To all you fucking perpetrators

First of all, get help!

You need it, if you look at a child and see a sexual partner. God loves you, I don't have too. So fuck you.

I know you read this, sick pervert. I know all of you sexual abusers read what I write as you get some satisfaction from my pain, don't you?

Being dark and desperate to fill some fucking void that you will never fill, by the way, no matter how many little girls and boys you screw up. And a sweet little innocent 16 year old is too young and off limits. It is sick and dirty and it leaves her feeling so sick and so dirty. And I bet you aren't even satisfied? Because your kind of evil can never be satisfied with pureness and light. You need a dark escape not a beautiful girl.


And You can stick your infectious diseased penis in whatever hole you want to and you will never be satisfied or happy. And I hope your cancerous stick falls off you fucking asshole!!


And to all of you abusive and rapist husbands/boyfriends and to all the sex perps, get some fucking help or get rid of yourselves and if you need some suggestions, here is three:
1. Kill yourself, your pick. There's a gunshot to the head, hanging by a cord, burning alive, drowning and to all you pussy's you can swallow a handful of pills, just get rid of yourselves.
2. Get on a plane and crash on a island by yourself so you are forced to deal with your rotten self for the rest of your miserable life.
3. Or here's a fucking clue, turn your rotten self in as what you did is against the law and you deserve nothing more than being locked up for the rest of your awful life. Miserable alone and god willing suffering from some painful disease in your penis that you hopefully get from from being fucked by a larger version of yourself. As you two deserve each other and we deserve to be rid if you. You are too dark for human population so I hope death finds you quick and may God deal with you next. Good riddens as we don't need you fucking assholes!!!!!!

Written by a PISSED OFF 16 year old named Marie!!!
I suppose I should be grateful
That Marie is getting mad
As mad is better than sad

But still she is forced to see
The rotten hopeless life she has
Which is still very sad

But they all deserve what they get
As they brought this on themselves
And it is not to our regret

But if the punishment fit the crime
Than for sure they would suffer
And it would fall off into pieces

Here's hoping disease finds them
Good and happy
Then wreaks havoc and disaster

And if they should cry
Then let no one hear
Until they die

If I sound mean or uncaring to you
Then you don't know what I have been through
And unless you do

Don't judge my anger
As it is healthier to blog it here
Than taking it out on total strangers

The sexual perps
Don't need our help
But they do need to get help and that is up to them

But All I Can say is Fuck Them all and I do hope they die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep your promises to yourself

Promises full of good times
Ones that uncover the truth
Sit deep below my life
They beckon me to come farther

I believe them if only for a moment
The farther I go, the more I think
Maybe it's all just a joke
Or maybe it's just me

I am sure I can't have what I want
The past assures me I am right
I tried and gave it all my might
But why did I?

I don't see how I can keep going on
The promises won't shut up inside
The future can't be bright
Bleakness is all I have been trained to see

Maybe that is best too
As the pain, the goddamn awful pain
The gut wrenching, please just kill me now pain
I can deal with that pain

I have dealt with it for a long time
Now I wasn't happy with it
But I survived it
Survived them all

But the damn promises
Of love and light
Of things I most want
A different life

Those cause me so much more pain
As I am trying to believe they are real
Only to walk more distance still
And I can't go anymore now

So keep the promises to yourself
As if I have to be forced again
To deal again
Then leave me the hell alone

I know how to survive this pain
I am trying to learn new ways
But still I am held down and rapped
In so many awful ways

I am sick of trying to be different
I want to die today
Today is a good day
Mighty good day to die

What really will I leave behind?
Who really cares when I am in distress
Life doesn't work that way
No one can help me through it

And they only gawk at me
They can't even speak to my needs
I am on my own
I hate that, but can't pretend I am not

Life was supposed to be different for me
But I have seen too much
Experienced too much
And heard too much pain from those I love most

I can't continue on this way
I just want to get off now
Who do I talk to about that
As driving reckless doesn't seem to help me get there

I mean what if it did come true?
What if I was loved just like I am?
What if who I am is actually ok?
But its not

I have been told it is not
By everyone
I know it is not ok
I am not ok

Why do I believe there is something special for me
Why do I think she actually cares
While I can't speak for her
I don't see it

So live, work, wake up, go to bed
Live work, wake up, write, live work
Wake up, try and sleep, write, work
Live, work, try and sleep, wake up, write

Doesn't seem to add up to a life that is special
But what did I actually expect anyhow
I have been through too much
Maybe I am ruined after all

Why does God hate us?

In a waiting room, a young four year old girl sits. She sits alone, but there is another four year old girl sitting next to her, holding her hand. They do not talk to each other and do not look at each other. Across from them, a six year old girl sits and stares out the window. An eight year old girl sits next to her, and a thirteen year old girl sits and talks with a fifteen year old girl, they discuss nothing in particular. Down the way two sixteen year old girls sit laughing, while an eighteen year old girl looks on next to a twenty year old girl and a twenty two year old girl who doesn’t say much, but sees everything. A twenty six year old girl holds a 32 year olds hand while her twins sit and stare.

The room is crowded but empty. Silent but loud. Big, but small. One but many.

I sit there, silently, tears streaming down my face. I am small and alone. I am hurting. Nobody listens. Nobody seems to care to help me. I must learn to deal with my pain by myself. I don’t understand why they don’t help. They tell me they love me. Love must be something bad. They tell me I love him. I don’t. I hate him. He hurts me. Why? Why does he hurt me? I am only four! I don’t want what he does to me . . . . . . . Won’t you help me God? Maybe God hates me!

I don’t like it either, but have learned to handle it. I am also four. I am tough, alone, and I don’t care. I don’t need anyone. Nobody comes. I don’t cry. I don’t let my true feelings show. I smile and all they think I am ok. I have found other ways to handle my pain. I shove in crevices, stuff it down when it bubbles up, I eat extra food and hurt myself. I am not happy. I don’t want to be alive, but since I am, I try hard to make it look like I want to be here. Like I am normal. Like them. Like God really doesn’t hate me.

I don’t much know what he does. I am stuck with the hidden memories of how it makes me feel. He still hurts me, but I don’t deal with it. I deal with what he leaves behind. I am only six years old. Born on the sixth, and six, it is supposed to be my best year, but all I see is pain. How my life will probably always be. I don’t let on that I know, and they don’t let on that they know, nobody ever says anything. I cry a lot. Feel a lot. Alone a lot. No God. He hates me.

I don’t want to carry on like the others have. Like I have seen it done before. I try a new approach, one that doesn’t need others to deal with things, but I find I cannot help myself and my body betrays me. I can’t keep my bladder from spilling in the night, I am ashamed of myself. I cannot communicate how I feel. I only feel the pain and the horrible stench of his breath. I stutter my words and want to play a musical instrument. I don’t have the self worth to play. I try the piano, but am too afraid to go to anyone’s house to do it. To afraid to sit there alone with my teacher as she tells me what to do and guides my hands, it is so haunting and I can’t take it. I am too scared to play so I quite. I hate myself. I can’t speak. I can’t keep my thoughts in my head, they are always leaving me. I try. No use. I don’t know what to do. I am so ashamed and scared all the time. I hate myself. Why can’t I make things better? But I want to know why does God hate me?

Me on the other hand, I don’t deal with much of what he did to us. But I have other issues I deal with. I have blood memories that I must control. Things cannot get out. Things cannot be out of control. I must retain the peace that appears. I must make it all go away. I must destroy the evidence. Make the memories disappear. I must. Why does God hate me?

I hate myself. Am ashamed at the choices I have done. I was born out of horrible circumstance. I was born into chaos and disaster. I had to do the best I could. I did not. I screwed up. I will always screw up. I hate myself. I hate others. I wish they would all just leave me alone. I wish I could unravel the life that I am and disintegrate into nothing. I wish they would not come looking for me. I hate them peering at me, like they understand. I want to be someone else. I don’t like who I am. I don’t want to exist. I hate who made me. I hate myself and I hate her. All of them. I hate them. I want to die. Please. I cannot live with myself. I cannot live with what I have done. Please just let me die. I didn’t want to exist. I was created by a split of the mind. I didn’t want it. The fucking responsibility. The Goddam torture. Why me? Why fucking me? Why does God hate me so much?

Picture a magical movie where someone gets eaten up by a million man eating bugs. You know the kind I am talking about. The flesh eating, punishing because you open the tomb, the- we will devour you and then come after your whole group, kind. Picture that and then see a beautiful, thin woman, who doesn’t know she is beautiful as the intended target for destruction. Someone whose light is bright and all that surround her is darkness and the dark creatures feed off her and try and distinguish her light. This is me. But I don’t know it is me. I can’t see myself. I see an ugly, horrible, unlovable, used up, fat woman with a big head. I see that I don’t want to be touched by the flesh eating creatures. I see I don’t want to be used up anymore, but I can’t say no to them and their darkness. I don’t know why. I feel the pain in my brain. I feel the end coming. I feel my body isn’t even there before my eyes. My soul often floats above it and I like it that way. I don’t want to come down. They hurt me. They stick me with their ugly parts and I can’t stop them. They consume me and chew up my flesh. They leave nothing behind in their waste. I feel so unloved. So alone. So hated. Why do you hate me God?

I am much better than her, also sixteen, but I don’t hate my life. I am scared all the time, but have fun with people. I don’t even know how I get to these places, or see all these faces, I don’t know how I end up doing the things I do. I get high, drunk, kiss a few boys, but don’t really like it. I am popular, thin and people tell me I am beautiful. They act like I am somebody important, somebody special, I like that. I want to be. People are mean to me, even though they worship me. I don’t feel hated by God, but don’t feel loved either.

Enough torture is enough. I have the strength, the power, to end it all. To make all the flesh eating monsters go away. I can ensure the safety of the rest. I can make all of them disappear. I won’t forget them. I won’t let them inside me again. But the burden is not mine. I find a different road and don’t want to share in the pain. I am a bit different, older by a two years, but I don’t have to be apart of the past either. I am not sure if God loves me, I don’t think I am worthy of love. I don’t think I do anything to be loved. I don’t think I like love either.

Life never seems to take a different course, as soon as it seems like it might get better it doesn’t. I was created to fight a new monster, low life’s scum suckers, people with very little light and no care for how they treat others. I awoke to find myself in some institution, not the sickly kind the betterment kind. I fight all the dark souls who come my way. Some are dark because they don’t know better and I think others choose that way to live. I meet a few people whom I like, even a pretty girl or two, but I can’t get what I want. Why do I even try? It is useless and pointless. Fight after fight I try and stand up for myself. I mostly fail, and eventually I can’t do it anymore, so I get to leave. I wouldn’t let them make me bow down. I wouldn’t let them have their way with me. Is that why they hate me? Doesn’t matter much, but I seem to go from one shit hole to the other. I get a nice girlfriend somewhere in between, but her dad is perverted and I only wish I could once again leave. She and I fight so much. I try and leave, but can’t ever seem to. I am so useless and hopeless, I cry all day long a lot. School is good, but I feel like a failure. I can’t get up early, although I try so hard. So fucking hard I try. Doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Never does. God just hates me, I am only 20.

I can see far. I was born like a bright shinning star. I have insight, foresight, and have forgiveness too. I don’t hurt like the others. I am new. I feel more in the moment than in the past and I create my life from scratch. I meet all sorts of people, I learn what I can. Who I am eludes even me, but I start to see glimpses of treasures and light. No one believes me, as they still try and hurt me. I don’t look, or let them see me. They don’t get the body either. I am 22, a bit too young, but an old soul too. Life is ok, I would like it to be better, but think it can be. I don’t think God hates me, I think this world hates me.

I am brought about by the stare of familiar old man. I come with strength and determination. I come to rule them all. I can handle anything and when I can’t, I can shut the whole system down so that nothing gets in. I am twenty six, but not really. I mean who is really their age. I am much older than I feel and much younger than I look. I am the one who has to start and try and deal with what he did. But there is no help, much resistance and fear. I get involved with someone who lights my way. She seems to draw out the desire in me and I spent many years fighting to get out of my self so I can get to her. I fail more than I succeed. I don’t know what is to become of me. But think maybe God does hate me, as why does it always go this way?

The last of them, as I can take it from here. This woman she spoke of, made it all start to clear. But maybe who I am is not enough for anyone. I mean, what really is going on that all of this has happened. I am not familiar with their tales, I only have bits of memory and I can’t seem to let myself be. I move constantly and can’t take my eyes off myself. I try and kick my ass into shape, but nothing happens. I get furious and try and change, but I can’t do it alone. I go through many things, many years, and start to make progress. My story is still going on. I don’t remember my beginning and I don’t have an end. All I have is my two twin sisters to help me along the way. I think maybe God does hate me. He took her away.

I am the one they call Angry. I can fight with anyone, any day. I don’t need a reason to push people away. They have proved time and again to me that they are good for nothing. I can’t trust them, and they know it. I don’t want them. I want to be alone. I hate them all. I hate God too.

I am not angry, I am not happy either. I try and be open or try and be the part of us that is at least interested in things changing. I work hard to fix what is wrong, but there always seems to be more work than I can handle or so I transfer my fixing to others who need it. As I can’t help myself, but maybe they can benefit. I don’t like to fight. I like to love. But don’t always get the opportunity. God do you hate me?

God walks in to the empty room.
He takes the first girl by her hand and the second four year old too.
He tries to tell them that she loves her, but it doesn’t help.
They don’t believe it.

Sweet, beautiful

Sweet, sweet beautiful Jenn
I forgive you for hurting me again
But I do not want to be your friend
As I fear I will love you until the end

To stop thinking of you, yes I am trying
But it feels like I am dying
And/or lying

As I feel you next to me
But wish you would just flee
It hurts me so because I want you near
But you have not made yourself unclear

So when my body cries out for only you
I try and think of what I can do
Go to the bar and find some hotty?
But with regret I would just feel naughty

So I try and sit with my feelings so
I feel you under me as we tango
Our bodies to and fro
And feels so I hot I wish I could go

It is almost too much for me to bear
So I get the thoughts out somewhere
And think of something other than you
Like maybe I'll get a tattoo

Back and forth I play this game
But truly I wish just to scream your name
Thinking of that gets me hot
So I go again with the not

Carry on, which way was it?
As nothing quite seems to fit
I don't care
Do I dare?

Oh I feel so sick
Like I swallowed arsenic
My hands feel tied behind me
As I move in between loving you and letting you free

As I do not long to push you away
Or to pull you close
As I hear in your voice all the dismay
But I still love you the most

And I do not protest to what you desired
And I know in my communications everything backfired
I just can't cut off my love for you
I just can't turn on a dime and be through

I know I haven't be the understanding kind
All the heartache for me has been too combined
I know you deserve more
And I am sorry for my uproar

I know I come off as over the top
But now I am in my own workshop
I know you need time to heal the deep pain inside
I hope that your world gets turned back upside

And I hope you get your hearts desire
Or anything else that you admire
But ask that you not begrudge me for wanting you
As I feel it through and through

I am living for me excitedly
Things are seemingly getting easy
But it hasn't changed how I feel about you
As I promise you, I love, love, love love you

Knowing that life won't stop for a broken heart
I try and remember people like Mozart
He kept playing and writing masterpieces
Even after his eyes no longer saw the creases

Chill out man, everything’s going to be allright

I guess I thought I would die without you

Today I feel so liberated

I wanted you so and got way to caught up in that

I just was afraid what would happen if I let go

I am not afraid anymore

I get why I need time to myself right now

I get that I need to focus on me

And maybe I wasn't as ready for what I wanted
I think I am more ready, but definitely need time to myself right now
So now I am open to being alone

I can see that this time will be good for me

I can get that this all has a purpose

And I blew everything out of proportion too
I acted like it was the end of the world
But I get I had to go through that, to see how strong I am

I freaked out and acted foolish
Sorry for that still

But now I am ok
Best ever
I am not upset anymore
I don't feel so hurt

I need time to focus on me
I need to deal with some things on my own, it is exciting as I am actually doing them

And I also need to learn how to love when I am alone
Before when I would have time away I would shut myself down
And then when I saw you I couldn't open up right away
Probably the biggest reason I didn't know how I felt
Or couldn't let it out
I was always pulling and pushing myself in and out
Also a reason why you don't think I love you

So I am good
Things are good
And I am happy today
Happy to have this moment to see me and to love me
To deal with what else I feel

Happy not to be hurting either by you or by me
I am good
Thanks for not letting me get my way
I don't know if it were easy
And while I think it all could have gone a lot better,
I feel that it is important for me to walk this path by myself
I feel like I am learning so much everyday and I don't have to worry how you are
That is nice as it is my time
I get how strong and powerful I am

So I am chilled, because I know that everything is going to be all right for me
I deserve love, to love and be loved
I deserve all the things I will get
I know that now
And I am happy that things are going better for me
I have seen my strength and my power
It is exciting

Opposite girl

Opposite girl
Lives in an opposite world
Alone and hurting
But she will tell you she is ok

She is too afraid to say what she feels
And instead will tell you the opposite
You have to listen and translate
And then you can see her pain

It is sad too
As her honesty is unmatched
But what they did hurt her too bad
And she can't trust you now

So she gets rid of you
And anything else she wants too
She says she is happy
She says stay away

But she only means
She is sad
And wants you to hold her
But is too afraid

Scared like the devil
Acts like him sometimes too
But I know the fear is too great
For her to love you

Scarier it is
For you to love her
And time and again
She'll tell you to run

Trouble is
I have never been good at doing what I should
And I love her too much
Even though she tries to convince me I don't

But yet, I persist
Even against her alarming screams
And I know I am doing the right thing
As I promised I would never leave

When she wakes up time and again
Or screams it in her sleep
It saddens me that she is hurting so
And yells "Please don't leave me"

This here is truth
Not lies
As she means what she has said
One of the few times she didn't hide

I know my promise is true
Even though I am hurting too
And at times try and run
But never from her

As it is only my hurts and fears about me
That make me try and flee
Buy still alas I am not able
And from deep down I feel grateful

But my beautiful opposite girl
Only tells you what she doesn't mean
She wants to find anybody
Who knows what she really means

And that person,
The one you are searching for
You beautiful firefly
Is me

It is a take on your name for me
Not usually
How I like to do things
But for this I'll make an exception

As to me it fits best
And just who you are
Knowing you as I do
And you deserve something too

Maybe not the most original
As I got it from you
But to me, it most definitely
Calls out your strengths

Fiery and strong and passionate
A bit annoying at times as they can be
But in a most special good way
And beautiful and able to reach new heights

You probably hate it
Don't you
But it just came to me
Like somewhere inside a beautiful dream

Trouble is my opposite girl
Believes opposite the truth about her too
As she could fly far with only a leap
But she believed all who told her she could not

She removes her emotions with a cherished friend
One she's had, just too long
As it removes the best parts of her too
And that saddens me all the way through

It is sad too
As most people don't know her
And the light she carries
And the beauty she brings

Is more beautiful than anything
And so much would transpire
And the world would desire
Such a beautiful thing too

If only she knew
What me and others knew
I think she could see what I see
And be who she was meant to be

She is lovely
She is beautiful
I don't mean the opposite too
I only speak the truth

But not my opposite girl
My beautiful opposite girl
You can be sure everything she says
She really means the opposite

And do you believe
I used to believe it was true
I used to be offended too
But now I see right through

Every day for her is opposite dayQuite an imagination she has
As what she doesn't say
Is the exact opposite of what she does

But all is ok
As no harm really done
She doesn't mean to hurt the ones she loves
She is just so hurting

A truth I know to be
And one that I take responsibility
Because of how I love her
And who I know her to be

I concede that it is me
Who needs to be patient
And that I do with a smile
As she is worth more than all the riches one could have

And I love her all that much too
Life can be good for both of us, together
We have already weathered the worst of it all
And I see the future is better

So if you know or see my opposite girl
Don't get lost inside the words
Just look down deep and see what she means
And give her a hug and then let her be

Has life always been this boring?

Life seems to be moving so slow
Maybe it is because I am in the moment
Or maybe its because I always been this bored
I just didn't know it before

Life is not fun for me right now
It seems to be work and way too much down time
It's not that I mind being alone
But this sucks

But I am so bored
All the time bored
Wondering what I am going to do bored
Living in one moment to the next, bored

I feel like I am watching the clock and it is ticking so slowly
I feel like time has slowed down
I feel like it is taking a hundred years for Jan to come
I fee like I am inside some chamber where time does not move

Maybe it is has always been this boring
I just didn't know it before
Maybe I was so caught up in distractions
I didn't see how utterly sad and boring it all was

I crave something new
Something with some spice or depth
I crave something to take the edge off
But I won't do anything naughty

I don't know what to do
Too much time is never a good thing
I can't work enough, see my friends enough
Life is so unfulfilling right now

I feel like a zombie going from thing to thing
Without any excitement or joy
The only time I look forward to is when I workout
I can't do much with my broken foot, but I can walk around a track

When will my life be right for me?
When will it fit me?
I hope soon

I guess I should be grateful that I am waking up from my nightmare
I guess I should cherish the down time as I will most likely get very busy
I guess I should enjoy each second
I guess I am taking something for granted

All I know is how things are, make me ancy
My life looks very different now, than it did before
Which is ok, but I want it to look different still

I can't settle with the smallness I have
I feel so suffocated by it
I can't settle with the safeness
I feel so incomplete and unfulfilled

I can't settle for the mediocrity
I feel so normal
I can't settle for the mundane
It never suited me

I want, need, desire, demand more
More from my life and more from myself
I want, need, desire, demand different
As I have been there done that and don't want a repeat of my past

Newness, freshness, a start over
That is what I am calling for
As maybe this all has some great purpose
But I just feel locked out of one door, waiting for the other one to open

No remedy for missing you

Her beauty
Her Grace
Her Style
She has is it all

I get overwhelmed with love for her
Whenever thoughts of her are near
My fears disappear

She overwhelms me
A tiny whisper of her settles deep inside me


Alone here in this place
Would not be so bad
Except for the constant reminder of you
That makes me feel sad

I see something you wrote for a friend of ours
Or I get a glimpse of
Or I remember yesterday
And my body hurts all over
And wants to beg you to stay

This would not be so bad except for the gnawing at my soul
As I can't let you go

It feels like you died instead
As sometimes I don't want to get out of bed
Other times I long to see your face
But know I can't
And it feels like you are dead and gone

I want to move away
Want to far
But think you'll just follow me
And there is no relief for missing you

I wish there was a pill I could take
A or surgery I could have
As sometimes I feel so bad
I wish I could stop all this missing

Maybe I have suffered enough
Maybe I have hurt enough
Maybe pennants are mine now

Maybe if I sit here in this lonely boring place
Maybe I will never turn my back on you again
Maybe I will learn
Maybe I will not let my past hurt us

Is this my life?

I have spent so many years
Lingering between reality and me
There is no compromise
That I can find

I haven't given up
As I promised myself
I made a promise to you too once
But I don't know to keep it

Life doesn't make things easy
And labeled with a past like mine
Is a sure fire way to failure

Things get so confusing for me
But I carry on
As life demands me to keep walking
Even if I resent it

I feel so confused and alone
But it appears that this is my life.
There's nothing more to do than resign myself to it

I suppose its just me out there
I don't think I can do relationships anymore
What is the point really?
I don't think I will ever be perfect enough for people.

I really hate going through this shit
And feel I would be better off if I shut that door forever
I mean how bad could it be really?
Alone?

I have done alone
I get alone
I am used to alone
I suppose I will have to make my animals enough

I can have a few kids on my own too eventually
Doesn't much sound like fun, but hey
I can hire nannies to help me,
A Cleaning crew too

I will just have to immerse myself in my work
And maybe I'll end up as one of those women who devotes her life to living with animals in the wild.
I could study animals, paint them, take pictures of them
I could move me, my children and our pets to Africa
Raise the kids and separate myself from the world

It sounds nice, maybe safe
I trust a pride of Lions with my life more than a group of strangers
Maybe living with people is not right for me

I mean I would have to do some pretty heavy lying to myself
I would have to ignore any sexual feelings I have
I would have to put myself back in the box
The cramped, dirty box

I tell you I would choose that over dealing with this shit anymore
Over almost getting what I want, then it all getting taken away

I know my box
I can handle it
And maybe I will eventually forget all that I wanted

I am my own person
I don't need anyone
Even if I don't believe that now
I am sure I will eventually

It can't be much worse than this anyhow
As unfulfilling and intolerable my life has been
It might be a step up

I don't need anyone
I am fine alone
I never wanted fine, but this is my life

The doors never open

I try so hard but it doesn't seem to matter
I want to make things better for me
But feel like I don't have any control
The doors won't open
And I am stuck inside
Alone

Locked behind some made up prison
It started out being a safe place to hide
But now it hides me from what I want

Every time I try and get out
I get lost in the labyrinth in my mind
It gets dark and I can't find my way

I deserve more, but can't see how to get it
I could be right in front of my face and I can't see it
I can't pull it apart
I keep on trying

Still I am blindly walking
This is this pits
Living in hell
Alone, scared, sad, depressed
Aggravated, consumed

I feel so alone
I am scared that I will be hurt or that things will go bad
I am depressed that I can't get comfort
I am aggravated that this is still the focus of my life
I am consumed by it all and resent it

I have set up so many different doors
I have made it difficult for anyone to get in
It is safer that way
But now I can't get out

I was only four when he hurt me
I didn't know better
But now it seems like I am forced to pay for his crime

I pay and I pay and I pay and I pay
I don't want to pay anymore
I don't want to be alone anymore
But I can't figure it out
I can't even connect with the emotions
I am just forced to be blind, trying to figure it out

Forced, sad, alone, tired
Its looped in my life
I know I am not really living
I am forced to be caught up in this shit
I am sad that I can't get out
I am alone and scared
I am so tired of dealing

I want to be done
I want to be free
But there is always more to deal with
Always

No matter how hard I try

What the hell am I supposed to do?
I don't know how to help myself
I try and open the doors, but they don't stay open

I feel alone and lost
I feel like I can't live this life anymore
I am wasting away

I can't find work
I can't go to school
I can't move away

My counselor can't see me
And when she does I feel like nothing happens
I want help
I need help
Won't anyone help me?

I am completely alone
Trying to do my best to get through this
But I feel like I don't know how

I feel like my abuse is coming through
But I can't see it
I am so disconnected from it
Have been my whole life

How do I change something that I have done for over twenty years?

I feel so lost and alone
I am trying break free
But the doors won't open

People don't call me
Nothing seems to be happening
It is a familiar feeling

Happens to me alot
I want more than I know how to achieve
I just want to give up
I don't want to go on like this

There is no way out
I don't see any light coming either
Such a waste of a life
To always feel like this

It is very sad that it happened
But what the hell I am to do

The only thing I know is to not care
To stop wanting the things I can't have
But I am learning that only perpetuates it
And when I have to eventually admit the truth, it makes it harder

Harder
Always harder
It never gets easier
If I couldn't handle it, I would be dead
Sometimes I resent my strength
As it doesn't ever seem to change anything
It just enables me to suck down more shit

Well I am closing my mouth
I am done with this game
I will not accept it anymore
Something else better come than

It might even be close
I just don't know how to see it or make it happen

I am becoming who I already am

For my whole life I thought I was shit
Shit because my grandpa hurt me
I thought I was fat when I wasn't
Ugly when I was beautiful

I have fought my self esteem since I can remember
Thinking I was worthless
And if I ever forgot it there was someone there to remind me

My psyche has sustained much damage from all of this
I have not been a well person for a long time
I have made many mistakes trying to figure things out

I have gotten it wrong about who I am
That is the biggest mistake I have made
I mistook myself for a weak and worthless nobody

Many people agreed with me
by how they treated me
And I let myself believe it deeper

I didn't know any better, though
And I was very young when the first seed was planted
However evil never let up on me

But right now
I say to them all
FUCK YOU!

As they have no power over me
They don't make or break me
I DO

And I am sick of letting them tell me I am shit
When I am not
I am hot
And I know it
I am beautiful in more ways than one

Beautiful in many ways
Like how I treat people, animals, how understanding I am, my soul is rich and full of
love
I am a good catch and a good person

I think anyone would want to be with me
I have a lot of hurt and pain from my abuse
But I know who I am

For starters
I know how powerful and strong I am,
Kind, wise, intelligent and creative too

I know the kind of girlfriend I am
Caring, sweet, concerned, connected, loving, giving, open
worthwhile, involved, interested, lit up by you, out going, passionate

I know I enjoy pleasing my woman in many ways
And Being pleased in many ways
And living life to the fullest

Laughing
Supporting
Creating,
Sharing lives
Completely and madly in love

I am good at all of it
Along with taking care of things
Pets, children, the house, dinner, her

But beyond who I would be for someone else
I get that I am a good catch for me too

I don't back down when I want something
I don't use laziness as an excuse for failure
I go right after what I want and make it happen
I have the power in my soul to make things happen

I am very talented and successful
I will live a great life for myself
Being an well established artist, photographer, actor, writer, violinist
I will take good care of myself too

I don't need anyone
Not really
I have everything I need inside me
Doesn't mean I don't want (you)

I am exactly who I want to be
Exactly who I always wanted to be
I am grateful to be walking in my skin
This dark world is hard enough to hate yourself

I thought maybe I did
But soon realized that it was the abuse below that I hated
Not me
I love me

I love me so much that I want the very best for me
I won't settle for anything less, either
I won't back down until I get it

I know I will
I always get what I want
Because I never give up

Things just look so hard for me now
Because I am down in the trenches
But each step I climb is a step out of it

And I know eventually I won't even see the bottom
I won't recognize the mountain
And I won't get tired or be out of place
As I am becoming who I already am