I am sorry to myself

I am sorry to myself
For ever saying I was better off alone
As it is just lonely

I am sorry to myself
For ever pushing her away
I did not know better
And now I know it was never what I wanted

I am sorry to myself
For being too hurt to come out and be with her
As that is truly all I ever wanted
I just didn't know how

I am sorry I couldn't heal myself before
I am sorry I was so stuck in the past
I am sorry I was so blinded by my pain

I am sorry I didn't choose happiness
Sorry I couldn't
And sorry it took many years and hard work to overcome it

I am sorry to myself
for always coming up short
in life for all the things I wanted

I am sorry that
I am still waiting for what I want
And it is hard to believe it is coming
But I am getting there

I am sorry for believing all the lies of my youth
That I was bad
Or Evil
Or wrong for not wanting to be used

Sorry for being so open
That everyone could chew me up
And spit me out

Sorry for not being stronger
And letting countless people hurt me

I am sorry for always wanting more
But never knowing how to get there

Sorry for being so exceptional
That the base line for life
Has never been good enough

And has always caused me to
Push past the shit
To get to more

And at times has been the cause
Of more pain and suffering
But always is worth it

I am sorry I didn't know how
To make it better then
But now I am learning

Sorry I couldn't say no
When I needed it
Sorry I couldn't say yes
When I needed it

Sorry for taking so long to overcome my past
And sorry I that I still have more to go

Sorry that it has been so hard
Sorry it never seemed to get easier
Sorry for all of it

I am sorry
But I am not sorry
As because of all the evil I experienced
It has not made me who I am
But it has shown me who I am

Translator for love

They call me
As they know I can read the signs
And see behind the smoke screen
And through the lies

Into the truth
Past the eyes and mouth
And into the soul
Where stillness and peace exist

Love is an unmistakable thing
And shows up in many different ways
It can be pretty
Or it can be ugly

As if you let love be and love shine
It will be a beautiful thing
But if you try and douse it's fire
Or kick it to the curb and send it away
It will be an ugly thing that hurts everyone involved

But either way
Love is there
Within all of us
Whether we know it or not

And there is a story to tell
One that can't always be seen
But one that usually wants to be heard
And the truth will eventually ring

For someone who loves you so much
And they scream about how they don't
You can bet that they love you
And are just terrified and riddled with self hate

For what is not true
Never needs to be said
It is only what you don't want to believe
That you have to speak very loudly

And in either case
It is a simple thing
One that doesn't go away
And what you resist persists

So resist me my love
Your days are numbered
Or you can just come quietly
And I will love every inch of you

I know I have been neglectful
And I am sorry for that
You might need to spank me
And I will let you

Or you can have it your way
And continue the charade
But I have surrendered to your love
So the fight my angel is with the devil inside yourself

She waits

She doesn't know me
Or know who I am
Or remember me
Or remember how she feels about me

She has forgotten that she cares
Or that she used to want me so bad
She has forgotten that she promised to marry me
And to love me beyond the pain of the past
Or that giving up was not an option between soul mates

She doesn't know she told me that she would keep her promises to me
She can't remember how I taste
Or the smell she loved so much of my hair and body
She has forgotten how we fit into a one
Simple
Perfect
Loud
Creative
Passionate
Lionesses

She doesn't love herself as is
And thinks I want to change her too
But I love and am grateful for every part of her
And just hope she sees it to

She believes I would never change
But I did and still she can't see it
She is so tightly wound into the past
She can't see what is really there

She has been cast aside
To her past
To sit and wait until it changes
But fat chance of that

As the past never changes
Until we do
Until we let go
But still she sits

Alone
Sad
Angry
Tired

She doesn't know how much she loves me or how much I love her
She doesn't remember
She can't feel it
She won't let herself

She has other people inside you know
I have met them
A six year old-scared
A ten year old-hurt and alone
A twelve year old-disoriented and confused
A man-angry and protective like dads are supposed to be
And I think two more
Her and one other

They protect her
They think I am dangerous
Because they love me
So they shut me out

They have been hurt so bad already
By loved ones and even some strangers
And fear more pain is coming
And if they didn't love me
They wouldn't need to shut me out

If SHE was really ok without me
And if it were really over
Then there would be no loudness
That travels through the paper thin walls

All would be silent
And still
And peaceful
And she would have progressed

But it appears that her life has fallen apart
And I am sure that's what is best
As only when our life falls apart can we change
And as hard as it may be for her she will do it

If she is trying to hide away
It doesn't matter
As I already have seen the worst her and the others have to give
And still I love her and them all

Fucking insane how much a like we are
Sometimes too much work
Always looking into a mirror is exhausting
Or I guess it is exhausting fighting who we individually are

But I know
I want to let go of who I am not
So it benefits me that she pushes me so hard
As even now she is the yin to my yang

As if not for her loud behavior
That only screams how she is hurting and scared and loves me
I know because it has been ME my whole life
I would not be finding peace and stillness inside

I understand her
Because I understand me
We are the same
Exactly the same

And where we are different
She teaches me
And compliments me
And I miss her

But life moves on
And I wish her well
And I know at some point
Things will be different

But I don't need anything to change
I accept life for what it is
I love her
She loves me
And I want her

It is when I resist that
That I suffer
It is when I try and run away from how I feel
That I agonize over the present

But when I accept the truth
And stop fighting the moment
I am at peace
And I feel love and sexual energy that dwells down so deep

I am sorry she is hurting
Sorry she can't let go of yesterday
I feel sorry that she has to suffer
And miss the fire that now appears extinguished

I bet she doesn't even play the beautiful guitar I bought her
I bet she watches a lot of TV
I bet she eats out most nights
I bet she thinks I spy to get my information

But I just know her
Have known her
Am the only one who knows her
But she has forgotten me

She deserves more than she got
And if it bothers her that my soul is with her
Then maybe she is just irritated because I can still see her
And she can still see me

But the current state of chaos won't be for much longer
As things are changing once again
As I am accepting the love we share
And still am not going anywhere

Being me today

I used to believe
That I was not supposed to enjoy myself
I thought my entire purpose was to suffer
I "knew" that was the point of it all

I didn't think I could enjoy physical love
And "knew" I was not supposed to
But things are so different now
I do not feel the same way

I know that who I used to be
Was only the forced version of my Granpa
And I know that is not me
It was not even him

He was caught up in his own mess of lies
As his pain turned him into someone he wasn't too
And since he violated my very young mind
I believed about me what he thought about him

But now that my uncle has shone a light
Where it was needed most
I am no longer fumbling in the darkness
As I have seen myself

And in that seeing
I have become myself
And that person is a passionate and sexual being
One that I am still discovering

But one that I am grateful to know
And in looking back
I see
She was always me
I just didn't know

And the little freak
That I knew was inside
Is beginning to thrive
With just me

It amazes me to think
Who she could be-is going to be once she and her meet
I am getting glimpses of her
And it is only the beginning

One that is unfolding like a flower
Sounds corny but it is true
I am seeing more and more of me
And liking everything

And while I still have a ways to go
I also truly know
That I am there
Here

Wherever this moment is
Whatever it brings
It is all me
And that is a very good thing

Started June 11, 2009

Would you do it?

If you were told to love someone
Who told everyone how awful you were
Would you do it?
Or would you be mean and shitty back?

If she told everyone she knew
Personal things about you
And made you look crazy and bad
Could you love her still?

If she asked people not to talk to you
Because she herself wanted to
And couldn't
So all she could do was hurt you
What would you do?

If this person loved you
And was the one person who you knew
Would never turn on you
But then she did
What would you do?

Would you turn on her?
Fire breathed and mean
Would you beat her down
Spread awful things

If she was so loud and unrealistic
And obviously not ok without you
And made sure everyone thought poorly of you
What would you do?

Would you love her still
Or would you tell her to fuck off
And put her down and shove her face in her shit
And dance on the past

Or could you stand firm
With your heart in your hand
And love in your mind
And say "But I love you still!"
"And I am not going anywhere!"

Knowing why she yells so loud
Or what she is afraid
Knowing what lies beneath the surface
Would it make a difference for you?

Would knowing that she truly loved you
Didn't know how to show it or let it be
Didn't know truly what she does or who she was
And that she is just terrified

As what if she was just afraid of herself
Afraid of hurting you
So she pushes you away
But it hurts you anyway

But it is ok
Would You love her still?
And could you stay?
What would you do?
Could you see the best in her?

With people calling you crazy
You might feel persecuted
And people will think you are a stalker
Even though you are only saying:

I love you
And want to help you heal
And am here for you
And am not going anywhere

And as the forces ripped you two apart
And as they try to bring you down
And you know they had a hold of her
Would you let them win the both of you?
What would you do?

As so much has happened
And it might make you want to run away screaming
And you might try
Again and again and again

But deep down you know different
You know how being next to her makes you feel
Completed, satisfied, and at peace
You know what is true and right

How your heart has never stopped singing for her
And your thoughts run vivid with imagination
You dream of making love to her again and again
And your body feels it and you feel it

But she doesn't believe
You, or anything you say
And you question yourself and if you have really healed
But Deep down you know it's true

And the funniest part could be
That all she wanted was a full relationship with you
And you could give that before
But am sexually freed now
And still she pushes you away

She can't see how it could change
She doesn't get you needed alone time to deal with you
And now that you have had it
Everything is different, but yet so much is still the same

So all you can do is stand two feet back
And wait with open arms
Will she show? You wonder
But you truly don't know

As she has said nothing to you
But fuck off
First it came out mechanical and nice
Then it came out like fire and ice

You ask for a conversation to end the past
She lies and says she already gave you one
But nothing has been tied up
And you begin to see the emptiness of her lies

As if she did want you to leave
Why can't she tell you to your face after 9 years
And if she did want you to leave
Why does she she get so mad and so upset

Things are not always how they seem
And while you might be at peace with being single
You still wish for just her
Doesn't she get that?

Doesn't she see that she is the only one for you?
So many others tell you that they wish you could be there's
But your heart longs for just her
She who pushes you away
And then gets mad for you pushing her away

As the mere suggestion of love freaks her out
So you give her time
And it never seems to come
Do you give up?

You try
You do
You try again
And then you are told to love her and believe

And you realize
She is not the only one who is struggling
You both are
Two peas in a pod

But the difference is
You are telling everyone who approaches you
She is just hurting and scared
And to give her a break

You are saying to everyone who butts in
As you do not go looking for any info about her
And you do not include anyone in how you are and how you feel
In fact, you tell them that this is only between you and she

But when they get involved and come calling you say to them
"Please just forgive her."
"It is not really her, she can't help it right now."
She is just hurting, why she yells so loud
Because you know the truth and know who she is

And you haven't seen her in over a year now
But know she still exists inside there
And she is still worth it
But life gets hard

And she gets mean again
And you catch yourself as you fall
And hang on to whatever you can
Which makes you smoke too much
As what she says cuts you, but you still let it go

Trouble is life has taken it's toll
And the past is still locked inside the future
You can't reach hers to release it
So you wait

You cry
Your mourn
You believe
You give up

Then you come back
Accept the love you share as what is
And try and focus in the moment
Even though you struggle

What would you do?
Any of that?
Or something completely different?
Or is it too absurd a question?

It is a beautiful thing
When someone will not bend to the will of the world
And just be
And that is what I am doing

As I could run
But know my heart and soul remain inside her
And so I would not get very far
But truly I know I don't want to go

So for me
I might not be the only person in the world
Who would hang on when all hope seems lost
But all but one person tells me to let go.
But I think that she is worth it!

So for me
I will stand with my heart in my hand
Two feet back I sit and wait
"What would you do?"

If she shows I will be happy
And at least I will know
That I did not leave her in this place
As all I want is for her to heal and be happy

And that I am fighting for what is truly most important in this world
And it doesn't matter what you think about me
Or what you would do
Maybe you would do the same thing too

I only posed the question
Because I figured while there might be one or so persons out there like me
I am the only one I know
Who would look beyond the surface until I saw her face truly

And in that gaze
I choose to wait
As she is so worth every bit that I have to do
And I am learning so much too
And find myself so grateful for her

Judgmenting life

Judgment

All consuming
Sucks me dry
My thoughts become intertwined
Inside this lie

That I have to know
How it will all go
And I have to see
What the fuck will be

Or otherwise
It might be a surprise
And it could hurt
Or try and bring me down

As once it succeeded
In beating me to the ground
I was young and small
And believed all

All that was done to me
Was my fault
And that I was the same as my granpa
Evil, bad and wrong

So I started to judge myself in a new way
One that gave me no freedom
As I did not see another way
To let myself be

I had chosen without knowing
That I would carry his burden
And when I saw whom he was
I knew who I had to be

And judgments became me
And my life became his
And I didn't even know it as
I became many other people

Secrets frozen in time
Deep inside of me
It is hard to overcome them
But learning how I am grateful

But still judgments seem to rule
And my throne is littered with
The wrongs and should have been's
And I still can't see to clearly

My crown has such a distress upon it
My jeweled robe sits upon me
Heavy with so much self doubt
As being in the moment is almost impossible

But through it all I am learning
Learning who I am
And who I will be
As life is merely moments in a quickly moving time

And the most important thing
That I have seen is
Loving everyone no matter what
And to do that giving up all judgments is important

What helps me do that
Is righting everyone every time
Forgiving everyone every time
And being open and honest

As the quickness of life
Fades and folds slowly in the past
And what you see
Is what is, it becomes reality

And in the mere moments we are here
We can choose how it will be
But we have to act quick
As time is fading fast
And if we let it, it will be gone

Fear is the biggest contributor
Where judgments are concerned
It keeps most people running away
As if you are judging someone
You are not loving them

And most people are afraid of love
Giving or receiving
Pain, hurt, rejection and abandonment
Aid people in their protecting

But nothing really protects you like love
Judging yourself is just as bad
And it is my biggest weakness
I have a fetish with beating myself down

Maybe I am sadomasochistic
Or maybe I like it rough
Either way when fear comes calling
I start judging and shut down

I suppose old habits die fucking hard
And to ease the burden I once carried
I will give myself a fucking break
And let it all go

And notice it was not so very long ago
That I believed I would be punished severely
For being bad and evil
Which now I know is not true

So I suppose I can give myself a break
And remember how far I have come
And be grateful and proud of that
And the goddamn judgments can fuck off

All about me

Everything I feel
Is about me
Everything I say
Is about me

Every bit of anger
Is about me
Every bit of sadness or self pity
Is about me

Every twinge of fear
Is about me
Every ounce of pain
Is about me

Everything
Everything
Everything
Is about me

And all the same is true for you
About you
Everything you feel, do or say
Is JUST about you

As if you are angry with someone
Take a close look at yourself
You will find the cause of your anger
Hidden inside you

And with that cause of emotion
Comes a choice
One that you can make different
If you know what you are choosing

The feelings, thoughts and actions
That you experience
Are all connected to
They all stem from and are caused by you

I am angry for instance
At people who kill and eat Tigers
Makes me mad
Very fucking mad

I want them all to die
Choking on their gluttony
I am so mad
But truly I am not mad at them
It is just easy to point my finger

As they are the ones doing it
But truly I am mad at me
Because I feel powerless to stop it
And I believe I will lose and they will win

If I believed instead for example
That they were stopping the poaching
And the Tigers were flourishing
I would not be mad at them

Or if I believed that I could make a difference
And stop the path of destruction
I would not be mad at them
While I am working to change it
I still am afraid they will win

Most anger or all anger, covers up FEAR
So if you are angry
And can be brave and notice the truth
It will give you power and choice

Everything we think
Everything we feel
Everything we do
Is about us

No one else can truly be blamed
We are 100 percent in power at all times
Even if we don't see or believe it
It may be easier to shun the responsibility
But it is not true

We are responsible
Doesn't mean we are to blame
No one has to be
As blame is a negative power trip

But life happens
So what do you do when someone pisses you off
I would suggest that you breathe
And take a moment to see

And ask yourself "who or what am I really mad at?"
And if you can be honest
You might see
That the answer is not so terrible

But you have the power and the choice
To NOT let it disrupt your life
And rob you of the pain and happiness
That is there inside hiding under the anger or fear

And if you can recognize it for what it is
And make better choices
Other people won't control you anymore
As your emotions will once again be your own

And you will have the option
To choose what it is that you really want
And you will stop reacting And blaming
Which I find very ugly and unattractive

Like when you didn't see a car as they came out of no where
And you cut them off on accident
I mean you are human and make mistakes, it happens
And they flick you off, yell fuck you bitch and honk and are a problem for the next four stop lights
So tacky, get control of yourself people!!!!

Well in my opinion, those people are not mad at you
They are mad at themselves because they didn't see you
And because you might have come out of nowhere
And they could of DIED!!!

And they did die
In their mind
And that is where the fear comes from
But fear is scary and anger is easier

So blaming you is the best option
And they could have learned so much
In that tiny fraction of life
But they chose instead to harass you

And that negative shit they spew
Truly only hurts them
So instead of flicking them off too
Let it go and time will get them in the end

And if they decided differently
And turned their mean attention to them
They could confront their fear of death
And maybe even found a way to get peace with it

Or at the very least could have been positive to you
People are not awake
They walk around dead or asleep
They don't even know what they do
Do YOU?

Dead for being in so much pain
And asleep by not caring or wanting to change
It is evolution or extinction
You either change and grow
Or it is over

As when someone hurts you
You experience pain, most often
We are told from childhood to get hurt and angry
As it is what our parents learned

Did you ever hurt yourself on an inanimate object when you were young
And someone held you
But told you to hit the "whatever" because it was "bad" to you
That moment taught you many things

The first was to be upset and hurt
The second was to get angry at the perceived cause
The third was to enact revenge for release
And all of that you were told would make you feel better

But you could have been taught a different way
One that brought about happiness
They could have taught you that in that moment you were hurting
The pain is real and they could have consoled you

Then they could have shown you how to get over it
How to choose a more productive way
One that brings joy from within
One that does not rely on getting revenge

As all life is truly a choice
And we don't know that
So we can't choose
We are locked inside this way to live

But how do we feel better about it?
We choose it
How do we get past something?
We forgive it

How do we find peace?
We let go of the anger
How do we heal our hurts even the scars?
We love them and ourselves

It's all a choice
Problem is we don't know we can make a different one
The only one running the show is us
Not even God, they gave us free will

It is just you
You who decides you are not happy
You who decides you can't lose weight
You who decides you have to be alone
You who decides it is better to spew shit and lies about other people then to deal with yourself

And the same is true for me
And everyone else on this planet
We are all connected
We are all the same

And that is truly the point
One that goes unseen and overlooked
But there is true power in your love
And true misery in your hate

And if you get that
You will be happier
If you understand that
You will find peace

You decide what kind of life do you want to live
What do you want to give the world
And you're not as bad as you might think
So I suggest you choose with an open heart and let go of all the rest

Forgiveness sake

Forgiveness
Important
Over looked
Freeing

Deserves it's true credit
As the power from forgiveness
Is unmatched and mighty
But it has such a bad rap

People think so many things
Things that are not true
They don't get the full power if it
And how it helps you let go

They think Things like
"Forgiveness means to say you are sorry."
Or "Forgiveness means to say the other person is right."
Or "forgiveness means to say whatever they did to you was ok."
Or "Forgiveness is letting them get away with what they did to you."
But none of these are true

If I slapped you and ran away
Being angry at me
Would not hurt me
But it would hurt you

That negative energy
You have for me
Hurts you first
And doesn't really affect me

But if you could let that slap go
You might find you could be free
From me hurting you
And you hurting me

And that is the point
The point of it all
It is a higher form of love
And one that is important

As going through life and holding it all inside
Is an awful way to live
And it creates too much hate
And jealousy or revenge

Sickness and Illness
Both physical and emotional
Cancers and disease
I believe is mostly caused by keeping it inside

As all those and other negative things
Will hurt you first
Long before they hurt me
You just don't see it

Probably because you are too focused
On what was done to you
TO SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING TOO

As your revenge is not better
And two wrongs never make a right
But what you can't see
is the negative impact on you

Not even when bad shit happens
Do you see that it was because of what you did
You only think life is shitting on you more
Trust me as it had all happened to me

Let go
Say "I forgive," with each pain or hurt
That includes yourself too
Even when you can't believe or see a way
Forgive

Forgiveness seems to be the hardest
And there is not a lot of teaching about it
It is not widely understood or talked about
And most people don't know how to use it

And sometimes if you can forgive others
You might not be able to forgive yourself
And you might not see you need to
But forgiving ones self is crucial

Sometimes it is important to do first
And it might clear a path to forgiving them
As a whole lot of the time
We are really mad at ourselves

We vent our anger at them
It is always easier to tear down someone else
Then to look at ourselves
But it is more fulfilling to see inside

You can't ever change another
But you can change yourself
And you are worth the fight
So I suggest you give it your all

Forgive with a tender heart
And all your pains will be revenged
But not by you
Karma will get them all in good time

And you won't have your hands dirty
No blood will be spilled on your account
And you will feel better for it
Try it and see for yourself how freeing it can be

People often feel
That forgiveness is giving in
They often think they can only forgive
Once the wrong was righted

But forgiveness is righting
Those wrongs yourself
And giving you what that person
Could not

Sometimes people want to give you more
But they just don't have it
Many people are broken
And they can only give you what they have

But you don't have to take
Everything so damn personal
As maybe the only thing that is truly about you
Is how YOU feel and what YOU do

People often misunderstand
Their own feelings
As they don't see how their anger
Or fear hurts them first

As I know that
It might seem like
It is up to you
To refute what was done

But if you let it go
I assure you
All hateful things
Will be returned to the one

It is as simple
AS the laws of nature
As for every action
There is a reaction

For every negative action
There is a negative reaction
And every positive action
There is positive reaction

Which side do you want to be on
The giving and receiving good
Or the giving and receiving bad
As it is truly a choice you make

And I know for me the burden
Of carrying someone else's shit around
Gets heavier and heavier
And I don't want it

So I choose to step out of their negativity
Like I am taking off dirty pants
And I won't pick them up again
As no matter what is done to me
I deserve more and that is why I choose to let it all go!