Not lost, but not found

I didn't lose you
But I can't find you
You are lost
I don't know where you reside

You're not there

I don't think anyone knows where you are

I think you are stuck

Somewhere in the past

Stuck

In what used to be
Stuck in what was
In what has been done to you

You can't let go

Of anything it seems
It appears your progress has thwarted
Not moved at all

Seems only seems

As what do I know
I only know how you look
As others see you

But when they stop short

At your outrageous flare
I don't stop short at you
I go past it into you

You just can't handle it

That's not my fault
You can't handle you
So you can't handle me

Living a lie
Always living a lie
I bet She doesn't know
As if she does know

Know the truth

Really how well is She?
And you think I am unwell
I don't suffer as you do

Unless you count

All my suffering without you
That burns me up
Pangs of pain run through my soul

I long for an end to this

This fucking glimpse
As I have never been more wrong
Still so horribly wrong

To ever think

I could
Or would even want to
Live with out you

What liars we often are

To ourselves
And to each other
You my dear are the best

But just like Jekyll

Hyde will eventually win out
Take over
Analiate the lie

Consume even you

So you won't be able to hide
Inside this fake, superficial life
You created for yourself

It will eventually fall apart

Be destroyed
By you
They always are

And if you were to once

Admit the truth
In years, once
Admit the truth

You would see

You're not happy
Or fulfilled
Only sad and without

And to make my earlier prediction come true

You are bored

With a doppleganger wanna be

As close to me as you could find

But she doesn't have the class
The style
Or the looks

She even tries to follow in my footsteps

I am the bad ass you want

I am everything you need
You only deny yourself
And you call me a tease

At least I am here

Been here
Still here
Admitting how it really is

And I think if you could once

Turn and face yourself
See how you feel
Acknowledge how you still love me

Take on the truth deep inside

Really truly be at peace
You would most definitely see
You are found within me

Slipped

Life brings me down
To who's level
Is my frown
Its Not my own

This I know
As I can't see my own face
Too dark is this place
A boulder does replace

Slipped
Beyond the darkness grows
A shadow
To unfold and grow

A vortex
Has sucked me deep within
Where am I?
What is this place?

It feels dark and dirty
Hastening is my trace
To free myself
Of this place

But yet, alas
I find my fate
I am tethered deep inside
Some sort of hell is my gate

I feel alone
Without my sanity
I feel drowning
Inside this reality

It isn't what I thought
It would be
It is only all that
I am not to see

Slipped
Beyond the darkness grows
Tumbling now
Something tears

Opening me up
In spite of myself
All I see now
Scares the hell out of me

Alone I feel
Cold and quiet
Remaining still
As to not incur the wrath

That lies behind the darkness still
I try and let it be
Quietly existing
Still inside me

Writhing, turning inside me
Will it ever go?
So I can just be
It doesn't seem so

But what the hell do I know?
I am only here
And I am only there
Inside me still it is

Scaring and scarring
Does often occur
Life is unbeknownst to me
What direction does it travel?

Who keeps watch over me
My mistakes bring out the panic
I feel I have messed up again
Someone keeps all my mistakes made

Knowing I'll probably
Mess it up anyway
I let go
And try and fight back

A gentle love
Washes over me
For a moment
I let it be

Slipped again
A light goes dark
A sigh let's me know
I accept it

Fighting
What my mind cannot see
Turning towards this fate
Running still further away

Paying tolls
All along the way
Promises keep me influx
But still I can't escape

Knowing which way
I need to go
Keeps me headed through
But Hell lingers deep inside

Am I to ever be through?
I don't like this place
I don't want to be here
I want to leave now, please?

I have spent many years
Combing the labyrinth
For a way out
I have tried many things

None of it works
And I am just beckoned forth
With promises of love and laughter
I don't know

Anymore, I don't!
Are promises made to broken?
Or to be kept?
And who decides?

All I see is what went wrong
How it was all
Ripped away from me
At a very early age

And how it keeps
Being ripped away
Every time I try and change
It doesn't seem fair

Slipped
Beyond the darkness
Starts to shrink
I catch a tiny glimpse of me

Illuminated
Like a sliver of sun
Falling through dark clouds
And landing in my lap

Something different
Unfamiliar
Not quite sure though
It just seems so


I am still deep inside
And spend too much time
Hiding away
I still don't know how to stay

Bubbling now with rawness I feel
Emotion gurgles my mind
It overwhelms my insides
My stomach rotten at the core

I carry it around with me
I try and make sense
But I only come up with crazyness
And no where to take it

I feel oh so sick
And fear hinges a hold of me
Freedom is sometimes a high price
I am still not sure it's worth it

I am letting go of the past now
Trying to see beyond my face
But all I can see is dark and lonely
And just when I am ready to give up

I see her beautiful face
And it reconfirms for me
What I know is there
And what I hope won't go to waste

It pulls me to the land of the living
It grounds me in reality
All my doubts I had assured
(To my surprise) Were just not there

I only longed to reach out and touch her hair
It had gotten longer
I liked it
But didn't really notice

As I couldn't take my eyes off her face
Passing by
She didn't even look my way
I was going to wave hi

She looked as miserable
As I felt
Is life really funny?
For my amusement or theirs?

I want a do over
For some things in my life
But maybe that would just take away
The best parts of me

As a do over might suffice
But what exactly do I do?
As even though it was hard learning
I had to experience those things

But a do over would just erase
The brand new parts of me
So instead I'll take a second chance
When I am ready to begin

Copyright 2011

Radiates my Soul

She sits and plays

Music radiates

Life springs new

Deep inside me


I don't ask why

She changes everything

I just accept it

And embrace her


There in the moment

My heart cries

Tears of happiness

In her eyes


She doesn't fumble

Or change her mind

She follows the rhythm

Line by line


It happens automatically

With talent and ease

In her mind

She lets it be


Sometimes spontaneously

Other times she composes

The music and lyrics

For hours or days


Knowing best

What sounds sweet

She often makes it up

As she goes along


It is to be enjoyed

The purpose of it

I do more than enjoy it

I do more than idly attend


It becomes me

I become it

It always makes me happy

To hear her make guitar sounds


I often quietly walk by

As not to disturb

Does she know I am listening

I hope she knows I care


That her music changes everything

It rearranges me into myself

Time after time

She radiates my life


The sweetness touches me in ways I never knew

She touches me there to

It calls me forth

I don't question why


I eagerly pursue

This sweet life

It is enough

I let it be


Taking only and exactly

What I need

The music

Has no limits


No boundaries

No stopping points

It travels far inside me

To the very center of my soul


It isn't hard to tell

That she fits me so well

But I only say thank you

As I couldn't be more grateful


For the beauty she brings

And the healing that springs

I don't think of it

Not anymore


How I used to be

With her

Pushing

Pulling


Closing the door

Trying hard to forget

As she never

Gave up on me


And I learned how

To let her in

Let her be

In love with me


And all the healing too

As she changed everything

Became exactly what I need

And I to her


It has been a long road

And we have learned

We both finally see

How being in love can be


What has always been

Right before us

But now we can accept it

All for what it is


Accept each other too

Open and honest

Full of love and life

Music radiating from deep inside


As life changes you

For the better

But Love makes you become

Who you already are

　

　

Letter to the editor

I don't think you quite get
The difference you make for me
The change in my life
That you make with even the smallest touch

I am forever changed
Changing still because of you
You are special to me
The connection we share is so unique

All you have to do
Is offer the smallest thing to me
The tiniest piece of you
And my life is completely improved

It is so amazing
And I feel so damn lucky to have that
Not many people get what we share
It is all coming in clear to me now

As before I could only see
What was wrong
Or all of my hurts from the past
All the ones I used against you

But after letting so much of them go
Forging a brand new trail with you
One that I can see clearly through
There is no longer doubt or uncertainty

It is all clear to me now
I see you clearly
And the part you play too
Without all the old doubt and fear

I know you have me put away
In some box
Labeled "Grey"
Or something obscure like that

Something you would never
Think to look in
A label that might remind you
To stay away

As what can you really do with gray?
People step over gray areas
The color gray signifies age
And most often gray is to be left alone

It is right to do so
Politically correct even
So this is my final resting place?
This box you know I can't breathe in?

But you keep me there
And something pulls at you
Something tells you things
And I feel turmoil for you about me

I see what you aren't willing to
My box for you is labeled free
As you are free to be inside me
And free to never see me again too

I don't make anything for you
I just am for you
Just with you
Now

You would say many things
You are happy
We gave it our all
It didn't work

But you have no idea
What it is I can do
Or who I am
All you have is memories of what was

You would tell me to move on
As you have found someone
For the first time who really gets you
Who really makes you happy

I smile now just at the mention
As I know the truth will reckon
I know what it IS
For you and me

I know it is easy with her
You don't even go in deep
And you think it will always be
But that is what barely alive means

I know the change I am
From the broken
And torn apart
Too hurt to be me

To the taking on my freedom
As it is worth it for me
You may think a lot of things
Doesn't mean it's true

Thoughts are just a creation
Most come from the past
And sometimes they are true
But often it is just a lie

If it is a negative thought
As I am sure it is
You can be sure it is a lie
A story told for a purpose

As you have told yourself time and again
You have listened to all your own fears
The box you live in will be seen
As you also need to breathe

You say so many things
But still it is all not so true
And I feel what I know
I have seen you feel it too

You would think
I would never change
You would not confuse
Love and me again

As what you have now
May not be real love
But that didn't work out
So it's all you have and better than not

As you couldn't be alone
Don't seem to know how
The floor at night still walks
All the past demons

And you would call me crazy
Or something to remove the attention
But the truth is there
And I read it and feel it

I know the difference
You make for me
I know the battle I lost
Trying to get over you

I know there are so many reasons
Why you stay away
But what can you say is really true?
As life can be what you want

I know you inside and out
I am free to see you as you are
I would have to say
I miss your hands the most

They are soft and gentle
What makes your guitar sing
Comfort and hold me
They give me pleasure

Nobody gets you as I do
Nobody can see you fully like I do
In their own way sure
But not like me

What a gift I am for you too
I am just starting to see
All the ways in which I am good for you
All the ways I love you right

You actually have no idea
As you have never even seen
Every moment from the past
Is just that past

I am this moment
And who I am is awesome
You just can't know
Cause you look away

Crushed Butterfly

Sometimes I feel
Like a crushed Butterfly
Crushed hopes and dreams
That have already flown by

It seems that it's all for not
Even though I am assured different
Why do I have to go on
It doesn't seem like anyone cares

Will I ever fucking get there
Seeing and not being able to reach
Is becoming more and more aggravating
Patience, I am told

But who really cares
This moment is fine
But something is still missing
And I know it's not me

Life has a confusing way
It shares many tales
Much are filled with dismay
And the others don't get talked about

I fucking don't know what to do
Did I make you up?
Were you never really there?
Where did everything go?

Pretty
Empty
Words
It still seems to be

Pretty
Empty
Words
Why do I try so hard?

As it doesn't ever change
Even though I do
And as always
There is so much more to do

You could put a gun to my head
As I wish I were dead
But instead you'll just judge me
As you have no idea how it feels

So don't fucking tell me
To keep my chin up
Don't you think I already know
Don't you think I am fucking trying

As it's not for lack of
It's for too much in the way
You say it's so easy for you
But I suspect you also are not through

It's very fucking difficult
To follow the path that I do
And since I have already chosen
There is no way off

If I want to get out
I have to go through
But through feels like agony sometimes
Harrowing and fucked

And I know
I know
I am so strong
You love to tell me that

Right before you tear open my chest
And rip my heart out with a grin
Who are trying to kill
As I suspect it's really you

I just got in the way
Bleeding and mending I hang in there
Trying to understand your glare
I see fear, where did the love go

But you don't question
And I don't know
The past is like a deep ravine
Set between who we really are

So much goes unseen
And while I begin to understand
Life moves from here
Sometimes stuck is a way of life

Keeping up old beliefs
Make it more fucked for me
Learning how to accept what I want
Is my only way out

So towing my soul
I spit the bad taste out
And you just laugh and stare
What the fuck is wrong with you?

Everyone else sees it but you
You blame me for all
And then you push me down
Saying you did it all for me

You don't see yourself
You don't know how you act
All the weird and untrue ways you behave
You are safe in your oblivion

But it is obvious
That, you are starting to see
As you are fighting against it
Parading your bullshit

I don't look but I still see
I begin to understand
I don't think you do
As you tell me it's all me

But it can't be
It's an impossibility
That what you do or how you feel
Would ever be because of me

What it will be like for you
When your pretend world finally falls down
Something you've done on your own
Maybe then will you know

I put myself
Out on a limb
Time after time
To get put down or hurt again

So what am I supposed to do
What would you do
If you were me that is
I bet you don't know

It's not as easy as it looks
I bet you'd run away
And say fuck it all
I tried that too

Nothing works
Nothing
So I continue on
Lucky me

I must have hit the fucking jackpot
So much to overcome
And all the smarts I need
And intuition to get through it

How lucky am I?
Really, don't bother
Your fucking breathing is too much for me
I get why I always want to be alone

Fine with me
As I am just a Crushed Butterfly
Was once a beautiful sight
But I got tired of never being able to take flight

Pretty
Empty
Words
You have no real idea

Pretty
Empty
Words
So fuck off


Jan 26. 2010
11:36 pm
Copyright 2010

Right or wrong?

I told him off
Did I do it for you
For me
For both

This unrelenting fear
Has been touched
Down deep
It doesn't leave

My stomach is sick
Sick like a dream
A nightmare
Still lives inside me

But I notice all the strength I couldn't before
I notice the door is not so shut
I see all the progress I have made
As I am almost at the end of my rapes

The questions I asked
Stared me point blank in the face
And all the power within
Showed his disgrace

I suppose I never could before
Tell them how they hurt me
When the moment opened the door
I walked right through

But to be touched by this man
A sociopath
And I thought I had it bad
I suddenly understand something new

I feel for her
Doing nothing
Taking blame for it all
Wishing I could protect them all

She can't see it
But I do
I feel for her
Am sad too

He blames me too
I have done nothing
He makes me feel ashamed
But doesn't get his way no longer works

But the type like him
Can only be a jerk
And shrug off responsibility
And make others wrong for what he does

He can't admit the truth
Even when asked point blank
How did it feel when you touched her
Small and frail form, she was

He can't even see
What it is he has done
I can
I wonder does she

I know I was hurt too
But my grandpa
Was not my dad
He was so hurting too
And I am grateful it was him
If it had to be at all

I lose all self control
Call him multiple names
I can't even stop myself
Am I to blame?

I don't want to be mean
But someone deep inside me
Doesn't care how he feels
What does it all mean?

My friend says she is grateful
I tell her can't she see
It is most definitely him
He isn't right in the head

I apologize
Wish I could have handled it better
But for all I did say
For all I stood up for

I actually do feel better
Better and sick
One in the same
And I never wish to see him again

I lost it
Put him down
Made him feel uncomfortable
So much so he decided to go

My poor sister
Hurt in so many ways
And this man she was born to
Has swung the blade

Reaching out to the past
To grab a bit of light
I concern myself with healing for her
But it is not my fight

I have still some of my own work to do
And as much as I would like
Am not through
Are you?

Confessions from my vagina

A knife rips
Through the very part of me
Screaming no
Although no one hears

Something is stolen
Will it ever be returned
It doesn't seem the type to make deals
Everything burns

Lost inside my confusion
I peek out to see
But they have not gone yet
What do they want from me

My head is spinning
My life gets turned around
The path that I was headed for
I am no longer bound

Skewed is my very mind
Everything is wrong
I don't understand
So I relent and leave

Shutting down
All of which I was going to be
Seeing it all for what it is
Something torn out of me

I am not growing up to be
Beautiful and healthy
As was promised
All I know has been ripped away

And older I get
The more dismay I still say
When does it end
I know I have suffered enough

Shutting down
To keep what is left inside me still
Knowing that I won't
Make that same mistake until

She comes deep inside
And makes everything new
It all begins to release
Which terrifies me

But in spite of all my fear
I get happy deep down
In my inner most part of me
And that never leaves

Not understanding it
I try and remain still
Untouched
But nothing works

She finds her way deep inside me still
I try to block every exit
I hole up in my cave alone
Eventually she goes away

I am not sure anymore
If that was the point
I am just understanding now
I am just starting to see

But what I want
Or what that means
Doesn't stop confusing me
Even though it should

I live with the fear
Until the moment of release
And I bleed it out of me
With my sweat and tears

I can now finally breathe
In and out
Like I never knew
And this is my true virtue

I am healing deep down
Where it hurts the most
It is changing all of me
I am finally feeling like me

And when I touch myself to see
I feel the most awesome release
As I am not afraid to be seen
And something amazing changes inside me

My whole world is a new
And what was impossible before
I look now through brand new eyes
And what I see comes in right