I am so sorry I was abused

I am sorry to myself, the parts of me that are still hurting.
I am sorry that I can't make it better right now
I am sorry that I didn't know how to make it better
I am sorry that couldn't run away
So sorry I was too small to fight back

I am sorry that I wanted to die when he was hurting me
I am sorry that I was afraid to live because of my pain
I am sorry that I couldn't see in this moment
I am sorry that I traveled so far in the past

I am sorry that what my granpa did to me affected you so much
I am sorry if you hate me
I am sorry if I hurt you
I am sorry that I couldn't make myself feel better
I am sorry that I couldn't make the pain stop
I am sorry that you were hurting too

I wish I could change the past
So that I might not be so screwed up
So that maybe I would be someone who was worth it
Worth you

I am sorry, but I did try my best
Even though I failed you

I wish I could make the pain stop
I wish I could go back and stop what he did
I wish I could kill my grandfather
I wish I could heal my body
I wish my counseling sessions were magical
Or at least moved quicker

I am so so so so sorry
I think I can see what you see
But do you see what I see?