Is this my life?

I have spent so many years
Lingering between reality and me
There is no compromise
That I can find

I haven't given up
As I promised myself
I made a promise to you too once
But I don't know to keep it

Life doesn't make things easy
And labeled with a past like mine
Is a sure fire way to failure

Things get so confusing for me
But I carry on
As life demands me to keep walking
Even if I resent it

I feel so confused and alone
But it appears that this is my life.
There's nothing more to do than resign myself to it

I suppose its just me out there
I don't think I can do relationships anymore
What is the point really?
I don't think I will ever be perfect enough for people.

I really hate going through this shit
And feel I would be better off if I shut that door forever
I mean how bad could it be really?
Alone?

I have done alone
I get alone
I am used to alone
I suppose I will have to make my animals enough

I can have a few kids on my own too eventually
Doesn't much sound like fun, but hey
I can hire nannies to help me,
A Cleaning crew too

I will just have to immerse myself in my work
And maybe I'll end up as one of those women who devotes her life to living with animals in the wild.
I could study animals, paint them, take pictures of them
I could move me, my children and our pets to Africa
Raise the kids and separate myself from the world

It sounds nice, maybe safe
I trust a pride of Lions with my life more than a group of strangers
Maybe living with people is not right for me

I mean I would have to do some pretty heavy lying to myself
I would have to ignore any sexual feelings I have
I would have to put myself back in the box
The cramped, dirty box

I tell you I would choose that over dealing with this shit anymore
Over almost getting what I want, then it all getting taken away

I know my box
I can handle it
And maybe I will eventually forget all that I wanted

I am my own person
I don't need anyone
Even if I don't believe that now
I am sure I will eventually

It can't be much worse than this anyhow
As unfulfilling and intolerable my life has been
It might be a step up

I don't need anyone
I am fine alone
I never wanted fine, but this is my life