Matrix Me

Sometimes I feel like Neo
Moving freely inside the Matrix
Or alternate reality
But seeing it for what it is

All that people get hung up on
Does not really matter
It is unimportant to the end
It is a trick to get you upset or negative

And then the negative vibration
Is used against you
And destroys your special being
And Fucks with your emotions and mind

And most times I see this clearly
The walls and the boundaries
The lines and the colors
All of the Matrix

It is a real thing this alternate plane
But not many know it
Trouble is you never know
When an agent of the darkside
will take over someone

As I am learning that
No one is truly safe
You never know when they will be used against you
And maybe that is why I am alone

As the dark agents will speak through anyone to get to me
Even those closest to me
Even those you would never suspect
And the closer I let them the more hurt I get

As I am walking in the light
Full of mysteries that cast out the night
But the agents will pursue me still
And for that I must caution my way

People have been scary my whole life
Starting with my granpa who held me down and hurt me
But I have been retraining my eyes and my heart
To see what good is truly there

And while people can still frighten me
I am no longer fooled by them
I no longer see the doom
I once used to

Now I see with light filled eyes
And they are full of love too
And I see what is most important
Which has changed

As loving Trinity
Is the foundation of my sake
But it is not the barrer of my soul
As much as she means to me

And I know now it is impossible to let her go
And That I don't have to
As I carry her all the time
We are never alone

She takes pictures with me
Orders dinner
She tells me she loves me
I feel her soul always

And that is enough
She is close but far
She is there but not
And that is ok

And while I see I am satisfied
I know I have done my part
I have let her in
And that is right for me

But now it's time
To focus on my path
As the path of the one is mighty
And important to the survival of the the world beyond the Matrix

And the path for me is bright
Fun and full of adventure
And one that will satisfy
This longing soul of mine

And as I carry off on my own
I know I am doing the right thing
As far as people go
I will miss them

But they have to be strong enough
So they aren't a conductor for evil
But so many seem to fall
Whenever the pressure is on

And it doesn't seem to matter
How much blood is spilled in the wake
And I see that I need to guard myself
So people aren't used any longer against me

And I also see that I am growing in strength for that reason
As it is also for me to not let them hurt me
And this I will do
Guard and protect myself

As I am not stupid
I know the lower dark agents
Will stop at nothing to make me suffer
And I have to learn how not to let them

How not to let you
As you may buy this charade
That you call your life
But I do not believe the lies

I know the power and strength I posses
I know the light that flows with in me
I have seen the beauty hidden there
But that is unfolding like a flower

And this beauty so bright
And strength in the light
Is enough to piss off the small and unkind
And anger them at me

As if they suffer
then they also want you too as well
So the dark agents will do what they can
To upset me or bring me down

Like Neo
I am not fooled by the changing tide
But I can see the ocean swaying
I can also see the horizon line

And I know
It doesn't really affect me
As it is not real
Unless I believe

And that I do not do any more
Because of what I have seen
So I am not made to believe
As once your eyes uncover the truth
The world never looks the same again

Mirrored

Mirror you
Mirror me
You see me
I see you

This mirror seems to have one face
One that keeps us apart
One that keeps you from me
And one that keeps me from you

I have seen myself in you
You have seen yourself in me
You are here
I am there

But we aren't ever now
If your coming
I am going
And it feels like it has been that way for quite some time

I don't want a mirror
To learn me
I don't want to change you either
In hopes that you will see you

I am sure that served it's purpose then
But now I want that to change
As all I want is you and me
Not be so estranged

I love you just as you are
Flaws and all
That's how I love me too
And I always have

It was never you
It was never me
I did not like
It was just the abuse inside

And I think we used the mirror
To find and release the abuse
That is why you say
You go left and I go right

But it was never intentional
On either side
It was just what takes place
When you want to change the inside

As I think that many times
People use someone else
To elude them to what is there
As people generally don't know

And things have such a way of hiding
Deep down below where no one knows
So it makes sense life would bring about
Someone like you so you can figure yourself out

Which I think is a great thing
As learning, I believe is the point
And we need help to navigate this life
As things are hard and scary sometimes

But I personally feel now
That now that is done
And I don't need to be mirrored anymore
As I am good on my own

I am ready to take on myself
I no longer need or want any distractions
Especially those that keep me from me
Especially those that keep me from you

As I am strong and courageous by myself
And you are fierce and mighty
We are an awesome pair together
When the abuse isn't keeping us fighting

And I am grateful for the mirror
Especially those years where I couldn't see
And I know it was useful
And I learned so much in how to be free

But now I just want to be done
As I know there is so much more
Between us I know for sure
But the mirror just gets in the way

And I know that I don't need it
So I guess it has to go
How does one remove a mirror
Between herself and her soul?

And I know that the past being mirrored and all
Is not all there is as there is so much more
It is ONLY a part of our journey
And that is ok

Our journey is long
And many things will happen
And much we have both gone through
But I know loving you is most important

So if you just see it one way
A mirror perhaps
Then you are only focusing on what was
And there is so much more

We just have to look at it
It is staring us in the face
And let go of the past
And learn from that

As sometimes even though it looks a certian way
It is really something else
Just not something you can see
Or something you know

The mirror is many things
And we have been using it
To see how we can change
Trying hard to rearrange

And now that I know
This is another brick in the wall
Between us
I let this go

As I do not want
To mirror you
Or you to mirror me
I just want you

Unadulterated
Unrestrained
Uninhibited
YOU!

Always hope and heres how you can help

So I learned at a scientific conference that the Polar Ice Caps are melting fast, but there is growth. All hope is not lost. There is still time for us to do something and make changes.

So if you are interested in living as one, instead of just for one. Would you join me in preserving the planet.

As we are all connected, what you do to me affects you and me and what I do to my neighbor affects, me, him and you and vice versus.

The world is changing and it is not looking good for anyone including us and so we must intervene in the global warming crisis, the deforestation of the worlds precious oxygen makers and stop all these useless killings so we can have a world left that is fit to live in.

As tigers, cheetahs, lions, jaguars, leopards, crocodiles, wolves, tree dwelling animals, bears and all sorts of other animals are disappearing at an alarming rate, mostly due to poaching or unnecessary slaughter and habitat loss/destruction. While their homes are destroyed for deforestation mainly from things that are easily corrected, like instead of buying trees, buy Bamboo or recycled paper products. This is a great start.


Here are also some tips, things maybe you didn't know.

Buy recycled paper products.

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, also means to buy recycled stuff. It is an easy transition and Costs much the same.
Whole Foods has a 365 brand that is recycled and cheaper than Charmin, which seems to be a global fav.
Trader Joes has a very good price on their paper products as well, and I know most of the grocery stores sell recycled paper products too.
Check it out. Buy it. Please.

As the alternative is horrible, like for monkey's and organtans, they are loosing their homes at an alarming rate and the parents are shot and killed trying to protect the babies and then the babies are carted off to be sold killed to the highest bidder on the black market to either be slaughtered for meat or be a show puppet, either way it ends badly for them.

It is a simple thing to change the world, but you have to care and be willing to change yourself, not someone else. It starts with you, always has.

Meat

Meat is destroying so many things, from our precious grasslands that used to house millions of wildlife to the methane gases created by the cows butts and such. Methane is also created when you use plastic bags. When the plastic bags heat up from the sun with all of your trash in them, they react to the trash and create Methane Gas. Possibly the worst gas for the environment.

Meat is not good for humans, we are not carnivores our bodies require greens, vegetables, grains, protein, fruit and fresh stuff like that.

Protein-the idea that you are getting it from the animals you eat is not entirely true.

When you eat an animal most of the time it has been raised in a factory for slaughter under inhumane conditions, and most of the animals are sick or dying then you consume these cancerous beasts. Stop to think what these sick animals might be doing to your body. I mean if we get a wrinkle we freak out, but we don't care what we put inside of our body.

Well first off, the protein that comes from meat is not that good for us. It has its own DNA and our bodies have to find a way to use it, which is difficult. The protein from plants, veggies, grains, fruits, matches our bodies exactly.

And the piece of cow, you call a steak has to rot in your stomach for days until your body can digest it. Then you only get a small bit of protein from it and the only nutrients you get are from the cow eating grass or usually grain since they are kept in a factory without grass. It is a harmful and useless way to eat. Cut out the middle man and eat the veggies yourself.

Pigs will kill you, are killing you and they are so smart, smarter than dogs and deserve more than what they get. There is really no nutritional value of eating animals, but we keep on doing it.

You think chickens are safe, but they will cause you cancer along with the rest of the farm and are not much better for you.

Red meat will kill you first. From Heart disease to high blood pressure and osteoporosis. Cancer is also a risk. There are so many risks involved and it is not just better for your body to eat greens and such, but it is better for your soul.

Plus from an energy perspective, all that negative energy is going into the cow especially at the time of its death and then you consume all that negative energy.

http://www.greenforlife.com/
http://www.care2.com
http://www.peta.com

And what about the animals being slaughtered for fur?

It is as heinous and unnecessary as it should be. Stop it. Don't buy it. Don't buy fish from Canada until they stop killing baby seals. Rabbits are also a target. Many people don't know that this is still going on, it is getting better, but it is not over yet.

http://www.peta.com

Cancer
(What they won't tell you.)
If you stop eating all cooked foods including meat, cancer cannot live. But they don't want you to know that. So they don't tell you. They only fill your veins full of poison and most times you die anyway. Well there is another option, no one knows it and the doctors aren't saying anything and so I think people are afraid to try it. Think for yourself.

And keep in mind it is harder to change your religion then the way you eat, but it can be done. Baby step, by baby step.

Plastic
One of life's little convenient tools that is killing our world.

Plastic bags are a bad thing, but they convenient so they persist. I don't use them for anything. I compost my veggies and such and use a trash can without a bag. I love it. It saves me money too and I am helping in a small, but important way.

It is not hard to put your stuff in a reusable container and cut out plastic all together. The average person consumes (eats) pounds of petroleum (plastic) a year from things like chap stick and lipstick. Plus overpriced tap water in that plastic water bottle leaches plastic into your drink and you ingest it.

Cheese and Milk

If you consume cows breast milk than you are getting just as much "PUSS" as you are milk from the scabs on the utters as the pumps are torn off or the utters are overused and the scabs form that way. It is sick, but true.

Plus the protein from milk is not that good as it is fitted to the particular baby cow, just like your mom's breast milk is fitted for you.

And there is numerous alternatives from almond, soy, hemp, rice, oat, hazelnut milk and I am sure many others. I make my own almond milk and love it. It is so nice to eat cereal that is not full of negative energy from another being.

Plus, cows breast milk is so fattening. We are a fat society and only getting fatter. If you are trying to lose weight I would suggest cutting down the dairy.


Fast food

Cut it out all together. Possibly the worst thing you could do to your body. The worst thing you can do for the planet and its inhabitants is eat fast food. PLEASE DON'T! It is fattening, low in nutrition and they put chemicals in it so you will be hungry and buy more and also so you will be addicted to it. All they care about is money, they do not care about your health.

They are calling all the shots, pullling all the strings, how long are you going to let them control you!

McDonalds is the worst. They are destroying the Berring Sea from over fishing. 66 percent of the fish in the Berring Sea are now gone and the fish can't reproduce fast enough. The Seals and Seal Lions and other Sea Animals are starving to death.

All those animals are dying because Frozen Fish Sticks and McDonalds Fish Sandwhich.

Think

About how many McDonalds there are in our country alone. There is one off most highway exits, many streets have two or three of them. Add that number state wide then country wide together with how many there are in the world and that is alot.

To many. And they have an awful affect on our environment and our world.

To many places, restaurants, grocery stores, and such have such a high demand for meat. It is everywhere you look. That meat has to come from somewhere and those animals were probably raised in horrible conditions and there seems to never be enough for the American Appetite.

That includes Fish.

Cut back. Eat meat once or twice a week. Eat Fast Food Never!!!!

I will put out more information at a later time. I don't want to overwhelm you.

Thanks for listening.

Aching Soul

My emotions have long since been put aside
As I have let my soul come out
And so much still isn't right
Without you physically by my side

Our souls are still speaking
Even though we are not
And you even visit me in my dreams
And tell me many things

But I do not look for you
As my soul is aching too bad
So I try to ignore it
But still she screams it

It is a quiet peaceful nudge really
But one that vibrates my entire being
And one I can't ignore
But the the dull ache can be painful

And I agree with her (my soul)
As having you by my side
Would be the only thing
That is worth the fight

Whenever I try and move on alone
I feel like I am trying to leave my own soul
And it hurts to bad to disconnect
And so I always stop and believe

Sometimes I feel you so close
That I cannot distinquish a dream
From being without you
And I have to pick up myself

Splitting atoms by hand would be easier
Than me trying to walk away from you
And it's not ok
But I believe it will be

As if not for the burning in my soul
I would not look back
People still scare me
And you have been so full of lies

And I know my mission now
And it lights me up
And I can handle being alone
Except my soul aches for just you

And the truth is of course
I am wanting only you
And it is not just a phase
That I am going through

I only wish I was brave enough
To believe in your strength
But have been groomed for the opposite
But I am trying hard to change

And I have been freed
From the past
That has hurt me so bad
And can breathe about things

But now I see what needs to happen
Here for you
And here for me
And in seeing the truth I understand

And believe all that it could be
And all that it is
So I am not hurrying to you
I am planning a life for me

But still can see what lies ahead for us
And if you don't know
You can look for yourself
And if you still can't see

You'll have to wait
As I have said enough
And this part
I will keep to myself

As I have quit all the running
And I finally had that dream
The one where you come to me
And feel me up with your love

As this thing between us
Has already happened
In the future
Whatever has been
Will be
And for this I am satisfied

I have no more doubts
And no more lies
And only love you for you
And for me and the light too
And that is all I need

But there is no hurry any more for me
As I have bigger issues to deal with now
Like how in the hell am I going to make a difference
Mother Earth is crying all the time now

And my soul cries for her too
And all her inhabitants too
So that is the big question for me
When and What the hell can I do?

As I have plans
And am starting to execute them
But time is waiting
But I want to help so badly now

So breathe in
Breathe out
Take a step
And another

As I get now, life
Is not all at once
I will do these things I see myself doing
And will make a difference in many ways

But what I am doing now
Is taking care of me
And that is the first step
In making all the rest

The journey is long
And I believe will be fruitful
But it is also where I want to be
As this moment is all I have

And this is the first stop
But not where I stay
And even though my soul still aches
I know I will make the change

Deceptive Perception

Perception

Mine is so skewed
The perception of my life
Is such that I view the world as such
"Nothing I want will ever happen!"

I actually think that nothing will ever happen to me that is good or want I want
So much so
That even when it does
I can't see it

It is an interesting thought
That I just had
As I see it's validity in my life
It is an all encompassing ball of shit

Everything
Everything
Everything to me
Will never happen

But oh how I want it
Want so many things
And since I believe nothing ever will
I spend so much time crying for what isn't

So much time focusing on what isn't happening
And not as much time believing things will
It is a pretty revealing revelation
And might be my biggest problem

One that has been so deeply hidden
That many times when I set off bombs
To uncover the truth, so that I may be freed
It never surfaced with anything more than a wink

I can see here, now
That as long as I have this
underlying belief
Nothing will ever happen to me

And I guess that is why
It is so grounded
So in control
As I didn't even know it was running the show

Because I was abused
I didn't want those things to happen
And sure way to stop bad things
Is to stop all things

But NOW I want things
Good things
Wonderful things
Beautiful things rooted in love

Since so much has changed
Deep inside of me
I know the POWERS that are below
And I am learning

I am strong
And good things are not forced upon us
For this reason I see and now know
If I want all these things my old perception has to go

As I believe I create the good
And it can all come my way
But I have to be open and ready
And this I am

Now things are going to happen to me
Mostly that I want
And sometimes that I don't
But I have seen myself and I know I can handle it

It has taken a split from my favorite person
To reveal the beauty truth
And I regret not knowing then
What I know now

Especially about her
and about me
But honestly
Who knows exactly what they have?

Songs are written time and again
About not knowing what you have until you don't
So I am not alone
But at least I have taken the time to get to know

As I think we all learn who we are
Stacked up against the opposition
Of what we want
And what we don't have

And I look around
And I see perpection is personal
And I see how everything is not as people would like
But no one knows they are pulling all the strings

But I am learning I am
And that might be all I need to know
As the Powers are mine to wield
In this crazy love ride called life

And so I will
Let this go now
And change my perception of life
So all things I truly want will come my way
And I deserve it

Written at work, after the thought was revealed in about five minutes.

Coming home

Bitter Sweet
Is leaving here
Is coming home
Sweet but Bitter

I long for a life full of adventure
I want one that fulfills me
I see promise and light ahead
And am getting closer

I don't mind this heartland living
The friends which I cherish and hold dear
The words "Titi" on the young ones lips
The warm gentle compassionate smiles of my life
The fun get togethers that last all night

But still I am not satisfied
And I know how hard I have tried
But the time for lying to myself is over
And I will begin a new

As life here can't be what I want
My heart breaks in this heartland
As I am not full
My soul aches too much here

And I know I should go
And I know where
I am almost there
The arrangements are close to being made

And I feel the pull of what is to be
And the closer I get to it
The more longing I do
But yet my heart persists in loving it here too

But an Earthquake has torn my life apart
Every old way is being destroyed
And I will never put it back the same way again
I can't hold it together too much longer

As I know the beauty that awaits for me out there
The peaceful life
Full of adventure
As I will soon visit, Africa, the Ice Shelf and the Rainforest

And my mission is clear
And laid before my feet
And is pulling me hard now
And I am letting go of who I was

Walking along the path
With each step I take
The moment of leaving becomes closer
And my soul lives in the future now

As it has become so real to me
But yet the moment is here
And that is where I am
But still my soul aches for there

Bitter and sweet
Quite the treat
A bit hard for me to swallow
But ready I am becoming

And even though
I have carved out a life I love here
It won't stop me from getting out
As there is where I belong

And for me there is no doubt
As I have known it for some time
This love affair and me
Go hand in hand and shall be

As before I had worry about it all
I didn't believe I deserved it
But now I know different
And believe it too

And it will be so easy to accomplish
That it will make me wonder what took me so long
And I have to remind myself
That I just wasn't ready before

But that is ok
It happens all in good time
And this is mine
And I know it is right

So I'll be travelin on soon
But I'll check in
As you may want to know how I am
But I'll be happy and right and so full of love for my life

And if you don't
I'll be hoping you all
Eventually feel that way too
As life is too damn short not to
And miracles are possible for all of us

Protective strike

This person you say you are
Is not you
Not by far
They are your protection

And if you didn't desperately want to be with me
And didn't love me that much
You would not have the protection up
You are scared

Afraid of loving
Afraid of being loved
Hurt and pain you get how to do
But letting me be who I am for you is way too scary

I am not focusing on you alone
But I have to say what it is that I know
So this is not some put down upon you
It is me reaching out to my one and only, you

You can't just let us be
And I know I couldn't either, but am changing
As your protection wouldn't control everything, if it were that way
And that is the real truth
You picked them over me

But hey it's ok
I may not know their name
But I know they love me too
And I applaud their efforts

As I personally know
How they came to be
As it happened to me
And I am so sorry

I know the pain you suffer
I know the fear too
Your grandfather fucked you
And you are too afraid now

I get it
I got fucked too
So many times fucked
But not by you, never ever by you

And I would bet a man is this side of you
Just like your dad always wanted
And much like the perception you have of your dad
And every one in your life is fooled
And they don't see you

But I do
And I know
This mean horrible person is not you
You do not have me fooled

I know you and know this is not you
In fact, I never was fooled by your charading
I just had my own shit to worry about
And change

I saw long ago
How things would go
And this is how they are now
You deal with you
I deal with me

I know you think
I have walked away
But you will never get rid of me that easy
As I am here to stay

Just like I promised you
I would do
So don't insult me by assuming I am gone
And don't think for one minute I believe you are either

This mean person
However is not you
And the lies you constantly spin
Are so hurting you

I said I would not share about you
But today I realized that I am
No longer going to play that way
I will do as I need to do, to bring about the true

And also
I know what I see, you
So sad for you too
As I am the only one who does

Everyone else in your life
Believe you are this deadened version
But only because they don't know you
And don't know how to wake you up

And you may think
You are calling all the shots
But truth be known
You not talking to me
Is apart of the master plan from above

As it was used to get you alone with yourself
And I only hope are
But think that
You are only distracted to the point of death

It is not fun
But be assured
It will not end
Until you put it an end

As you deserve so much
And I get your hurting
But I am not
Because I already have you

Look around you
Look in your apartment
I bet it is trashed
And has been since you got rid if that girl you didn't like

She wasn't me
And that was all you needed
To show her the door

You see your apt is trashed
And you are alone
Because you are not yourself
And can't be out

I know you think I watch you
But I do not
I ask no one questions about you
And I do not go to your sites

I don't want that piece of you
Why would I when I already have your soul
It is God and you who tells me the truth

But I felt my flesh burn
When you touched her
And in my emotional cry
Did you feel me reach out to you

(A funny Joke that came my way)
And I bet people on the street say
"Nobody goes in, Nobody comes out!"
"She sent her soul mate away
And nobody has seen her since
(Look at the proof!!
As this is the proof that you need me too)

She boarded up her heart and her life
And now she appears to be gone
But she is still there
She is just hiding

A spin off of Willy Wonka
But I think it fits
As so many times in your life
You have secluded yourself

I guess you think you are truly awful
And as Norma told me just this night
People who have been abused might do awful things
But it does not make them awful

And if you think you can show me
By getting a million girlfriends
It won't work and I won't see it anyhow
I have already been told
As you want everyone to think
You fuck anything that moves

But I know the truth
I feel it
You tell me
You miss me and are hurting
And the only proof I would believe
Is you letting yourself love me as you do

You can hide from everyone else
But your soulmate (me) knows the truth
It doesn't matter if you want me too

And I promise I won't believe these things you say
As I remember you saying to me
That you don't mean it when you are like this
And I believe that too

Jen
I am talking to you now
I am not leaving you
And I am here for you

I do not believe what your protection
Has said
And never will I
I am here for you Jen
And I am not going anywhere

Come back to you
Fight like hell to overcome this
Fight for you
You are burried inside deep now

And fear controls you
I am not sad anymore
As now I not just believe
But, I will use my powers to make all things happen too

You are my one and only
And I know truly now
You tell me not to give up
You cry for help and I am here

I know I know I am right
My sister is moving to Hawaii
And you won't even say goodbye
But it is just more proof that you love me and lied

Too bad for you
Your life will pass you by
While you sit alone
And wait to die

Or will it
As I believe you will come out of your stupor
And defeat this once and for all
I believe in you most
And love all of you

Written at work in fifteen minutes on April 23, 2009

I married my best friend

So I met my beautiful friend for dinner, like usual.

And as we were eating, I was discussing leaving the state and moving far a way.

"You are going to have to get used to it, it will be happening soon," I said. "Not to bring up a sore subject, but I don't want it to come as a shock when I drive away with a moving van."
"I know," my friend said. "I just hate the thought of you leaving."
"I know, but I hate the thought of me staying here cleaning houses for the rest of my life, hating and resenting my life and never fulfilling on my purpose. I don't want to move away from here or you, but I can't stay here and be happy for too long. I have way too much I want to do."

"I know," Care bear said.

"Why don't you move with me?" I asked.
"You know I can't drive over those mountains!"
"Yeah, but you don't have to. There are other ways around, plus you love Las Vegas and you can move there. Here let me check to see how long it is from Las Vegas to where I will be."

I pulled out my iphone. I was so against them at first, but you got to love the on the hand technology that solves so many of life's little problems.

"Five hours. That is not far. You can live there, you love it and I can see you on weekends and such. It is not bad at all. Care Bear, you know I can't live without you. Do you remember when you lived in Indiana and we were separated, it was horrible. Remember?" I said.
"Yes, that was awful.
"Ok then, it's settled! You will live in Las Vegas. Good. I was so worried about what was going to happen and this is the perfect solution. Awesome."

"I don't know. I want to go to school here and do so many things. I am settled and don't want to move," Care Bear said.
"But it would be awful to only see you a few times a year." I said.
"True," Care Bear said.
"So that leaves one choice, you have to move with me," I said.
"We'll see," Care Bear said.

"Care Bear, you mean the world to me. You have been there for me so much during this awful time in my life. Your constant wisdom and your support and faith in things working out for me, means so much to me. I don't want to live without you," I said, meaning every word.
"I feel the same way."
"Good."

"Then I take you Care Bear as my life long friend, for as long as I live I will love and cherish you and will always be your friend. You mean the world to me," I said.
"And I take you Butterfly, as my life long friend for better or worse for as long as I live. I commit my friendship to you," Care Bear said.

I turned to Care Bear's boyfriend and said, "Seal it!"

And he looked dumb founded and found a few words and said, "I now pronounce you life long friends."

And the three of us started laughing out loud.

"That was perfect!"
"Yeah, right on key," I said.
"Yeah, I didn't know what to say, I was thinking 'you may kiss your life long friend, but that didn't seem right so instead I said, "I now pronounce you life long friends," he said.
"Which was perfect," I said.

We had a good ole time and I realized that life is short and it is best to commit and to marry even your favorite of all friends when the moment arise as life will always try to bring you down and tear apart the relationships that matter most to you. And if you let the dark forces win, you lose.

And I am grateful to have my Care Bear in my life and I will always cherish her. But I know I will never be without her, no matter where each of us lives in the world. As my life is taking me on a long wondrous journey and her life will probably stabilize her here, with her boyfriend, but we will be joined in holy friendship matrimony for life and for that I am satisfied.

I bet there are some people who think it is against God for Care Bear and I to get married, even in friendship because we are both women. And I would say to them, back off my life as what I do, and who I marry is only my business, not yours.

I know there is a group of Christians, many groups and even Mormons who are trying to tear up any chance of gay people like me getting married. And I would say that it is better for people to commit love, instead of committing hate. And if they were true followers of Christ they would love first and hate not.

As Christ said, "Love God, thy Father first and love your neighbor as yourself second."

That I try and do everyday. I do not interrupt another person's life with how I "think" it should be. I just love everyone and that includes me.

Let marry who wants and focus only on yourself and we will all be happier.

Plus, gays getting married helps us all. Positive is better than negative and people committing love is better than people committing divorce, which is probably over fifty percent for the group (man and woman) of people who can get married.

I saw on a talk show, that a whole bunch of girls married their own biological dad!!! And no one said to them, "Hey wait, that is against God!"

There were no picket signs or anything else. Ridiculous!!!

As it appears it is ok for a man and a woman, even if it is incestuous to get married as long as they are not of the same sex.

Crazy and it kinda debunks their argument and makes them look foolish.

WE ARE QUEER AND AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE AND WE WILL BE MARRIED!!!!!!!

I would say marry everyone, and don't let anyone tell you different. Don't let life or the dark forces tear apart your special relationships as they are worth preserving.

Exonerated

So I sent an email to my clients last night.

Telling them that I forgive them for accusing me, and that I am not letting this get to me anymore, but the whole thing upset me. I also told them that if they pursued it, I would continue to defend myself as I am innocent.

And today I received one back from each person, saying they had misinformation and from a source and they have realized it was not me, and they were very sorry for what they put me through. The guy feels like shit.

They also made it right with cops.

I am grateful to be done with that. Grateful it was only two days. And grateful that I am no longer labeled a thief.

Being labeled a thief is not a good thing in my profession.

Everything seems to be getting back to normal, where that is concerned.

But I realized that I had passed this lesson with an "A" but also got a "D" for one part. But I am learning and that is ok. Good job, well done.

As even though he was coming at me, I didn't have to be mean. Truth was I was in shock, and was scared. It was abuse on some level and I don't tolerate abuse well.

But I passed as I forgave them and looked at the good side of them before they exonerated me and for that I am most grateful. It is easy to forgive others most times once they have forgiven you, but it is hard to forgive them in the face of facing false charges. I am proud of myself.

I also realize that I would like to learn how never to treat people bad in the face of any circumstance as that is what I most regret, calling him a "baby".

I love this man for the person he is, I hope he forgives himself.

I also understand what it is like to be falsely accused. And it sucks. Having people believe lies about you and circumstantial evidence to back them up. It is awful, especially for all of those who are convicted of such things.

But I also got a chance to realize the people who surround me as everyone I told what I was going through, knew immediately that I had not taken anything. And my sister even stated that after hearing that it was over. People in my life truly had my back and only thought the best of me. And that means so much.

Pushed out

Greetings from Hell!

This is hell you know. I don't ever expect my life to be easy or go nice for too long. As this morning I got the best surprise ever. A theft accusation plus three cop cars.

So this annoying client of mine is so needy and ridiculous.
He always calls me about five times before I arrive at his house, this takes place every three weeks. But this morning he was exceptionally weird and needy and I started to wonder what the hell was up.

As soon as I arrived he met me at the door and I soon found out why he acted so strange.

"Hey," I said.
No reply.
"I just wanted to let you know that we are terminating your services and I want my key back. Now. That is why I needed to meet with you. Can I have it back now."
"Sure." I took it off my key chain and he grabbed a business card and took down my license plate number.
"Why?" I asked puzzled and a bit hurt by his coldness.
"I think you know why." He said all cryptic.
"No, I don't a have a clue."
"Theft!" He said.
"What theft? I have taken nothing from you." I said.
"I think you know." Cryptic again.
"No I don't. I have taken nothing and I resent the accusation.
"Well I don't want to make a scene the cops have been called and they will show up soon. Are you going to wait for them. It would be best if you waited." He said all childish.
"I would like to know what it is that you think I have taken," I said.
"I think you know. I don't want to make a scene. I am going to go now in the house, but you wait for the cops."
And he left.
I was very upset being accused and the cops called and all.

I called my friend and she couldn't believe it either.
Never in six years have I taken anything from anyone while cleaning their house and never will I. I even place quarters or pennies on the counter.
The cops showed up and my client came back out side to watch, probably wants some type of justice or revenge on me.

I immediately asked the cop what was going on and was a bit excited and she started threatening to take me to jail if I didn't drop the attitude.
Attitude is not an offense that they can lock you up for, and I have never been one to sit and wait for the almighty person to inform me. People are all the same, no matter what they do. Nobody is my judge.

She asked me for my id and said I wasn't sure.
She told me to put my hands behind my back and we can handle this down town. I told her I might need to talk to a lawyer first.
She threatened me again.
Fucking people. All of them.

I showed her my id. It has the wrong address, but she didn't ask and I didn't want that baby to have my correct one so I didn't speak up.

Nobody still will tell me anything and the supervisor showed up and I was told he would have answers, but he didn't.
I was surrounded by three cop cars, like I had a gun and prisoner.
What a thought as if that had been the reality instead there was a good chance they would have shot me and killed me and I would be free from this hell.
But alas, there is no way out, but through.
And truth be told, I need to make an impact for the animals. I have so much work to do.

I was on the phone with my friend and she was asking me what he was accusing me of and I said to her, "I don't know he won't talk to me."

And one of the male officers said to me, "I won't talk to you?"
And I said "No" and pointed at the apartment.

I swear people take shit so personal. They are so insecure all of them that even if you are talking about someone else and not clear, if they think there is a remote chance you are talking about them, then they assume the worst.

STOP TAKING SHIT SO PERSONAL!! EVERYTHING YOU SEE OR COME ACROSS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!

So I finished taking all their shit and left.

I am still waiting to hear back from the detectives to find out what my fate will be. I also am pretty sure that since he has accused me of this, that I will lose his two friends as clients too. They are all connected. All the wives go to school together and I am sure he called them to "warn them" of what has happened.

So because they have misplaced something I am out three jobs. Or maybe the nanny took it and blamed it on me. Or maybe he can't afford me and doesn't want to look all sad and sorry. As I do know he is having trouble getting enough hours at work.

Whatever the reason, I am always such an easy fucking target. For every one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucky me.
Isn't life grand. Always so grand.

Well. I was going to hang around this heartland but it only seems to be breaking mine. So I now feel pushed out. And maybe I need to just go. Money is not an issue for me, so I have to ask myself what is stopping me from leaving. As I did want to spend more time with my counselor and see my family one last Christmas while I lived here. But I don't feel time will wait.

And truth be told I want a different life.
One that is fulfilling not defeating.
So I guess it's time to start packing.
Moving day is coming soon.

And thank God too
As if I have to live this way, doing for others instead of what I most want, any longer, I will find a way to leave.

I will not put up with this reality anymore.
I want to go visit the ice shelf, Africa, and the rain forest and take many pictures and paint many things.

I just hope my life starts now.

......................................................................................................................................................................
Yesterday I was very upset and had felt very afraid at the encounter, as I have known this man for a while and he is a great husband and father and he was always good to me and good to talk to. But this came out of left field and it hurts me that someone I thought was good to me, would hurt me.

I wonder if the nanny took whatever he has missing. As I had to leave for an hour the last time and I wonder if she took the stuff and blamed it on me. I know I didn't, but I wish they will find whatever he has missing. As I would hate to leave this kind of energy behind me, even though it was not my fault.

You never know who is going to turn on you or when or why, but more about that later.