Knowing

My soul knows we fit
She knows you are it
We both understand
That you and I are one in the same

And that is not going to ever change
I don't need you to be anything for me
I don't need you call or write
I just wish I could put my arms around you and squeeze tight.

And when I think of that
I feel happy
Then sad in a longing way
And my stomach gets what I call Jen sick

Queasy and churning
And full of emotion
My body feels up with love and desire
And I long to dance in your flame

But I don't need you
Doesn't mean I don't want you
But I get I am lucky just the same
As someone had to break my heart and I am so grateful it was you

And I know if not for all the stuff that I have gone through
I would not know myself as I do
And that is worth it still
Even though I can't see you

And while I feel so left behind
I have changed my focus
This year for starters
I will go to Hawaii and Brazil to shoot pictures of wildlife

As what I understand and realize
Is that I am on a special mission
And that I must do on my own
And while I get lonely

I am never alone
As light surrounds me
And teaches me
How to overcome these awful moments

And I am tested
Time and again
And this last time
I didn't think I would make it

I came right to the edge
And was ready to jump
But at the last second, the beauty came into focus
And saw it surround me and I chose it

It carried me up the mountain
And I slept
And when I awoke
I felt peaceful again

I am sure I will be tested again
And I believe I will make it
But even though it is not reality that I am fighting
But chaos and darkness

And that can't be seen by the naked eye
As I do not fight it for me
I fight it for life, love and possibility
One that leaves me happy and free

And while I may not have the life I want now
I do wish to eventually
But for now, I will carry on
Just as I have many times before