I don't know if anyone out there feels like I do, as life seems to be so lonely sometimes. I mean I have friends and family around me, but still feel so alone.
I guess I am going to get personal, as it seems like it is never ok to talk about the real cause of our pain. But I don't believe we can get better until we do.
My grandfather molested me when I was four years old and I can't remember a time that I haven't been hurting. I feel like I am done for. Like life is never going to get better for me. I am so sick of feeling that way. I am so tired of feeling so obsessed about the past.
I want to live into the future and do so many things with my life, but I am always stopped short of achieving what I want. Something always happens, to keep me from my goal.
I was supposed to be starting a new life in .Chicago, going to Harrington College of Design, but I needed a cosigner as my credit is not quite good enough, and my cosigner will most likely be approved when I can get a few errors removed from his credit report. But it is not going to happen before school starts this semester.
Not the worst news I have ever heard as it seems like I will be able to start in Jan. It might even be a good idea. I could use the next four months to straighten out the things that are wrong in my life. My finances are in need of attention, since I broke my foot and have been out of work. And my dog got hit by a car, he is ok, but it takes money to make him better, nothing bad thank god, but he did need stitches and other care. But this proves my point that I feel like it will never be the right time for me to have the life I want.
I actually don't know what prompted me to move to Chicago as I never planned on going back there. I love it, but I want to move out West, near the beach where it is warm. When I broke my foot I started to think about what else I could do, for work. Out of the blue a man from Harrington College called me. I never even when looking for them, but somehow they got information that I wanted to go to school. I figured it was fate and started thinking it might actually be a good idea. The chance at a new life is what did if for me. I want a new career one that is creative, and the program sounded so good. I have wanted to start taking pictures for a living, but on my salary there is no way I could buy a decent enough camera or equipment to make a living at it. If I just bought a mediocre camera and did some freelance work, it would be years before I could support myself. After I had gotten all the information I made the best choice for myself, and decided to start the process to attend Harrington and move back to Chicago.
I recently got my acceptance letter and it is the first one I ever got. Awesome.
While that looks like it might work out for me, I am still uncertain as so much doesn't. And I say that because I am in the waiting room of life. I don't have what I want, but I guess if I wait long enough I might get it.
I know I can't go on like I have been as for the past five years, I feel like I have been living a crippled life. I have been living with my parents, to afraid to move out, or it hasn't worked out for me to get my own place. I have been trying to support myself on my own cleaning houses business. I am a very good cleaner, probably the best I know, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I am good. I like cleaning ok, but I surround myself with so many people who take from me that cleaning their houses has gotten very unhealthy for me. Plus, I work extra hard and could barely afford to live with my parents, let alone on my own.
It is all so frustrating. I try so hard to get better, to be better, and to give life my best. I try and pay my bills; I don't blow my money on crap. I try and work extra hard on me so that I may get better and can stop living like this. But there always seems to be more shit in my path than I can deal with and it makes me wish I were not alive. I don't get the point sometimes. I feel like I suffer more than I live. And I am sure people will tell me that I can choose a different life, and I have tried that. But if you say that than you don't understand what it is like to be owned by your past. I was young when my abuse wrapped its evil hands around me, I did the best I could to stay alive and get over it.
It is similar to a computer, as program code was hidden all over my brain you could say, when I was young and was being abused. So now when something happens that triggers the code, I react. Half the time I don't even know what I react to. The memory is so old that I can't see it. And it takes finding each and every piece of that code, than deciphering it so that I can understand what it means, than dealing with it, which sometimes includes reprogramming or destroying it. It is a very lengthy process and moves very slow.
And I can't let my guard down for one minute, I can't be myself or relax as I have been programmed that he will come for me, at church, the family picnic, in my own home, in other people's houses. My whole life is some kind of sick shrine to my grandfather. He was abused to and I don't blame him, people tell me I should be mad at him, but I can't. I don't feel it. I don't feel anything. I do protect him I guess, or at least that is what I learned in counseling, that I protect people, my grandfather, my parents, my girlfriend, my family from me. I am afraid that he will hurt them or that he will hurt me because I told. Deep down inside I feel like I am BAD for the people in my life. I actually feel like they are better off without me.
I guess it could be confusing to people who don't understand or know me, especially those who were not abused. Something else is when I was young to deal with the abuse on one hand, and to show the world I am fine to hide the abuse on the other, I created different personalities inside me. I created quite a few people as a lot of other stuff happened to me too.
Most of the time I can't control them, a lot of times we work together, but sometimes I just feel a certain way and that is it. I will not go into much detail now, I will save that for later, but I will say that the youngest one, Jenny is afraid of my grandpa, of course right, and because she feels that way, I feel that way. I can hear her, but can't change her mind. She can learn, I guess as I learn, but we don't have the same experience of life.
It confuses me too.
I have a really hard time reaching out to people, being close to them or letting myself open up. It is hard for me that I can't just be. It is exhausting and unfulfilling.
I feel I will never get anywhere in my life. Like only bad stuff happens to me.
Even more than that, I feel like because I was abused-that's all. That's the end of my story. Like my life should be over, like I am so fucked up and will never be right. Sometimes, I wonder if going into a mental institution will help. I already feel so caged in my mind. Not that I would go to one, I hate being controlled and I am strong enough to deal with the shit, but I can't deal with this much longer. Lately I feel so overloaded that I can't do this on my own. I don't know what to do, dying sounds good, but I don't really think I want to die, but I don't want to live this way anymore.
I have been fighting like hell to get out of this dark pit and I still can't find my way out. It makes me feel pointless and hopeless. I also feel like people don't love me and don't really care about me.
No one cares what happened to me. The people in my life seem to be very interested in their own lives, and most of the time I don't share. What is the point? I feel like a burden for them that I have these problems. Like that annoying neighbor who keeps needing to repair his fence, but he never does and his dog always gets through and shits on your lawn. And of course the annoying neighbor never picks up the shit, he doesn't even know it is there, he doesn't pay attention. (Does anyone get it?) I guess I feel like the annoying neighbor, so I often try and hide myself from the people in my life.
And when I hide, nobody comes looking for me. Nobody. I guess they don't really care. I wonder am I that powerful that by putting up a wall, not anyone can get through? I don't know.
I guess if they knew how I really felt, they might come looking. But if the other neighbors knew what was really going on with annoying one, they might be more compassionate and understanding. As maybe both of his legs are broken and it is a miracle that he and the dog are still alive. He does his best to take care of him and the dog, and can only manage to let the dog out. But he is alone and no one comes looking or cares about him, they just get mad because they have to clean up his dogs shit.
That's not how we seem to be in this world. At least in my experience, we don't seem to care what goes on with the other person as long as their dog doesn't shit on our lawn.
I can see that might sound kind of dark and it might be the abuse talking, but that is how I am feeling. It is also more of what I mean. I can't seem to ever get out from under my abuse. Nobody understands me, not even my abuse survivor friends. They all look at me so weird. I feel like I am the only person in the world like me. I have heightened senses and feel very deeply. And I know when I am alone. I know when nobody comes looking for me. I hurt very much.
Most people in my life can't look deep enough inside me to see the truth. They all stop right at the front door and think they know what it going on. They also take it personal that I don't let them in. I guess I am trying to save them from my pain. I don't know. I just feel alone.
I saw my counselor on Friday, and I was so excited because I thought we might be starting EMDR, which is a way to release the intensity of your past traumas. It was supposed to get rid of my pain. But as it turns out, I am not ready for that step. I have to confront my pain and learn new ways to deal with how I cope.
So we have started a workbook called, "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. It seems promising as I think it might actually help me, but I do have my reservations and wonder will anything ever take away the pain that I feel?
Anyhow, I guess more about that later.
I just want to know, do you feel like I do? Or is life awesome for you.
If you are not afraid to answer, let me know.
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