Being me today

I used to believe
That I was not supposed to enjoy myself
I thought my entire purpose was to suffer
I "knew" that was the point of it all

I didn't think I could enjoy physical love
And "knew" I was not supposed to
But things are so different now
I do not feel the same way

I know that who I used to be
Was only the forced version of my Granpa
And I know that is not me
It was not even him

He was caught up in his own mess of lies
As his pain turned him into someone he wasn't too
And since he violated my very young mind
I believed about me what he thought about him

But now that my uncle has shone a light
Where it was needed most
I am no longer fumbling in the darkness
As I have seen myself

And in that seeing
I have become myself
And that person is a passionate and sexual being
One that I am still discovering

But one that I am grateful to know
And in looking back
I see
She was always me
I just didn't know

And the little freak
That I knew was inside
Is beginning to thrive
With just me

It amazes me to think
Who she could be-is going to be once she and her meet
I am getting glimpses of her
And it is only the beginning

One that is unfolding like a flower
Sounds corny but it is true
I am seeing more and more of me
And liking everything

And while I still have a ways to go
I also truly know
That I am there
Here

Wherever this moment is
Whatever it brings
It is all me
And that is a very good thing

Started June 11, 2009