Violent Love

Lay down 

Next to me 

I feel your warmth 

Your body close

I see my heart 

Thumping 

I see my life 

Up and down 

As it's supposed to go

My head sings

Of the violent love we share

It's so good for me

It wakes me  

From the deepest slumber

I didn't want to leave

Fought hard against it

I needed someone 

To fight passionately for me

As I wasn't going 

To be easy

It wasn't supposed to 

It never is

We all want easy

Easy is boring

Easy is work

Commute

Sit

Type

Easy is soul diffusing 

It's easy to forget 

Who you really are

What you really want 

I don't ever forget 

I just make myself 

Look away

And stay

Like he made me learn

I was just too young 

To understand why 

Or understand it

Or change it

Or stop the monster inside

To afraid to love 

Or be touched 

It's confusing 

Hard

And one only wants life to stop

So it can be easy 

Easy that I won't have to deal 

Or feel

Or live

But it's not real

I never wanted easy

I wanted soul crushing

Heart ripping

Passionately slapped 

It's all been a big bore since 

But I tell myself it's what I need now

I believe it

Keep going 

Maybe soon 

I might let someone in

Someone I don't know

It sounds so much work 

I just don't want

To always be alone

Even though I'm not

Not really 

I lay down

You're already there 

You snuggle up next to me

I feel your heartbeat 

I count my heart beats

I know I am where I need to be

I see it's all so confusing 

As I am alive 

You lean in

Kiss my ear

I flinch 

It tickles

It's not real

You vanish 

Once I point it out

It doesn't matter

I am fine

I don't need anyone 

As when I do

It only occurs in my head

And I realize 

I have nothing to give 

Nothing to say

On any matter

I haven't really lived 

Not enough to get it

The intimacies

Between two 

Still scare me

Makes me flee inside 

Still believing the lies 

I don't get it

I have tried

But it's too hard for me

I wanted to understand 

I wanted to be apart

It's an awful feeling 

To look through a window 

And not being able to do

Anything you want to do

It's how I am

My eyes are like steel bars 

Barriers I can't deal

I don't feel 

I needed violent passion

But I also needed tenderness and pleasure

I just couldn't let it in

Or admit I wanted it

A good fight 

Is good for the soul

Facing hard truths

Are good for the body

Someone forcing you 

Against all desire 

Is often necessary 

As sleeping is too tempting 

To just sleep 

And be 

Alone

Is mostly what I want

I have to remind myself 

And fight to remember 

Who I am 

And what I am after

And I give up

So someone reminds me 

I remember 

Ah yes, I did want that 

It's too hard

I am sure I'll never arrive

As life is too full 

Of unwanted things

They suck up 

The whole damn thing

I wish it weren't that way

I wish I could change it

It feels confining and suffocating 

Will it always be?

Will the truly beautiful stuff 

Always be out of reach?

August 21, 2016 1:50 am

Finished August 22, 2016 2:08 am

37

Untouched and Silent

I regret still

Throwing you away

You were once mine

Weren't you?

But now you belong 

To someone else 

I am so very glad you're settled

As you always wanted

I have remedied

My desire

I no longer want to settle 

Here or anywhere 

I want to remain free

Always 

I still haven't seen 

It's worth it

So really how I am supposed to know?

It's too complicated 

Life

And mine is too consuming

On purpose 

It's a great excuse 

But still I am empty

Life doesn't fill me up

I dream of flooding

And great big whales

Stuck in pools

And snow ends the water

Does it all mean

Things about me?

Heavily burdened I am?!

Emotionally cold?!

Powerful

Overwhelming 

Emotions 

Right

Well it's not like 

I can be honest

I mean where 

Does it get me?

I try sometimes 

But eventually I have to look away

Too much is wrong

And out of place 

Ok, here it goes again 

I want to move out west

Act

Love life

I know this 

Seeing it hasn't changed it

I am still stuck 

Inside this prism

And while I should want

To be with someone 

I don't 

Not really 

I can't get over

The pain of the past

How it all doesn't last

And I always end up alone 

I am sick of it never being me 

I deserve more

I don't get it

I only get heartache and suffering 

Don't think I don't get 

How it actually went down

I have fuzzy 

Embarrassing memories 

But it doesn't change 

Reality 

As when you are unconscious 

You're still accountable

I can't blame it on anyone 

That I pushed you so far away 

It's on me

I just never actually thought you'd leave 

But I am glad 

You have what you want

And I don't ever want 

To lose myself in someone again 

Never going to lose control again 

I will remain upright

Untouched 

And silent 

And maybe find someone 

Who can deal with that 

It's a hard harsh life

But I have a purpose 

August 15, 2016

2:04 am

Spiraling Unknown

Sexually numb

But your insides blaze

A fire you try and ignore 

Saving your grace for kinder days 

Not really lonely

Just alone 

Better this way

You tell yourself 

And you remember it's not

Happening right now 

And in the past 

It always ended really badly 

Trying to see through the black

Into something worth fighting for

Doesn't make it easy 

To keep looking 

Knowing your justified in your causality 

As someone has to protect your heart 

Someone has to guard the fences 

March the perimeter 

Walls are standing for a reason 

Too many have taken off 

With valuables of the land

Too many have ignored 

And that time has come to an end

No more empty promises 

No more of what will be 

It's a mirage of nothing

So for the walls to come down again 

It would take a mighty soul

To see beyond them 

That is mostly what is required 

Although people are too lazy

And too concerned with themselves 

So the gold and jewels beyond the border 

Are safe from all intruders 

Sighing keeps it securely in place 

It doesn't want to found 

It doesn't need to held

It doesn't need to be loved 

And it's ok

As its so much better than 

Fighting others for the sake of it all

Love is just not worth it 

No one has ever said different 

And what can be said

Is not enough to go on 

Or trust 

Engaging a lie 

To win a life 

To complete a supposed tale 

That's just pretend anyhow 

I am better just like this 

People don't understand 

They think something's wrong 

But I remember 

All of them 

In their imperfect darkness

Their rotten lies and withholdings 

Always saying how I wasn't the one 

I don't need to hear it 

I don't need to be it

I don't need to find anyone 

Or be anyone 

I am going to change

All of this shit 

And when I do 

It will be me who shines 

Not them and me

Just me

It's enough 

It has been 

I won't search for someone who is like me 

Compliments me

Attracts me

Intrigues me 

Fascinates me

Thrills me

Turns me on

And complicates my life 

I shuck it to the side 

And step forward 

Not caring anymore what I leave behind 

Or what that means either 

It's all about me 

And that has become enough 

Sigh

Closes the door 

I like it that way 

It's easier 

And I still have all of them

Who stir the ashes

Igniting the slowly dying embers

So they never completely go out

And remind me to keep moving

Even if I don't want to

Instead of a personal tale 

I let strangers do it

They push and prod my buttons 

They get the rise I need 

They are safe behind their plastic screens 

They let me feel and see

But it's safe 

It's right and ok

I don't have to commit 

Or make space 

But they do their job

And I learn and get touched 

By that invisible hand 

I love so much

It never stings 

But will still make my insides ring 

Peering through the wire 

Seeing only what I chose to

It's all a mirror anyhow 

And I can turn off the lights 

I can walk away 

I don't have to fight 

I don't have to over come 

The terrible ache and pain inside 

I can just step 

This time I do

One two three

It's a way to be 

It's not perfect but 

With someone else it gets real bad

I don't have to suffer anymore 

I don't have to run for my life 

They have already taken off 

With parts of me

Already tried to snuff out my fire 

But didn't 

I can burn 

Hot ablaze

In secret 

Protected

Without shame 

As I am in school

Changing my life 

Trying to move 

A list of things

To be accomplished 

Before I meet it

And that is good 

As I only hope 

If it ever has to happen again 

It will find me 

And I will be open when it does 

April 16, 2016

Standing Still

It's not that I am waiting 

For things to finally change 

It's that it still creeps 

Inside the crevices I used to call home 

I don't exist in spite 

I bend and face the will inside 

I don't let go

Only because it's still alive 

Thinking it all for not

Unsure of what is actually real 

How do you tell 

A ghost from a dream 

How do you live with the incomplete 

Like part of you still breathes 

But not in anyway satisfying 

Like it didn't actually happen 

Like it was all meant for something 

More than you actually are 

Something big and grand

But you forget all of that 

As you convince yourself 

You're so much better off than

You weren't living before 

Now you can have it all

It's ripe 

Yours for the taking 

Like handed down from another life 

Given and gotten 

But it's not for free 

You have to release 

What ails you to stay

You have to complete 

Wrap it up

Like it wasn't real

Make yourself steal the lie

So you can survive it 

It's not actually too late 

It all completes something 

But won't be exhumed

It's meant to stay buried

It might seem 

Like bringing up

Facing it head on

Will make it better

But it's just a mirage

One that's easily side stepped

To move along

Not keeping you down 

Confusing as it is 

It's only a step to take 

Something towards life 

Forgetting all that other stuff 

Anything that meant anyone 

I understand 

What it is I have to do

And I am grateful I know where to start 

It's not about them 

Or them 

Or me even 

It's about where I am supposed to be 

Headed there now 

Even though I carry it all

Letting it go 

Changes nothing

Naked 

Stripped of all my excuses 

Life has been chewing on me too damn long

I have ignorantly let it be 

I don't ignore me now 

I don't even fix me now 

I let me be 

As it will all right its self

Like there was nothing do to anyhow 

So don't feel pity

Or fear 

Or complacency 

It's already been walked 

And towed 

And carried 

And known

It actually changes 

Not what I want 

But it will change 

Everything else it's supposed to

And that will be enough 

As the little part of me 

That often speaks 

The absolute truth 

Still is persistent in the telling 

Still makes me turn and face what is 

Strong enough to see it now 

And still tow what's left behind 

Life is not just mere moments 

Or some other cliché 

It's all of it 

Encompassing and fulfilling 

But it's not often clear 

But it doesn't have to be

And running away or towards 

Is often running standing still

April 21, 2016 1:15-1:27 pm at Judy's 

Broken Walls

Sifting 

Like ashes in a fire 

Smoldering 

White and blue

Unlike red flames 

It's hotter than 

It used to be

But still don't notice 

Crackling (like a fire)

It makes its self known

It doesn't ask for attention 

It also doesn't hide 

It used to be 

Quiet and hidden 

Like a swinging door

Far away  

It was understood 

But able to be smothered 

Pushed and pulled 

Back and forth 

It didn't have a say

It just was 

Obvious 

Confusing 

A contradiction  

Like both sides 

Up and down

Left and right 

I always felt 

Somewhere lost in the middle 

Wanting 

Hoping for a change 

Running 

Hiding

From what was real

True 

Keeping myself 

Distracted 

Amused 

Fed up

Consumed 

I didn't have the courage 

Then and maybe not now

I can't find my feet 

Squarely on the path 

I never could 

It's why I run away 

Even though I didn't want to 

I still don't 

It's not secure 

All so up in the air

It feels so unwanted 

Thrilling 

I am terrified 

It's not like a book

Open 

Shut

Readable 

Clear

Words on a page 

Words in my mind

It doesn't spell out success

It means more turmoil

Rejection

Anxiety 

Facing dead on

Directly what I want 

What's inside 

The truth behind the lies

Getting serious about it

Who I am 

What's to come 

What's for me 

I wish it had a bell

I could ring 

To call it near

Bring it here

Cut out the middle man

Me

My fears 

My mind 

Make it all go away 

Like a town 

Under water 

Frozen

Slain

Quiet 

No drama 

No playing 

It's not like I expect anything 

Or even have the will to hope

Fearful

Not fearless 

Means I am 

On the right track

And now I have to

Look back 

At what's always been there 

What I wanted so long ago

And I have to allow myself to have it

Let my reality change 

And get what I was supposed to

What I threw away 

It was wrong of me

To expect it

To think it would all just 

Go away 

Like clouds drying up

The rain is done 

But it's not

I just have been 

Under an umbrella 

Unable to see it 

Or notice

Truth

Life 

How I never wanted it to

What I wish has been there 

Deep inside its been clear

I just didn't have hope before 

For myself 

So I held back 

Keep myself to myself 

It has gotten me nowhere 

I can't leave this place 

I stay

Sit

Wait 

Dream

I keep on 

Shielding myself 

From internal screams 

Unable to face it 

I have ran out of road

Trying to go the opposite way

Always a dead end before me

But I just kept on and on 

Fucking crashing 

Into the walls ahead 

But they never give way

They persist too

I can't break them

Even though I try

It changes nothing 

Stronghold unbreakable 

Only the ones inside 

Come apart 

And something else 

Comes alive 

Thinking 

Hoping 

Willing 

Moping 

Depressed I often feel

When I am going the wrong way 

I am forcing an outcome 

That isn't right 

But I do turn back

Knowing my mistake 

It doesn't keep me from trying 

To get around another way 

Like an old memory

Repeat the same things 

It's so engrained now 

Like a man made lake 

But it's time 

Time to go 

Time to be 

Time to shine 

Time for me 

Changing lanes 

Not going that way again

But how do I move past it?

It's not yet clear 

It won't be 

So I will take it slowly 

Something creeps 

I won't second guess myself 

Or turn and flee 

Just step by step

My true life awaits

I know I'll find a way

Even though I cannot yet see

It makes sense 

To do this now 

I am finally strong enough 

It took forever and a day

For me to be ok with myself 

Be open to who I am 

I feel like there is 

So much more for me

Like limiting yourself to playing in just a bucket 

When you have the whole beach

I'll take that step

A little lean

And hopefully it will be 

What the new life I need 

Darkness Consuming

Vast consuming darkness

Takes over 

Makes a good try

To get you enslaved 

If you let it 

It will have its way

Snuffing you out 

With all the gray

It will make you think

It's you 

It's your fault 

But only darkness lies that way

Looking past it 

You find the truth 

Keeping your eye on it

Makes you stronger 

Sitting in the dark

Alone

Waiting for a glimmer 

To shine the way

Does it even matter anymore

My heart is again in pieces 

The way it's supposed to be 

I guess 

At least it's how 

People think 

Fear behind pretense 

Life behind walls

It's not like it didn't just happen

Not like I wasn't affected 

Maybe I should be grateful

People are so screwed up

Does that make me safe?

The damage has already been done 

It's a rotten world

And keeps getting confirmed 

Knowing I deserve better 

Knowing this doesn't make it easier 

It doesn't have to be that way

If unconsciousness didn't ruin the day

My heart bursts with pain

I am not happy 

I am glad to be alone

It's so much better than all the games 

I don't want them

But not this way

The truth should have a say

Still hoping it finds its way

But crazy lives a long life 

And fights for control 

I don't expect crazy to let go

Like I didn't expect I would 

But it's the way it is 

At least I am no longer tied 

Tied to the way it was

Tied to the lies unreal 

Taken off the shelf 

When wanted near

And put back in my place 

When it got too real 

Kept at arms length 

Just to fulfill 

That piece inside 

That didn't accept the lies 

The part that knew the truth 

That needed the moment to be real

But fear has a way 

Of taking over 

And I give it up now 

Letting go 

Is good and right for me

It's not like I need to stay 

Outside the walls I am free

Outside the walls is my life 

I have been let go

And the bounty is right there 

I can fly away 

Without ever looking back 

It didn't have to be so wrong 

So right 

I just couldn't pretend anymore 

For peace makings sake 

It could have been received

A better way 

But it's not how it goes 

It makes life unknown 

And I carry on

Still carry on 

Not like I am accused

Of the crime I committed

Was telling the truth

Speaking out against the dark 

And it's only those who are hiding 

That hate the light 

Only those who are criminals 

That hate the law 

It's only those who don't want truth

Who lie and lie 

And when you speak out against it 

You are tied at the stake 

But it doesn't make them right 

It doesn't make you wrong 

They still choke on their shit 

No matter if you're alive or not 

So I would rather be viewed as dead 

Than dead inside

As I can be happy 

Once the fire subsides

The smoke will eventually clear 

Life will go on

I don't regret that 

I don't regret choosing what I want 

I don't want to play along

Keeping myself small

Just to get along

It's harder than this 

Harder than life 

I just wish being banished felt better 

Being betrayed has more delight 

I am however, strong enough 

Wounded

Love has wounded me
Made me believe
To rip it all away
Death faces change

Dying
Reality
People leave
I have learned

I feel like new
Something
Nothing
Different

But still I feel wounded
Unable at times
To deal with the smallest
Confrontation or truth

I hope to believe
I am still steady and strong
Resting below
Waiting to strengthen

As I don't think
This fleeing and avoiding
Person is really me
It's just not who I am

At the core
Foundation
Cemented in
Being me

Just another name
Who has been wounded
I wonder for myself
As I cannot wonder for others

It all seems to be too fucking much
Or am I just making it too real
Maybe it's not real
Only a game to be played

One that was caught
To avoid the real me
The one that sees things
Keeps going no matter what

I suppose I don't hold it against me
The falling flat on my face
I guess it's understandable
And I do understand

I can be
Compassionate
Loving
Supportive to myself

But I don't feel like the
Go getter
Maker of miracles
Stronger than mountains

I know myself to be
But not now
Now I just feel wounded
And scared

Maybe it's the real me
The one that's always been there
Maybe it's not going away
It's possible

Anything is
I have been hurt by more people
In more ways
Unimaginable pain

Has it strengthened me
Grown me
Repurposed me
Chosen me

I don't know
I am still reeling from the after shock
That hit me still
Square in the face

Does that make me strong?
That I keep going
Or is it just easy?
As you don't stop breathing