Destiny wants me to kill myself

Being an abused child
Ruins your life from day one
And I wanted to make it stop so bad
But couldn’t, so all I wanted was to die

But never did I find a way out
And I had to endure all the abuse
He made me put up with it
He silenced me

I endured abuse since him
And the same old feeling came back to me
I just wanted it stop
But didn’t know how, so I wanted to die

I believe we have a destiny that is good for us
And a destiny that is bad for us
The bad destiny, I believe pulls into doing bad things
And the good destiny leads us to our best

Destiny wants me to kill myself
She wants me to end it all
Thoughts in my mind
Perpetuate this truth

Thinking what is the point of my life
Who in the hell am I?
Will this damn suffering ever stop?
I can’t endure much more of this

I feel like I can’t kill myself
Like my hands are tied behind my back
And the loaded gun is just out of reach
But I see myself die constantly

On the highway into a ball of flames
Shot by someone else and bleeding
Falling off a mountainside
Burning in the night

It is a morbid existence for sure
And I see that it doesn’t help me be in the moment
It doesn’t help anything
In fact, it makes it worse

And unless you have experienced this kind of pain
You don’t understand
As you would almost do anything to live without it
But it terrifies you to let it go

I move on
I focus on getting better
I encounter some asshole who thinks I am mountable
And when I crumble into my pit of despair

Destiny’s always there
Calling my name
And telling me it would all be better if I did it
Telling me to kill myself

And if not for her wanting me too
I would do it
As life is harsh and hard and lonely
And I feel that sense of fuck off

I don’t know why I bother sometimes
It is almost too much to bear
I work so hard everyday
All the things I am supposed to do

And I feel I just get more and more smacked around
Which always make me think of granpa
And what he did to me
And that always makes me want to die

Why do I bother?
Did I ever really believe good things were coming for me?
I mean this is me I am talking about
My life

And my life is full of shame, pain and sorrow
Loneliness while everyone stares at me
What did I think was going to change, if anything
And why did I ever believe it

How do I get ahead?
When I am pushed so far behind
And if not for them wanting me to
I would

As I know Destiny would prefer me to off myself
They want only bad rotten stuff for me
And I have been strong
I have endured

But what is the point now
When does it end?
I don’t know
And now I don’t care

It’s like some kind of moveable walkway that’s stuck in one place
Always promising to take you somewhere
But you always just end right back where you started
And I am sick of it

Broken and empty promises
Breaking my back to try and change my life
Bad news comes calling
Bitter resentment that I must fight from becoming

I can see how some things have changed
But it is not enough for me
I am still so cold
And tired

I need a new life
Not just a promise of one
I need people to think about me
Not just push me aside

But who I am kidding
People are too caught up in their own shit
And I am not climbing through theirs anymore
To get to mine

Nothing to do but give up
Or maybe I’ll just let go
And not care how it goes
Because I still hurt and suffer

And I am the only one who cares
Then this is my life
But still she whispers
For me to do it

Dinner for one
But I still cook for two
Am I supposed to get some point?
Is it over for me here

I know it would not be better if I killed myself
I know the pain would not even stop
It would only endure in a different way
But how then do I make it stop

There is no way out
This is hell
And I am trapped deep inside
Alone and suffering

Passersby smile
Strangers give me a funny face
Loved ones hide inside their own lives
Time passes way too fast

And I can’t keep up with the nonsense of it all
And I can’t make things better
Nothing to do, but . . . .
And that I can’t do

I know it won’t be right
My hands are tied deep behind my back
And the loaded gun is just out reach
I stretch to one side trying to see if I can get it

But I made a promise long ago
And I am bound to it
Death will not be an easy way out for me
The only way out is through

And I know
To Kill myself
Would be the ultimate mistake
One that I would never get over

My stubborn strength
Comes and comes
Even when I am sure I am out
So I can handle this fucked up place

But it is her, Jenny that has the doubt
She has been hurt by everyone
Grandpa uses her time and again
Can’t anyone help stop it?

Don’t you care?
You used to
But then you were gone
Where did you go?

I counted upon you being there
To hold my hand
So Jenny could find the comfort she needed
But alas we are alone

And I see I have to hold her hand
While no one holds mine
As no one cares
Not even the ones who love me

And there’s nothing left to do
Or is there?
I won’t get better
Or will it?

I’m actually afraid of me

I am not actually afraid of you at all
It's me who scares me
It's all the things that I want to happen and am afraid they won't
But it's not you

It's what’s inside of me that scares me
It is not the good parts of me either
It is all the bad stuff that was put their without my consent

But most of all its how you make me feel that scares me
Alive, In love, Happy, Complete, Worthy, Pleasure
I was afraid to let that stuff in
I was afraid that it might not last

I also want so much out of life
I want so much with you
And I can't always see how to get there so sometimes that scares me

You make me want to come out and be who I am
You make me see me as I am
You provoke it with your love and I am grateful

As I fear I might have wasted away alone
I have tried to get further because of you
I don't need you
But I want you

I will have the best life I can now
With or without you
I know I am going places
I won't sit by and let these things happen to me anymore

It is good of me to see who I am
I can never be anything for anyone else, until I am right for me

It is a good time now
A time for me to get me right
I am grateful for that
I have done so much stepping in the right direction

I feel that I am on a different path now
A path that will lead me to who I already am
And to where I want to go

There is still sorrow here
I still get sad and anxious
I still long to see your face

I get excited and liberated too
I have lots of fun
I know I will be done with this soon

I am almost there
Hopefully I will see you at the end
But I know I will be there

How do I forget

Oh God please get this out of me
The fucking memories of boys
Them putting their hands on me
Their parts inside me
Making me use my hands
Making me use my mouth

How in the fuck do I let this shit go
I try hard to let it go
I try hard to cry over it

But mostly I just refuse it
It is looped inside me
My own personal hell

I wish I could remove it out of me
I am so disgusted by it
As I don't know how

But I ask that you heal these old and rotten wounds
I ask that you make it better for me so that I may have a life I want
I ask that you take away this pain

Free me from my hell
And aide me in getting the life I was meant to live
And give me what is rightfully mine

Because I know that by myself
It will go as it always has gone
And I know that deep inside your grace
I will find a free me

I want to forget
I try to forgive
I need help in moving on from this place
I can see now I deserve it

So lift me up
Let the past be the past
Deep down inside me
Help me find peace at last

Who the hell is Marie?

Who is Marie?

Some say she's beautiful
Even people she doesn't know

She thinks her head is too big
And she is fat
She doesn't like to show off her strong legs or flat stomach
She doesn't like attention or to be seen

Some say she has big tits
And would be a nice lay
I guess they think she is easy too
They treat her like she has no brain, feelings or emotions

She thinks she is just hanging out with friends
She can't imagine they would hurt her
She loves to get attention
Loves it when guys give her attention
Good attention is best she doesn't like it when they give her bad attention
She mostly wants attention from her best friend Amy

Her friends ask each other why she lets the boys use her
They don't understand why she would suck on them
As everyone knows about it
They talk about Marie behind her back
The girls hate her
The boys want to use her body

She doesn't understand why she lets them do the things they make her do
She can't understand why every where she goes a boy is groping her and pulling down his pants
She doesn't know what to do
And when she thinks about it her mind caves in

One boy in particular named Jeff Anderson
Used her mouth one night while she was sleeping as his own personal penis pleasurer
Marie tried to do as she was forced
She was afraid that they would hurt her
The real fucked up thing is
Jeff's girlfriend Ann, got mad at Marie for Jeff raping Marie
She didn't believe when Marie tried to tell her that she didn't want to
Ann just yelled at her

Marie decided that no one would listen
She knew she was all alone
I mean how could her parents help or her family
Things got a lot worse before they got better

Marie cut the hard wires inside when the boys were penetrating her
She disconnected from every part of her
It was so awful, like a real life horror film
There was nothing she could do about it

Marie had the most unfortunate moment ever
When she involved her best friend Amy
Whom she was in love with
In one of her evil moments
Marie didn't mean to do it
She wanted to protect Amy, as she couldn't protect herself
But Amy got used too

Marie felt so sorry
She was ashamed that she let Amy down
She was ashamed that she loved Amy
Marie felt so bad about that

I don't know who the Hell Marie is
I never got a chance to find out
I never got a chance to ask her
They used her up and spit her out
And nobody cared

Is this my life?

I have spent so many years
Lingering between reality and me
There is no compromise
That I can find

I haven't given up
As I promised myself
I made a promise to you too once
But I don't know to keep it

Life doesn't make things easy
And labeled with a past like mine
Is a sure fire way to failure

Things get so confusing for me
But I carry on
As life demands me to keep walking
Even if I resent it

I feel so confused and alone
But it appears that this is my life.
There's nothing more to do than resign myself to it

I suppose its just me out there
I don't think I can do relationships anymore
What is the point really?
I don't think I will ever be perfect enough for people.

I really hate going through this shit
And feel I would be better off if I shut that door forever
I mean how bad could it be really?
Alone?

I have done alone
I get alone
I am used to alone
I suppose I will have to make my animals enough

I can have a few kids on my own too eventually
Doesn't much sound like fun, but hey
I can hire nannies to help me,
A Cleaning crew too

I will just have to immerse myself in my work
And maybe I'll end up as one of those women who devotes her life to living with animals in the wild.
I could study animals, paint them, take pictures of them
I could move me, my children and our pets to Africa
Raise the kids and separate myself from the world

It sounds nice, maybe safe
I trust a pride of Lions with my life more than a group of strangers
Maybe living with people is not right for me

I mean I would have to do some pretty heavy lying to myself
I would have to ignore any sexual feelings I have
I would have to put myself back in the box
The cramped, dirty box

I tell you I would choose that over dealing with this shit anymore
Over almost getting what I want, then it all getting taken away

I know my box
I can handle it
And maybe I will eventually forget all that I wanted

I am my own person
I don't need anyone
Even if I don't believe that now
I am sure I will eventually

It can't be much worse than this anyhow
As unfulfilling and intolerable my life has been
It might be a step up

I don't need anyone
I am fine alone
I never wanted fine, but this is my life

Jenny feels too

Jenny is sad little girl
Torn into pieces, she is
Sad, hurting, alone, scared
She saddens me as I feel sorry she was hurt

I am sorry that I couldn't protect her
I feel badly for that

Jenny is a beautiful girl
Full of life, love, excitement and joy
Until that first day and the ones that followed
That she was forced to let her body do things it wasn't supposed to
She was forced to be her grandmother

I am sorry that it all happened
How fair is it really
I feel badly for her

Jenny is a bit precocious
She likes to play pretend too
She pretends that nothing has happened
She pretends that she is just a girl, nothing more

I am sorry for that too
I feel badly for her
She is shamed and scared
So sad too

Jenny likes to play dress up
She likes to put on red lipstick
And her mothers clothes
Jenny likes to pretend
She feels better when she does

I feel badly for her
She hates her life
And is only four

And it makes it easier for her to smile
They all expect her too, you know
If she is sad Granpa gets mad
And her mother asks her why

I am sorry for that
She wants to ask for help
But has given up trying
Instead she wants to be dying

She cannot be sad or mad
They will all wonder
She is afraid that he will hurt them too
She smiles and fools them all

I feel badly for her
She is in pain so
Will it ever be gone

She masters it early
They never can tell
They say how sweet and innocent she is
How kind and dear

I am so sorry that this is the reality of a four year old

They just don't know
What awaits behind the wall
The pain, suffering, anger and fears
And she wonders if anyone really cares

Its fucking unbelievable that nobody knew
Fucking so sorry for that
Sorry she had to fucking carry on alone
I feel so fucking badly for her
So fucked up it all is
Just fucked
Literally!

Too Bold to be saying?

I miss you today
Oh how I miss you
I love you today
Oh how I do

Your beautiful face evades me
I wish I could see
What inspires me

You inspire to do great things
Do you know that?

I miss you, but I am ok
Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok,
But now I don't want to be ok
Ok is no kind of life for me now

You changed all of that for me

I never even wanted anything more than my hell, until I met you
And when you first took my hand
I willingly went blinded by my fear
Because of you things started on a long path to me getting better

I don't know where I would be without your love
Would I still have come thus far
Or been the same person I am now becoming?
Or would I still be deeply stuck in the mud I used to live

I know it is not far enough, it never is
Even though I try real hard, never is it enough
I don't ever expect it will be either

I think I might have dealt with my abuse at some point
But it was me wanting, striving to come out for you that made me start to face it
You are so special to me, the only woman of your kind
And while I was terrified, I still always wanted you
From the first moment until now

Only I didn't know how much in the beginning
Expect deep down I knew
I couldn't show it or verbalize it
Eventually it came out

I have been blinded by my fear the whole time
I am sorry for that
But now that I know you exist
I fear that I will never get over you

Just knowing you are out there in the world
Changes everything for me
Before I knew you, I didn't know what I was missing
But now I do know
And it will be awful hard to forget
I swear!

You are all I ever wanted in a girlfriend
Might be too bold on my part
But I can't stop saying it

You and me
Give us a rule and we'll break it
Huh, funny

Oh, how I miss you
I miss you so much that my body physically hurts
Sometimes as I experience the pain
I get confused
Because it feels so awful
Like I want to die

But it is only when I look closer that I get it
It is all my abuse wrapped up in the loss of you
But it takes me to pull it apart
Before I can see that I am missing you
But hurting over what he did to me

All the pain in my body gets lumped
It is confusing for me tell it apart
But when I see your beautiful face in a photograph
Or think about being close to you
I know what my body is saying

And I sit with it
As it is my experience with you
And I want it all
I am done shutting all the doors
I promise to give all the keys away
At least to you

I am finding myself in a peculiar situation
As I am opening up to strangers that usually scare me
I still have fear
But I am learning how to control it and am making great strides

I amaze myself at my tenacity and strength
Do you know that I write about you?
I wonder what you would say
It doesn't matter
I do it for me

I can't stop writing
You inspire me so
Not just because I love you
But because you are my muse too

At least, for now, I have that
I never wanted to let you go
I hope you really know that
I just couldn't see through the abuse

Things are getting clearer now
I have my ups and downs
As it was very scary for a while
I thought about going away
I hope those feelings don't come back
But I don't think I am done yet

I still can't eat
Been about five days now
Don't know why
Is it because I miss you?
Or because I am dealing so deep with my pain?
Or is it because I want to change my life and am fasting for a different outlook
At least that is what I tell myself as who knows why

I think about you a lot
And I am so grateful I decided to open myself up
As writing about these things that need to come out, help so much
I guess for now that is enough

Don’t hurt me like Granpa

Please don't hurt me like granpa did
He was mean and dirty and I didn't deserve it
He was followed by so many others who carried on what he started
I did not want to be treated like that

I do not want to be treated like that anymore
But I am afraid that everyone will treat me like that
I can't believe that people will be nice
I have been told that they will
But something changes and they aren't

Please don't hurt me like that
As I am so afraid that you will
I am afraid that you will force me to endure that same pain
That same anguish and fear
Please don't come and try and destroy me

I want to come out of my prison now
But I am not sure that you will not hurt me
I am not sure that it is safe

But the more that I get to know who I am
The more that I see how strong and powerful I am
The less power you have over me to hurt me

I won't be letting you hurt me again
I will not be hurt by granpa or anyone else
Anymore!

She scares me the most

She scares me
But not because I am afraid of her
Or I think she will hurt me
And not because she is mean
Or isn't there for me
She scares me because she loves me
And because I love her

She scares me more than anything else in the world
I hate being afraid
It reminds me of the worst moments in my life
It gets so confusing for me
I feel like I have to run away

In fact, I don't have many fears
I am mostly afraid of being hurt
What my granpa did to me was so horrific
That everything else seems to be mild in comparison
Spiders, snakes, rats, Tigers, Lions, jumping off mountains or out of airplanes
None of it scares me
And if I find fear I conquer it pretty quickly

Being hurt by someone I love
Is the second scariest for me
I am always hurt by someone I love
Even if that person is someone I trust
Even if I don't think they would ever
They do

So maybe I am best alone
All the actions I take to overcome my past
Never matter
I suppose I could be wrong
But have not been so far

Who cares?

Who cares anyway?
Not me
There is not much more they can do to me
That isn't already been done

I have lost most of what I care about
Drama unfolds its ugly self upon me
I want my own life, own space
To be set free

But the tide keeps on changing
Time after time
And what I want vanishes deep in the night

Not much I can do
But move along too
I want so much
But get its never easy to achieve

Doesn't mean I give up
But feel a sense of fuck off
Who cares
I am sick of it all

Sick of all the whining, even mine
I wish I didn't have all this strife
Like the dogs chewing up my favorite phone and only pair of glasses
For extra fun and money my dog got hit by a car

And my car needed extra work
The bills keep mounting and I am looking for work
That seems to be the least of my worries too

I am sick of all the lying
I feel like I am constantly trying to play someone else’s game
I try hard not to want to die
But holding my head up is fucking hard
As all the rest has been

And as I have tried to give up
I just don't know how to go on this way
Something's got to change
I hope soon

I tried to get the hell out of this town
But have to stay because of so many reasons
I feel like I have bricks on my feet
I am forced to stay put

I want to forget my life
Get over what was
Move on to something new
But instead I am forced to look, but don't touch
Infuriating, aggravating, and sickening

I am trying though
To give up how I thought it would go
And maybe who knows
Maybe I'll get a sweet surprise
But I doubt it