Destiny wants me to kill myself

Being an abused child
Ruins your life from day one
And I wanted to make it stop so bad
But couldn’t, so all I wanted was to die

But never did I find a way out
And I had to endure all the abuse
He made me put up with it
He silenced me

I endured abuse since him
And the same old feeling came back to me
I just wanted it stop
But didn’t know how, so I wanted to die

I believe we have a destiny that is good for us
And a destiny that is bad for us
The bad destiny, I believe pulls into doing bad things
And the good destiny leads us to our best

Destiny wants me to kill myself
She wants me to end it all
Thoughts in my mind
Perpetuate this truth

Thinking what is the point of my life
Who in the hell am I?
Will this damn suffering ever stop?
I can’t endure much more of this

I feel like I can’t kill myself
Like my hands are tied behind my back
And the loaded gun is just out of reach
But I see myself die constantly

On the highway into a ball of flames
Shot by someone else and bleeding
Falling off a mountainside
Burning in the night

It is a morbid existence for sure
And I see that it doesn’t help me be in the moment
It doesn’t help anything
In fact, it makes it worse

And unless you have experienced this kind of pain
You don’t understand
As you would almost do anything to live without it
But it terrifies you to let it go

I move on
I focus on getting better
I encounter some asshole who thinks I am mountable
And when I crumble into my pit of despair

Destiny’s always there
Calling my name
And telling me it would all be better if I did it
Telling me to kill myself

And if not for her wanting me too
I would do it
As life is harsh and hard and lonely
And I feel that sense of fuck off

I don’t know why I bother sometimes
It is almost too much to bear
I work so hard everyday
All the things I am supposed to do

And I feel I just get more and more smacked around
Which always make me think of granpa
And what he did to me
And that always makes me want to die

Why do I bother?
Did I ever really believe good things were coming for me?
I mean this is me I am talking about
My life

And my life is full of shame, pain and sorrow
Loneliness while everyone stares at me
What did I think was going to change, if anything
And why did I ever believe it

How do I get ahead?
When I am pushed so far behind
And if not for them wanting me to
I would

As I know Destiny would prefer me to off myself
They want only bad rotten stuff for me
And I have been strong
I have endured

But what is the point now
When does it end?
I don’t know
And now I don’t care

It’s like some kind of moveable walkway that’s stuck in one place
Always promising to take you somewhere
But you always just end right back where you started
And I am sick of it

Broken and empty promises
Breaking my back to try and change my life
Bad news comes calling
Bitter resentment that I must fight from becoming

I can see how some things have changed
But it is not enough for me
I am still so cold
And tired

I need a new life
Not just a promise of one
I need people to think about me
Not just push me aside

But who I am kidding
People are too caught up in their own shit
And I am not climbing through theirs anymore
To get to mine

Nothing to do but give up
Or maybe I’ll just let go
And not care how it goes
Because I still hurt and suffer

And I am the only one who cares
Then this is my life
But still she whispers
For me to do it

Dinner for one
But I still cook for two
Am I supposed to get some point?
Is it over for me here

I know it would not be better if I killed myself
I know the pain would not even stop
It would only endure in a different way
But how then do I make it stop

There is no way out
This is hell
And I am trapped deep inside
Alone and suffering

Passersby smile
Strangers give me a funny face
Loved ones hide inside their own lives
Time passes way too fast

And I can’t keep up with the nonsense of it all
And I can’t make things better
Nothing to do, but . . . .
And that I can’t do

I know it won’t be right
My hands are tied deep behind my back
And the loaded gun is just out reach
I stretch to one side trying to see if I can get it

But I made a promise long ago
And I am bound to it
Death will not be an easy way out for me
The only way out is through

And I know
To Kill myself
Would be the ultimate mistake
One that I would never get over

My stubborn strength
Comes and comes
Even when I am sure I am out
So I can handle this fucked up place

But it is her, Jenny that has the doubt
She has been hurt by everyone
Grandpa uses her time and again
Can’t anyone help stop it?

Don’t you care?
You used to
But then you were gone
Where did you go?

I counted upon you being there
To hold my hand
So Jenny could find the comfort she needed
But alas we are alone

And I see I have to hold her hand
While no one holds mine
As no one cares
Not even the ones who love me

And there’s nothing left to do
Or is there?
I won’t get better
Or will it?