Just Jump

Written: Dec 5, 2013 2:25 am.

Standing at that cliff
The one I knew was coming
The one I have been looking for
Waiting for

It is the cliff I couldn't find
The one I wanted to see so long ago
Standing here
In front of me

I find myself shaken
Could it all have been for not?
Really what was the point?
I let it go

I choose to jump
I am complete within myself
I need no other
It's not a tale

It's what I fought so hard for
What I wanted desperately
To be standing
And staring back at only me

And be ok with that
Ok in the deepest parts of me
Without anyone missing
Or incomplete

I just didn't know how
To get here
I amaze myself
I truly do

I made the impossible happen
Again
It's great
But now what?

Now what do I do?
I know I jump
I know I let go
I just don't know much else

So I'll fall
If I hit the ground
I'll survive it
I am that strong

If I come to a place
That I actually like
I'll be better off
Knowing myself

It was always my first priority
It was never meant to last this long
But it went how it went
It took as long as it did

I don't regret that
And while I understand so many things
I don't get just one thing
It still eludes me

As I did not drag anyone along for the ride
But for sure I was followed
I haven't been alone the entire time
I don't yet understand why

But I am also letting it go too
As it's just time
For me to look ahead
Even though I still walk in two's

I am going to jump
Excited?
Parts of me
As I know it's going to take me to a new place

I am scared
Sure
It's always scary
Leaving the past behind

It takes real courage
I know I have that
I know it's the right choice
I don't question

My heart still aches
Love still makes
I am still not exactly
Where I want to be

Though I think
Something is happening
I think everything
Is changing

I am going
To jump
Jump
Jump

The cliff is high up
The fall is long
But will happen fast
Before my very eyes

And exactly what will be
Will be
So I jump bravely
Whole heatedly knowing I am now free

Back Door

  Written May 2, 2013 12:52 pm

Looking out the back door
I wait for what's to come
I wish I was not just seeing out
But making things happen now

Seeing out
Is it me?
Doing it to myself
Keeping me inside

Having it all
Circles my mind
You still circle
Every where I go you show up

Living
Dying
Waking up inside
Sleep walking

I feel I am awake
But still push it away
Press it against myself
And look away

What can I do?
What else is there to deal?
It's all just too much
And keeps on coming

I am at peace
But still stirred up inside
What exactly is going on
My life subsides

To the cool embers that still glow
Pushing me to face what is true
I can't keep ignoring it
Life still exists

I have learned to not look
At what I want
Because it doesn't seem
It's looking at me too

So I hyperfocus
On everything else
Waiting for it all to change
Or something new to come

But I also know
That things are on their way
Things I want
Trying to be ready

I open myself up wide
Pull out all of my insides
Rearrange it
Put it back together

I discard what I can
Face what I am able
While I keep what's special
In a special place

I know it all needs to be seen
So I repeat the process
I decipher what I can
Knowing my actions will change everything

Letting it all have its
Time
Place
Space to be

Letting it all go
Healing now
Sewing my insides
Back together

Leaves me wondering
Looking through the pane
Knowing it's only temporary
It will morph again

It always does
Bit by little bit
Change by small rearrange
Life just doesn't stay the same

It just looks that way
As so much has happened
To teach me what I needed to know
I have learned

I know I have
But still something is missing
Keeping me tied to my hearts ache
Wanting a release

I tried to be free of it
I tried to unleash myself
I just ended up
Back at square one

So its something for me to learn
From this place
I accept that
I embrace that

I am not always running away
I do dream of a different life
I do fantasize about what else could be
I conjure up simplicity within the pretending

I want things to be made right
But I also want to be safe
I want a new life
But also want to retain my strength

So that I won't second guess everything
Moving onto a whole new world
To live in possibility
Keeping all I learned in my pockets

I am not afraid to know
What is next for me
I have already seen so much
Believe I will get the life I want

Once I have learned
Once I grow more
Trouble for me
Is I always have an escape route

Always with my left foot out the back door
Thinking I would be better off
Believing I need to
Leave and leave now

The only proof I have to this
Is all the pain of yesterday
I want to draw a line in the sand
And then not cross it

But that's not reality
You can't live tomorrow
Through yesterday
No matter how much you believe you need to

No matter how you think you'd be better off
If you never this or that
I realize this
I turn around

I breathe
Let it be
See what I really don't want to see
Then I must accept it

Only then will I truly know
I am where I need to be
As scary as it is
Running never solved anything

Blurriness Between

Written: October 15, 2013 12:11 pm

Sometimes
I feel you
Close
Intimate

Without space
Between you
Between me
Melting into one

I can't see you
When I am awake
I can sometimes
When I sleep

You still won't talk to me
Pretending you don't care
Your actions still say different
Always did

I don't have to be apart of the lie
I choose to be me
Live how I am
Without constant regret

Or knowledge of how it really is
Should be
Isn't now
But should be

I get why you do it
Sometimes I am on that same page
Whatever will make you go away
I try

But sometimes
I feel differently
Damn the lies
And choices all

I realize it's not impossible
That you actually still care
And that is why
I still can't let go

It seems for real
That I hang on for a reason
It hangs on to me
I don't always fight it

Sometimes I give in
Embrace it
See it
Feel it

I feel at peace
Happy
Not living a lie
Just letting what is be

But due to you
I have to pretend
I have to run
I have to hide

I guess it's actually
Really due to me
I can't blame you
It's just easier if I do

But it's not you're fault
I cloak myself in the pain of it all
Hiding away
Thinking I am now safe

Safe from you
Hurting and leaving
Safe from me
Wanting or believing

If nothing comes out
Nothing goes in
There is no chance
Of getting hurt again

Or is there?
As life still happens
My heart hasn't stopped beating
I just pretend it has

I make myself believe
I don't really need it
Try to live with a knife wound
At the center

Incomplete
Open and pulsating
For a reason
A purpose

A great distraction
It can be
Pretending I don't care
It gets me by

Deep down I know different
I can and will admit
But after that what is there?
As I don't see how far veracity gets

If I could handle how I feel
There would be no problem
It would turn it's self up right
Illuminating the naked truth in time

If I could face myself completely
Accept it for what it is
It would most likely change
Change into something new

As I know I play a role
In keeping it this way
I am the one who needs space
It is on me that we separated

I was broken
Couldn't be repaired
Lost
Hopeless

I dragged you along
You had your own worries
It was all just too fucking much
Insanely goddamn ridiculous

It's good we parted ways
Even though you took my heart with you
I believe it was for a reason
But can't find it just now

I just know it's there
Like a shadow in the dark
The lines blemish
You imagine the worst

Whether or not it comes true
Doesn't matter
It starts to replace common sense
Reality changes in your mind 

Every time I run away
I have to eventually stop
It's impossible to run forever
It just can't be done

So in my more lucid moments
When my strength isn't failing me
I can see possibility
Inside the depth of the ravine

I no longer need to travel there
It doesn't help
Or solve anything
Make anything better

As I know where it leads
Round and round
Pointless ventures 
Then back up again

It's a waste of energy
But it's also not good for me
Life happens now
I don't need anything else to be

Even though I still feel you
I am strong enough
To let that be as it is
Without doing anything

Supposed To

Written: Nov 15, 2012 11:20 am

I know
What's  expected of me
I know
What I am supposed to do

It is my duty
To move on
Find someone new
Be done with you

They all want me to
Insist I should
Find someone else
Let you go

They aren't the only ones
Your family expects it too
And so do you
I know she does too

It drives her crazy
The past we share
How I am not with anyone
How you really feel

Truly without the lies
Between the lines
Is something right
But you don't admit it

It keeps you split in two
The you who pretends
She is where she wants to be
The face everyone else sees

Between the true you
The one who you are
Where your heart actually lies
Without the lies you tell yourself

I chose different
I chose to be true to myself
To not pretend
For pretending sake

I didn't move on
Just to try and be done with you
I didn't take someone in
Just so I could say I did

It is this that gives them all cause
Makes them think
They need to save me
But it only gives me pause

Cause I can't pretend
Not about this
You are just to strong inside
Making me admit the truth

Even though
I fought hard against it
Not wanting it to be real
I tried to move on

It is absolutely true
And I have to face it
I have to deal
You are just there

You're not supposed to be
You were supposed to leave
I was supposed to move on
Supposed to find someone else

But supposed to isn't real life
It is only a set of made up rules
Ones that I just can't seem to follow
No matter how hard I try

So it just makes sense
That everyone else would feel better
If I would play the game right
Removing you from my heart, forcing you out

I am always pushed to be with someone new
I am supposed to do it
But it is not at all
What is right for me to do

I know that
Because I can still see you
You are trapped inside
Like a life line

One that makes things right
Illuminates me from the inside
Showing me who I am
Keeping me right where I need to be

I understand
They all mean well
I get they only want
Me to be happy

They all want me
Not to be lonely
Have someone new
Who is good for me

They all think
If I just move on
I will be
A no brainier

But it's not that easy
Even though they tell me it is
I can't turn my heart off
So I can accept someone new

I know you make me happy
I do
I do
I really really do

I am not trying to fool anyone
Or make myself think its true
I'll try again
Try right now

I let you go
I do
Leave please!
Get the fuck out

But you won't
So I have to admit it
How it really is for me
Cause I don't need you

But I want you
What we shared was amazing
Minus all the pushing and pulling
Fighting and screaming

Through all that
The most precious moments existed
It is those I speak of
Those I want more

As I remember
The peace
The joy
The passionate life we shared

I am not confused about that
I didn't misread our chemistry
I didn't get confused
I know who we are together

I can pinpoint the exact time and place
Where I fell in love with you
And I know exactly where
You fell in love with me too

 I also know
All of that other shit
The fighting
The pushing away

The things that forced us apart
That got in our way
That came between us
Was not us

I get she is afraid
Of how you feel for me
So are you
Hell add me to that list

I get it is scary
Admitting you were wrong
Telling the truth
Starting over

I get it isn't easy
But how long
Do we really intend
To go on this way ?

You are certain
It won't work
You know that after all you did
It can't be different

I wonder if you can bet your future
On what you fear most
As from where I sit
Nothing is the same

So I don't question what we could be
I don't think it wouldn't change
I know we aren't the same as before
Everything is possible from this place

Goodbye to the person that I love the most in the world

Disclaimer:
(I write this for myself.  I blog this for myself.  I love myself and choose to honor myself, in doing so I also choose the hard road, the one less traveled. As I get most people don't fight for five years to get to a place of acceptance so they can honestly let go of the past.  Most people hate until they forget they ever loved and if it doesn't get buried it gets replaced.  It is the brave thing for me to do, to put it all out there like this.   I do it as it is real and true for me.  Not made up because I have an agenda or because I am hanging on.  It is just real inside me and this is what is being said.  It is what I need to say for my completion. It is only about me, and not about you. If you happen to read this and get any kind of understanding so you may let go of the past on a more profound true level, great, if not, great.  As I truly have no agenda. It took me 5 years to get what the fuck was going on, and now that I have I can see I need to truly let you go as you have asked. I have not been hanging on, just wasn't ready for this till I understood it all.  It is right for me, so those are my reasons.  I hope you don't read anything else into this even though I still love you.  I have not been able, with all my trying, to change that.  This is not about falling out of love, this is about letting go of what was. Thank you and goodbye.)

J,

From the moment I met you, you have driven me to push beyond who I am and into someone else. A person that was only possible before you showed up in my life. I fell immediately in love with you, almost in spite of what I tried to do about it.  I didn't even like you much back then and I was sure you were wrong for me. All the differences we shared were stark and our similarities were either mismatched or exactly perfect, being either the same and great or not compatible as we bumped up against the shared parts of ourselves we didn't like.  I had no idea then, who exactly you would be for me or the depth our love would go.  However, something inside me persisted to keep learning how to love you. 

You were the unlikely choice for me, for the reasons I listed a long with you scared the hell out of me.  Completely and totally scared the fuck out me. In some ways, you still do.  I didn't even get it back then, what the fuck was going on.  After I stopped running from you, I just tried like hell to get out of my shell so I could be with you.  As I knew it, at first deep down, then consciously, that I wanted to give you every part of me, if I had only known how.  I was driven, compelled even to change myself from a hurt and "abused" person into someone worthy of your love.  Trouble was I had no idea how to do it.  It was mostly trial and a whole lot of goddamn fucking  errors.  A long with pushing you away and pulling you close when I was able to have any kind of clarity that came from some kind of bravery I had not even realized I owned, much less knew how to call it forth.  It was the most amazing time for me, to go through it all with you.  Something I will never regret.  It was wonderful to love you and be loved by you, I have never before witnessed first hand such an intense and profound love with someone.  I have never experienced such drive or pull to be with someone.  No one has ever made me want to change myself so that I didn't hurt and push them away anymore.  Until you, I only wanted to push people away. You changed everything, everything.  Everything!

It seemed like walking through hell to complete our 8 year relationship.  We did the impossible together. I know you don't see it that way. But we accomplished a lot more than you can see with your plain eyes, you have to look from your heart. Where we came from in Chicago to where we got to in St Louis is not even in the same country of relationship.  If I didn't get stuck I and at which point it it all went sour, I would have taken us beyond infinity-just how much I love you. But unbeknownst to me, you were gonna take me somewhere I needed to go. Thanks for that.

I still get you don't get it all. But somewhere deep inside I think you do. I think you understand the profoundness of the love we share. This is why you run. I get it. It's why I run. So let's just run. It's ok to run.

I really only wanted you to know that I accept your decision. I have accepted it a long long time ago.  I knew many years ago, you needed to be in another relationship that was not with me.  I accepted it then. Then when it happened it hurt like hell, but I accepted it still, because I knew you couldn't truly see yourself as long as you were just looking at me. Life and reality became too muddled and it isn't easy to separate all of that.  Sometimes the best way to truly view ourselves is by looking through someone new, someone else.  So I am glad you found someone to be with, even though I honestly wanted it to be me.  I still accept it as it is important to me that you get what you need even if it's not with me.

I am headed into new grounds and need to draw a line on who I used to be so I let you go.

Be happy. I hope you truly are.

I accept that I will never see you again. I accept that you are gone for good from my life. I had hoped that it would not be forever till I could at least smile at you. But this is the life I live. Truthfully a mere smile would not suffice. So it's best that we meet next time around.  It's best that I don't see you again.

You are one of the most important people I have ever known.  But this is a grand thing you have done. Forcing us to separate.  It has made me seek deep within me and find out exactly who I am. Without your constant presence in my life, albeit was not a physical presence, I don't think I would be making the miracles I am today.  As I have felt you in one way or another for over the past 5 years.  I still feel you now.

I wish I could thank you. Send it out to the void and you would somehow get the message deep down in your soul where I know you still exist. I know your covered up. I know it's not really your fault.  Everything got too scary and I know I made that worse. I accept my blame and offer an apology for my part.

I wish you the best of luck in your life. It has taken me five years to sort this mess out. To look through the muck and mire of my life and my abuse and pull out bits and pieces of myself to try and make sense. I also pulled out bits and pieces of you and stacked them up till I was able to go through it all and face what I had done.

I guess I have been mostly mad at myself for pushing you too far. I guess it was perfect. Thanks for doing what I needed. I needed the pain of losing you to make me face my abuse. When you broke up with me, I tried to hide from you and I could not find a place inside where you didn't show up. The pain of losing you attached onto my abuse and it swirled together and overwhelmed me. I had no choice but to face it all at once. It was harrowing and if I had been weaker I would not have survived it, it was that hard for me. That is why I freaked out so bad. I could not help it, but still regret my desperate actions. I am so sorry.  

It is also the reason why it has taken me so long as it was not just about you. I dealt with all the pain I was experiencing.  Everything inside had to be looked at, discarded, rearranged or understood.  I actually cried every day for over two years.  I was releasing years of sadness and pain.  As I was left with huge mess from what my granpa did to me.  It wasn't until you walked away that I realized the severity and found courage to change.  In the beginning I changed so that I could be with you.  But shortly after, when I saw true change was possible for me, I spent years taking care of myself, loving myself and changing for me.  Thanks for being a reason when I needed one.

But still, it was what I needed. I needed to be free from it. You freed me. I am so grateful. I truly do love you so much. If I had been so lucky to spend the rest of my life loving you I would think I won the most priceless prize of all. But I fucked it all up. I get it. It's ok.

You're happy now. That is great. I love you enough to let you go. Be happy.

I suppose this is my break up letter, not that we are together. It's more of a break up from the past. I have been gifted with an intense and profound 5 years of getting to know me. And now it's time for me to move on to something else. It's time for me to live. I have done all the prep work I can do. There is just no more to discover. I get you, me and all of it in a way I never thought I would. It has just been walking the constant line with you that has taken me here. A place I am profoundly grateful to be. 

Although it was the only choice for me and before today I was not ready to put myself out there.  I needed selfish time to understand me, something I had never done before.  It is not true that I was waiting for you or anyone, but I was only concerned with dealing with my past and being free from it. As I didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, including you over the past five years.  It may have seemed that I was obsessing about you or hanging on, and that is false.  I was only able to deal with me and did not want to drag anyone into that.  I needed time to myself, as I said.  Now that I can honestly say I am ready, it is a wonderful feeling, a bit scary.

So I don't know how it's going to go. But I love you enough to say it's all ok.
I am really great. Been that way on my own for a while now. I don't need anyone, but do want to try and have a successful relationship now.

I am forever changed.

I only wish it would have come in time for you. But it goes how it goes. So maybe I'll see you next life. Maybe then I can love you the way you deserve and accept your love for me, the way I deserve.  We have been here before you know, maybe one of these lifetimes we'll get it right. :-)

Do yourself a favor and see the beautiful, talented and amazing woman that I see. You are more than meets the eye, a real gem, you just don't get it yet. Really really really get it. Maybe you have learned some things about you, I hope so, but trust me when I say that is just the tip of the iceberg and so much profound greatness lies below what you already know about you.

Oh and your family loves you. Love them freely. 

Enough of my wisdom (mini sermons, lol). Enjoy your life and thanks for everything.  Every small moment, every I love you, every sacrifice you made for me, and all in between that I cannot list as it would be way too long.  Just know I get it.

Me

Die or walk away

This is a monologue that I wrote in 2010, I am now ready to share it. It is something I am memorizing to preform at auditions.
Enjoy
Me



I know I told you that you could talk to me or not. I know I told you I was ok with it. But did you really think that I was telling the truth? Did you really think that I wasn't lying?  That I just didn't say that out of necessity because I had to be okay with it. Okay with not seeing you. Okay with how things are.

You acted like you could just come in and out of my life without paying any tolls. Well if you want passage you have to earn it.  You can't just come in and out anymore, I won't let you.


I should thank you though, as you have shown me that I will never again settle for that cramped little spot in the box your were offering. I want the whole shebang or not at all. And since I am certain you wouldn't dare, give yourself over to me, I choose to never see you again.

Yes, yes, yes, never see you again. You hear me!  Never. Ever.

It's not good for me. It's not good for me to see you knowing I can't see you. It hurts me to see you with her. It's not good for me.  I find myself wishing she were dead.  I find myself hating someone who probably is special in her own right because you picked her.

And for those five minutes that you smile at me taunting me to be honest about how much I love you, how I want to desperately be with you, how there is no other for me ever. And the minute I get real about all that, I have to stand up and force myself to walk away. And my heart is once again torn out of my chest and I am helpless to stop it. So no I don't want to see you. Ever again. No, no, no, no!

 I'd rather die than see you. It feels like dying and I am powerless to stop it.

It is has to be this way. I have to make it ok for me not to see you. You, when I want you so bad.

I can die or just walk away.

Protective Strike 2009 Rewrite

I wrote this poem in 2009, but am using it in a fictional book I am writing. It helps to reveal some of my feelings.  It is a pretend story that I am telling, but using my life as a base.  My feelings and my thoughts.  It is helping me deal with my past abuse and truly letting it go.  Giving me a voice to tell my story about how I was abused and what it cost me by having my grandfather sexually molest me at age 4.  It was a life defining moment for me, that left me crippled emotionally.  It has taken me many years like 30 to be able to deal with it.  I am writing a book about me, so I can give Vivien a abused person, like me at the age of 4, a voice to tell her story.  To share how she had been abused.  To share how her relationships blew up in her face and how no one gets her because she didn't understand love.  Not by choice, but because there was no room to learn it.  Others could never give her/me room to get it as they had too much baggage.  Such is life.  I have learned as I have taken the time to uncover it for myself.  But it was not easy.  So I wanted to re-share this shortened version, I removed all the crap I added when I was hurting.  It is going in my book.  The book about Vivien and me.  It will be awesome.  My hope is that others who have been through what I have been can relate to it to my story.  As there are so many who had been abused.  Sharing this poem about how abused people screw up love and let it slip through their fingers is a part of healing.

Protective Strike
This person you say you are
Is not you
Not by far
This is your protection

And if you didn't desperately want to be with me
And didn't love me that much
You would not have the protection up
You are scared

Afraid of loving
Afraid of being loved
Hurt and pain you get how to do
But letting me be who I am for you is way too scary

You can't just let us be
And I know I couldn't either
Always on the precipice of letting go
But I am changing

As your protection wouldn't be so in my face
If it weren't that way
And that is the real truth
You picked your fear over me

I know the pain you suffer
I know the fear too
Your grandfather hurt you
And you are too afraid now

I get it
I got hurt too
So many times hurt
At sometimes even by you

I know I hurt you too
I know you think it’s all we share
But it’s not
It’s just what is in front

Others don't see you
But I do
And I know this mean horrible person is not you
You do not have me fooled

The lies you constantly spin
The anger and rage you protrude
Seething with emotional discourse
Are so hurting you

I guess you don’t care
It feels more controllable 
Than letting yourself be truly loved
True love doesn't work right?

Everyone else in your life
Believe you are this deadened version
But only because they don't know you
And don't know how to wake you up

It is not fun
But be assured
It will not end
Until you put it an end

Look around you
Look in your apartment
I bet it is trashed
And has been since you got rid if that girl you didn't like

She wasn't me
And that was all you needed
To show her the door
And let another one in

I felt my flesh burn
When you touched her
And in my emotional cry
Did you feel me reach out to you?

(A funny Joke that came my way)
And I bet people on the street say
"Nobody goes in, Nobody comes out!"
She sent her soul mate away
And nobody has seen her since

She boarded up her heart and her life
And now she appears to be gone
But she is still there
She is just hiding

A spin off of Willy Wonka
But I think it fits
As so many times in your life
You have secluded yourself

I guess you think you are truly awful
And as Norma told me just this night
People who have been abused might do awful things
But it does not make them awful

And if you think you can show me
By getting a million girlfriends
I have already been told
As you want everyone to think
You fuck anything that moves

But I know the truth
I feel it
Your life will pass you by
While you sit alone
And wait to die

Unless you prove me wrong
By admitting you were wrong
Or you could just get a steady girlfriend

That would show me, ha!