that's always been there
Maybe it's not going away
It's possible

Anything is
I have been hurt by more people
In more ways
Unimaginable pain

Has it strengthened me
Grown me
Repurposed me
Chosen me

I don't know
I am still reeling from the after shock
That hit me still
Square in the face

Does that make me strong?
That I keep going
Or is it just easy?
As you don't stop breathing

Standing Confused

I don't understand you
It doesn't matter who you are
Or what your intentions are
I don't get what you want from me

It makes me nervous
That you want anything from me
That you ask
When I don't know who you are

You make it sound like
You really want to know me
Can't live without me
Am excited by the possibility

I don't understand it
I don't feel that way
About you
Or really anyone

I don't see so much of my feelings
They aren't on my sleeve
They hidden deep within me
And there I let them be

Because it's not crucial
To my survival
To link arms with you
Walking like I need you next to me

All I need is me
Me and me
So if you think I will accept you
Blindly without investigation

If you think I will let you
Stroll right inside
Without the necessary amount of time
Think again

As I don't need you
Even if you want me to
I most likely never will
I don't stray too far from this place

Too much has happened
Too much pain has been
I am done letting it in
I am done feeling out of control

As I think you want to take it all
And leave behind more hurt and pain
So honestly I don't trust you
Therefore I don't let you in

There is nothing you can do
To change this
Or keep it from happening
Or to change me

You do not have
Any other recourse
To get what you want
Except patience and time

If you prove yourself worthy
I might let you in
I might want to know who you are
Maybe

But what is most likely to happen
Is I don't care what you want
Or who you are
I don't need you

And am unsure why I should bother with you
A stranger
A nice person
Possible friend or even lover

It all seems like too much
For someone I am uncertain about
For a payoff undecided
Possibly not even worth it

For I am pretty carved in
Like a path that you walked too long
Pacing back-and-forth so much
That the causeway gets worn and pretty thin

I have seen what people can do
And am not about to just let it be
So if you need me
Wait

Stand without impatience
Be without leaving
Tempt not yourself
And prove it to me

If I like what you got
I might decree you inside
As the queen only knights
Those who have slain dragons

She never blindly let's
Just anyone wander by
She surveys all
And keeps herself upright

A true Queen doesn't need
And need anyone to be
She herself completes the inner circle
You can't understand that

A mere stranger
Begging me to let you in
As if it isn't interesting to me
I won't bother with you

So do your best to win over the court
Put on your best jester attire
Dance and sing to my hearts content
And in time you might just win

Flaming Orgasm

It used to be so easy
To let it go
To release
Let my body be

It was just a involuntary reaction
It was not on purpose
Or even what I wanted
It just happened

So set the precedent
To be free in my body reacting
It didn't matter who it was
That was pulling the strings

This I learned when I was very little

It was impossible

To seperate myself from this incident 

I tried and failed many times

As I wanted to let myself truly out

Who I really am

But it was just a hologram

An involuntary reaction to being touched

 

I was free
And able
To let the orgasms be

Released

It's strange now
As healing has made me quiet
Unlike anything I get
How to do

I am searching for the next phase
But not able to see it
Yet
Or clearly

Still looking
For me to show up
To shine through
See myself as I am meant to be seen

Be able to complete
This task
Of letting myself
Truly be in the room

Instead of locked behind some door
Hiding in the corner
Quiet so no one knows
Or afraid to come out

It's new for me
Not that I have completely let myself be seen before
Not truly as I am
As I didn't know how

I did however come close with one

Was able to see what was possible

But it was also like being stuck 

In a box with the top nailed shut

I could not find my way out

I could only murmur parts of me

It was never a fully passionate release

Not like the freak inside wants to be seen

 

It is something
That I long to understand
Long to see
Letting all go that is inside me 

As I haven't been able
To come full circle
Releasing myself entirely
Nothing holding me back

It's always been the opposite
Me shut down
I tried many times
To just come out

But it seems it was too hard
An uphill battle
I only lost
Over and over

It's not yet
Not found
Unable
As of now

I have a hard time
Letting go
Am I hanging on?
Am I waiting?

For me?
For someone else?
I have to work so hard at it now
It's almost not worth the trouble

No fulfillment yet
Not like I used to be
Zombie like
Flaming me

Released at the mere touch
It use to happen so quickly
In my mind it was rushed
Sometimes even without a true connection

It flew right by
I don't even get why
But now it's has to be dealt with
Now I can't circumvent the lie

I have to take it directly
Make it well known
See whom I am
And who I will be with

Make it all very purposeful
Face it
Confront it
Walk directly through it

I try and avoid any encounters just now
I don't want the awkward silence
I don't want the supreme true
To look at me

Vulnerable
Empty
Full
Open

I am not sure
What is before
Or after
But it's all different now

I no longer have to feed the monster

To let it go for a price on my head

Making up for what he did to me

My body needing a certain type of release

I don't have the same desires

Or obsessions inside that keep me tied to his fate

I am only now living for me

Thankfully it's all finally changed

 

Like climbing out of a tunnel
You only see so much at first
As the landscape changes
So do you

You begin to know yourself in a new way
Sometimes all you need
As things change
You begin to be

Yourself as you truly are
I suppose I am looking forward to that
And a true release of myself
One that will shake the night

As releasing this much passion
Will be amazing
I will burn hot
And I will dance freely in the fire

I have worked so hard
To see myself
It's going to be worth it
Eventually

Just Jump

Written: Dec 5, 2013 2:25 am.

Standing at that cliff
The one I knew was coming
The one I have been looking for
Waiting for

It is the cliff I couldn't find
The one I wanted to see so long ago
Standing here
In front of me

I find myself shaken
Could it all have been for not?
Really what was the point?
I let it go

I choose to jump
I am complete within myself
I need no other
It's not a tale

It's what I fought so hard for
What I wanted desperately
To be standing
And staring back at only me

And be ok with that
Ok in the deepest parts of me
Without anyone missing
Or incomplete

I just didn't know how
To get here
I amaze myself
I truly do

I made the impossible happen
Again
It's great
But now what?

Now what do I do?
I know I jump
I know I let go
I just don't know much else

So I'll fall
If I hit the ground
I'll survive it
I am that strong

If I come to a place
That I actually like
I'll be better off
Knowing myself

It was always my first priority
It was never meant to last this long
But it went how it went
It took as long as it did

I don't regret that
And while I understand so many things
I don't get just one thing
It still eludes me

As I did not drag anyone along for the ride
But for sure I was followed
I haven't been alone the entire time
I don't yet understand why

But I am also letting it go too
As it's just time
For me to look ahead
Even though I still walk in two's

I am going to jump
Excited?
Parts of me
As I know it's going to take me to a new place

I am scared
Sure
It's always scary
Leaving the past behind

It takes real courage
I know I have that
I know it's the right choice
I don't question

My heart still aches
Love still makes
I am still not exactly
Where I want to be

Though I think
Something is happening
I think everything
Is changing

I am going
To jump
Jump
Jump

The cliff is high up
The fall is long
But will happen fast
Before my very eyes

And exactly what will be
Will be
So I jump bravely
Whole heatedly knowing I am now free

Back Door

  Written May 2, 2013 12:52 pm

Looking out the back door
I wait for what's to come
I wish I was not just seeing out
But making things happen now

Seeing out
Is it me?
Doing it to myself
Keeping me inside

Having it all
Circles my mind
You still circle
Every where I go you show up

Living
Dying
Waking up inside
Sleep walking

I feel I am awake
But still push it away
Press it against myself
And look away

What can I do?
What else is there to deal?
It's all just too much
And keeps on coming

I am at peace
But still stirred up inside
What exactly is going on
My life subsides

To the cool embers that still glow
Pushing me to face what is true
I can't keep ignoring it
Life still exists

I have learned to not look
At what I want
Because it doesn't seem
It's looking at me too

So I hyperfocus
On everything else
Waiting for it all to change
Or something new to come

But I also know
That things are on their way
Things I want
Trying to be ready

I open myself up wide
Pull out all of my insides
Rearrange it
Put it back together

I discard what I can
Face what I am able
While I keep what's special
In a special place

I know it all needs to be seen
So I repeat the process
I decipher what I can
Knowing my actions will change everything

Letting it all have its
Time
Place
Space to be

Letting it all go
Healing now
Sewing my insides
Back together

Leaves me wondering
Looking through the pane
Knowing it's only temporary
It will morph again

It always does
Bit by little bit
Change by small rearrange
Life just doesn't stay the same

It just looks that way
As so much has happened
To teach me what I needed to know
I have learned

I know I have
But still something is missing
Keeping me tied to my hearts ache
Wanting a release

I tried to be free of it
I tried to unleash myself
I just ended up
Back at square one

So its something for me to learn
From this place
I accept that
I embrace that

I am not always running away
I do dream of a different life
I do fantasize about what else could be
I conjure up simplicity within the pretending

I want things to be made right
But I also want to be safe
I want a new life
But also want to retain my strength

So that I won't second guess everything
Moving onto a whole new world
To live in possibility
Keeping all I learned in my pockets

I am not afraid to know
What is next for me
I have already seen so much
Believe I will get the life I want

Once I have learned
Once I grow more
Trouble for me
Is I always have an escape route

Always with my left foot out the back door
Thinking I would be better off
Believing I need to
Leave and leave now

The only proof I have to this
Is all the pain of yesterday
I want to draw a line in the sand
And then not cross it

But that's not reality
You can't live tomorrow
Through yesterday
No matter how much you believe you need to

No matter how you think you'd be better off
If you never this or that
I realize this
I turn around

I breathe
Let it be
See what I really don't want to see
Then I must accept it

Only then will I truly know
I am where I need to be
As scary as it is
Running never solved anything

Blurriness Between

Written: October 15, 2013 12:11 pm

Sometimes
I feel you
Close
Intimate

Without space
Between you
Between me
Melting into one

I can't see you
When I am awake
I can sometimes
When I sleep

You still won't talk to me
Pretending you don't care
Your actions still say different
Always did

I don't have to be apart of the lie
I choose to be me
Live how I am
Without constant regret

Or knowledge of how it really is
Should be
Isn't now
But should be

I get why you do it
Sometimes I am on that same page
Whatever will make you go away
I try

But sometimes
I feel differently
Damn the lies
And choices all

I realize it's not impossible
That you actually still care
And that is why
I still can't let go

It seems for real
That I hang on for a reason
It hangs on to me
I don't always fight it

Sometimes I give in
Embrace it
See it
Feel it

I feel at peace
Happy
Not living a lie
Just letting what is be

But due to you
I have to pretend
I have to run
I have to hide

I guess it's actually
Really due to me
I can't blame you
It's just easier if I do

But it's not you're fault
I cloak myself in the pain of it all
Hiding away
Thinking I am now safe

Safe from you
Hurting and leaving
Safe from me
Wanting or believing

If nothing comes out
Nothing goes in
There is no chance
Of getting hurt again

Or is there?
As life still happens
My heart hasn't stopped beating
I just pretend it has

I make myself believe
I don't really need it
Try to live with a knife wound
At the center

Incomplete
Open and pulsating
For a reason
A purpose

A great distraction
It can be
Pretending I don't care
It gets me by

Deep down I know different
I can and will admit
But after that what is there?
As I don't see how far veracity gets

If I could handle how I feel
There would be no problem
It would turn it's self up right
Illuminating the naked truth in time

If I could face myself completely
Accept it for what it is
It would most likely change
Change into something new

As I know I play a role
In keeping it this way
I am the one who needs space
It is on me that we separated

I was broken
Couldn't be repaired
Lost
Hopeless

I dragged you along
You had your own worries
It was all just too fucking much
Insanely goddamn ridiculous

It's good we parted ways
Even though you took my heart with you
I believe it was for a reason
But can't find it just now

I just know it's there
Like a shadow in the dark
The lines blemish
You imagine the worst

Whether or not it comes true
Doesn't matter
It starts to replace common sense
Reality changes in your mind 

Every time I run away
I have to eventually stop
It's impossible to run forever
It just can't be done

So in my more lucid moments
When my strength isn't failing me
I can see possibility
Inside the depth of the ravine

I no longer need to travel there
It doesn't help
Or solve anything
Make anything better

As I know where it leads
Round and round
Pointless ventures 
Then back up again

It's a waste of energy
But it's also not good for me
Life happens now
I don't need anything else to be

Even though I still feel you
I am strong enough
To let that be as it is
Without doing anything

Supposed To

Written: Nov 15, 2012 11:20 am

I know
What's  expected of me
I know
What I am supposed to do

It is my duty
To move on
Find someone new
Be done with you

They all want me to
Insist I should
Find someone else
Let you go

They aren't the only ones
Your family expects it too
And so do you
I know she does too

It drives her crazy
The past we share
How I am not with anyone
How you really feel

Truly without the lies
Between the lines
Is something right
But you don't admit it

It keeps you split in two
The you who pretends
She is where she wants to be
The face everyone else sees

Between the true you
The one who you are
Where your heart actually lies
Without the lies you tell yourself

I chose different
I chose to be true to myself
To not pretend
For pretending sake

I didn't move on
Just to try and be done with you
I didn't take someone in
Just so I could say I did

It is this that gives them all cause
Makes them think
They need to save me
But it only gives me pause

Cause I can't pretend
Not about this
You are just to strong inside
Making me admit the truth

Even though
I fought hard against it
Not wanting it to be real
I tried to move on

It is absolutely true
And I have to face it
I have to deal
You are just there

You're not supposed to be
You were supposed to leave
I was supposed to move on
Supposed to find someone else

But supposed to isn't real life
It is only a set of made up rules
Ones that I just can't seem to follow
No matter how hard I try

So it just makes sense
That everyone else would feel better
If I would play the game right
Removing you from my heart, forcing you out

I am always pushed to be with someone new
I am supposed to do it
But it is not at all
What is right for me to do

I know that
Because I can still see you
You are trapped inside
Like a life line

One that makes things right
Illuminates me from the inside
Showing me who I am
Keeping me right where I need to be

I understand
They all mean well
I get they only want
Me to be happy

They all want me
Not to be lonely
Have someone new
Who is good for me

They all think
If I just move on
I will be
A no brainier

But it's not that easy
Even though they tell me it is
I can't turn my heart off
So I can accept someone new

I know you make me happy
I do
I do
I really really do

I am not trying to fool anyone
Or make myself think its true
I'll try again
Try right now

I let you go
I do
Leave please!
Get the fuck out

But you won't
So I have to admit it
How it really is for me
Cause I don't need you

But I want you
What we shared was amazing
Minus all the pushing and pulling
Fighting and screaming

Through all that
The most precious moments existed
It is those I speak of
Those I want more

As I remember
The peace
The joy
The passionate life we shared

I am not confused about that
I didn't misread our chemistry
I didn't get confused
I know who we are together

I can pinpoint the exact time and place
Where I fell in love with you
And I know exactly where
You fell in love with me too

 I also know
All of that other shit
The fighting
The pushing away

The things that forced us apart
That got in our way
That came between us
Was not us

I get she is afraid
Of how you feel for me
So are you
Hell add me to that list

I get it is scary
Admitting you were wrong
Telling the truth
Starting over

I get it isn't easy
But how long
Do we really intend
To go on this way ?

You are certain
It won't work
You know that after all you did
It can't be different

I wonder if you can bet your future
On what you fear most
As from where I sit
Nothing is the same

So I don't question what we could be
I don't think it wouldn't change
I know we aren't the same as before
Everything is possible from this place