Misunderstood

I do not plan on writing anymore blogs about you, at least not one's that I will share with you, as this is a time for self focus. Well you'll see, read on. You can read whatever you want, but know I do not write anything just for you.
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So I am misunderstood in my life
Everyone misunderstands me
From the smiles to strangers
To emails or books being sent

I am misunderstood by those closest to me
As no one seems to be able to connect to my life
And people seem to misread all things
This I don't think is me

But I do also misunderstand me
Most often I can't see why I do what I do
Until much later
And misunderstandings occur within me too

Often I can't stick up for myself as I don't know what is going on
But recently I have seen something new
And I understand more
But what it changes I don't know for sure

I do know I got loads of truth
Truth on top of truth
But you don't want that
Not from me

You only want to find some proof
That's why you are here right?
You want proof that you are right
Right in leaving me, right to get over me

But if you really believed that
I feel you would not need to push me away so bad
As this is harder than you thought it was going to be
And you are hurting so badly

But this is not really about you
This is about me
As you can do whatever you want
I still know the truth

The one that everyone now misunderstands about me
But that is even ok too
As none of it matters to me now
I matter, not what others think

I guess if you believed it
You wouldn't need their agreement
But still this is not about you
It's about me

And how I helped you hurt you
That I can't do anymore
Not to be predictable in my rhyming
But this I do know for sure

You have sent me angry and evil shit for years
Text messages full of hate
Phone conversations full of evil
Yelling, screaming in emails

Then you would tell me directly things like
"Don't pay attention to me when I am saying that shit. As I don't mean it
I was just angry."
And you would say it, and kinda take it back
But really you would just let me know not to pay attention to it, like you had no self control.

Like I am a robot or something
And I can choose which words to listen to
That would only be possible if I didn't love you
But love is having an impact on another
And you have always had a good and bad impact on me

And I don't think we ever understood the cost for doing as we did
The one for you
The one for us
And the one for me

My favorite text that I received from you,
One I found most recently was the truth
"You are my world. There is no without you. It is only something I say when I am being petulant and"
I don't know what else as it cuts off

But in reading these old words
I remember who you are
And I see how hurting you are now
And I get sad

As I was a party to it
As I was to selfish to let you go
I wanted you so bad that I put it up with it
And I was wrong, I should have left long ago

I know I had my share in being crazy
I know that I pushed you away too much
Something I would never ever do again
As I have seen the truth about what I really want

I also think you are mad at me
Because I could never be so honest with you before
Until you left me
I was so quiet

But what you don't get
Is I am honest because of you
Not in spite of you
And I always long to share everything with you too

But concerning you and this issue
I just hoped you would stop and be nice
I just hoped you would change
But you didn't and you don't
But I do and I am

And I will no longer ever
Be a recipient of a nasty email or anything of the like
But not because I can't handle it
But because you shouldn't have to
And evermore I forgive every word

That evil you are spewing
Is leaving a blackness on your heart before it gets to me
And that is killing you
You aren't even there anymore

It makes me so sad to think about it
I cried so hard when I finally saw my part in full view
Truth be told
I saw some of this back in July

I saw how you were being buried alive
And me pushing you away
Was only adding more dirt to your grave
But I was too hurting to stop then

But I am stronger now
And I have put my part to and end
I would rather never see you again
Ever, then to help you destroy yourself more

That is how much you mean to me
I would give up everything including you to save you if I could
I figure if I am not there to be yelled at
Maybe you won't

I don't believe it is me
Don't misunderstand me
I know it is you and only you
Why you can't deal so bad that you yell and shout

But when I saw the blood dripping from my hands
And I realized I was the recipient of these hateful things
And I know that you will suffer for your actions
Not by me, but by the choices you will make

Again, don't misunderstand me
As you can tell anyone who will listen
That I want you to suffer or that I will make you
It no longer matters what you do
And maybe I expect more evil too

But I know the point is to do right by all involved
And for me that means I can't play a part
In you getting hurt by yourself
If you must still tear down your beauty, do it without me

I have long since stopped tearing down mine
I am working on only cherishing myself
And am in love with me, finally
And honestly, I still see through your words into you too

I have been seeing an energy healer
And it is making a difference in my life
I am leaning upon someone who helps me
And I am learning how to be right

She is removing and healing all the things I could not before
And new doors are opening for me
And others are being shut
And this is scary, but exactly what I want

And after my session tonight
I was giving some thought to my current issue
And what I saw was
I need to be healthy and better

As if I am no longer unstable and hurting
Than I doubt you will be able to pull that shit on me
Plus, you won't have me for a distraction anymore
And therefore you might deal with yourself

I know it can't be easy for you to focus only on you
Especially with my emails
And most especially my blog
And if I didn't need it so badly to get out what I can't
I would cancel my account and walk away

As I know it has to be confusing
And at times I seem crazy or scary
But if I don't write my pain, being the writer I am
And share it with many

Then I know it just sits there
And I can't have that anymore
I need to be free from it
So I learned to let myself go and just be

And I never promised to be quiet
That is what you said
Instead I only promised to love you
And said I would try and shut up

Trouble is I can't
Especially when my whole life they shut me up
Granpa shut me up
And for me to get better I have to put it out there

I have found away to spew my pain
And not hurt anyone
And it has helped me be free
But I don't need to be understood

All I need is me
And that I am getting more of everyday
And when I am through this bout
I will have myself

The person that was left
After they stole my soul
Is fading away
And I am being left with my awesome self

I have spent the last 10 months
Dealing on me
It has been only seven since you left me
And since then I have made the most progress

Because I have had the chance
To throw up all that I needed to
To release myself from my chains
And that is what I needed, time

I hope eventually you will see your strength and beauty
Don't need to be teared down
And maybe you might see that you are strong enough to deal with it all
You might just see the truth ain't so bad

And maybe, I believe it will all happen exactly as we need
You don't have to see what I see
But I do hope you begin to see you
As what I am learning is, nothing is really about you

It is all about me
My fears, my pain, my anger, my hopelessness, my abuse
And if I can't be right without you
I am sure I could never be right with you

I have made so much progress
You would never believe it
But I know I have so much still to go
And that saddens me still

As I have been through a lot
And in a lot of ways, it's still there
But that is fine
There is a time to be alone
And this is mine

And I am not upset with you anymore
I hope you can find the magical cure
To get over me
As I know you are trying

But this shit
Ends here
As it doesn't need to be
Anymore it doesn't need to go on

As it hurts you
And me too
But I am fine
And I feel sad for you

The negative emotions and lies
Stir up all the evil inside
And it will haunt you
And hurt you

So sad too
But anyhow I get it
I hear you
You are madly in love with me, but don't believe

So don't be with me
That is ok
Just don't be evil
As it hurts you so much

I could have written you back, you know
As I was sick, at last of getting these evil messages
I have never sent you evil like this
I have pushed you away and was irresponsible in my communication, but

So in an attempt to stand up for myself
I wrote out what I wanted to say
And after I read it
I realized that it was mean
And not what I wanted to leave behind me

I knew I didn't want to deal with the consequences for hurting you
So I deleted it and let me ego take a back seat
As I don't want to have the last word
Unless it is I love you

And I realized if you died
What a regret I would have that I lied
Because all I want to say is I love you
And anything else comes out of pain

So I let it go
Let it go now
And I am not going to engage in meanness with you
It is not worth the cost

When we are gone
Dead and gone
And we have to judge our actions and our lives
This negativity will be a regret, both of ours

As it really does matter
And it is such the point
That you treat everyone with love and respect
No matter what

And if you don't choose that
You choose the consequences
As Karma will be on your tail
Your life will be hell

But as for you
Well its not about you
My life is about me
And I am making progress everyday

So it won't be long
Until I am truly healthy
I am already so healthy, in so many ways
And have made such leaps this past week

So I won't be around to tango
With the drama dance
And I hope that you eventually don't need it too
As you deserve better too