Meta Making Me

I am changing again

Becoming less apart of this world

And more and more

Who I really am

 

I am not so concerned

With the small things

Or things bodily bound

I look up more instead of just around

 

I keep my eyes  focused on what's right

Although I still question things I can't see

Trying to remember

My eyes will always deceive

 

I am changing again

I am not apart of the crowd

And I am not supposed to be

I am only me

 

I don't need to belong

People don't notice anyhow

As long as you act the part

They don't even see

 

Often not even looking past their own nose

Their only concern

Is only them

Everything else merely a dream

 

It's the ugly side of humanity

The one I don't like to see

As if I really cared

I'd be in trouble

 

Why is it so hard

For people to go against the crowd

Everyone's afraid to be different

Afraid to stand out

 

Then when someone does stand out

They get in trouble

Ostrisized

Taken out

 

I know what's expected of me

People make it known

I put on my mask

Even if it's not my own

 

I let so much hurt me

So much get in my way

I let it linger for too long

It wouldn't go away

 

It has been shown to me

I have the true power

If I let it be

Let it be

 

It's always been there

Deep inside me

Working in my favor

Even though I didn't know it

 

If I only see what they see

Focus on what's wrong

Not seeing love through the faces

Beauty in my life

 

Like leaves on a branch

That can't be seen

Cause the tress blend into one

Making everything appear to be

 

Looking so far away

Like at a picture

You can't begin to understand

It looks one way but is really another

 

I see the crowd

How it looks

And I let it consume me

For a moment

 

And I think I am better than them

I am learning how to fly my own kite

Even if my life is still scary

I can do it

 

I have the power to make miracles

And I shuck it to look good

Or let my fears win

Or tempt fate

 

Pointless it is

It seems like the hardest thing

To just go with the flow

Learning its not me anyhow

 

I always have to interrupt it

Make it stop

Like I will be better off

Or saved

 

But inside the moment

Is something special for me

Truth that I can use

To make miracles be

 

Like a fast moving river

Life is pushing me down

Cutting into my life

Making things right

 

When I turn and hide

Or stop the flow

I only stop me

From becoming all that I am

 

Great things are up ahead

For this I know

I just have to let my fears go

And live my life

 

The awesome part is

I can do it all and never leave my seat

I don't have to chase life

It will chase me

 

I know how to handle the storm

I can sail my ship through anything

I have learned how to rely on me

I have found a way to let the last be

 

I know my best life is waiting for me

To uncover all of me

I know it's just around the corner

Bidding its time

 

Waiting for me to see

Waiting for me get it

At the right time

It will approach me

 

In step with who I am

Walking as one

Me now

Me before

Me then

 

I will make it all be

I am no longer willing

To let it go

I am going to fight

 

Make it all as I know it can be

This is my life

It is my destiny

I will not run anymore

 

All the doors will be opened

In the right time

When I need

Until then I need to let it be

 

Right now

I only need to focus on

Changing me

Seeing me

 

Letting me be

As I truly am

Deep inside

Everything is already right

 

The path laid before my feet

Is right for me

I know I wouldn't be headed here

Unless it was right

 

I want to be here

It is a gift

I accept that

I am grateful

 

My life is built best for me

I am the only one

Who had been in my way

Ever have

 

And the more I change

The closer I get

To all I am

To being here

 

Free to enjoy life

The right one for me

Without all the past

Bringing me down

 

What I have learned

Is worth the whole ride

And what's next

Is worth my life

She's Just There

I see you still

See you here

Inside of me

Never leaving

 

You're just there

I accept that

It's not me

It might be you

 

I don't hang on

Because I want to

Because I need to

Because I have to

 

I have let you go

I have made peace with you

Peace with out you

Inside me still, you are

 

I don't beckon you forth

I don't circle you

Trying to get you back

Hoping you will let me in

 

I am just here

Living

Hoping

Seeing

 

You are here

You never left

You love me still

It hasn't changed

 

I often wonder

Do you still write?

Or sing?

Or play?

 

I come across by accident

News of your upcoming show

It upsets me

I don't want to know

 

It upsets me

Because I would do almost anything

Dress in drag

Cut my hair

 

Just to hear you sing

The songs about me

The ones I know you avoid

Except for "Have to"

 

So I try and again make peace

Peace with you unbudging inside me

Peace with me not seeing you now

Peace or death

 

It feels like dying

Every time I hear about you

Every time you throw those same knives

You don't have any more

 

I don't do anything

I am not around you

I won't let myself be

I wish I was moving

 

So you keep throwing

The same knives

Because you think they still work

You think they still hurt

 

You think it's going to change

But it doesn't

I am still alone

You are still playing house

 

Sigh

Scream

Tantrums get me no where

I have actually learned

 

So I let go

Again

And I cry for a moment

Until

 

Peace from deeper than you and me

Swells up

Let's me be

Tells me, "wait, she just loves you"

 

If not for the relief I feel

I would fight still

But I accept it

Am grateful for it

 

I won't run away

I just have this inside still

I must deal with it

I must change it

 

It is no longer me

So I am learning to let go

I have so much already

I am changing

 

And all the things I put between us

Are disintegrating

And I am feeling lighter

Seeing the truth

 

I wonder

Will all this bring me back to you?

Then I look

And I see

 

You're just there

Inside me

For all my trying

I can't let go

 

For my all dying

Nothing has actually happened

In fact, everything is stronger

Bigger than before

 

 

In spite of our lying

We are more bonded than before

Your just there

Inside me, you are

 

 

And I am inside you

I believe it now

Why you freak out so

Why you act so transparent

 

 

I still have a beat

Inside your heart

You still bring mine to life

It hasn't changed

 

 

And I am not trying to any longer

I am not going to

But I will move forward for just me

I do not sit and wait for you

 

Where are you?

Where did you go?
I saw you yesterday
I thought, anyhow
I can't find you now

You have disappeared from my sight
And left only my feelings behind
But your smile haunts me
Your silly grin, your laugh won't leave me alone

Did I make you up?
Was it all a dream?
Do you really exist
Or is that the dream talking

Your beauty beckons me to remember
But I feel so lost
I feel so caught between this dream
I am not sure where I am headed

I remember so many tender moments
So many that could've happened
And now that I am changing who I am
I want those moments back

But you're gone
No where to be found
I can't see you
I don't know where you went

It saddens me
As I see the blurry image
Of what used to be
The love between us

And I guess for me I hope I did dream you
As knowing you exist in the world
Makes it very hard for me to be right without you
Even though I am trying

What a dream it all could have been
Life gets too damn much in the way of living
And I wish I knew then how to remove all that I didn't want
And just keep you, next to me

Soft and tender
Cuddled in our embrace
Not wanting to let go
Passion flaring

Sigh
It's ok
I think I did dream you
You are just too good to be true

You don't believe me
I know you don't
But I can see past who you are not
Into who you are

Can you?

Obliterated Oblivion

Living without
Is living with
As if you are supposed to have it
You do

Even though you can't see it
Things have a point
Learning or growing
Seems to be what I do best

Life is not for the impatient
I try and remember
All good things
Come in the right time

But since I can't put my finger on it
I feel so left behind
And forgotten
Sad and without

Forcing myself to be different
Perfect and right
As maybe then
I will get what I want

I can't be sure
It seems so fucked up
This way of living
The way I do

I honestly don't know
If I am ready
Good enough
Going to succeed

I try and convince myself
I try and pep talk myself
I try and focus on something else
Anything else

It isn't all for not
Or all she wrote
As nothing is over, yet
But life is fucked

Most of the time I see it
Then I try and remember
That love conquers all
But I don't know that for sure

I haven't seen it
I haven't lived it
So when I say love is all you need
I am only going off what I heard

As for me love falls short
As short as people
People fail me
Time and again

They make life scary and boring
I really only have myself
To count on
And be with

The boundaries are getting smaller
I no longer care that I don't belong
I have accepted it long ago
I expect it now

I still struggle with believing
As I am not sure anymore
It just seems dark
Without a hope

Like a long corridor
I have been walking
It is hard to keep moving
When you can't see in front of you

To keep stepping blindly
Hoping you don't trip again
Hoping the punishment for doing so
Will be unlike last time

I wish I could run to the end
And never look back
Be safe and free
From all that scares me

I wish it were over
And I had won
Even if it means I had lost
As I am so afraid to face it

Face what's coming
What if I am not good enough?
What if I fail every time?
What happens when I hide?

Does it all just go away?
Like it did last time?
I don't know if I am strong enough
I don't know if I can do this

It has been so long
On this trail
In the dark
My feet hurt

It seems like nothing is really there
And nothing is coming either
Just how it feels
But I know different deep down

I have learned that
My eyes fool me
I know things won't look right
Nothing is how it seems

I try and remember
But it gets harder
And the closer I get
The darker things are

It is a lie
A light at the end
It only gets light
Once you emerge

I am still waiting
Still walking
Not yet seeing it
Blind and forgotten

Nothing comes from nothing
But life can't be nothing
Movement happens
So does change

So why does it all
Still look the same?
Like the end of a path
That goes on forever

Repeating
Just to have something to do
Bored beyond compared
Wanting the hell out of here

Stuck
Time and again
Stuck
Budging the unmoveable

Trying to run towards
And hide away
Wasting away
Growing tall

Scared through it all
Seeing my future
So close
But not able to touch

My dreams and visions
Keep me in route
Believing is the hardest part
Yet I do

I believe it is coming
Exactly what I need
I believe I already have it
It is right for me

It is important that I believe
As that's the whole point
To see light in the dark
And create and expand in stillness

Fear trails me
Sneaks upon my shoulder
Tells me all the things I knew
Makes me remember

I am learning to look away
To force myself to see
The light in the dark
The goodness inside me

And sometimes I can't imagine
My life without this glimpse
And while I am ready to face it
My fears overwhelm me

As scary was taught to me
So so long ago
And scary becomes a habit
One that's hard to overcome

Consuming your insides
Forcing you to make choices
You don't really want
Forcing life and love away

Making you stay in miserable
Needing to be punished
Unable to be happy
Closed shut

I know this well
I have fought it hard
I have lost
I have won

I hoped I would never have to deal
I try and tell myself that I don't
I get confused on purpose
I push back

Scared I am
Doesn't that matter
There simply must be
A better way

But I am not going to be able
To get by what's coming
It will meet me
Face to face

Safe in oblivion
Now I feel kicked out
Are you sure I am ready?
To deal with my doubts?

To make these changes
Deep inside me
The ones I keep fighting
The ones I am sure I can't do

But I am being kicked out
Of who I was
Before I couldn't promise different
Now I can't be the same

My oblivion has been permeated
I have been changed
And I am almost there
Almost done

My fears are less
I am so much stronger now
But still have a ways to go
Till I get to what I have seen

As I can only learn how to go so long on my own
Learn by watching
Learn by changing
Becoming whom I am

The mighty next step
Is for me to learn by doing
That I can't teach myself
That I can't do on my own

But until that next path is presented
Until I have reached that next place
All I can do is wait
Wait and work on me

As for now I feel so dead
Watching life go by
Others live it
And I just want life to happen to me!

Happen to me
I used to just want to be alone
Now I long to be free
To be touched and loved

So I send out a message
From me to you
And I'll face my fears
About what's coming

I'll take on me
I'll take on you
And just so we're clear
Bring it here