Misunderstood

I do not plan on writing anymore blogs about you, at least not one's that I will share with you, as this is a time for self focus. Well you'll see, read on. You can read whatever you want, but know I do not write anything just for you.
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So I am misunderstood in my life
Everyone misunderstands me
From the smiles to strangers
To emails or books being sent

I am misunderstood by those closest to me
As no one seems to be able to connect to my life
And people seem to misread all things
This I don't think is me

But I do also misunderstand me
Most often I can't see why I do what I do
Until much later
And misunderstandings occur within me too

Often I can't stick up for myself as I don't know what is going on
But recently I have seen something new
And I understand more
But what it changes I don't know for sure

I do know I got loads of truth
Truth on top of truth
But you don't want that
Not from me

You only want to find some proof
That's why you are here right?
You want proof that you are right
Right in leaving me, right to get over me

But if you really believed that
I feel you would not need to push me away so bad
As this is harder than you thought it was going to be
And you are hurting so badly

But this is not really about you
This is about me
As you can do whatever you want
I still know the truth

The one that everyone now misunderstands about me
But that is even ok too
As none of it matters to me now
I matter, not what others think

I guess if you believed it
You wouldn't need their agreement
But still this is not about you
It's about me

And how I helped you hurt you
That I can't do anymore
Not to be predictable in my rhyming
But this I do know for sure

You have sent me angry and evil shit for years
Text messages full of hate
Phone conversations full of evil
Yelling, screaming in emails

Then you would tell me directly things like
"Don't pay attention to me when I am saying that shit. As I don't mean it
I was just angry."
And you would say it, and kinda take it back
But really you would just let me know not to pay attention to it, like you had no self control.

Like I am a robot or something
And I can choose which words to listen to
That would only be possible if I didn't love you
But love is having an impact on another
And you have always had a good and bad impact on me

And I don't think we ever understood the cost for doing as we did
The one for you
The one for us
And the one for me

My favorite text that I received from you,
One I found most recently was the truth
"You are my world. There is no without you. It is only something I say when I am being petulant and"
I don't know what else as it cuts off

But in reading these old words
I remember who you are
And I see how hurting you are now
And I get sad

As I was a party to it
As I was to selfish to let you go
I wanted you so bad that I put it up with it
And I was wrong, I should have left long ago

I know I had my share in being crazy
I know that I pushed you away too much
Something I would never ever do again
As I have seen the truth about what I really want

I also think you are mad at me
Because I could never be so honest with you before
Until you left me
I was so quiet

But what you don't get
Is I am honest because of you
Not in spite of you
And I always long to share everything with you too

But concerning you and this issue
I just hoped you would stop and be nice
I just hoped you would change
But you didn't and you don't
But I do and I am

And I will no longer ever
Be a recipient of a nasty email or anything of the like
But not because I can't handle it
But because you shouldn't have to
And evermore I forgive every word

That evil you are spewing
Is leaving a blackness on your heart before it gets to me
And that is killing you
You aren't even there anymore

It makes me so sad to think about it
I cried so hard when I finally saw my part in full view
Truth be told
I saw some of this back in July

I saw how you were being buried alive
And me pushing you away
Was only adding more dirt to your grave
But I was too hurting to stop then

But I am stronger now
And I have put my part to and end
I would rather never see you again
Ever, then to help you destroy yourself more

That is how much you mean to me
I would give up everything including you to save you if I could
I figure if I am not there to be yelled at
Maybe you won't

I don't believe it is me
Don't misunderstand me
I know it is you and only you
Why you can't deal so bad that you yell and shout

But when I saw the blood dripping from my hands
And I realized I was the recipient of these hateful things
And I know that you will suffer for your actions
Not by me, but by the choices you will make

Again, don't misunderstand me
As you can tell anyone who will listen
That I want you to suffer or that I will make you
It no longer matters what you do
And maybe I expect more evil too

But I know the point is to do right by all involved
And for me that means I can't play a part
In you getting hurt by yourself
If you must still tear down your beauty, do it without me

I have long since stopped tearing down mine
I am working on only cherishing myself
And am in love with me, finally
And honestly, I still see through your words into you too

I have been seeing an energy healer
And it is making a difference in my life
I am leaning upon someone who helps me
And I am learning how to be right

She is removing and healing all the things I could not before
And new doors are opening for me
And others are being shut
And this is scary, but exactly what I want

And after my session tonight
I was giving some thought to my current issue
And what I saw was
I need to be healthy and better

As if I am no longer unstable and hurting
Than I doubt you will be able to pull that shit on me
Plus, you won't have me for a distraction anymore
And therefore you might deal with yourself

I know it can't be easy for you to focus only on you
Especially with my emails
And most especially my blog
And if I didn't need it so badly to get out what I can't
I would cancel my account and walk away

As I know it has to be confusing
And at times I seem crazy or scary
But if I don't write my pain, being the writer I am
And share it with many

Then I know it just sits there
And I can't have that anymore
I need to be free from it
So I learned to let myself go and just be

And I never promised to be quiet
That is what you said
Instead I only promised to love you
And said I would try and shut up

Trouble is I can't
Especially when my whole life they shut me up
Granpa shut me up
And for me to get better I have to put it out there

I have found away to spew my pain
And not hurt anyone
And it has helped me be free
But I don't need to be understood

All I need is me
And that I am getting more of everyday
And when I am through this bout
I will have myself

The person that was left
After they stole my soul
Is fading away
And I am being left with my awesome self

I have spent the last 10 months
Dealing on me
It has been only seven since you left me
And since then I have made the most progress

Because I have had the chance
To throw up all that I needed to
To release myself from my chains
And that is what I needed, time

I hope eventually you will see your strength and beauty
Don't need to be teared down
And maybe you might see that you are strong enough to deal with it all
You might just see the truth ain't so bad

And maybe, I believe it will all happen exactly as we need
You don't have to see what I see
But I do hope you begin to see you
As what I am learning is, nothing is really about you

It is all about me
My fears, my pain, my anger, my hopelessness, my abuse
And if I can't be right without you
I am sure I could never be right with you

I have made so much progress
You would never believe it
But I know I have so much still to go
And that saddens me still

As I have been through a lot
And in a lot of ways, it's still there
But that is fine
There is a time to be alone
And this is mine

And I am not upset with you anymore
I hope you can find the magical cure
To get over me
As I know you are trying

But this shit
Ends here
As it doesn't need to be
Anymore it doesn't need to go on

As it hurts you
And me too
But I am fine
And I feel sad for you

The negative emotions and lies
Stir up all the evil inside
And it will haunt you
And hurt you

So sad too
But anyhow I get it
I hear you
You are madly in love with me, but don't believe

So don't be with me
That is ok
Just don't be evil
As it hurts you so much

I could have written you back, you know
As I was sick, at last of getting these evil messages
I have never sent you evil like this
I have pushed you away and was irresponsible in my communication, but

So in an attempt to stand up for myself
I wrote out what I wanted to say
And after I read it
I realized that it was mean
And not what I wanted to leave behind me

I knew I didn't want to deal with the consequences for hurting you
So I deleted it and let me ego take a back seat
As I don't want to have the last word
Unless it is I love you

And I realized if you died
What a regret I would have that I lied
Because all I want to say is I love you
And anything else comes out of pain

So I let it go
Let it go now
And I am not going to engage in meanness with you
It is not worth the cost

When we are gone
Dead and gone
And we have to judge our actions and our lives
This negativity will be a regret, both of ours

As it really does matter
And it is such the point
That you treat everyone with love and respect
No matter what

And if you don't choose that
You choose the consequences
As Karma will be on your tail
Your life will be hell

But as for you
Well its not about you
My life is about me
And I am making progress everyday

So it won't be long
Until I am truly healthy
I am already so healthy, in so many ways
And have made such leaps this past week

So I won't be around to tango
With the drama dance
And I hope that you eventually don't need it too
As you deserve better too

Generations of sins to pay for is on me

Why do I pay for the crimes of my family
That aren't even mine
It seems my punishment
Has no end

I always feel
That I pay my granpa's bill
I don't even know why
That it still needs paying

I feel I have paid and paid
I have suffered my whole life
And all I want is to be ok
And my life to go right

How do I make this fucking change
I have tried so many ways
And I see I am not at the end yet
But I want to be

How do I get out of this jam?
Aren't I a good enough person
To end this suffering
I just want to change this

But I can't get the pain out of me
Even though I have tried
I feel so condemned
And so alone

I don't want this anymore
And I do not know what to do
I can't enjoy the things I do
I can see however I deserve to

But still feel so trapped underneath
The weight of his belly
And I can't see my fragile body
Deep inside his pit of abuse

So why is it still up to me
To pay for his sins
As I don't even know
What the hell I did

But I do know I am still in pain
And Life is still crushing
I am still not happy
And wish I could leave this place

It upsets me too
As the drama is tiring
I no longer want this
To be the focal point

But truly it is a process
One you can't push
And I know things are slowly getting better
But I also know I can't go on this way much longer

But I know I no longer want to pay for his crimes
Their crimes, the abuse of my family is probably vast
My Grandpa was from a different time and place where abuse was common
And he was abused by his father
And abused many of my relatives too

I am sure the abuse trickles back up the tree
To many different unfortunate people
It is sad
And I guess someone needs to pay

Why I wonder is it me
I am sure I do not pay alone
As I have seen the suffering of my family
But I know I pay too

It is a sad affair too
And I believe evil never goes unpunished
But sometimes it the innocents who pay
Time and again pay

And I am hoping
That once the bill is paid
We can all be rid of it
And start to look away

Always at the starting place

No matter how much progress I make
I always end right back at the beginning.
I was so far in the negative
That no matter what I do
I am still only at zero

Have I suffered enough yet
For whom do I suffer?
Do I suffer for me
Because I was wrong in not protecting Jenny
Or do I suffer for him, because I am bad

Starting over
Always starting over
Am I at least getting somewhere?
I hope, but am not sure
I think, but it's not clear

Time moves whether you are ready or not
Life grooves and it's best to overcome the past
But if so, what do we really have?
As who am I here in this place?
Does the beauty meet me here?

Life without a care
Is one that I'd admire
But not one that I've experienced
Don't I deserve peace too?
Although I am getting really good in my follow through

I am told there is an end
But don't see it so clear
As just when I think
I am getting somewhere
A new road always appears

It is a lonely road
Often enough
And I have been through too much
But still have so much to go through

So I press on
And keep my sight strong
As I look for the bend or the curve
That takes me out of here

Walking and running and climbing
I keep it up
But when do I get to my destination
As I would like to see some new scenery
And run carefree through the greenery

I have spent many years here in this place
And have tried to overcome my fears
But I just have more to go
Always more to go

Somebody told me a long time ago
That the road was long and hard
That I will encounter many hardships
But that I was strong

They told me that the journey
Is where you want to be
As the destination could never match the glory
And it will all be worth it in the end

And I try to keep all that in mind
But as I approach the next level up
I am forced to remember how difficult it's been
But try and remember "it's worth it in the end."

I just want you

Our souls our alive with the wonder
We find in each other
Mine dances to the tune of your heart
Never to be apart

You grab my hand and hold it close
I kiss your wrist
You are my most
Prized delight

I am lost without you
Can't you see
I tried to move on
But life doesn't go where you don't

I fall deep inside of my pit
And you whisper to me
I summon the strength to get out this time
And swear that I am going to quit

Patiently you wait for me
I am worth the wait
But you already know
I smile as I know it can't be too late

I am alive because of you
I long for you through the deepest parts of me
Your tenderness and passionate flair
Sends me to a place I used to not care

I go there with you
And show you myself
But you already know me
And neither one of us is afraid

With you all is beautiful
The sun is warm
The birds are singing
And the world is wonderful again

I don't want the gray and drab
Life used to be
I only want you
Can't you see

I know where I belong
With you
Right here
In our place

I want you
See you
Feel you next to me
I know you feel me too

It is scary sometimes
To know someone is out there
Who has all that power
Over my heart

But I don't care anymore
Damn the fear
Damn them all
I just want you and that is not going to change

The End

Everything comes to an end
This is an end that was worth the wait
I am finally feeling free deep inside
And on the outside it seems that it is not too late

When trouble falls upon your door
You long for something more
And you fight it for so long
You forget what you fight for

But given time and peace
You find what you are made of
And when you start down a new path
You don't look back

Time is coming and going
I am riding the waves
I feel like a seagull
High in the air and squawking loud

To and fro
I let my wings soar
As I deserve so much from this life
I know I am full of richness

What is coming at me
Coming to me
I will let it all be
As I want it so much

The newness of a fresh start
Flying, soaring with an open heart
Open to whom I will find near
As the sweetness is what I long to hear

I used to be afraid of what I could find
Thinking and dreaming
But never leaving that life behind

But never the screaming
That got too much for me
I know now it is right
And I have already taken flight

What a beautiful world I am finding
Deep in the heart of all my binding
But still I see that what waits for me
Is everything I ever wanted but never saw before

Letting it all go
Was right for me
And now I get it passionately

I am excited for the world out there
As it echoes with possibilities
And I do care

What a difference time makes
When you work at what you want
As I have been working hard to let go of that old life
And now I am ready for what is mine

Sadness and pain don't linger now
I have strengthened myself from them somehow
I don't get crushed or bruised easily anymore
And I know I am the one with all the keys to the doors

Being ready when the opportunity knocks
Is what I have been told time and again
And I never thought I would get there with a path full of large rocks
But somehow I knew I would win

It is my life, just for me
And I intend to use it for my pleasure
As I used to be afraid of feeling that good
But not now and not ever

Laughing, loving, cherishing the sweet moments
Filled with a life that I love
As now I have all the guidance
That I need from above

It is so easy as it will come to me
I will just have to sit and wait for it
And never the time will take
As now I know what I see

I have even taken steps to become more me
Becoming the person I want to see
As I am losing the weight that used to use to keep people away
And this time I ain't going back to that same old portray

It has been a long time coming for me
And I embrace every bit
But I don't look back at what I used to be
Or how it used to all fit

Moving on and forward
To a new destination
Keeping it all within my new found nation

Like a brightly colored songbird
That you didn't know was singing
But when you saw her for the first time
You knew that it was her for you to find

I am grateful that I have come this far
And not regretful of any before
But time carries me on and I see
Once again, I see myself as I am to be just me

Transcending into me

Alone in this place
But not alone after all
As I have found more than I thought I could
And learned to let go of it all

I have seen who I am
And what I am going to be
I have seen myself plant deep roots of light
Deep down inside the Earth so that I may do what is right

Love, light, forgiveness
I see now that there is nothing else worth my time or attention
Because every action done in anger or fear
Needs to be corrected

I am starting to understand my task in a whole new way
I don't want the sadness or fear anymore
I am not afraid now in this place
I do not want to be alone and secluded

I don't ask for what is best for me
As I usually don't know
I don't want to hang onto the evilness that drapes me
I want to be free from it all

I am learning to be free
It is hard and needs constant attention
As the negative thoughts don't want to disappear
They try and remain but I no longer want the fear

As we generally think that somehow the negativity will bring us joy
It never does, but we keep trying to use the dark side to our benefit
We never can get how the negative ways leave such a sick film on us
One we can't see overtime and forget that is there

Which makes it easier to do those things we couldn't do before
And harder to say "I am sorry," or "I love you,"
Our pride gets covered and layers become more
And eventually we don't try and open the door

Even when we love someone
We pretend that they aren't there
As it is easier to leave them and ignore the truth
Than it is to admit we were wrong and still care

As negative thoughts and emotions will only always disappoint
Always have and always will
Never been different
It has only worked to our detriment

It's the positive thoughts and emotions that are scary
Because what if you get what you want and are truly happy
The body often rejects this ideal as they are afraid of it not lasting
The dreams become scarier because of the fear of them not happening

To free yourself
It is important to let go
Of all the anger and fear you hold onto
As it does you no good anymore

But I think it is what we all want
To be loved and to love
To smile and be smiled at
To feel joy and light up someone else too

We are just to used to the misery
So we let it remain
And we never see that we have the power
To change the pain

It is weird for me
As I think no one else understands it
I get that I am alone here in my awakening
I get that I walk this path alone

It would be nice to have a friend or a kindred
And my soul mate would be even better
I don't mind being alone
It just gets lonely

I understand that it is hard for them and their busy day
They don't have the energy to change
They get so caught up in what happened
And they don't stop and let it go

Because people want to do what is easy
Not what is right for them
They want to be angry and get revenge
They want to be sad and consoled

They even want their misery
As it distracts them from their crushed hopes and dreams
So they don't have to remember what it is they were after
They can accept their fate and still bitch for the laughter

They don't want to forgive and learn how to love beyond the pain
They think forgiveness is some way to say sorry
They think forgiveness will cause more hurt
They don't know in forgiveness it takes the pain away from them
And creates a brand new start

I am transcending away from who I used to be
One of them
Blind and forgetful
Sad and lonely
Afraid and hurting

I am taking a journey that gets more and more removed from the mainstream life
I see the world so differently
I doubt anyone understands that
I see it all so deeply

I try and unplug a person here
Or a person there
But soon learn that they don't care
And I realize it is not up to me to change their fair

So I continue on my way
Seeking someone, anyone who cares
Are they there?
I don't see them through the gateway

In the end I see that it is not for me
To be surrounded by the few who do see what I see
As for what is important to me
Is that I get it, not that they get me

Deeper

Deeper and deeper inside
Seems the way to go
Deeper into the vault down below
At the bottom of my soul

Sliding freely down upon the dust of what was
Feeling empty with a trace of hope
Only visible when the sun shines just right
Feeling alone and confused

Trying hard to be what it is that I was meant to be
Wondering if that path will ever be seen

Numb with disdain
For my life as it is
Wanting what isn't
It all gnawing at my brain

Making it go away as
It keeps coming back
Begging to be left alone in my shame
As it seems to be a place I often return

Trying hard to fight against it all
Winning, but loosing
Trying hard to understand it all
Winning, but loosing

What is the point again?
How will it go
As if I get my hopes up again
Will they be crushed or I be disappointed?

Even though the odds are set against me
How could they not be?
I am alive
I still push on for what I know is right

Seeing the beauty of my dreams so dear
Holding them right next to my face
Keeping them close without disgrace
Living, breathing it in and out

All seems so far away
As for now I just slide down
Searching for answers or questions to be asked
Keeping it all within my grasp

Walking around my soul without fear
Seeing who I am deep inside here
Wanting, seeing, almost believing
Keeping it alive with my imagination

As it seems so real
It feels so right
But for some reason can't take flight
I have to stay and fight this battle

I think I know the outcome
How it will all go
It comes like a whisper in the night
And I hope to God I am right

Not afraid anymore to see deep down below
I used to never go where I didn't know
But now I see that nothing is there
At least not for me to fear

I get that it all has a mighty purpose
I hope that I realize it soon
But am putting in the hard work
And keeping it up as I always dance to my own tune

I can see clearly how I have cleared out so much of this space
It used to be filled with much disgrace
I cleaned it up, right for me
As I deserve to be free

So I walk far down the path that I seek
Deeper and deeper inside of me
I am hoping it will all just be
An extra long path to being me

Maybe I'll find you too
Deep inside of you
Maybe we'll see it together
You and me and life we can weather

But still deeper I go
As for where now, I have to see
As things are changing
And I am not done rearranging

Life is a funny of sorts
And I will outlast this torment I feel
As it has been so good for me
To complete what I didn't start

As even though my past was forced upon me
I see how I have the power to set myself free
I can change how the future will go
Something I always wanted to know

Funny, not so much
But it seems ironic in a way
Like a fairy tale land full of pixie dust
Where the children laugh and play

It has taken me to travel the loneliest road
Without you near
To get to the center of my soul
And learn to hold myself dear

I am not done yet
With this life
My future is starting to look bright
And the past is going down like a beautiful sunset

But deeper I go still inside
Looking for what I have left to divide
Not taking any more prisoners, ever again
As all the parts inside me are chanting, "We are all free men"

With much work left to do
I excuse myself from the party
I go to where it hurts the most
And open my psyche

All the answers pour out like a stream
I hold my breath and try not to scream
I take it one by one and deal boldly
And eventually it will all leave me being me

Not thine enemy

I am not your enemy
Never wanted to be
I just want to love you
Always have and always will

I am not your enemy
It's just not in me
I see you as you are
Complete, perfect, loving

I am not the one who wishes you pain
I want to be the one who supports you through it
I am not the one who hopes you fail
I want a front row seat when you succeed

I never meant to be anything but love for you
I always wanted more than I gave
I never wanted to be a pain
I just was hurting too

If what I say bothers you
Please stop reading my heart
As I can't hold it in so it doesn't touch you
I feel sad when we are apart

Please don't come here looking for a fight
Please don't tell me that how I feel pressures you
I have to let it out, as it does me no good inside
And I choose to write, as it is who I am

And you don't have to read this
I don't write it for your eyes alone
I write it so my heart can be free from what it says
But I don't want to hurt you, so don't look on

I am not asking for what you think I want
I am not trying to get your attention
I am just letting out what is there
So don't come here to think I want to cause you pain

Because I am not your enemy
Never have been
I am not the one who wishes you harm
I want only good things for you

Do not think I press myself upon you
Do not think I am trying to get what I want
I am only feeling how I feel
And not afraid to show it

I feel sad that things are hard
Your hurting, so am I
I feel sad that life has done this to us
What the hell did we ever do to deserve it?

I don't want what you think I do
I don't want only things for me
I am not thine enemy
As it isn't in me to be

Through all of this mess
This awful painful mess
I have learned valuable things
I have seen what it is important to me

And what mostly I have seen is
How I only want to love you
I know the fear of failure is there for me
I fear not being able to be free

But I know what I know
I just want to love you
But I am not asking
So please don't read this

As I do not want to be your enemy
If you need to be mad at me
I will accept it for what you need
I will be a place for you to let it breath

But I do not ask for anything
I do not want even right now
I don't ask or desire or demand
I just don't want to be your foe

I am not saying give me a try
It will all be great
I feel I need to be alone now
But I can't forget you or have my heart give you up

As I am not wanting to be your enemy
Or even what you don't want
I respect the corridor that I walk up and down
I see its purpose out there, and don't begrudge it now

I hope you don't read this
But hope all is well
I am ok, doing good
Could be better

I never wanted to be anything but love for you
And I am sorry I couldn't get around the issues
I am at a simple place right now
And I let it all go

You are strong enough, did you know
You will move mountains when you are ready
Your light is so bright, shines to the top
You are amazing, I hope at least you get to know that

I hope at least you will see what I have always seen
Seen and believed
The most special woman in the world
Used to stand right in front of me

Getting too far in that place you call gushing
I am getting too deep inside what hurts
So I will go now and stop while I am behind
But I do love you, even if you don't know it

Let it burn

Let the past burn from my sight
As a phoenix in flight
Upon this night
So I may get what's right

As there is nothing left to bind me here
And I pray my love will find me there
As my heart wants to sing again
As all I am left with is this pain

Let me turn to what I see
Something that is good for me
I ask that the bad news leave
As I tried so hard, but still was forced to flee

Life is short
This bumpy ride of sorts
While I am down low
I hope that it will make me grow

As I keep learning and living
But still must continue giving
As keeping myself tucked away, would seem best
But I know not for the rest

Keep me on the path I see
Follow closely behind me
Protect me from those who trouble near
As I am alone, inside here

Help me move out of this place
Never to return
As I can't sit any longer in this waste
And feel forlorn but keep me stern

True love is waiting there
Wherever I may go
As I must keep my flair
So I don't tango with the sorrow

True love can't be ignored
If it is right I ask that it be restored
I deserve much more now
But must keep my know-how

It's not supposed to be easy
They all tell us so, and I agree
But did they know it would be this hard
Because now I feel so scarred

I don't know what is right
But do see my plight
I don't know what I am to be
But feel blurry like a banshee

Light my path, full of beautiful white beams
Keep me strong and full of my dreams
Keep love on my lips and deep inside my heart
And with this sorrow may I be inspired to do the most amazing art

I'll take the ride with a grain of salt
I don't place blame or fault
I ask that you bind my faith
So I don't end up looking at my wraith

When I meet the one I seek
I will know her by the sounds she brings and her color hair streaks
We will be perfect with our share of sin
But I will never loose my grin

Light full of bright love
Come down on me like a dove
Settle in my center deep
So much that joyously my soul leaps

Keep me and my love strong
Together and right where we belong
Block out all the pain of the world outside
For me and my bride on our pleasure joyride

Ride it

Ride it hard
The ride of life
I am sure I will get my reward
But first I have to overcome this strife

Things always seemed like gloom and doom
But not anymore as no longer I will assume
As things are looking up
I just got so confused in the mix up

This is the beginning for something new
But not the something borrowed or something blue
It is the kind of story I always longed to tell
When I found my way out of this hell

As I have made the first steps to freedom
Which has taken all of my wisdom
To get me here
As at times it seemed so severe

At times I didn't think I would make it through
I had too many issues
At times I didn't think I would outlast
But I fought hard to free myself from the chains of my past

A strong, passionate, powerful fighter am I
To find that out I just had to let myself cry
The road is clearer to me now in this space
Which came about because of all of my love and grace

I don't regret one thing I did
It is a learning process, going through this life
I just wish I could've done it without the backslid
But am on way to take pictures of the beautiful wildlife

After so long of hating and hurting
Life is even starting to feel right
When it is used to be alarming
And before I didn't think I could fight

But now that I am through the hardest part
I see I am ready for the next phase
And believe I will again outsmart
As I intend to set my past ablaze

So to all that waits at my door to bring me down
I say bring it on!
As I am not afraid that I will have a breakdown
I am ready and able and want it all gone

As it will no longer keep me down
Ever again with my face pressed to the ground
I will rise above all of it
I am unbeatable I do admit

True power is knowing your power
I used to see myself like a wilting flower
But now I see the strength inside
And know it was me who supplied

Powerful, strong, enduring to the end
Full of light and love, for me and my girlfriend
Life is going to be the best, I do intend
As things for me are already on the mend

Exciting news will come to pass
The closer I come into my own
Things will be awesome for me and my lass
And be so new and wonderful in a way we have never known

I know it is not to good to be true
As life can be all that you want and desire
I will get it and hold it dear as it will be all that I knew
And be so satisfied by it all and others will admire

Just for me

As this whole thing is not about you and me
It is not about "us"
It is way bigger than either of us
And I think at times you have felt it too

We are here for a reason firefly
And this is not the end
But because of you I see my path
The one that has been hidden

Trouble is I have been resisting doing this
And now I throw my hands up to God's will
As because of you I give in to them
And choose what I have already chosen

You and I are so important to this life
We will bring about a new way
And we will do it together in harmony
With many of our kind

I don't care how it sounds
Or what is said
Now or then
I only know this to be true

As we both of us
Came here to do this
And I have tried to fight it too
Like you are now

But since God is the forgiving kind
We have so much time to figure it out
But the path that we are on
Is not one we can get off or out

I am not afraid anymore
As I was only seeing myself before
But now I know it is not about me
And my love for you

It is about so much more
And I am still here
As when you are ready
I will be ready

And we will do what we came here to do
And we will be glad too
As our purpose can't be forgotten
It screams inside us still

Stop to listen
If you don't believe me
And maybe you'll see what I see
But I believe you know it too

Which I think scares you like it did me
That is why you seem so crazy
But I know what I see
We are strong enough

And yes the road is long
So this is me taking my attention off of us
And I will go now and put myself to good use
If you ever want peace inside yourself

You will do it too
And I am here for you
Just let it be
As if I was like the flock I would have you already

We would be simple and plain
And just quite the same same
But since we are different, you and I
We are winged fire and butterflies

We don't get what the rest see
And I know this whole thing is difficult for thee
The anger you feel
And all the disdain

Is not really directed at me
It is at your soul, so to speak
As you are mad, might I imply
That you have to learn how to fly

But it is not my fault
That you chose this life Higher spiritual nature
Comes at a price
But it is one that you can't ignore

As you have the gift, might I implore
Your light is bright
And it can't be extinguished now
But if you live too long in the shadows

It will flicker, but won't go out
It will however hurt you inside
Until you let it out
Let it out for all the world to see

And that includes loving even me
As light is not negativity
And your soul is crying out for help now
And it is not me who will come to your aid

But you can bid the light anytime you need it
And when life has beaten you down
And I am no where to be found
As you lie on the ground

Look up, help is near
And you will make it, lovely dear
I won't bother to let you know
But if you read this you might just see

That it is not just simply as a childish "let me be"
It will gnaw at your insides
What you are needing and it will climb up your soul
And will keep you knowing

And I am in the same boat
Not a choice I would have chosen
If I would have known how hard it would be
But I guess we were told It would be worth the hardship

So if you are smart you will start now
And I don't mean me
It has nothing to do with me
But I could your partner in this

But your choice is simply
To train and learn the way
And I have some answers
If you get led astray

March 19, 2009
After Jen dropped the book off and sent me the nasty email.

Behind the eyes

Happening deep behind the eyes
Is a life full of light
Expectations swallow what is right
And the night ensues

Time doesn't stop for the fool hearted
And the dumbness of reality
Doesn't dry off what is true
Not even if you want it to

We don't come to a conclusion
Without following all the rules
And the rules only lead us to ruin
If we follow to closely

Life is so unfulfilling
When you sit and stare
Life can't be what you want
Even though you care

But a whisper of what is
Or what is to be
Can sometimes be the truth
No matter what you do

As I can't just stop loving you
And you can't stop too
That is why you anger so
But it is not my fault

And while you sit with your fire demon out
I close up my soul
But only for a moment
As I don't need it to be you

And I am seeing reality
In a way you cannot
But time will tell you what needs to be said
As I am not saying it anymore

You have heard only the voices of your head
And they lead you off the path
But that is your problem
Not mine

I know what lies before my feet
As once again because of you
I can see
And I still believe

Excuses full of mistrust
Life crippling emotion
Scared and dying inside
You just push

I am steady in my doubt
And I am not easily broken
Not anymore
So give me your best shot
As that one didn't close the door

When all the dust has settled
And you can finally see
I won't be running to greet you
But you might be coming to me

I am not crazy or a psycho
I just don't move to the ordinary sounds on the street
I do however see what is true
And I believe you see it too

If I am so crazy
Why am I still getting through
And if anyone is psycho
It just might as well be you

But neither of us is
And I am for sure still wanting to give
As my lead feet can't run away
And my heart never leads astray

But simply life built for two
I am living that now only not for you
I am living for me
And seeing what will be

Run, run away
Don't look back now
But you aren't going far
Did you that too?

Hurt and pain
Is without a doubt
The cornerstone of my life

I can handle it time and again
But can you handle life?
As you can have your way
Or whatever you choose

I don't need anyone
Not even you
And I won't be gone too far this time
But I am off on an adventure like this rhyme

I hurt because of you
You always say what you don't mean
But I don't have to fall this time
And how in the hell is this unlike last time

Being so closed up
Did you even notice the truth
As I am only saying what you cannot
And I won't regret that

No matter what this life will say
You act like a drama forte
And I won't fall to that level of hurt
As it will only bit you in the ass in the end
No matter if you ever see me again

Your negative emotions
And negative lies
Come down deep inside
But not me, inside you

And I feel sadly for you
And what you are going to go through
But for me I will spread my light
So bright it will blind the blind

And I will be lifted up from above
And you will feel the heat of my love
And will only choose what is right
And will get that too

I just have to learn this lesson of life
As I know why I am here
I lost my way most recently
And if I were like the rest I know I would have the best

But instead I am struggling to stand on steady ground
And I think I am done falling down
And I know I am where I need to be
But what my dear, do you truly see?

Second chances are easily given
Especially when true love is there
So don't feel that you have hurt me
Or that you have done wrong
As I falter none, but carry on

Ice Queen

Cold and frozen
Inside her castle alone
No one to enter
Only few try and knock

Not much to say
Not much to give
Don't ask for too much
You won't get what you seek

They all think
She'll trust them
They all think
She's really there

Maybe she's somewhere
But what you see is an illusion
As she is hiding for sure
Waiting for someone to care

Trouble is no one does
No one tries to see
What is frozen in place
Beyond the borders of the castle

So do not enter
And maybe it's best to stay away
As you should look elsewhere
To suck the life out of somebody

As this girls already been tapped dry
She been used up and thrown away
She's hurting and sad
But is no longer sitting in wait

She has locked the door
And thrown away the key
So please just fucking leave
Why don't you fucking leave
Why are you still fucking here

Don't bother leaving a note
Or a promise of care
She'll call you not
But be glad you're not there

But be careful as you turn to leave
As what you might not see
Is the dragon billowing fire
Hiding in the shadows

You might get so scared
That you might encounter it face to face
And when he's singed off your hair
You will hurry up out of there

But still danger lies in wait
So be careful as you cross the bridge
As if you have done her wrong
You will regret it in the end

As you might get what you didn't expect
As what you see is a innocent child
But she is no innocent
And she does not want you there

Her fiery wall fools them all
As as they scurry about
Running away and screaming too
She sits and laughs all alone

As the dragon is harmless
But a good thing they don't know
As then they wouldn't leave
Until they had the rest of her treasure

And so much has been stolen already
And she will not let that go easily
She'll burn you first
As there will be no "let's see"

As all of them
Each and everyone only cares for themselves
And it's sad as it is true
But it is better for her to be alone

As her dragon and her castle
Make her feel safe
And she won't let go
Not even for you

As she knows
You will hurt her too
You probably have before
So leave since you got what you came for

Don't pretend you care
Just to gain entrance
As this girls already been used up
And all is frozen too

She blast you with her cold stare
She freeze you out
Don't embrace what you think you see
As she can't let you be

You won't get affection
Or anything in the like
As she has been stripped dry
And doesn't believe your lies

Inside deep behind protective stones
Sits a beautiful girl all alone
And not that she minds so much
As it is better than being fucked

Funny thing is people promise to care
But when they see her for what she is
They get the hell out of there
Trouble is they don't see

But she doesn't mind
Since they can't hurt her
As they run away
She let's them be afraid of her
And doesn't beg them to stay

Now that the tears are flowing
Most regularly
The ice is melting
And where does that leave me

Everyone's the same
They all say she's the only to blame
But it doesn't matter what they do
Not after what she's been through

They could do anything
And it would not compare
To the hell that's already been there
She's way too frozen to care

If you don't like it
I don't care
And I don't believe you care anyhow
So don't bother trying to explain


This girl is me

Trusted

Trusted, trusting, trustworthy, trust

What does it mean to me?

It can be the most Scary thing
If you have the courage you might Risk it
I find it Aggravating when I trust people and they hurt me anyhow
And It helps if you are vulnerable

I trust some people
Even some of those who hurt me
But the more you break my trust
The less chances you get

It can be earned back however
But I feel most people don't bother
Which is shame too
As it would be a simple thing to do

All they would need is a little care
And a little love to share
But I find I do most of the trusting
But still think people are not easily trusted

I don't trust myself too too much
I try and make up for things done wrong
But it seems endless somehow
And I don't quite understand why

If life were easy
And loved flowed free
I think I might just trust
About anybody

But life is hard
And I have been through a lot
And time has left it's scars
And they don't always show
But I am still not healed

I do have some kind of desire
To reach out and reclaim my fire
But I know I have been burned before
And I guess I would like to know for sure

People change with wind
They roll with the tide
Especially the ones who are spiritually thin
As they don't walk the same stride

I won't be as open
As I might have been
But I still hoping
To find trust a friend

If you fuck up too many times
Then I might trust that you will hurt me
And then it would be your fault
As it is your choice to do so

If you say you are going to do something
And don't do it
And repeat that behavior time and again
Then I will trust you to be lazy

If you tell me you love me
And don't act like
Yell at me and scream a lot for instance
I will assume I can't trust what you say to me

If you promise to never leave me
Then do time and again
I will start to lose trust in you
And will start to trust that you will leave for good

To me trust is simple
You say you will do something
And you do it
And same goes for me

I also get that many times
This can't always be
So in that case
It is best to communicate

But most often it seems
That people just run
Or shut up and shut down
And where does that leave me?

As it seems like there is not much trust in the world
I don't just think its me
But people are guarded and they assume things
Things that you can't control

And sometimes you have to play catch up
For what you didn't know
And it seems hard to get back to trust
Once you have lost it

But I think it could be easier
If both parties let go of the past
And let the love and feelings unfold
And you could see the truth hidden below

Feb 28 started this

What do I see in my eyes?

Sorrow deeply rooted inside the darkest evils
Deep down sadness dwells
Evils comes knocking on my door
I shut it tight and try and hide

Who would you be without all the pain
She asks me
I know the answer without looking
I would be able to forgive myself

And just then I realize I need to
I had never seen that before
That without forgiveness for me
I can't move on

But it is not me whom I hate
I love myself fine
It is them whom I disgust in
I hate them all

I see them when I look in the mirror
I see him
I see them all
And the dirty traces of evil they left behind

I run from the pain inside
I want to understand me
I want to be free and happy
I want to be loved

But with this burden I am forced to carry
My life is set in stone
I need a Sword to break it up
And remove my soul

I think I might be a wonderful person
I think things could become right
But this pain draws me down
Deep inside the darkness and it hurts

I look deep within my soul
And before I know the truth appears
That she loves me still
And time is biding for me to heal

My eyes don't lie
My heart lingers there
But somewhere I am protected
Without all this fear

Living a life full of pain
Can't be understood until you walk this sort of plank
And I don't know another way
But long for the beautiful day

Seeing what I know in full Technicolor
Makes me cringe with disgust
At his legacy
Leaving it all to me

If I could stop I would
As this pain
And this life
Is just too much for me

But what a tragedy
That would be
As I have to believe there is so much more
Not just for me

So many I know
Almost every kind
Was hurt in an awful way
And now we are all blind

Look
Deeply into the windows of my soul
What do you see?
Love, light, life, laughter

A brand new day
Comes on the gold horizon
And with it comes
A valiant queen and her steed

Deserving what is right
I shut out the night
Forgiveness transcends into light
And we all fight the good fight

And win!
Each and everyone of us
As no one gets left behind
Not this time!

I suppose belief in oneself
Is a bit of a requirement
But I have much belief in you
And offer it too

And we can get each other through
To a place filled with butterflies and fireflies
That dance together in the light
The love filled light

It is a sight to see
One you wouldn't want to miss
It keeps me moving forward
As it will be my bliss

Full of might and light
I am strong enough
To get me there
Where I will meet you, all