Unleashed

I am untapped
Sexually charged
Passionately filled
Ready in wait

I have reached a plateau
And am where I have been trying to go
I am there
I am here

I am this moment
I believe
I see
I am love and light

I am unleashed
To be just me
A rare commodity
A precious stone

I am ready to go
To let all my pent-up-ness go
To be opened like a flower
And sucked on sweetly

I am ripe for the picking
Nothing to overcome
Nothing to see
As I just need to be aware

Just be me
Me, who is now
Not me yesterday
As that girl is gone

I see her like a faded memory
I get who she is
I know she is not me
I have no regrets about this

I am opened up
Like an old creaking door
That never thought it would emerge
Never thought it would be

I am new
I am old
I am me
And that is what I love most

I have spent most of my life
Caged
Imprisoned by my fears
Shut down
Lonely on purpose

I have been wrong
Sorry
Created much drama
Much separation

But none of that was me
I am beautiful and kind
Talented and passionate
In love with me and my life

I have been let go
With an early parole
I am ready and unleashed
But in no hurry

As this moment is right
It is perfect and kind
I am just there
I see it, the top

And sometimes
It means you need to be about others too
I get I am here
But there is still much for me to do

I am responsible
For what takes place for me
But also for people in my life
Ones I most hold dear

As I do play a role with them as well
As I am willing to give
Not just receive
And I think it is truly about that as well

I am excited for my future
As I look on I see what I want
I feel happy to know me
And to love me

I feel cherished by those who know me best
I do not feel beaten down any longer
I feel like I have risen above it all
Become who I was meant to be

I have such gratitude for everything
Hard and horrible that I had to go through
Tough and dirty that showed me who I am
Painful and stretching that showed me the way

I accept it all
I invite what I most want to happen in my life
I embrace not just who I am
But also who I am becoming

I am me
Wonderful and beautiful me
And I am satisfied with just that
And I am ready for so much more

Ready for all I wanted
But never thought I could get
Ready for all I needed
But never could ask

I am on fire
Sweet and sensual
I am passionately ablaze
Inside my delicious form

It is the most amazing feeling
To know you have worked so hard
For a year and half at something
Something, many things, me, my life
That you never thought you would get to

And it is amazing to finally be one
One with who you knew you would be
One with what you saw would take place
Inside, I mean
As I knew that was the point

What I most worked on changing
As the outside looks so similar
But it doesn't matter
Hasn't in a while

The outside is easily changeable
It's the inside that you have all the hard work
But also all the control
And when you change that
The outside changes too

I am raw
I feel Intensely able
I have seen my Intelligence and strengths
And I feel Imaginatively me

It is so good to be here
And I am so grateful
For all the hard shit
I went through

As without it
I would not know myself
Or love myself
Or be myself

Things happen for a reason
Even the hard stuff
And the unthinkable
Serves it's purpose

As now I am self sufficient
Something I always wanted to be
I not just take care of me physically
But emotionally and mentally

And all that had to happen
To bring me here
Was worth it
Even thought it hurt and was hard

And since I arrived
I am ready for what's to come
Excited about my next journey
As it is about to begin

And whence I used to be afraid
Now I am not at all
But instead I am boldly walking forward
To meet my sweet future

I receive everything I ever wanted
As knowing I can have it
Makes it so
And everything was worth it to get me here

Life is what you make of it
Things happen that we are ready for
And it isn't until you get that
That you can have it

It is why I will always be grateful to my hell
As it taught me most what I don't want
And most what I do want
And with both of those I continue to climb

Up the next mountain
On to my next journey
As life doesn't stop
Because you have arrived

As you have always been there
And seeing that was also the point
But lessons keep coming
And I take them all in stride

With my overwhelming love and gratitude
I keep hiking, but not alone
Starting the new year off right
Just in time to greet 2010

Love
Light
Me
Life

Changes over time
Make it all possible
And I believe everything I feel is right
And the truth will not be a surprise

I am worth it
I deserve it
With acceptance for me and my life
And I am ready and excited for all that awaits

Walking up walls

Take me down to the bottom
Let me see what's inside
As if I don't understand it
I'll never be able to get any higher

Sitting in my muck alone
Is appropriate for what I am learning
If I don't understand it
I can't change it

I have to go down
In order to go up
And while sometimes it is hard
It is good for me

All for a purpose
All inside me
And I am learning
Profound things

But sometimes it just seems
Opposite of good
Like I will never get there
Or be done with this path I am on

Done with this hardship
Awake and happy
Done with the separation
Trying so hard

Sometimes
Even though I see the reason
The truth is not apparent to me
And I feel foolish or left behind

And sometimes
I feel the in between
Me and what I see
And this dream

Closer it comes
The more I see
The more I understand
About me

Opposites
In my mind
Take control
And keep me grounded

Letting go
Gives me freedom
Hope fills me up
Hopefully for a reason

But darkness
Or doubt
Laughter makes it flee
And still all I see is me

Me and this thing
Sometimes both together
Sometimes they take turns
And other times my heart just burns

Going up
To go down
Why I feel so turned around
Life seems to be scooting by

And I can't understand
What my mistake still is
I feel so foolish
Like I don't control my mind

I want to make these changes
But sometimes I still fall back on my face
And I used to kick myself a lot for this
And now I know it does no good

So I just accept my failure
Sit with me
And try and find some fucking peace
But it only comes in rationed amounts

Until I break on through
To the other side
Than I am flooded with all
And I feel at ease inside

Instead of putting myself down
I learn what else to do
But sometimes still feel so fucking confused
And not yet freed

But it doesn't matter now
As I am learning how to be me
Which is a full time job
One that I do seriously

And the progress I have made
Doesn't amount to much
But it's not over yet
As I know I am not done

And I am not as confused
Or full of pain
Not like yesterday
When all it did was rain

But now drama still hits my side
But honestly
Rarely
Is it mine

Something else for me deal
And while I have the me project still
Changing and growing
Over time

But as much as I put in
The work is still all mine
And I see that it is not as hard as before
But still can't budge open the fucking door

Maybe I can scale the wall
I am making good progress
It is the long way about
When the door is right there

I know it won't be opened
Until I have yet to see it all
And in time it will be so simple
And then I will be one with what I see

But I am not one who sits and waits
I take all things in my own hands
Turning and churning them
Until they become what I want

I say what happens in my life
I say what goes
It is not about anyone else
Never was

I am responsible
I am king
And until I get that
I won't get a thing

That I see or desire
Burning and dancing in this sweet fire
But since it was told long ago
I have learned to believe it so

Believe first in me
And second in how to do most anything
And the rest I just sit and wait
As I have already seen my fate

And I choose it
I accept it
I have learned to let it be
Be, me who is now

It is worth every bit of my time
Worth all of this line by line
And when I reach the point of execution
I will not run away this time

Needed

I need so many things
I need you
I need me
I need to be loved as I am

I need to be touched
Gentle and comforting
I desire much
And have pretended different my whole life

I need to understand me
Accept me as I am
I need to put my needs first
And not ignore them anymore

I need to right all the wrongs
Of my troubled youth
I need someone to see me as I am
Know I am loved beyond a shadow of a doubt

And not forget who I am
Or that I am human too
A human with needs
As opposed to whom I tried to be

Be because he touched me
And I couldn't understand
My brain got all fuzzy
And my heart got cemented over

I think it's the reason why
I never wanted to be touched
Because really I do
And was afraid people wouldn't

Or afraid they would touch me
And hurt me
In a bad way, like he did
Not love me

It is most confusing
And I can see now
I created distance and separation
My whole life

I need to be forgiven
By myself first
I need to be forgiven
By you next

I need to be aware
Of what happens to me
And aware of what others really want to do
And stop looking to see what I want to see

I need to be made love to passionately
By one person only
As I have played the field
And find it most unfulfilling

I need one pussy
To satisfy me fully
One that I love
One that I understand

And one that has stuck with me
Through all kinds of hell
I need to be loved
And love only that one

I need to be comforted
While I cry
I need to have a reason to live
And let go of who I used to be

I need to see myself
As the amazing gold mine
I truly am
Even though I am flawed

Flawed like the number of twinkle stars
Overwhemling and bright
Especially seen on a clear night
But not even wrong

As I need to also see we are all flawed
And even with my many failures
I am succeeding with grace and style
And life is not so bad

I need to see the good too
Not just what I need to work through
But how far I have come
And truly the difference I have made

And how loved I am
I need to remember that too
As I am loved by many
So many people to love back too

I need to see
How bold and fearless I am
The strength I have amazes me
And I need to see it for what it is

I need to also see
That I do whatever it takes
To love someone
Or free myself from my self hate

It is amazing
And phenomenal
And pretty cool too
And this I need to see as me

What a gift I am
When I let myself be
And listen to ME
Not my fears

As I need to live in this moment
And see it's glory for me
And shuck the past
And be who I am

I need to be respected
And not pushed away
I need to be pulled close
And know it is ok

I need to let others in
And trust they want the best for me
Will be there for me
And not test me anymore

I need to write everything I feel
And share it too
And then let it go
So I can emerge

I need to create everyday
Write, paint, act, and play
I need to let loose my artistic side
And uncover more of me

I need to accept the love I feel
Stop fighting it
Stop trying to make you and it go away
I need to let it be

As I feel best when I do
When I accept this moment
And all that is in it
Including you, I feel life is sweet

When I try and push you away
I suffer until I let it be
And what I am learning
As accepting is what I need

I need to let the past go
So I don't push people away
Making the same unhealthy mistakes
As the moment says to love

And when I seclude my heart
And cover myself
I am not being in the moment
But letting the love be is so what I need

Easier said than done
But I am almost there
As I am learning what the point is
And am almost ready to see it through

I need to stop wallowing
In self pity and doubt
But be optimistic about what is coming
Even though it remains to be seen

I need to bring forth
My hearts most desire
Really give it my all
And for you too

As it has been the point of it all
To see that I could do it
To be who I truly am
To be open to myself

And I am learning
Maybe I haven't arrived yet
But I am learning
And letting go of who I am not

I am changing many things
And giving myself so much of what I need
I am taking care of myself in a new way
And the rest I see will wait

And in time I will get all else that I need
What I have already seen
And for now it is ok
Because most of all I just need me

Me vs my ego

I feel alone
Ordinary
Lied to
Needy

I feel extraordinary
Powerful
Strong
Passionate

Nothing changes
Everyone lies to me
No one loves me
Promises never get kept

I see beautiful things
Down the road my life rocks
With everything I want or need
I am patient enough to get there

It's never gonna happen
It's just been promised to me
But we all know how that "really" goes
Why does everyone hate me?

It's gonna happen faster than I think
My hearts tells me so
And I have learned how to ignore what I think
I am loved by many, even you,

I screw up everything
If I touch it I ruin it
I am ruined
No hope for me yet

If I listen to my hearts most desire
I can make most anything happen
And the things I am learning are worth the journey
I am grateful for all this truth that has been given

Fuck it
Fuck everything
I just want to disappear
And not do anything

I will accomplish many things
Anything I put my heart and positive mind to will be mine
Believing is the key
I am doing it, everything

I want to start a new life
One that just has me and only me
One that I can find freedom
And where no one leaves

I love my life as it is
I am gifted and happy
I have the most awesome talents
And aren't afraid to use them

Blah
I feel blah
Nothing in and nothing out
Don't give anyone anything

Nothing ventured
Nothing gained
I am already on top of what is coming
It is because of me that my life is changing

I don't care
I don't like anyone
I wish I were dead
No one understands me

I don't have to pay attention to that
I deserve more especially from me
I am happy as I am
Life is good

I am love
I am light and forgiveness
I am human
I am me

I am hate
I am darkness
And don't care what goes to waste
I also don't know the truth

I have learned the difference
Between me and my ego
Although sometimes
I still get confused

I just have to remember
If it makes me feel bad or sad
Afraid or hate
Than it is the ego

As for me I only feel right
Love and light
And all the other bullshit is not me
It's not you either

But wonder did I fool you
As you think all these things might be true
But until you turn around the negative
The truth will never be seen

Fiery Winged Lioness

These are the attributes that each element of my tattoo, represent
about me and who I am becoming or how I feel.


Fiery winged Lioness
(whole thing represents)

Animals everywhere free
Animals protected by the Light
One with Mother Nature
Spreading your wings and being who you are
My commitment to Lions and all animals
Making a difference
Be


Fire

Passionate
Fire sign
Firey
Dancing in fire
Dancing in my fire
Dancing in Jens fire
Powerful
Strong
Resilient
Bold
Unbreakable
Unaffected
Not controlled
Makes up it's own mind
Truth-what you see is what you get
Content
Being what it was created to
Really being at peace being self
Newness
Starting over
Wild
Energy
Raw
Hard layer burned off
Softness exposed
Vulnerable
Sultry
Be


Female Lion

Leo
Lioness
Fierce
Loyal
Strong
Powerful
Determined
Bold
Doesn't give up
Try, try again
Teamwork
Share
Accepting of help and support of others
Living life on own terms
Not settling
Making it happen
Guiding force
Being who was created to be
Content with self
Nurturing
Caring
A good mother, attentive and accepting
Gentle
Passionate
Fiery
Going to tackle person, problem or issue and work it out and make it
work until it does
Never give up
Seeing life simply
Get what want most
Fun
Laughing
Bonding
Together most happy
Living in the moment
So forgiveness for everything and everyone all the time
Be


Wings

Flying
Soaring
Reaching new heights
Able to see self and others from a different view
Not attached to life
Life constantly is changing, moving
Learning how to be safe and accepted in new places
Learning how to comfortable without a permanent place
Happy anywhere
Happy here, now
Love life
Able to move on to better me
Not stagnant
Static?
Comforted
Sheltered by self
Peaceful
All I need is me
Truly contented by self
Able to free self
Powerful
Strong
Be


Crown

Queen
Elegant
A good leader
Noble
A snob-with food
Only certian things are good enough
True
Supportive
Strong
Stable
Fun
Wise
Master at what I seek
Teacher
Student
Seeking council when appropriate
Going it alone when appropriate
Doing without at times
Always getting what I need
Living in the moment
Love
Live
Life
Be

Not a word

Not a word is said
Once their minds are made
And not another thought is given
Once the tracks are laid

Silence
Quiet
Eerie and stoic life becomes
As how can you NOT say another word?

Don't you want freedom?
Peace and completion
How can you carry this shit/the past
And NOT EVER look back?!

How can you contend with the lies you spin
Sitting in your own web
Waiting for it to do you in
And of course for it all you blame me

Like you were my robot
And I had the remote
And I made you do all sorts of evil
But you don't see it that way

All because things you didn't want to hear
Were said anyway
As you can't handle your own life
So you can't listen to an outside view

Things are said
It doesn't mean you have to respond or act
In fact, a truly responsible grown up
Knows how to LET shit go

And if you don't
You only can look to yourself
As it is your decision to hold onto it
And it DOESN'T FUCKING matter what I said

If you get upset over things people say
You spend your whole life reacting
Or you corner yourself in
And can never come out

But an easier way
Is to ignore or let it go
And they are actually options
That YOU can control!

Children blame others
They even blame inanimate objects for their pain
They don't see how they had a role
In the fact the corner hit their toe

But an adult will recognize
That if they had moved a little to the right
They would not have been in so much pain
They see they have a choice

And adults that are truly grown
Also learn how to let the pain go
Children don't get the difference
So I guess we figured out what you are

Not to be rude
But after 13 years
Walking away
And sending a one line text

Is pretty fucking childish
Selfish, stupid and not right
And all I wanted to do
Was leave love and completion in your sight

As I am not like you
I don't want to be
I am much better than that
I can find love still

I can give it
As hardness of heart and lies and games
ONLY affect me
And I KNOW I deserve better

Maybe you don't
Maybe you feel so shitty about yourself
Maybe not
I don't really care anymore

I am just going off on how you act
Mean and childish
And a sad sorry sight to see
Glad I don't have to anymore

And here is a tip
If it leaves someone hurting or scared
It is evil you are bleeding
And you can run, but not hide

As your own shit
Will get you in time
And you can try and blame me
But it will never be my fault!

As you did the walking
Over what
I still don't know!
As you can't even say so!

What a fucking waste
And most definitely a shame
But while you carry it and me too
I let the past go and move on

How can someone walk away
Over mere words
Simple words
A, E, I, O, U and all the constants too

How can people let what is said
Dictate what they do
Or how they think
It just doesn't make any sense

At least not to me
As I am a different type
I can see past the lies and pain
In to what is real

I suppose it is embarrassing
To change your mind and all
But when your heart breaks
Do you mend it or put it away?

As if it were me
What I was doing
Leaving over something stupid
Would break my heart

So much that I would want to make a new start
Put the past where it belongs
Safe and snug and right
And keep it there as not to fight

And start new
Laugh and sing
And move forward
And let the past be complete

But other people
Are NOT me
And while I can see inside
I don't understand, at all

So I wonder
I ponder and I think
What would it be like?
If that were me?

And it is hard for me to know
But I feel the anger screaming through the walls
I feel the pain tumbling on the floor
I see the hurt crying out of the eyes

I feel the room fill up with pain and regret
I see the desire to make things right
I understand the wish that all was not said
Because they cannot forgive

I sense the regret
And the way too much pride
I see how fallen people can be
And in time I wish them to truly see

She can't

She can't help herself
Afraid of what's to come
Feels shitty about who she is
Is envious of me

She is afraid of me
Afraid to face herself
And since I have overcome my past
She feels like she has to

But she doesn't want to
It scares her so
She doesn't know how
To make the past heal

She doesn't like it that I can help myself
As when did that happen
We were both the same
Her and me

For thirteen years the same
And now I am free
And desire many new things
And am going after them

And that scares her to bad
She can't have that
It isn't what she knows
And her fear swallows her whole

So instead of admitting
That she could be more like me
She must leave
As she thinks it means being free

But it will never have a fucking thing to do about me
And until she understands that
It won't rest inside her
And I bet she will still blame me

And that is ok
I am prepared to lose her
I will sacrifice our friendship
Just for her to move past this place

All I did was speak the truth
Something I have seen
Chains and boxes she is in
Trying to set her free

She just sits and waits
For what is her fate
And she remains unhappy
But doesn't see herself

And life is moving on
But she doesn't see it
Love is coming close
But she can't feel it

And I am walking away
Loving myself every day
And making anything and everything happen
And one day soon I will have it all

But for her it's never gonna be my fault
This shit people put upon me
Can only effect me if I let it
So with them I drop it too

And focus upon myself
Beautiful and talented
Powerful beyond all imagination
Going many places

I don't need those who can't follow
I don't see those who let fear take control
I am not in the business of saving anymore
So do it yourself

As I am nobody's life raft
But my own
If I save you
Who will save me

As you aren't even drowning
You just think you are
And for me to save you
Is only enabling you

I take care of me
And you take care of you
Asking for help is not so bad
But you must depend upon yourself

And that is what I have learned
What I see
And what feels right to me
So don't take it personal

But I wish you luck
With all you do
And most definitely Happiness
As no matter what I love you

And when you see my art up
All around town
Don't be sad
As I know we planned on doing it together

But look inside
And you'll see
That you weren't ready for what I was
And that's the real reason why you had to leave

Divorced

Back in April of 2009
I recently got married
I married my best friend
And so shortly after it has come to an end

I am divorced now after 13 years of friendship
It was a quick and almost painless procedure
As I had no legal bullshit to deal
The law doesn't recognize me you see

And this marriage was the no sex kind
And the law would never recognize that
Or would they
Two faced Bastards

Maybe if gays promised not to have sex
The law might go along with it
I bet they would
Fucking control freaks

I bet most of the gay haters
Are jealous as they can't come out
Anyhow off topic
So back to me

Oh yeah
I am single again
Left at the alter once more
I suppose it is good for me

Divorced
Over something stupid
Isn't it always
People don't get the point

They don't see that in the end
The stupid things people say or do
Won't matter
And with forgiveness you can begin anew

But my heart feels hurt
And I am sad
I miss her
And she is not the type to forgive

She kicks people out
For many many reasons
If they do what she doesn't like
Or just cross an imaginary line

And I get she is scared
And hurt
As getting kicked out of her house was an unexpected turn
But I did nothing to deserve this

She just went berserk
And I guess she needs to move on
Find another friend
As I can't be her only till the end

Sometimes evolving
Can be the loneliest trek
You ever took up the mountain
But I must carry on

And maybe the ones who fall away
Maybe it's better that way
And it's ok
But is it really?

Why do I have to care so much
Why can't I be like the rest of the flock
Dumb and Numb
Blindly following

I am so hurt
But again I accept it
It's ok
It always is

Nobody breaks me
I guess it's just what she needs
Why do they all need
To be free of me?

Do I get in the way that much?
Or is it that I love too much?
Am too confronting?
And they get scared?

I don't know
I guess it doesn't matter
I hope one day
I won't be used to it

People choosing their shit over me
High tailing it out
And blaming me the whole way
Saying awful things about me without understanding and compassion

Sigh
Ugh
I am ok
Nobody breaks me

But maybe I'll be more careful
And not give it all away
It seems that people don't want real
And I don't know how to be fake

Written December 4, 2009