Keep your promises to yourself

Promises full of good times
Ones that uncover the truth
Sit deep below my life
They beckon me to come farther

I believe them if only for a moment
The farther I go, the more I think
Maybe it's all just a joke
Or maybe it's just me

I am sure I can't have what I want
The past assures me I am right
I tried and gave it all my might
But why did I?

I don't see how I can keep going on
The promises won't shut up inside
The future can't be bright
Bleakness is all I have been trained to see

Maybe that is best too
As the pain, the goddamn awful pain
The gut wrenching, please just kill me now pain
I can deal with that pain

I have dealt with it for a long time
Now I wasn't happy with it
But I survived it
Survived them all

But the damn promises
Of love and light
Of things I most want
A different life

Those cause me so much more pain
As I am trying to believe they are real
Only to walk more distance still
And I can't go anymore now

So keep the promises to yourself
As if I have to be forced again
To deal again
Then leave me the hell alone

I know how to survive this pain
I am trying to learn new ways
But still I am held down and rapped
In so many awful ways

I am sick of trying to be different
I want to die today
Today is a good day
Mighty good day to die

What really will I leave behind?
Who really cares when I am in distress
Life doesn't work that way
No one can help me through it

And they only gawk at me
They can't even speak to my needs
I am on my own
I hate that, but can't pretend I am not

Life was supposed to be different for me
But I have seen too much
Experienced too much
And heard too much pain from those I love most

I can't continue on this way
I just want to get off now
Who do I talk to about that
As driving reckless doesn't seem to help me get there

I mean what if it did come true?
What if I was loved just like I am?
What if who I am is actually ok?
But its not

I have been told it is not
By everyone
I know it is not ok
I am not ok

Why do I believe there is something special for me
Why do I think she actually cares
While I can't speak for her
I don't see it

So live, work, wake up, go to bed
Live work, wake up, write, live work
Wake up, try and sleep, write, work
Live, work, try and sleep, wake up, write

Doesn't seem to add up to a life that is special
But what did I actually expect anyhow
I have been through too much
Maybe I am ruined after all