Be still my soul

Quiet
Peace
Brings about the truth
Be still my soul

Loudness
Anger
Fear
Drives it a away

Out of so many others
You picked me
And I feel like such a failure
And try so hard to end it all

It feels so hard, all the time
To let ANYTHING be
How do I make this
Or get to where I am going

Nothing is as it seems I know for sure
I have ran so far and for so long
And all the while you still remain with me
Do I deserve your love, my creator?

Why do you want mine?
I am wrong all of the time
I fail as much as the many stars you placed above my head
How can this be what you want

Be still my soul
Be still
Believe and it shall be
All good is coming

Turmoil
Loudness
Make it all end please
I am not good

You ask to much of me
There is no end
And it is all I want
Be still my soul

Shaking
Freaking out
Facing the real dangers that lurk around me
Failing to succeed

A purpose
It is all for a mighty purpose
But in the darkness at the bottom
I sit inside my soul and wait

Be still my soul
Believe in what you are told
God had made promises
And God has never lied

The purpose lingers in the space
Trapped like a to do list
I don't fucking care about the purpose
Until the moment is over
Until everything is clear again

I feel strapped in, caged
With my hands tied behind my back
Like it is supposed to happen
And I mustn't stop it

I see out of foggy eyes
But a second pair illuminates me
And still I persist inside the darkness
And the moment lingers

Be still my soul
Quiet
Peaceful
It is all Coming in close now

I freak out
Am supposed to
I come close
But now understand

The purpose is driven home
I hitch a ride
As I have chosen correctly
The light and love is my choice

And after the objective is realized
I can finally rest and breathe
But it is not long before another comes knocking
And wishing I could fly changes nothing


July 27, 2009

Fuck it never matters

I guess it never really mattered
I suppose the things I learned growing up are true
People will fail you
And love conquers nothing

I suppose being alone and dead inside
Is not a good fate for either of us
But you can't admit you love me
Haven't been able to for years now

And I can't come crawling again
Not when I know it's your turn
As I will never give you more than I have
Until you meet me half way

So you want it to be over
And I have walked away
But I can't carry on without you
So my life goes in circles

I don't need anything
What is life really?
A moment here, there
Who really cares

I suppose I get it now
I never really did matter
And why did I think I did
I should have seen it all for what it was then

But when his ugly parts met mine all those years ago
I could neither accept or deny
Only become
And that is what really fucks you

And now I have seen it
Me as the one who is
And now I ask for nothing
Nothing in and nothing out

If nothing comes my way
Then nothing won't be used against me
This is just a stupid life
And one day it will end

And until then I will just have to look away
From what I feel inside
And what I want
A life of service to others and nothing for me

Not so bad
Not so rewarding
But it is one that THEY can not beat me with
So it is ok

As what else am I supposed to do
Life is too much for someone like me
And I wouldn't mind going it alone
As long as you get rid of these damn feelings

But you never do
And things don't really change
Not for me
For everyone else but me

It is everyone else's turn
And I don't know if mine is coming
But maybe I am better off here
The place that I have always been

And while I truly don't want to stay
I can't leave here on my own
And that I know
So it seems all is for not

And while it comforts me in the most familiar way
I could do without it
But changes can't always be made especially on your own
So I am left behind to sit in my past

And if people really new the truth
I wonder what would it change
As life is not what they think

Marie and Jenny

Fucked up world

Abuse comes in all forms
It destroys the spirit
If it gets it's way
And often it does

One of the kinds
I most destest
Is female mutilation
All because these men feel their penis is inferior

As women have 1000's more nerve endings
And their orgasms
Are unmatched by men
And these men can't handle that

And I say fucking tough shit
Deal with being a man
As we are perfect as we are
And you should not touch that

Muslims say God honors women
So they must cover up
Because every part of the woman is appealing
And some must hide even their face

But all that says to me
Is these men can't keep it in their fucking pants
If they see a woman's leg or hair they get turned on
It is disgusting
And has nothing to do with God

I feel so naseous when I think of it
How Muslims view women
How their women are brainwashed
All by "A MAN'S VIEW POINT!!!"

Mohamed was a mere man
And couldn't read
And his family wrote his suppossed words from God for him
And being human I am sure they wrote it from their own desires

It is so fucked up
So many follow and believe this shit
It makes me think I need to look for the good in it
As all I can see is bad

As I know love is easier
I know I am supposed to love them still
But I hate this way of life
It goes against all good

But how then
Do you overlook this atrosity
As I can't turn my head
Not when so much is wrong

Hearing a little girl screaming
"She's cutting me!"
"She's cutting my bits!!"
"Stop!!"
I just want to stop them

And afterwards the scared little girl hears,
"You lie, It did not hurt that bad!!!"
How must the little girl feel
How alone she is

She was cut by her mom and aunt
And has to deal with her womanhood being taken away at such a young age
And she is not even matured yet
She never got to meet the woman God created

How scared
How sad it all is
I wish we could educate them all
Change this fate

Makes me cry
It makes me sad
What the fuck can I do
It is the Muslim's point of view

I am not against Muslims
I am not against "Any one!"
But I DO NOT AGREE
And will not

I can't believe it is elder women
Who perform this action
How brainwashed must you be
How threatened these men must be

I know it happened to them
As they were abused to
And then they go and abuse their little girls
And I just can't stand it

And I think of them
They will never know pleasure that God intended
They will never know a mulitple orgasm
They will never be anything more than a hole for a man

And I am enraged by this!!!
Now and I wish I could shake them all
And tell them to wake up
Look at what you are doing

As God made women this way
And they say they do it for God
But men do it for themselves
As they can only have one orgasm

Muslim men, some
Believe they are superior to women
And as such
But I believe the table should be turned

And the men should be locked up
Or hanged like they hang the women
I don't care
Evil is evil
Dumb is dumb
And being so absorbed in yourself has a price to pay

And the women suffer in silence
And the men should pay for their crimes
It is about time for their turn
Women have done their time

From the honour killings
To beating your wife for using her brain
For having her cover her body up to her eyes
For not letting her voice be heard
For keeping her in the past
And not letting her free
For taking away all her rights
For cutting out her pleasure and desire

I guess I hate all kinds of abuse
Sexual
Emotional
Physical
And that goes for animals too

But cutting a woman
At her very most core
To nueter her power
So men can feel dominate

To me is a heinous crime
One that all I do is write and share about
I wish I could do more
More to wake up the sleeping dead

As I know all of THAT is not God
Because it is not LOVE
And that is all God is
And this shit is anything but

And here is a fucking tip!
Stop doing anything and everything for God
As I assure you, all God WANTS you to DO
IS LOVE!!!

Knowing

My soul knows we fit
She knows you are it
We both understand
That you and I are one in the same

And that is not going to ever change
I don't need you to be anything for me
I don't need you call or write
I just wish I could put my arms around you and squeeze tight.

And when I think of that
I feel happy
Then sad in a longing way
And my stomach gets what I call Jen sick

Queasy and churning
And full of emotion
My body feels up with love and desire
And I long to dance in your flame

But I don't need you
Doesn't mean I don't want you
But I get I am lucky just the same
As someone had to break my heart and I am so grateful it was you

And I know if not for all the stuff that I have gone through
I would not know myself as I do
And that is worth it still
Even though I can't see you

And while I feel so left behind
I have changed my focus
This year for starters
I will go to Hawaii and Brazil to shoot pictures of wildlife

As what I understand and realize
Is that I am on a special mission
And that I must do on my own
And while I get lonely

I am never alone
As light surrounds me
And teaches me
How to overcome these awful moments

And I am tested
Time and again
And this last time
I didn't think I would make it

I came right to the edge
And was ready to jump
But at the last second, the beauty came into focus
And saw it surround me and I chose it

It carried me up the mountain
And I slept
And when I awoke
I felt peaceful again

I am sure I will be tested again
And I believe I will make it
But even though it is not reality that I am fighting
But chaos and darkness

And that can't be seen by the naked eye
As I do not fight it for me
I fight it for life, love and possibility
One that leaves me happy and free

And while I may not have the life I want now
I do wish to eventually
But for now, I will carry on
Just as I have many times before

Chained

I do not have far to fall
As I lay there on the ground
Gravity has taken it's toll
And everything's turned around

It's easy you see
To stay here
I guess that's why I do it
Because sometimes it seems so hard to get through it

As being beaten up by life
Is more than I desire
And while it might not be all bad
I often have been burned by the fire

Which seems to be always traveling through my life
Filling my mind up with hardship
And while I am sure I am strong enough
It doesn't always seem to help

As what I would like is less shit
Less drama and people in my way
While they serve their purpose and teach me
I am tired and want them to move on

And it seems that what I most want
Is often the weapon
To be used against me
And bring me down

I often have trouble
Believing what I see
And sometimes feel
No one really sees me

So I just lay here
On the ground
Hoping all will get turned
Back around

But it is hard you see
To believe what I have seen
And somewhere inside me
I know the truth is waiting for me

Where love flows free
And life is full of might and peace
And if that is not now
There is a promise that it will be

And when the heaviness of the moment passes
And I can see again
I sit up and look around
And search for a friend

And sometimes I feel all alone
But know that is for the good of me
And sometimes I feel chained and stripped of all my fire
And that is how it feels many times

Getting up
Might seem easy to some
But until you've been there
You can't quite see

The eyes will fool you
No matter what you do
But there's no foolin me
Not after what I have seen

Long moments
Are hard and linger
Happy and peaceful ones
Pass quickly by

I don't have a clue
About so many things
As what my minds eye can see
Is futuristic and a possibility

I feel what I most want
Is barely within reach
And my arms never seem to be long enough
Or strong enough

And what I most wonder
Is what that means about me
As sometimes I feel
Like a throw away

Or maybe like a cellar child
Someone they don't look at but feed
Or maybe it's just me
Being a drama queen

Anyway, special or simply me
I feel life has been hard on me
And while I have learned from all these things
I am hoping one day to be free

Knowing

My soul knows we fit
She knows you are it
We both understand
That you and I are one in the same

And that is not going to ever change
I don't need you to be anything for me
I don't need you call or write
I just wish I could put my arms around you and squeeze tight.

And when I think of that
I feel happy
Then sad in a longing way
And my stomach gets what I call Jen sick

Queasy and churning
And full of emotion
My body feels up with love and desire
And I long to dance in your flame

But I don't need you
Doesn't mean I don't want you
But I get I am lucky just the same
As someone had to break my heart and I am so grateful it was you

And I know if not for all the stuff that I have gone through
I would not know myself as I do
And that is worth it still
Even though I can't see you

And while I feel so left behind
I have changed my focus
This year for starters
I will go to Hawaii and Brazil to shoot pictures of wildlife

As what I understand and realize
Is that I am on a special mission
And that I must do on my own
And while I get lonely

I am never alone
As light surrounds me
And teaches me
How to overcome these awful moments

And I am tested
Time and again
And this last time
I didn't think I would make it

I came right to the edge
And was ready to jump
But at the last second, the beauty came into focus
And saw it surround me and I chose it

It carried me up the mountain
And I slept
And when I awoke
I felt peaceful again

I am sure I will be tested again
And I believe I will make it
But even though it is not reality that I am fighting
But chaos and darkness

And that can't be seen by the naked eye
As I do not fight it for me
I fight it for life, love and possibility
One that leaves me happy and free

And while I may not have the life I want now
I do wish to eventually
But for now, I will carry on
Just as I have many times before

Cellar Child

Hated
Mistaken
Used up
And things don't change

I am the one that nobody looks at
I am the one that they don't see
I don't understand why
Nobody cares about me

Right in front of their face I sit
Not asking for anything
As I am out if sight too
Kept down below beneath their fright

They feed me
And throw blankets down
But do not love me
Life rebounds

Who I am in this equation anyway
What is the role that I play
How long does this game get played
What is the point anyway

As what I see
Is not what you do
And sometimes I wonder
What gets me through

And how long does this go on
It does make me wonder
Not that I am rushing off anywhere
But I know I don't want to be here

Sitting
Waiting
Crying
Dying

Does life ever change?
Is this the best she has to offer me
What does it take to make her wake
As maybe she is just sleeping

Sleeping and idly sitting by
Life has forgotten me
Does anyone else see what is going on
I bet they all can't see

People only see themselves
And while they might care
They don't want to go to far
And what exactly do we have
If not each other

Parent Trap

How do you overcome your parents
And become yourself
Jesus said that the sin of the parents
Will be passed down to the fourth generation.

So how much of ones life is overcoming
What used to be
What was someone else
What happened yesterday

Time is flying by
And in the short moments of life
How does one know where their parents stop
And they begin

As learning who we really are inside
I guess is the point of it
But I assume you have to do the work
And Get rid of all that you are not

And in doing so
You might discover who you really are
But how does one know the difference
Between what they really are and what used to be

I get life is a self discovery
But who are we discovering
Them or ourselves
And how do we know which

It is confusing
That is for sure
And while I don't know what to do
I know I exist inside

Me just as I am
Without all the past or future
Raw and full of love me
Wielding powerful energy me

Perfect as I am
Having all already safely stored inside
Not needing anything else but me
Whole, complete and perfect

A parent will teach most anything
And a child soaks it all up without question
And then it all needs to be unraveled to be seen
And then it needs to be learned from and dealt with

Not to say that all is the fault of the parent
But so much of our unconscience selves
Gets passed down and learned
And that is the true failure
Although no one knows it

Are we really our parents?
Our Grandparents
Our Great Granparents
Our Great great grandparents

Will our kids really be us
And our grandchildren
And our great grandchildren
And our great great grandchildren

What a scary thought
And I suppose the biggest reason
Why I have no children yet
As I don't want to pass down "this" ball of shit I carry

And I suppose until I know how to let it all go
I will not become a parent
Not that I would ever be perfect
But I know I can do better
And they deserve better

How much responsibility do we have
And overcoming our parents and grandparents
Does that free us and our children of the sin

I don't buy into sin and hell
So I use the term as a behavior learned and repeated
I do not use it in the preachy nature of right or wrong
Good vs Evil

Life is life
Energy is energy
What is right for me
Might be wrong for you

But if I value and honor myself
I will make everyone right around me
And in doing so I make myself right
And I keep the drama gods quiet

But so much I fear
Is learned behavior
So knowing who you truly are
I think is actually very hard

But I believe
If you are willing to learn
And change yourself
Then I believe it is possible

Separated

Life is very particular
With many things
One being the closeness you are to other people
It varies with the energy you put out

For example
You and your Girlfriend are getting a long fine
And then something happens
And you start fighting

The something could be big or small
It doesn't really matter
What is the matter is the affect
The fight has on the two of you

As saying someone is wrong
Immediately create separation
If they are ever better or worse than you
Then there is separation in the energy

You can actually notice and see
When the separation taking place
As both people act more removed
And the love hides behind the anger

And you can feel the separation
If you choose to notice with your heart
As the closeness once shared
Is now the same with space in the middle

How much space depends upon you
And how wrong you choose to see them
As if they are ever right or wrong
There creates separation

What I have learned is to make them right
Make everyone right
As in making them right
I am not only right but freed

As it is much work to make people wrong
Negative is easier to do
But harder on you
It takes much work to be negative

So it may be second nature
To flick someone off
But it also has a horrible effect on you
And drains you too

If you are tired all the time
Notice that the energy you put out
Is probably negative
And that hurts you first

Fighting hurts the both of you
And that separates you too
The best way to retain closeness
Is for them always to be your equal

If they are ever above or below you
Then there is separation

But on the other side
There is no separation
At all
Ever

We are all connected
And the separation you create
Happens only in your mind
It Never actually happens

So if you feel separated
All you have to do is notice it
As if you live like separation is made up
Then you know nothing needs to be done

Judgmenting life

Jun 7, 2009

Judgment

All consuming
Sucks me dry
My thoughts become intertwined
Inside this lie

That I have to know
How it will all go
And I have to see
What the fuck will be

Or otherwise
It might be a surprise
And it could hurt
Or try and bring me down

As once it succeeded
In beating me to the ground
I was young and small
And believed all

All that was done to me
Was my fault
And that I was the same as my granpa
Evil, bad and wrong

So I started to judge myself in a new way
One that gave me no freedom
As I did not see another way
To let myself be

I had chosen without knowing
That I would carry his burden
And when I saw whom he was
I knew who I had to be

And judgments became me
And my life became his
And I didn't even know it as
I became many other people

Secrets frozen in time
Deep inside of me
It is hard to overcome them
But learning how I am grateful

But still judgments seem to rule
And my throne is littered with
The wrongs and should have been's
And I still can't see too clearly

My crown has such a distress upon it
My jeweled robe sits upon me
Heavy with so much self doubt
As being in the moment is almost impossible

But through it all I am learning
Learning who I am
And who I will be
As life is merely moments in a quickly moving time

And the most important thing
That I have seen is
Loving everyone no matter what
And to do that giving up all judgments is important

What helps me do that
Is righting everyone every time
Forgiving everyone every time
And being open and honest

As the quickness of life
Fades and folds slowly in the past
And what you see
Is what is, it becomes reality

And in the mere moments we are here
We can choose how it will be
But we have to act quick
As time is fading fast
And if we let it, it will be gone

Fear is the biggest contributor
Where judgments are concerned
It keeps most people running away
As if you are judging someone
You are not loving them

And most people are afraid of love
Giving or receiving
Pain, hurt, rejection and abandonment
Aid people in their protecting

But nothing really protects you like love
Judging yourself is just as bad
And it is my biggest weakness
I have a fetish with beating myself down

Maybe I am sadomasochistic
Or maybe I like it rough
Either way when fear comes calling
I start judging and shut down

I suppose old habits die fucking hard
And to ease the burden I once carried
I will give myself a fucking break
And let it all go

And notice it was not so very long ago
That I believed I would be punished severely
For being bad and evil
Which now I know is not true

So I suppose I can give myself a break
And remember how far I have come
And be grateful and proud of that
And the goddamn judgments can fuck off