Alone, used to it

I am used to being alone

I guess it shouldn't come as a shock
I mean we are born alone
We die alone
And we walk through the pits of hell alone

Many people often tell me that I am going to hell when I die
They tell me that God hates Lesbians
Some hide their hatred inside of meaningless quotes like
"God hates the sin not the sinner"
Well if being a Lesbian is a sin, then I am sin
As it is who I am
And the God they speak of, if he exists, can take his vengeance and go with them
As all I did was be born

But I think about their hell and if it would be better than mine
I wonder if it would be any different
The long ago, old feeling of wanting to die sits with me here
My own personal fiery pit

I think that in Homosexual Hell there might be a lot of others near
I am alone
But I am used to it
I can't ask for help
No one to hear

Who would I turn to
I was told to shut up
I was told to leave
I was told to stop yelling, stop talking
Go away

I am used to it
Don't want it anymore
This sick pit that I long for death
But I am used to it

Even my mother can't comfort me
She excuses her rage upon me
Don't I deserve more?
Didn't all I try and do was deal what was done to me
Why is everyone so mean?

I am deep inside now
I wish you could be near
I am ready for you to hold me
But I won't ask
I want to, but you've made yourself clear

It is sharp and cuts me deep

I can't sleep
I can't eat
But am tired
Oh, my stomach hurts
I feel queasy and sick
Poison is running through my veins
I feel raw like a corroded artery
I don't think I can make it to the other side of this hell

I am finally dealing with all the abuse my grandfather put me through
Oh, it hurts so bad
I knew it would
I didn't want to go near it
I knew it would be hard

What I thought has happened
I was right to put it off
I don't know when its going to end
Or how I am going to get through it
What if this is only the beginning?
Isn't there an easier way?

It sickens me so
Fuck
Help
No
I can do it

NO I can't
How can I deal with this now
I couldn't handle it then
I don't seem to be doing much better

I can't see his face
But I know the stench of his rotten breath
I won't forget now
I won't get confused anymore

He is Big and Bald and Bulky
He smells like rotten flesh eating away from the inside out
His penis is sharp like a knife
It cuts me deep

I cry a bit
Then I shut up
As I was already warned once
It seems like time has stopped just for me to stay a bit longer inside this hell

He calls me Jenny, that is not my name
I don't correct him
As I wouldn't dare
What he was doing was bad enough
I don't want to make him mad

He continues, doing what I don't know
But I don't like it
Oh I wish he would go away
I don't think it will ever end

Isn't there anyone who cares
Am I really alone in this world?
(No one comes. My suspicion is confirmed. I am alone)
Must take care of it myself
There is no one else

A door materializes and opens. I don't ask questions, I just run through.

I don't know what is happening
I seem to be somewhere safe, at least I think
I ask myself to be sure
"Where are we?"
"Somewhere safe," I reply.
"Shhhsh, he is still out there"

I stay put
Quiet
Still
Hidden
Shhhhh

My attention returns as he leaves the room
I put on my happy face that I just created and say to me
"My name is Jenny, but don't tell anyone, I'm only four,"
And pull up my panties

I run to the bathroom and throw up only once
I clean up my swollen vagina
It stinks like him
It burns, but I make it go away

I hate him
I hate my life
I hate myself for having to endure this
I am afraid of getting caught
Afraid they will all find out
I am only four and this is my reality

I create someone to be nice and sweet
Someone to fool them all
"They won't hurt me like he does," Sara says
Then I smile and leave the bathroom

As I run to the playground the memory fades
The kids that see me, don't see me
I don't want them too
They wouldn't like me if they knew
Nobody would

Its dirty what granpa does to me
They would point and make fun of me
I would hate myself then
Not a word is said

My family doesn't see the truth either
I get lost among the numbers and the day to day
I turn more inside and shut all the doors
Nobody comes knocking
Figures
Yet I feel grateful he is only hurting me, I think

I sit still
Remain quiet
Hidden
Nobody bothers me
And if they do, I smile and they think all is ok

I get a bit older
The pain and the abuse doesn't end yet
The location changes and now I am afraid of more than just my bed
Too many memories of him, I feel choked by it all

I create someone knew, Sally who is six
To carry through
She hates her life more than I do
Cries a lot
Feels the deepest despair
For a few years she tries to deal with what granpa does

Doesn't work and someone knew shows up, Chloe
She is eight and can't speak well, but pulls off the act
She can't put one sentence together with her mouth
People stare, but at least they don't know
She wets her bed too
Trying to reach out to anyone who will care that she is pain
No takers yet

Still lost in the numbers and the day to day
For a few years Chloe does fine
She gets older and school gets hard and scary
There are so many people
I don't trust them
I can't learn
I can't go
I miss to many days of six grade and have to retake it

One day at school blood comes from my vagina
I feel like I have done something wrong
I get scared and put toilet paper in my panties
I tell no one
Not again
Not like granpa

I don't understand, as Suzie who is 13 takes over
She deals with it, even tells mom when I get home
I feel ashamed and wrong
Mom is so excited and calls all of her friends
I play along

I can't live at my house anymore
I am too lost in the numbers and the day to day
Nobody seems to see me
They just see what I want them to see
Everybody always sees what I want them to see

I sit still
Be Quiet
Hidden
And if anyone comes up to me
"A Fuck You" sends them running
They won't hurt me like granpa did

I learn early on people are easy
They don't fight you for the truth
They are easy to get to do what you want
A bit of force and they slide right by
Alone, but it seems to be safer that way

I go to live with a woman with two small children
She is sick and needs help
I need to help someone, I can't help myself
The pressure to mother the children, clean the house and cook is too much for this fifteen year old
She has a complete mental break

Goes crazy and does things she regrets
Things she won't ever let herself forget
Things she wishes she could change
She beats herself up for a long time
"I don't understand what happened or where I was?"
People got hurt, but I was just confused

Things go horribly wrong
Cindy shows up to help
Oh God, what have I done?
I have made her life worse
I have failed the kids
Time to leave quick

My boobs get bigger
My hair is long and flowy
I am sweet sixteen and I wish I were dead
I am beautiful, but don't see it
My name is Marie after my best friend

Boys come up to me
"Hey Big tits, want to fuck?"
Is what I hear.
The fucking nerve
I go deeper inside myself
What the fuck is the point in coming out anymore?

Bifica gets created to show the world a happy face
She wants to be popular and is outgoing
She succeeds, even the preppy girls want a seat next to me
She has some fun and meets some people

She tries to appear like she is one of them
Straight, OK, not hurting, into drugs, skipping school, a bad ass, smoker, like's boys, but doesn't ever want to get married or be with one
She changes herself to fit in with the current crowd
She goes from prep to pot head, can be anything for anyone

The boys don't let up, and Marie gets dragged further down
She tries to kiss them, they all tell her that kissing her is like kissing a brick wall
She doesn't care, maybe they won't come kissing me again
Things seem to be ok
Nothing bad has happened yet

Until, somehow, I don't know how, how did it happen
How did my panties get taken off?
How did it happen, I can't remember?
"Gross"

"Is it in?" Marie asked
"Yes, its been in!" Cocky but wounded fucker
Well I obviously wasn't there for that experience
Lucky me
But still seems to drag on,
Not this again
It ends quicker

Oh God what have I done
What did he do?
I go home to use the bathroom
And when I pull down my panties I see it
A condom with some black stuff in it
Oh god, I'm going to be sick

What if I get pregnant?
Oh god!
Help me
My mind caves in on me
I beat myself up
I can't take what he did to me
The fucking asshole doesn't even care

Somehow I start to forget
But somewhere a door has been opened
While I try and find it to close it shut
More boys enter
Naked, wanting the same thing

I can't say no
I don't
They don't care that I am dead inside
They work themselves upon my lifeless body
Why oh why can't I say no!!!
I wish I could die, but it never happens

Isn't there anyone to help me?
I can't do this.
Old dirty men grope me in restaurants
Men follow me into bathrooms
Men demand for me to suck their dicks

I wake up in the middle of the night with their mean parts in my mouth
They push my head to and fro
And try and squeeze my tits enough that they will go

What the fuck is happening to me?
Isn't there anyone to help?
I sit still, quiet and wait
No one comes, no one cares
No one ever does, I am used to it

I am all alone, still.
I am still used it and didn't expect them to come anyhow
Maybe they never will
I go numb all over
Go deeper inside and lock all the doors

I skip school almost everyday trying to find a place to hide from them
I'll have to retake the whole year of ninth grade as I have missed to many days
But it all beats having to do things to their body
Or them doing things to me

I can't be seen by anyone there
But show up one last time
A lone teacher tries to get me to wake up
"You have to get your head out of your ass and come back to school,"
I don't understand and leave anyway
I am already behind two years, I don't want to start over again

Horrible memories need to be forgotten
Elizabeth shows up with enough courage to stop it
She makes all of the men go away
I relax and sigh
Thank you
She hangs around, keeping all the doors chained and dead bolted

I can't do school
I can't do life
My mom sends me to the ghetto to get my GED at a facility
I meet some knew friends, like most of them
But it is a scary place
Not what Elizabeth signed up for
So Charlie appears

Charlie can take it
Any of it
She puts them all off
All the boys who want to fuck her
All the girls who want to kick her ass
She deals with it for two years

Carolyn shows up to add some support
She came with wisdom and an understanding
She aides us all in protection and finding a cure
She is full of light and love

Hangs around for a bit as things tapper off
A much needed dry spell
Finally
Until my sister gets married and I fly down
Unexpected I see my Granpa, thin, frail, dying
Something takes place unbeknown to me

Oh but the way he looks at me
What the fuck was that all about?
Was he looking at me because he was longing for my small lifeless body?
Was he sorry?
I thought nothing of it then, but it was a telling look.
What he was telling me, I don't know
I wouldn't ask him if I could

When he finally dies
Olivia comes to surface, 26 now
She takes on crowd control and is strong enough to deal
Life doesn't get better for years after
It takes Norma my counselor to start taking the pieces apart
So that they may be put back together without granpa
And it takes my girlfriend to lead the way
Before I walk towards the darkness

Granpa is still here with me
He has gone nowhere
As the silence is now breaking into tears
I feel the pain of the little girl who deserved more and got none

I can see how I ended up my prison
Makes perfect sense
I would choose the prison now so I wouldn't have to deal with his penis
I can't face it

I feel like like nobody cares that I am in pain
I try and sit still
Be quiet
Remain Hidden
But it doesn't work anymore
Norma has put a spell on me
I want too much now, love and life

I can see what I used to not see
I can see me
I don't like him inside me, I don't like what I see
Nowhere to turn but inside myself

Help is not coming
It's ok I am used to it
Nobody's listens
Nobody cares

But does the little girl deserve more? Do I? Does either get it?
Or is this all?
Left with a constant reminder of painful times so long ago?
Nothing feels more like hell than this

I just want it out of me
Which way do I turn?
I will go, to be rid of him
I will walk far and drop him off
He won't ever find me again

But it feels stuck inside me
And it hurts
I can't deal
I can't go further
I can see why I wanted to die
Dying is the only way I know to get out of this hell

I have tried to die
I have
I have thought about it
I have imagined it
I pictured it
I have planned it in my mind
I have asked, pleaded with God to destroy me
I have tried
Death will not come

How do I go on?
He is to close
I can smell his rotten breath
His penis is sharp like a knife
Cuts me deep
I cry once
Then I shut up

Not lost without you

I get that it would seem like I am crazy or something by the way I acted
It was confusing for me too
The loss of you

But months after crying because I was abused
I finally realized that I was crying because I was abused
I was not crying so much over you
I just wanted you there

I am used to not getting what I want
I am used to having to deal with your bullshit or mine
In the way like some fucking roadblock
Aggravating and incessant,
And I am unable to remove it, yet

I am used to not getting you
Wanting more
Wanting you
To be close, comfortable, and chatty
I miss those moments the most

Doesn't mean I like it
The separation and all
As I would give almost anything to have you, hold you,
And be intimate with you

Our Mutual Passion Flaring
The greatest Love Transcending
Our Lives intertwined
The most Excitement, Adventure, Possibility
I know it is worth it and a might reality

But I am not crumbling because you stopped yelling at me
I am not wanting to die because you took yourself away
And the other people I have come to love

I am wanting to die because the little girl is still hurting
And I can't take it anymore
I can't listen to the incessant crying
The constant and painful sighing
Or even troubled lying
And the insane writhing

I get it may seem like I can't go on because your not there
I thought so too at first
But when I realized that I was just looking for a safe place to hide
Someone to protect me from the danger inside

It all made sense to me
I know it was not your burden to bear
And I appreciate the room to spare
As I miss you, but am not lost without you
I cry over you
But am hurting over what he did to me

I am sorry if all the crazyness got to much for you
I get that it might have pushed you deeper inside
I want the world for you
I get that I want that too

Things are not better without you
As they never are
It was because of you
That I decided to come this far

I wanted to run away
But know it was not from you
I wanted to run away from him
But stayed because of you

You are a light in this troubled world of mine
I know that you are troubled too
We can work it all out my love
But for now lets push on through

Hell

What is it?
Is it a place you go to when you die?
That's what religion teaches us. But if that were true, how do they explain the fact that Hell is on Earth. That I know over the course of my life I have been in Hell numerous times.
What do the Theologians say about it?
Or do they just talk in circles and quote the bible?

Hell is when your grandfather uses you with his ugly parts.
What in the hell was I being used for?
Hell is when every boy you meet thinks you are a new ride at six flags.
Like who are they kidding.
Hell is when you can't say no to some of them.
What the hell I am doing?
Hell is when your relationships crumble because you can't find the beauty inside you that everyone you ever met has tried to kill.
Sooner of later you stop fighting them and give in.
Hell is when you can't sleep, get up early, can't eat, and are afraid that anything good has long since passed you by.
Don't I deserve something more than all this Hell?
Hell is the topic of conversation looped for the personal satisfaction of someone you can't stand.
Why can't I find anyone who sparks my interests.
Hell is having every one around you suck you dry.
I am nobody's door mat
Hell is not being able to break free from your self imposed prison bars
I can see out, but I can't get out
Hell is being completely in love with someone and unable to show it
When I break free from these chains, you will see what I mean
Hell is when you get close to what you want and it is taken away
Sigh

From the way I see it, Hell is place to be visited time and again on Earth and Hell's Demons are never far away, either

I am so sorry I was abused

I am sorry to myself, the parts of me that are still hurting.
I am sorry that I can't make it better right now
I am sorry that I didn't know how to make it better
I am sorry that couldn't run away
So sorry I was too small to fight back

I am sorry that I wanted to die when he was hurting me
I am sorry that I was afraid to live because of my pain
I am sorry that I couldn't see in this moment
I am sorry that I traveled so far in the past

I am sorry that what my granpa did to me affected you so much
I am sorry if you hate me
I am sorry if I hurt you
I am sorry that I couldn't make myself feel better
I am sorry that I couldn't make the pain stop
I am sorry that you were hurting too

I wish I could change the past
So that I might not be so screwed up
So that maybe I would be someone who was worth it
Worth you

I am sorry, but I did try my best
Even though I failed you

I wish I could make the pain stop
I wish I could go back and stop what he did
I wish I could kill my grandfather
I wish I could heal my body
I wish my counseling sessions were magical
Or at least moved quicker

I am so so so so sorry
I think I can see what you see
But do you see what I see?

With all of me

In my mind I see your face
I don't know if you see what I see
Your beauty, your grace
You are so full of light and beauty
So am I, we are a pair
In love sweetly
I see us caught up in the moment
Neither afraid to show how we feel
I see you there, as you really are, with me
I see me, there as I really am, with you
The only place I want to be
Neither afraid or scared or shamed
As we are entangled in our passionate embrace

The love we share it is so complete
You don't worry about how it might be
And I trust you with all of me

I am not afraid anymore
I am not afraid to love you
It is what I was meant to do
I am not afraid to show it
Or let my body know it
I am not afraid of how it feels
I am sorry that I ever did

From Down Deep

Last night I dropped off your Coldplay
Your car parked in the usual spot told me what I already knew
I felt your presence only being feet from me
As I pressed the eject button our song stopped playing,
I held my breathe and tussled my hair
Got out of my car and walked to your door
Thoughts of the last time I was there flooded my mind
And as I was about to silence them a new emotion emerged from down deep
From the heart of my soul came up with the overwhelming emotions that I wanted you
I know you don't believe it, but it is true
Being that close to you ignited our flame right away
I carefully walked to your door, which one, I wasn't sure
It took me a moment, as they all looked a like to me in Jesus Land
I longed to spring you from your catholic prison, but that was up to you my love

Focus on the task at hand, blurry everything got
I found your door, quietly opened up the mail slot and slid the cd in
I hurried back to my car and turned the corner and sped off
I passed your house, but did not stare
Did you see me for that second I was there?

I wanted to stay and be so close
I drove away, trying to quiet my aching mind
A song blaring from my radio, didn't help

Nothing worked as you permeate my soul
Every part of me longs to be near you
My soul longs to hear your guitar sing
My mouth longs to be upon you
My arms long for the feel of your skin inside my grasp
My ears long to hear your sweet voice ring
My legs wished to be wrapped around yours
My feet longed to walk closer to you
My eyes longed to meet your gaze
My hands longed to be moving freely on your beautiful body
My butt longed to be up against you as you held me
My vagina longed for the sweetness only you could supply and satisfy

I will never get over you, and I don't want to
I get this all has a purpose, but I love you with all of me.
I am still here.
Not going anywhere.
Patient. Not even asking. Patient.
Longing. Wanting. Patient.
Grateful for you

I am the one I have been waiting for

Being an abused person, you are always looking for someone to save you. When you are a kid and your grandpa is hurting you with his bad parts, you want anyone to walk in and stop it.

I figured out through counseling that I got mad at myself for not being able to stop him so I learned I wasn't strong enough to take care of myself, to protect myself. I constantly wanted someone to save me from whatever hell I was in. Stop the pain and make it go away, as I felt I couldn't do it myself.

Today I learned that I can stop my own pain. It is such a relief to not have to wait or depend on someone else.

I have spent the past four months suffering deep inside the pain of my grandpa and I didn't know how to get out of it. I went to my counseling sessions and did what I was supposed to, but I felt so trapped in a pit of evil.

But today I was able to stop my pain from going to that place where it will soon destroy me. I stopped it with my love for myself and the light from my soul. I made myself feel better. It was awesome.

I actually learned how to love myself today. And it feels good. I have hated myself or spent too much time trying to tear myself down or destroy myself because I was hurt. Makes no sense as, I was hurt, not my fault, and then I hurt myself. I couldn't see it before. But now I am nice to myself.

I love myself. Have loved myself. And I am treating myself with respect and kindness. It actually helps make the monsters go away. Funny. I have been trying to hide from them by being quiet or sitting still inside me or yelling at them to go away and it wasn't until I stopped all the noise and hugged myself that they disappeared.

Not for the faint heart as sometimes the truth is ugly

I don't know if anyone out there feels like I do, as life seems to be so lonely sometimes. I mean I have friends and family around me, but still feel so alone.
I guess I am going to get personal, as it seems like it is never ok to talk about the real cause of our pain. But I don't believe we can get better until we do.
My grandfather molested me when I was four years old and I can't remember a time that I haven't been hurting. I feel like I am done for. Like life is never going to get better for me. I am so sick of feeling that way. I am so tired of feeling so obsessed about the past.

I want to live into the future and do so many things with my life, but I am always stopped short of achieving what I want. Something always happens, to keep me from my goal.

I was supposed to be starting a new life in .Chicago, going to Harrington College of Design, but I needed a cosigner as my credit is not quite good enough, and my cosigner will most likely be approved when I can get a few errors removed from his credit report. But it is not going to happen before school starts this semester.
Not the worst news I have ever heard as it seems like I will be able to start in Jan. It might even be a good idea. I could use the next four months to straighten out the things that are wrong in my life. My finances are in need of attention, since I broke my foot and have been out of work. And my dog got hit by a car, he is ok, but it takes money to make him better, nothing bad thank god, but he did need stitches and other care. But this proves my point that I feel like it will never be the right time for me to have the life I want.

I actually don't know what prompted me to move to Chicago as I never planned on going back there. I love it, but I want to move out West, near the beach where it is warm. When I broke my foot I started to think about what else I could do, for work. Out of the blue a man from Harrington College called me. I never even when looking for them, but somehow they got information that I wanted to go to school. I figured it was fate and started thinking it might actually be a good idea. The chance at a new life is what did if for me. I want a new career one that is creative, and the program sounded so good. I have wanted to start taking pictures for a living, but on my salary there is no way I could buy a decent enough camera or equipment to make a living at it. If I just bought a mediocre camera and did some freelance work, it would be years before I could support myself. After I had gotten all the information I made the best choice for myself, and decided to start the process to attend Harrington and move back to Chicago.

I recently got my acceptance letter and it is the first one I ever got. Awesome.
While that looks like it might work out for me, I am still uncertain as so much doesn't. And I say that because I am in the waiting room of life. I don't have what I want, but I guess if I wait long enough I might get it.

I know I can't go on like I have been as for the past five years, I feel like I have been living a crippled life. I have been living with my parents, to afraid to move out, or it hasn't worked out for me to get my own place. I have been trying to support myself on my own cleaning houses business. I am a very good cleaner, probably the best I know, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I am good. I like cleaning ok, but I surround myself with so many people who take from me that cleaning their houses has gotten very unhealthy for me. Plus, I work extra hard and could barely afford to live with my parents, let alone on my own.

It is all so frustrating. I try so hard to get better, to be better, and to give life my best. I try and pay my bills; I don't blow my money on crap. I try and work extra hard on me so that I may get better and can stop living like this. But there always seems to be more shit in my path than I can deal with and it makes me wish I were not alive. I don't get the point sometimes. I feel like I suffer more than I live. And I am sure people will tell me that I can choose a different life, and I have tried that. But if you say that than you don't understand what it is like to be owned by your past. I was young when my abuse wrapped its evil hands around me, I did the best I could to stay alive and get over it.

It is similar to a computer, as program code was hidden all over my brain you could say, when I was young and was being abused. So now when something happens that triggers the code, I react. Half the time I don't even know what I react to. The memory is so old that I can't see it. And it takes finding each and every piece of that code, than deciphering it so that I can understand what it means, than dealing with it, which sometimes includes reprogramming or destroying it. It is a very lengthy process and moves very slow.

And I can't let my guard down for one minute, I can't be myself or relax as I have been programmed that he will come for me, at church, the family picnic, in my own home, in other people's houses. My whole life is some kind of sick shrine to my grandfather. He was abused to and I don't blame him, people tell me I should be mad at him, but I can't. I don't feel it. I don't feel anything. I do protect him I guess, or at least that is what I learned in counseling, that I protect people, my grandfather, my parents, my girlfriend, my family from me. I am afraid that he will hurt them or that he will hurt me because I told. Deep down inside I feel like I am BAD for the people in my life. I actually feel like they are better off without me.
I guess it could be confusing to people who don't understand or know me, especially those who were not abused. Something else is when I was young to deal with the abuse on one hand, and to show the world I am fine to hide the abuse on the other, I created different personalities inside me. I created quite a few people as a lot of other stuff happened to me too.

Most of the time I can't control them, a lot of times we work together, but sometimes I just feel a certain way and that is it. I will not go into much detail now, I will save that for later, but I will say that the youngest one, Jenny is afraid of my grandpa, of course right, and because she feels that way, I feel that way. I can hear her, but can't change her mind. She can learn, I guess as I learn, but we don't have the same experience of life.
It confuses me too.

I have a really hard time reaching out to people, being close to them or letting myself open up. It is hard for me that I can't just be. It is exhausting and unfulfilling.

I feel I will never get anywhere in my life. Like only bad stuff happens to me.
Even more than that, I feel like because I was abused-that's all. That's the end of my story. Like my life should be over, like I am so fucked up and will never be right. Sometimes, I wonder if going into a mental institution will help. I already feel so caged in my mind. Not that I would go to one, I hate being controlled and I am strong enough to deal with the shit, but I can't deal with this much longer. Lately I feel so overloaded that I can't do this on my own. I don't know what to do, dying sounds good, but I don't really think I want to die, but I don't want to live this way anymore.

I have been fighting like hell to get out of this dark pit and I still can't find my way out. It makes me feel pointless and hopeless. I also feel like people don't love me and don't really care about me.

No one cares what happened to me. The people in my life seem to be very interested in their own lives, and most of the time I don't share. What is the point? I feel like a burden for them that I have these problems. Like that annoying neighbor who keeps needing to repair his fence, but he never does and his dog always gets through and shits on your lawn. And of course the annoying neighbor never picks up the shit, he doesn't even know it is there, he doesn't pay attention. (Does anyone get it?) I guess I feel like the annoying neighbor, so I often try and hide myself from the people in my life.

And when I hide, nobody comes looking for me. Nobody. I guess they don't really care. I wonder am I that powerful that by putting up a wall, not anyone can get through? I don't know.

I guess if they knew how I really felt, they might come looking. But if the other neighbors knew what was really going on with annoying one, they might be more compassionate and understanding. As maybe both of his legs are broken and it is a miracle that he and the dog are still alive. He does his best to take care of him and the dog, and can only manage to let the dog out. But he is alone and no one comes looking or cares about him, they just get mad because they have to clean up his dogs shit.

That's not how we seem to be in this world. At least in my experience, we don't seem to care what goes on with the other person as long as their dog doesn't shit on our lawn.

I can see that might sound kind of dark and it might be the abuse talking, but that is how I am feeling. It is also more of what I mean. I can't seem to ever get out from under my abuse. Nobody understands me, not even my abuse survivor friends. They all look at me so weird. I feel like I am the only person in the world like me. I have heightened senses and feel very deeply. And I know when I am alone. I know when nobody comes looking for me. I hurt very much.

Most people in my life can't look deep enough inside me to see the truth. They all stop right at the front door and think they know what it going on. They also take it personal that I don't let them in. I guess I am trying to save them from my pain. I don't know. I just feel alone.

I saw my counselor on Friday, and I was so excited because I thought we might be starting EMDR, which is a way to release the intensity of your past traumas. It was supposed to get rid of my pain. But as it turns out, I am not ready for that step. I have to confront my pain and learn new ways to deal with how I cope.
So we have started a workbook called, "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. It seems promising as I think it might actually help me, but I do have my reservations and wonder will anything ever take away the pain that I feel?
Anyhow, I guess more about that later.

I just want to know, do you feel like I do? Or is life awesome for you.
If you are not afraid to answer, let me know.

When the monster wakes

Shhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Be very quiet
It is not safe
And its not going to be

If you can tiptoe quietly
We can get out of here
Maybe run away
And be free

But where would we go?
We are only four
We can't feed ourselves
Or even open the door

But when the monster wakes
It will be too late
We have to leave now
But I see your point

So what are we to do
No one to follow through
I don't like what he does
Do you?

No
But what can we do about it?
We just have to let go
And try not to let it show

Because when the monster wakes
It will be too late
To change our fate
Or safe us from this hate

When the monster wakes
I am not always four
Sometimes I am much older
But still can't open the door

What am I fighting for?
I just don't know anymore
I just don't get the point
I am so afraid of everyone

I can't face them
They terrify me
I can't get past them
They electrify me

I don't want my prison bars anymore
But I can't get past my fears
I get over some
And there always seems to be more

When the monster wakes
I get scared and run away
I tell people to leave
But really want them to stay

They leave anyhow
Like they wanted to
And I am left with my sorrow
And wonder if maybe I do deserve it to

I really want to not care
I really want to give up
But can't live there-here
So I sit still

Do I believe all will be forgiven
Or is this the long road to be forsaken
I am afraid to believe
As the monster still hurts me

It dwells deep down below
When you touch it
It just grows and grows
It consumes every part of me
But never lets me be

There is nothing I can do
It is fine and ok
This is my life
I am not meant to be loved

Love is for those who can't be hurt
Like the monster hurts me
As I have never known the sweetness of love
Or a complete and safe physical sexual release

I have just know how it hurts
And won't ever let me be
And I guess maybe I will be ok with that
As what choice to do I really have

I give up
I do
I just give up
Please just let me be

Let me go
I don't want this anymore
I can't
But in order for me to leave
You have to leave me

I know what my life is for
I am not supposed to be loved
I am just supposed to love
Nameless and faceless people

I will just be like Neo without Trinity
Instead of loving one the most
I'll love all equally
But I fear she made him all he could be
And in the end she died anyway
I mean who needs that pain
Not me
As I have enough

I don't want to try anymore
I just want to give up
Please just let me give up
It is ok


That I won't get those things
It is ok
That I won't be loved
I am ok with that fate


As I was ruined by the monster
And knew it was all I was good for
But can't be used like that anymore
So just let me go


To where I don't know
I'll drag myself around this place
And eventually I'll die
Maybe then my grace
Will not pass me by

As I can't see beyond my pain
And the more I touch it
The harder it gets
I can't live like this anymore
And know I am alone in my regret

When the monster wakes
It is never over
Just a new begining
How much more can I suffer?

How much more do I need to
Before the monster feels full
As his ravenous appetite
Consumes my soul

I know I was wrong
To let him in the first place
I am bad
And still bad to this day
I am told all the time
The monster says so
And so do others
I thought loved me
Little did I know


I finally see
I need to give in
The monster can have me
He has already eaten my grin


And the only wish I will make
Is for the sweetness of death to take
As I know I can't go on
And I am tired of pretending when I am wrong


But death never comes
And my path is still clear
So I'll try and give up another way
As the monster is still here


And has touched everything in my life
And turned it to dust
And I can't just let it all rust
So I'll go


Ruined by the monster
I try and give in
But he won't stop
I let go but go nowhere

I am still afraid
To be close to people
I fight to overcome it
But don't get what I seek

I make another wish for death
A reoccurring dream
But again the answer is no
So I again wish that I can go

Told to stay
I don't like it this way
But want to believe
Good things are not far away


No matter if I am right or wrong
I have to sit tight and try to be
And in the meantime
I feel stuck out in the rain

But hopefully
All is for not
Hopefully
My life will have some purpose

And maybe love will find me
Do I dare believe
And is it really up to me
As I just can't say

You are still with me

I feel you
Even though you're not there
I see you
I know you still care

I stopped running
Why didn't you
If you are truly over me
Why do you insist on going so far

If you really didn't care
Would it matter if I was there
I mean would you need all the dramatic flair
All the walls

If you could move on
You would talk to my sister when she calls
But you don't
You're not all you say you are
And I know it

I feel it
I feel you
Call me what you will
But it is just more excuses to not deal with you

You talked to your counselor about me for six months
Than told me by the by
Its over
And good bye

Like you are some king in my world
Well we rule together
But you are my queen
What about what I want?

I get a say too
What happened to "I am going to marry her?"
I know baby you got scared
I did too

Being hurt makes you scared
We let our fear have a vote
And it tore us apart

But I am done with that
Done
You don't believe me
But it is true

As if this is not true
Than I am ruined by my abuse
But I can't believe that
So I must believe that I am who I say

As I have changed all that was wrong
Because I want you so much
And I WANT A LIFE I LOVE
With you in it

Don't think my words are mean
I am not mad
I am in love with you
And you have done this before

Did it work last time
Ask yourself
Remember how it was
You tried this before
And did not break anything

And your poem/song
Doesn't say anything to me
But you are scared
And I hear that you still love me too

As I just want you to be you
Not this shut down version
Where in the hell are you?

I also wonder
Where is the emotion and the fire
You are not saying anything in that song
It doesn't even translate

You write from your heart
Not your mind
The passion is missing from your latest piece
So please don't tell me lies

Because I know you to be fire
And all is see is boring and mediocre
Which tells me you have yourself locked away
Oh baby please let yourself out
It is safe

Just say something
Anything
As if you weren't locked away
Your poem would have some meat to it
And you would not be so fine

Unless you are a cold hearted black heart
Who doesn't care
As if you loved me then
You love me now

And would be sad without me
At least
Not great as you seem
Or is that just what you tell yourself?

I know you
I feel you
I know you hurt deep down
I know you want to come out

Why did you hide
Or at least not stop
If you are over me
You could have said hi
But you did not

All of your actions have been so dramatic
Such a queen
Love that

I know you learned from your parents
That when life hurts
Run away
But they are not happy
Do you want to be?

But if it was so easy for you
Why do you need so many walls
Why do you need to put up those barriers against me
If I am not there
Who cares

I know you feel me
I know I am still there
As I tried to run too
But didn't know to where

I understand that you think
All is for not
But dealing with our abuse
Has made us something we are not
Something we were never meant to be

And I say we can be together
All we were meant to be
But you say
No way

I get that
But can you just let yourself see
How it really is?
Having faith or peace or whatever
Is sometimes the point!

The lies you tell yourself
Will be your regret in the end
I already have enough regrets to last me
I don't need to add you to that list

You forget that I know you
That I have seen you at your WORST
That I have loved you through your hardest moments
Why do you think that I would be so fooled by all this?
I know you

If it were really over
Wouldn't it be
Because you have never
Ever left me

I saw you too
Did you know
We are so connected
And I don't have to lie about that

I have loved you for eight years long
And still do to the end
That does not make me crazy
It makes me human

You "had to" let me go
Because you couldn't show me your love
You couldn't be with me as you wanted
You were too scared

Now if you said that in your song
I would buy it
But there is no truth
Only filler
And you want me to believe that you are not running?

A coward too I might suggest
This is so not on my stability
As I was always more stable than you
Stop the lies and come through
This is not you

I get that I will be fine
Do you really think I won't?
So many people would love to be with me
I am all that they desire

But my fire burns so hot for you
And I don't have to pretend it doesn't
What you say is I am on my feet
But don't you see that I was dealing with being rapped at four?

You even wrote a song about it
But could never understand
Understanding was never your strong suit
But I never stopped loving you

Because I know who you really are
I have seen the beauty by far
And it is that beauty that keeps me here
As I could so move to a place where this doesn't take

And you have stated you are looking
For serious relationships and or a date
It seems almost desperate
Again not you
(yes I know you took off serious relationships, good, don't be desperate please)

Don't you see that might make you look crazy
To people who know you
As it is customary to at least give yourself
A few months before you begin looking

As you put that up just after you left me
And if you were healthy
You would be doing everything different
Again not meant to be mean, just love you

But I would be lying than
Saying I want to date or a relationship
Is pretty much a false state
And boring too

Might I add
As I have never learned so much
From anyone
I am doing well
Miss you like fucking hell

But I am doing things for me
Changing to be myself
Going to run a half marathon next year
And will I be hot as hell
I do all of that FOR ME

I wonder if you really "have to" run from "you" not me
As being with me
Makes you deal with you
And you don't want to

If you were stable enough
For a relationship with someone else
Would you blame them for everything?
Or would you confront your demons

Because yelling at someone
Is your demons
That is not because of me
But I see past that into WHO YOU ARE!

I have spent the past five months
Dealing and confronting me
I did that for me
And for you too

But have you done the same
As me being stable was never the game
It was us learning how to love each other
And we failed

But could give it a shot
You would not believe
Who I AM NOW
You would regret missing out on that

As I would move on
If not for the bond is still so strong
And I am preparing myself to love you right
Since you are what I want

And by the way
Sending an email
Is a pretty coward way to run
And if you want to be done
Meet me face to face
If you can

I am patient
I have waited for you
For as long as you have waited for me
We both deserve to get each other now

And I am just about there
But I see our future
It is amazing
Can you see it too?

This came pouring out of me in minutes
As the truth sets me free
And I just don't believe the charade
Do you really?

Oh and by the by
I feel you trying to push me away
You are trying hard to block me
You don't like it that I stayed
But when you tire of that game

I am here
And I love you
Such a beautiful person
Know it

Where are you?

Where did you go?
I saw you yesterday
I thought, anyhow
I can't find you now

You have disappeared from my sight
And left only my feelings behind
But your smile haunts me
Your silly grin, your laugh won't leave me alone

Did I make you up?
Was it all a dream?
Do you really exist
Or is that the dream talking

Your beauty beckons me to remember
But I feel so lost
I feel so caught between this dream
I am not sure where I am headed

I remember so many tender moments
So many that could've happened
And now that I am changing who I
I want those moments back

But you're gone
No where to be found

It saddens me
As I see the blurry image
Of what used to be

And I guess for me I hope I did dream you
As knowing you exist in the world
Makes it very hard for me to be right without you

What a dream it all could have been
Life gets too damn much in the way of living
And I wish I knew then how to remove all that I didn't want
And just keep you, next to me

Soft and tender
Cuddled in our embrace
Not wanting to let go
Passion flaring

Sigh
It's ok
I think I did dream you
You are just too good to be true

You don't believe me
I know you don't
But I can see past who you are not
Into who you are

Can you?