Being an abused person, you are always looking for someone to save you. When you are a kid and your grandpa is hurting you with his bad parts, you want anyone to walk in and stop it.
I figured out through counseling that I got mad at myself for not being able to stop him so I learned I wasn't strong enough to take care of myself, to protect myself. I constantly wanted someone to save me from whatever hell I was in. Stop the pain and make it go away, as I felt I couldn't do it myself.
Today I learned that I can stop my own pain. It is such a relief to not have to wait or depend on someone else.
I have spent the past four months suffering deep inside the pain of my grandpa and I didn't know how to get out of it. I went to my counseling sessions and did what I was supposed to, but I felt so trapped in a pit of evil.
But today I was able to stop my pain from going to that place where it will soon destroy me. I stopped it with my love for myself and the light from my soul. I made myself feel better. It was awesome.
I actually learned how to love myself today. And it feels good. I have hated myself or spent too much time trying to tear myself down or destroy myself because I was hurt. Makes no sense as, I was hurt, not my fault, and then I hurt myself. I couldn't see it before. But now I am nice to myself.
I love myself. Have loved myself. And I am treating myself with respect and kindness. It actually helps make the monsters go away. Funny. I have been trying to hide from them by being quiet or sitting still inside me or yelling at them to go away and it wasn't until I stopped all the noise and hugged myself that they disappeared.
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