The doors never open

I try so hard but it doesn't seem to matter
I want to make things better for me
But feel like I don't have any control
The doors won't open
And I am stuck inside
Alone

Locked behind some made up prison
It started out being a safe place to hide
But now it hides me from what I want

Every time I try and get out
I get lost in the labyrinth in my mind
It gets dark and I can't find my way

I deserve more, but can't see how to get it
I could be right in front of my face and I can't see it
I can't pull it apart
I keep on trying

Still I am blindly walking
This is this pits
Living in hell
Alone, scared, sad, depressed
Aggravated, consumed

I feel so alone
I am scared that I will be hurt or that things will go bad
I am depressed that I can't get comfort
I am aggravated that this is still the focus of my life
I am consumed by it all and resent it

I have set up so many different doors
I have made it difficult for anyone to get in
It is safer that way
But now I can't get out

I was only four when he hurt me
I didn't know better
But now it seems like I am forced to pay for his crime

I pay and I pay and I pay and I pay
I don't want to pay anymore
I don't want to be alone anymore
But I can't figure it out
I can't even connect with the emotions
I am just forced to be blind, trying to figure it out

Forced, sad, alone, tired
Its looped in my life
I know I am not really living
I am forced to be caught up in this shit
I am sad that I can't get out
I am alone and scared
I am so tired of dealing

I want to be done
I want to be free
But there is always more to deal with
Always